I'm so fucking angry and pissed off with ttc

[crunch]

I'm fucking sick of it. Every month it's the same let down and I'm supposed be all 'oh well it's alright, we'll try AGAIN'. It is not alright. I'm sick of crying over it.

My period used to be regular but I've been counting every hour and it's fucked up. I imagine symptoms every month, I know that. I think I feel sick when in reality 9dpo is way too early to have morning sickness but this month I really did feel different. My boobs hurt way more than usual and have done for six days, I was definately going to the loo more in the last two days and I've had a pain in my right side all day today. It was so sore that I wanted to take a painkiller for it but wouldn't incase I was pg.

Now I've just started bleeding on CD23 It's not bright red just brown but that's how AF always starts so I'm not fooling myself into thinking it could be implantation.

Then there's the guilt. I feel so guilty because I know there are lots of other people who have been ttc way longer than me and other who have had mc's and here I am complaining about not having a BFP after trying for just under a year.

I'm mad with my body and I'm mad with God. I never thought I'd say that. I do have faith but it's being tested right now to a limit I don't think I can handle. I feel so guilty for questioning my faith and again because I know some people are tested to a much greater degree and I feel like a bitch. I have a beautiful, thankfully healthy dd. My past is catching up on me and I think I'm being punished for stupid mistakes I made as a teenager. Karma.

I cannot believe it only CD23. I NEVER had AF this early Something is wrong. Technically it's not even CD23 because Af arrived last month at 7pm on the 27th so it's only 23days and 2 hours. 10days after I think I OV'd.

This is the fucking pits

I'm sorry if this is all over the place.

[daffodill6]

OOhhh - I don't actually know what to say -- but you are obviously hurting so much... I don't understand half of the technicalities of your thread but I really feel your hurt.

Don't blame your past for your future.. God will always love you and you should be greatful for what you already have - children, family etc

Life is often hard ..and then...?

Believe in yourself

[citybranch]

I feel the same way being punished for mistakes in the past. Like someone up above is saying, ha ha you can't just pick and choose your future like you thought you could!
I totally understand. But one day you WILL have your baby and this will all wash away.

[crunch]

Thank you both so much for your posts. I'm absolutely exhausted from this shit day so I'm going to bed. Please don't feel that I don't appreciate your posts. I really do and I will be back here tomorrow evening, when my head is a little clearer hopefully, to reply properly.

Goodnight

[daffodill6]

sleep well

[lostittoday]

Yes I know its very frustrating.

ttc should be recognised as one of lifes most stressful events along with divorce, bereavement, etc, as it is truly horrendous.

I don,t know why but your af always seems to muck up when ttc its so blasted cruel.
I am so bloody depressed about my situation as I don,t know what is going on with my af. what with long cycles and absences currently on cd 86 with no af.
After almost a year I am pissed off with it and now I suspect its probably not going to be for me I am old (38) with thyroid problems.
Its all so blasted cruel.
How old are you and how long have you been ttc.

[bluestarlavender]

Hi Crunch,

I think we all really understand your pain. This is going to sound awful, I know with MN, we're all here for eachother, and we do all really want good things for everyone, but as much as you want other people to be happy, it still hurts to see all the BFPs when you're getting BFNs.

It is shit and it's horrible...

I know you don't think it's implantation...but on CD23 and 10 DPO it really could be.

Hope you sleep okay and feel a little brighter tomorrow.

BSL x

[MsG]

Hi Crunch,

I hope you feel a bit better next time you log on... Please don't blame yourself, or feel guilty about how long you've been trying compared to others etc. It's horrible, full stop.

I'm absolutely fed up of it myself... Had an early m/c last June, so everyone thinks it's helpful to say "Well, you know you CAN conceive"... Great!!! So why aren't I?!

I have found it really disappointing how some people, friends and family, react too. I just think unless you have been in this position, it's hard to understand it. I am trying to be more positive, but my moods are so tied in with my cycle now. Optimistic when it's that time when I "could" conceive...and bitterly disappointed and resentful when I get my AF. It's making me quite angry, to be honest.

Sorry, I didn't want to hijack your thread. It's good to be able to come on here and vent and know people understand, though, isn't it?

Take care.
xxx

[QueenyEisGotTheBall]

hi
i know exactly how you must be feeling unfortunately i have been TTC for 9 cycles
and with 2 chemical pregnancies under my belt in the meantime it has totally worn me down trying and i have passed all of my milestones i had set for myself and i am still waiting i have seen all of my TTC friends bar one or two fall pregnant and whilst i am so happy for them it is a stark reminder that i am so not pregnant it stings!! i myself dont have the same faith etc as you do i have my own set of beliefs and i spent alot of time rationalising my first MC (oct 2002) by telling myself everything happens for a reason etc and whilst i believe that to an extent i feel it cant be the answer to everything!! and since my
CPs (april 08, june 08) i am believing it even less but i really do believe that whatever your faith/beliefs you need to keep hold of them as i feel it has been the glue thats held me together for the past few months. TTC is a lonely time whether you have got friends around you being supportive or not as noone knows how you are feeling but you. TTC is poo but the end result is what we are working towards so dont lose sight of things while TTC is trying to blind you xx {{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}
xx ei xx

[mrsgboring]

I'm miserable about so far failing at TTC this time round too. It's shit and it gets miserable approx. 1 cycle in.

Won't hijack with my circumstances, but suffice it to say I've put on about 6lb in stress related eating since we started TTC 4 months ago.

[blackrock]

Am with you girl . Everyone seems to be PG where i am!

[Hunnie]

Hi crunch, I feel so for you I really do. I know just what you mean. Since Saturday when my period was due I have done two tets (posted on here re: evaporation lines on my pregnancy test am I pregnant?). I have sore boobs, peeing a fair amount, sort of pre-menstrual crampy feeling too. My period has always been 28 days. Then in February it all went pear shaped. WE had a very stressful year last year with a miscarriage at 11 weeks and we lost our little boy at almost 23 weeks out of the blue. It was as you can imagine, horrendous. We have now been trying for 9 months which to us is absolutely ages as my other 3 pregnancies all took 2 and 3 months to get pregnant. I turned 40 too last year. Like you say, every month it is the same. Imagining til I feel I am going to go slightly mad! All the symptoms seem to be there then wham! along comes the bloody period. I know other people have been trying for years, and like you, I feel so guilty, My period is now 2 days late and I think it must be cos I have been so stressed at work that it has made me late. I am going to do another test tomorrow, but I think I am getting my hopes up. And like blackrock, everyone around is pg or just had their babies. It is a painful reminder when you are tyring. I am so grateful that we have our daughter but I so desperately want another child. I think about our little boy everyday; hopefull soon all of our wishes on here will come true!

[crunch]

Hi all,

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. It's kind of hard to say 'it's nice to know I'm not alone' when the reason I'm not is so frustrating and sad.

AF is definately here - she was in full swing this morning with bells on!

I can't even begin to put into words how I feel. A mix of many emotions none of them nice but I'll be ok, I know that. I just need to feel my feelings right now. Bottling up in the past has never been a very good idea and I know there will be brighter days. I think it's called hope.

To those of you who are going through something similar I wish you the very best of luck and hope that your wishes are realised soon. Thank you for sharing with me and offering encouragement and hope even when you were experiencing your own pain, it is very much appreciated.

Daffodill6 - Thank you for your kind words. I know you're right. Faith, hope and belief in myself have always helped me over the various hurdles in life. I will continue to have all three. It won't always be a walk in the park but I'll not walk alone

Take care ladies

[beanieb]

I am having ups and downs
my mum rang me today, supposedly just because she hadn't spoken to me for a while, so we chatted for ages about this and that. Right at the end she said 'so, and how is everything else?' I KNOW she means 'any news on the pregnancy situation' and I KNOW her heart is in the right place, I even know it's my fault for telling her I was trying.... it's just I feel so annoyed by it. I think she knows my cycle and so she's calling when she thinks my period is due. Trouble is that last month my period was late by almost a week so I am not expecting it for another week.

Sigh.

10 months trying and still no baby. I wanted to stop trying but am still looking out for signs and hoping against all hope when my period is late but I am just starting to think it will never happen

[MsG]

I read somewhere recently that 95% of couples will get pregnant within 2 years of trying. I know 2 years is a long time, but that statistic is worth holding onto through all the miserable months...

xx

[beanieb]

even when you are 38 years old?

[MsG]

I'm not sure - it didn't mention age, but 38 isn't that old. I know two women who had children aged 42 and 44. Admittedly, it did take them a bit longer to fall pregnant.

I also know 2 women who are pregnant now, one nearly 38 and the other 37. The one who's 37 got pregnant really easily - I'm not sure about the other.

xx

[evergrounded]

Crunch. Have just read your message, and had to reply, as what you have expressed here is EXACTLY what I am feeling at the moment and have been for the last 18 months of ttc. Nothing that anyone says can make you feel any better, and I completely agree that we are often really let down and disappointed by the reactions of close friends who think they are being sympathetic, but really dont have a clue about how it feels to fail to conceive month after month. I too am absolutely sick of crying about it every month, and feeling like shit for days when my period arrives. I have just come to the end of all the tests (blood tests, sperm tests, HyCoSy to check my fallopian tubes) and they have all come back 'normal', so why arent I getting pregnant? I start to worry about all sorts of things, like it could be the 10 years that I was on the pill, or the fact that my dp drinks a little bit too much beer, or that fact that I have been drinking soya milk for the last 2 years, as I have a mild lactose intolerance, and have now discovered lots of articles about how soya milk can affect your fertility.....and i just dont know what to believe anymore! I am so sick of constant worry and speculation, and I just want to be able to switch off, but I cant.

[Flibbertyjibbet]

I'm sorry to hear that you are so frustrated. I used to be crying down the phone to dp from the work toilets every month
Perhaps you are getting so stresed about it all that the stress has affected your AF cycle?

I was on the pill for 15 years and sure that had something to do with it.

[scared1976]

hi everyone,
i just wanted to post and say hugs. i felt exactly the same after ttc our first for 16 months. we had all the tests, and half way thru I found out I was pregnant. Im 4 months now.
who knows if it helped, but i saw a nutritionist and had acumpuncture for the first time the month we finally hit the jackpot.
also, i found the ovulation sticks with the smiley faces the best way to make sure you are hitting the good times
x

[cam75]

hi crunch, everybody

i can really sympathize with you. I have been ttc for maybe 5-6 years. I have had a failed ivf 2005 and that was stressful and heart breaking when it didn't work.
I was on the edge when af made an apperance last week, i don't know wheather i am coming or going with this clomid thing!!! I am now on cycle 3, i have 3 more to go.
Don't lose faith just keep praying it will happen. I got my pastor to pray over me and i know i don't have the strength to do it alone.
It will happen it just takes time that is all. I have learnt to be patient and focus positivley.
We will do it just tell yourself that.

[thesquiz]

not sure if this thread is still going, but can relate to so much that I had to try and join in! had m/c last september and have been ttc since then, with no joy. am completely fed up with the fact that my life now revolves around a 30-odd day cycle, with a good bit in the middle and a shit 7-10 days whenever I come on. I feel as though I can't think about anything else. am trying to concentrate on doing lots of things, and on enjoying dd, now 2, but it is always there at the back of my mind. I know that stressing about it is probably the worst thing I can do, but can't not! its nice to feel there are others out there who feel the same. anniemac, what is the Hutt of Gloom thread? sounds apt...