number 4 when over 40. Would you do it?

[carmenelectra]

Hello

I need some advice or maybe just a good talking to.

I have 3 dc's. last one is only a newborn. I that number 3 would be my last, but now im not so sure. Would i be mental having another as im 39 mow so would be over 40 if got pregnant again. In fact i would be well over 40 as i would have to leave it at least a couple of yrs till the baby was older.

Also our house would be cramped and we coukldnt afford to move. Does that matter though.

I dont want to regret it, but i do wonder whether im being mental and should just stick with what ive got.

[carmenelectra]

Anyone?Maybe ive posted in the wrong place

[Loujalou]

I don't think you are mad. There is an over 40's thread on here that might be able to help and give you more advice. There is also one for baby no 4.

You need to speak to Lia as she is in her 40's and up the duff with no 6!!!

[Hoorayhenrietta]

I had my 3rd baby at just 40 and I can honestly say that I am done at three. Its very personal but I feel that 3 is a good number - it feels like a large family...with all the excitement and chaos (relative!!) but the children can still have individual attention. I have Toddlers so to me to still be able to afford time and attention was/is crucial...Our third is only 13 weeks old, so I can see what you mean, but unlike the last two occasions when I couldn't bear to think, 'this is it'...I feel contented now.
As you don't feel this is it, I don't think it should concern you too much about being over 40 and pregnant, or the prospect of 4 children in your current home.
But its early days and you might still change your mind - your perogative!

[carmenelectra]

Thanks, dont think id go as far as number 6 though!!

I really really hoped i would think 'this is it' after number 3 and i cant understand why i dont!! Maybe i will always feel like this so therefore should stop.

I think i were younger there would be no question about it or if i were richer. Perhaps not good enough reasons to stop.

[rainbowdays]

carmenelectra - I had number 3 at 40 and have been trying for #4 since then.... so no I don't think your're being mental at all!!!!! Hope it goes well for you.

[hannahsaunt]

I am 35 and have found this pg with dc4 overwhelmingly exhausting and couldn't contemplate ever going through it again. To be fair, there were confounding factors: hyperemesis requiring hospitalisation, dh being away for 3 months on secondment, Christmas (!), SPD aggravated with the ice over the last couple of weeks but even so ... just life with 3 other children is full on. (Wouldn't be without dc4 - don't get me wrong - it's just been a long hard slog this time).

[carmenelectra]

Thanks, ive just got to talk dp round now. lol

To be honest i also didnt feel great this time round compared to the other two pregnancies. Plus having a toddler didnt help. I actually swore i wouldnt do it again. I started to feel much better the last few wk of pregnancy though thankfully.

I will definitely have to leave it a couple of yrs though as i couldnt manage with my toddler a baby and being pregnant again. I would be at least 41 though which does worry me a little. Just wish i was 4 0r 5 yrs younger even.

[cece]

I had DC3 at the age of 42. My GP said 15% of her antenatal care was now for over 40's.

[liahgenisuptheduff]

lou thanks chuck.

carmen I was 39 when we conceived number 5, 40 when she was born, and I always said that was it,

a - We have enough children

b - 40 was my cut off

fast forward a year and I was so broody it was taking over my life, gone were my rational thoughts of being older, more tired, etc. We just didn't feel finished even though we thought we would.

Have to say after initial reservations, all very reasonable, space , money, time , for them and us we decided we would regret it if we didn't. So here I am 8 wks preggers with #6!!

Have to say it took 15 mths to fall as opposed to the usual 2 so my advice would be if it is something you want, then don't leave it too late.

Space and money, you always find ime, time for them and yourselves you have to work at getting right but tis well worth it.

We are really excited now. I hope it works out for you. Good luck. x

[liahgenisuptheduff]

oh yes and I have horrendous pregnancies, constant sickness, pgp, Obstetric cholestasis last 3 times. I labour well though so that's something.

riven Wouldn't he be open to a Proper talk about it. I know you have alot on your plate but it's huge if one doesn't feel finished and the other says no.

[liahgenisuptheduff]

riven so sorry that was supposd to be a

[carmenelectra]

Oh im sorry riven if there is no way that you can talk him round.

Its so different for men isnt it though? They dont feel the way that we do.

Lia, I dont think I will go as far as you. I though 40 would be my cut off too, so we tried for number 3 when ds2 was 2 and I had ds3 at 39.

I also thought/think 3 was/is enough, a bigger enough family without being too big.

I wanted to get on with my life and satrt having time for myself.

So why i am i having these silly thoughts. I dont feel as strongly about having another, but I do think I want one.

The main thing for me now though isnt age,I dont think.Ive accepted that 40 would be ok for a 4th child. Its the fact of space and coping with work(i couldnt afford to give up or even cut hours). Our house is 3 bed and it would mean that ds1 would never get his own room- something we had promised he would get back again now he is about to start secondary school. He would have to share with 2 little kids.

I know in the grand scheme of things this doesnt matter as for goodness sake when most people used to have big families they all had to share rooms.

Dp doesnt want another but i know i could talk him round

[liahgenisuptheduff]

I understand your ds having his own space, we are lucky we have 4 beds with room for making another room without losing living space. Don't think we will though, Eldest dd has own room, (15) ds and ds, (12 and 6) share and 2yr dd and 4 yr dd share. Obviously dh and I share too, (43 and 40) We will have baby in with us for up to a year then put in with 2 youngest girls regardless if it's sex. The room is easily big enough.

I hope it works out how you hope anyway. Very good luck to you.

riven Without meaning to be patronising, I am really sorry life has been cruel to you. You do seem to cope so well, I'm not sure I would have your strength of character. ((()))

[Loujalou]

Sorry to butt but sends Lia a virtual non-mumsnetty hug. Thought I might find you here.

[liahgenisuptheduff]

Thanks lou riven when we decided to try for #6, I had to give up bf dd to get periods back. (*always the case for me) A month after we started trying, dh announced he'd changed his mind!! We didn't know it then but i'd already caught. I lost it Xmas eve last year. He didn't even think it mattered and moaned when I wanted to come home from his brothers christmas night cos I felt rough. He said, "look cos we have little kids we have to go home early"

I was absolutely devastated. I have 5 beautiful, healthy children and I simply couldn't get over this feeling. I pleaded, cried, tried to rationilse, I even contemplated piercing a condom!! . (I didn't do it). It was a really rough time for us, we were barely speaking as I genuinely couldn't bring myself to even look at him.

In the end, I wrote him a letter, I told him in the letter how I was genuinely worried that this would burn me up inside and I would end up resenting him, and that I was worried we wouldn't be able to get over this. I asked him to just agree to give it serious thought. He said he would and a month later he got our then 5 yr ds to present me with a bottle of gaviscon in boots telling me i'll need this soon.

I know perhaps I was a bit selfish, I know all the reasons he wanted to stop were valid but the urge to have children is so primal and strong that I truly believed those obstacles could be overcome and embraced. I just couldn't get past it and I did try, I really did.

My dh is not a man to agree just to shut me up, I know he gave it his full attention after that, and when he agreed, he agreed with his whole being and completely moved into ttc, and all that entailed. He is thrilled about this baby and we know this will be our last one and are really looking forward to it.

I know your situation is very different from the conventional but the primal need for children is still the same I believe. My heart goes out to you, it really does. I think maybe you could have a very honest talk with dh, as raw as it gets and let him know how much it means to you. I don't have the solution, I was lucky, I really really hope you will be too. 41 is not past it so you have a little time on our side too.

[winjy]

my mum had number 5 at 42 and never regretted any of it...there is a 21 year age gap between me and my brother and its amazing...40 in this day and age is not old at all...go for it xx

[juuule]

I had dc8 at 40 and dc9 at almost 44.
I don't regret it.

[elvislives]

I had number 5 at almost 44. Immediately after she was born I was keen to have another, because there is a huge gap between her and the rest of the family (currently they are 23, 22, 20, 18 and 2.9).

Because she was breech and CS I wanted to wait until she was 2 before trying again. Once she was 2 I realised there is no way I could cope with another. I work FT and nursery fees are almost £10k a year. We've had a big move this year and there has been a lot to cope with.

She is now wittering on and on about a "baby sister". My period was late this month and I was horrified at the thought I might be pg so I think that's it for us now. I am for her that she'll be an only and won't have the experience her siblings had, but I don't feel it's a good enough reason for trying again (and at 46+ I think it'd be unlikely now anyway)

I recognize your "not finished" feeling.