why does everyone keep asking?!

[ktkoo]

Is it just me, or does everyone have sisters and other relatives dropping unhelpful hints about clocks ticking? I don't want to tell people we're ttc (we have been for 6 months)but I don't know how to stop all the questions. If I tell them, I'll feel like I'm being watched. But, I guess I feel like that anyway. I wish people would just mind their own business. How can I say that without being 1) rude, 2) admit to the fact that we are ttc and I'm beginning to worry something may be wrong?

[whomovedmychocolate]

ktkoo - first of all, the average time taken to conceive is 13 months, so you have nothing to worry about yet.

But in terms of hints I always found 'hahah, you mad thing' was a good response, or 'nah it's not a clock ticking, it's tinnitus from hearing babies scream at you all the time dear'

Or just plain out ignoring them and smiling sweetly and rolling eyes.

Don't worry, you'll get there, just keep on going and try not to get obsessed with getting pregnant.

[ktkoo]

I like those responses. I needed to find a bit of humour after being irritated earlier.

I'm not quite worried yet,.. but I am starting to be a little. To be honest it never crossed my mind that there would be a problem having religiously taking the pill for 15 years! But, now I'm starting to get a bit nervous that something might be wrong. Not to the point of booking a doctors appointment, but just starting to get a bit uneasy.

Where do these average time estimates come from? 13 months is such a long time! If you are BD at the right time every month (according to OV tests or temperature gazing) the average is 13 months? That seems soo long.

[Josie22]

OMG 13 months!!! I have done 5 and am already feeling that I might need to get checked out medically. Not sure I could do 13 months of this emotional rollercoaster. I think 6 months is reasonable time to go to docs if you are making sure that you are bd enough and especially at the right times - which it sounds like you are. If my nhs doc says I have to wait for 12 months then I think i willend up going privately if at 6months nothing has happened(once I save up the money!!). I would rather know if there is something wrong.

I have exactly the same problem with other people asking questions/dropping hints - not with my family but my friends. They are all obsessed with who is getting pg and who is trying. We haven't told anyone we are trying (apart from my sis) because I don't think its anyone elses business but that's just our personal feelings. I know lots of people are more open about it and that's great if it works for them but I think it would make it worse to have them asking all the time when nothing is happening. I guess it means that they can't be TTC themselves as they wouldn't know how horrible it is to be asked all the time.

[katster37]

People can be so rude, can't they. I remember every time I didn't drink alcohol, people would start exchanging glances, and I was like 'no, I just don't want to drink tonight!!!'. All my female friends seem obsessed right now and are either directly asking, or dropping hints and gossiping about whether so and so is / isn't. I am 12 weeks on Friday and desperately trying to fend off comments for another couple of days until after the scan when hopefully I will feel more comfortable about announcing it, and hence giving people something else to gossip about!
Ktkoo are you temping? I found that really helpful and was actually ovulating a couple of days later than I had thought, based on other signs.
Also - 13 months seems a v long time. I would go to GP after 6 and maybe exaggerate how long you have been trying... Bit naughty I suppose, but for your own sanity? Anyway, hopefully you won't need to. Have my fingers crossed for you ladies! x

[Cosmosis]

It's because they're f*cking rude, that's why. My work colleague asked me the same the other day, I've only known him 2 months.

Thankfully, given we've been together nearly 16 years and married for 8, most people have just assumed we don't want any so have given up asking!

I just go with a vague, oh maybe someday, in response (though at nearly 35 that's not going to wash much longer either), or I say I've taken the batteries out of my clock so it's not ticking

[lal123]

DPs BIL used to constantly ask when we were going to have a brother or sister for my DD - just to drive me mad - especially as I'd had 2 mcs trying. Some people just don't think about the potential effect of what they say.

[cupcakefairy]

ktkoo if you took the pill for 15 years I really don't think 6 months is long enough to start worrying something could be wrong. Give you body a chance to settle down - it has basically been forced into thinking it is pregnant for the last 15 years so needs to start ovulating normally again. Give yourself a chance and don't go fretting yet
I agree that temping is the way to go; it's very accurate for knowing when/if you have ovulated. And if you don't get the temperature surge (which suggests you are not ovulating) then go see a doc.

[spiralqueen]

I worked with someone who made the mistake of telling our receptionist that she was ttc. Every month she was asked if she was pregnant and it went on for years despite the receptionist being warned about the impact it was having - she couldn't understand why it would be upsetting just thought she was being caring.

It didn't stop until it was confirmed that the lady in question couldn't have children.

[Josie22]

Spiralqueen that's awful. How insensitive of the receiptionist, some people have no idea do they. I don't know why everyone feels they have a right to ask these things. Its wierd, before we got married all we got where questions about when were we going to get married and now all we get is questions about when we are going to have a baby. Not sure what comes after that...

[ClaireDeLoon]

I'm with Cosmosis, they're just rude and sadly ignorant of what ttc and it not working is actually like. They think (as was obvious in a thread here a few weeks ago) that failing to conceive is no biggy, if they weren't blessed with their DC's they wouldn't be at all upset oh no they'd just get on with life. Thankfully it is a small minority though and most (as can be seen here on mumsnet) have compassion and won't niggle you. But the ones who do are damn upsetting.

Spiralqueen that is awful that poor lady.

[timmette]

Ktkoo - yep and it doesn't end when you are pregnant. There's a whole load more of unhelpful, irritating, highly personal questions that people feel the need to say out loud followed by bump touching - I remember from when pg with ds - and I mean strangers too.

[wildfig]

Just tell them your biological clock is digital, thanks, hence lack of tick - and that when you're pregnant, they'll be the first to know, thanks to the John Lewis nursery list you'll be hitting them up for.

Sorry. It drives me nuts. People wouldn't dream of asking people 'so, how often are you having sex?', and yet that's basically what the ttc questions are. I usually find it's my deranged parent-friends who ask, because they're desperate to recruit some support in their frazzled childcare club, so I tend to answer with a tinkly laugh, and something like, 'Oh, we've got a holiday booked/just about to buy a new car/getting the white carpets in... maybe next year?'

[wildfig]

(but then I am a sarky cow, and can't help myself.)

[ktkoo]

I've been tempted to answer with an itemised list of BD events, OV kit results, temperature that morning etc. In fact, using the phrase "baby dancing" alone would probably do it!! No more questions after that!

To be honest, I know I've been guilty about asking people in the past about their plans for kids. I wouldn't do that again now I know what it can be like if you're ttc.

I'm not sure if I'm being paranoid, but the drinking bit is so tricky. It feels like every offer of a drink is loaded. I've made a pact with my husband so I pretty much always accept a drink, and if it's uncertain time (between ov and period) he'll drink it-well, most of it anyway!

"katster37" and "cupcakefairy", I have been temping and all seems to be ok. I came off the pill about 3 months before ttc so i think cycles have all calmed down now. But it did take a while to get to grips with when ovulation was... at the beginning I thought I wouldn't bother with that stuff and just see what happened. Then, when nothing happened, I started looking into it! I'll see how I feel, but if nothing happens in the next two months-maybe three if I can bring myself to be that patient, I'll probably go to the docs. At an appointment I had about a year ago I had the rubella vaccine check and discussed ttc with him... so I can say I've been ttc for a bit longer than I have.

[ktkoo]

[timmette] - You've just reminded me of my first close friend to get pg who was always moaning about people wanting to touch her stomach. I secretly thought she was being a bit uptight at the time, but now I totally get it.

[brettgirl2]

Why not say fairly light heartedly. 'Ooh, getting a bit personal.'

If they don't take the hint then tell them to mind their own fecking business. They are the rude ones IMO.

My MIL got more and more strained with me over not having kids (I wasn't ttc btw). I found it upsetting, I dread to think how I would have felt if I'd been trying for two years.