It's never going to work - moving on from ttc

[spiralqueen]

Anyone managed to do this? And if so how did you manage to wean yourself off all the calendar watching/symptom spotting/lifestyle madness that goes with ttc?

Need to have a break at least from ttc if not a permanent halt, but difficult to see how you can get yourself out of the ttc habit.

Might not be the best thread for this question but couldn't think which would be a better one. All thoughts gratefully received

[SatHereSitting]

Hi spiralqueen, I'm not going to lie to you it is incredibly hard, if not impossible. I think the main factor that dictates how successul you are at moving on from ttc is how pissed off with it you are. If you're not ready to 'give up' you will still accidently on purpose calender watch and symptom spot, and still be gutted when it doesn't happen each month.

I 'gave up' ttc after 4 years, I was about to start IVF but had put that off as well because I didn't feel I could cope with it not working.

What I did was:

1. Stopped tracking my cycle, I didnt even write down my lmp.

1. Made sure I didn't have sex in the middle of my cycle, nearly considered using condoms but felt that was just stupid. (TBH ttc had damaged our sex life so much, it was easier not to have sex at all )

1. Stopped being healthy and started drinking again and smoking (Not saying you should do this )

1. Got a new focus- I bought a puppy and decided to 'mother' that instead

A strange twist of fate with this however was, that 2 months after giving up ttc, and I had genuinley given up, was I found myself pregnant after only bd once that month. I wouldn't have found out straight away either if it wasn't for the fact my doctor told me to take a pregnancy test before starting a new medication and the kind people at mumsnet had sent me a free digital pregnacy test.

[wannaBe]

I won't lie and say that it's easy, but it can be done.

I gave up actively ttc after about 2.5 years, that is to say I told myself it was never going to happen (I never did charting etc although knew where I was in cycle). But deep down I always told myself that giving up meant I might fall pregnant, as that's essentially what people say (give up and you'll get pregnant).

I always considered myself to still be ttc, but it was always in the knowledge that we couldn't get pregnant.

A few months ago we discussed the possibility of IVF, fueled in part by the fact sil is having ivf atm, and we did discuss whether we should pursue it, or whether not doing so would mean we'd regret it for ever, however the indecision over it led us to realize that it wasn't for us, and so we have now definitively made our peace with not having any more children.

I'm not on the pill, I've been not using contraception long enough to know that it can't happen, so am positive I can't have any more children.

For me it was all about concentrating on the positives rather than the negatives, and also trying to look at the impact another child would have on us. So for eg we went to the states last year, something which wouldn't have been possible with a baby, I look at the age gap now, I look at my healthy happy ds, and think that it's better to concentrate on the things I have rather than the things I don't/can't have.

Maybe just stop charting and don't use any contraception but stop thinking about it all, spend time with your existing dc (if you have any). if you don't have children, perhaps think about whether assistive conception is a path you wish to explore, and if not, then live your life for the things you enjoy now, and the rest will follow.

And don't kid yourself that giving up will mean you'll fall pregnant, because it's that belief that means that in reality you're not giving up at all.

Good luck.

[spiralqueen]

Trying to concentrate on being grateful for the dd we have. DH keeps gently reminding me that we didn't think we could have her so we shouldn't be greedy. Mentally I know he's right but it is hard to fully accept emotionally.

GP told me today that she doesn't think I'm ovulating every month and that at my age (46) the options are very limited. She has (in response to my question) said that she thinks that ttc is unlikely to be successful. That has helped as I think I needed to be told by someone medical that it wouldn't happen.

Think Wannabe is right about not kidding yourself. Assisted conception is not an option we can afford financially and having seen the impact it can have on other people and their relationships I think it's not a route I'd want to follow.

Thanks for all your thoughts - experiences of others in the same boat would be good.

[fifitot]

Hi Spiral - have posted on the usual thread re this as I am at similar stage as you.

Every month I say I will stop and then it gets to ov time and I say 'one more try'. However am fed up of BD sex, tests and temp taking. It is soul destroying.

Think I'm nearly there but still have got a nagging feeling about unfinished business and regrets about not ttc earlier in my life. Need a bit of closure but not sure where to get it. I think if you get the tests and they tell you definately then maybe that would be the closure you need.

[deanychip]

TBH i never started with the whole charting cycles, cm and temp checking.

It all seems to be WAY too much hard work for me.

But i did find myself jotting down my lmp and counting the days.

So i took a deap breath and stopped doing that. Its just too disapointing each month...all that effort and for what?

2 years we have been trying, i am about to embark on my 4th mc.

Just dont get started with it in the first place is my advice...but then hindsight is a great gift is it not?