Would you (in theory) try for a 2nd child if you were me?

[Sanguine]

DS is only 6MO, and he is just smashing . After my first pregnancy/birth, DH and I gratefully agreed that we were never, EVER going through that again. This was fine with me as I feel so happy with DS, and so happy not to be pregnant any more. I'm quite disabled with ehlers danlos syndrome, and in consequence got horrid SPD that had me in a wheelchair from about 25 weeks, and by the end I could hardly move an inch. I was determined to have a natural birth, but due to immobility, and extra pain from SPD the birth was a horrible, horrible 33 hour nightmare. DH is still traumatised I think! However, despite the fact my pelvis is still in bits (and will probably stay that way, knowing the way these things go with me), I have found myself musing on the idea of maybe one day being ready to go through it all again, even though I know SPD can get worse with subsequent pregnancies, and I have to think about the welfare of DS, and whether I can be a proper mummy for him. I haven't told DH this, as I think he might faint.

Has anyone else gone ahead with TTC #2 despite having had a horrible first pg? I was wondering if I could cut back on the horror of it all by asking for an ELCS, but don't know if they would let me... The trouble is, I have always wanted two children, it's just that my body seems to have other ideas. I've thought about maybe adopting, but I'm not sure if they'll let you adopt a baby if you are physically capable of conceiving (have I got that right?). I'd also like to know people's honest opinions as to whether it would be selfish, given that I would more than likely be totally immobile again while I was pg, then get even more disabled long term in consequence, and all the time I have a gorgeous little boy to look after.

[ateles]

Didn't want your message to go unanswered...it sounds like you had a hell of a time, but I understand how you can be thinking of no.2. I had severe pre eclampsia with DS (11 months) and nearly died. At the time me and DP said 'never again!' but now just 11 months on we have an appointment tomorrow with the consultant to discuss our plans to ttc no.2. It is a bit scary, but I really want another baby. I would suggest you speak to your GP and ask him/her to refer you to a consulant, so you can at least see what your options are.

[lastboxoftampons]

I agree that you should speak to a doctor. If it were just down to the pain, I would say go ahead - a few days, weeks, months of pain in exchange for a lifetime of happiness seems totally worth it. But if it's likely to adversely affect your health to the point where it will compromise you caring for the child you already have, let alone another one, I would carefully weigh all factors.

I'm so sorry you've been through such an ordeal. Best of luck in whatever you decide!

[sweetkitty]

I have found that SPD has gotten worse each pregnancy, this time has been awful but I have a 3 and 2yo to look after and don't get much of a break.

I can totally understand why you want another one, second births are a lot easier than first remember.

I would think long and hard about the help you have, do you have relatives to look after your DS for you? Can you afford extra help around the house for eg? I know people say oh it's only X weeks but when you are facing 10 or so weeks in agony it can seem like a lifetime.

Oh and apparently having a longer gap between babies is better for the SPD to give your body time to recover, I have 18 months between first two and 2 1/2 years between next two we deliberately waited longer this time to give my body a rest but it's not really made a difference. I think maybe 3 or 4 years would IYSWIM.

Good luck no matter what you decide.

[Sanguine]

oh yes, pre-eclampsia... I forgot to add that one! Luckily for me not too bad, but who knows how it would affect a subsequent pregnancy?

Our families live miles away, so it really is just me and DH. I think I'd have to see if I could access some sort of home help, either privately or through social services. The pain I can deal with, it's the frustration of being helpless that really gets to me. DH is a complete gem and almost never complains, but while I was pregnant he was completely knackered from working and caring for me. If we did it again, he'd have me and DS to look after, and it really doesn't seem fair to even ask him to do it, especially as he is quite happy just as we are. Hmm. Lots of thinking and talking to be done, and definitely no rushing into things. If only my biological clock would stop ticking so loudly...

[happynappies]

Hi - I'm currently ttc after horrible 32 hour nightmare birth 18 months ago, with undiagnosed SPD which I'm still being treated for. As I see it there are two issues here - the trauma of the birth, and the SPD, both of which I can relate to. My dh was definately traumatised by our ordeal, so I can also relate to what you're saying there! I have gradually dealt with that by talking about the birth lots and lots (and going over it on MN) and doing lots of research into things which could help me to feel in more control next time, and manage the pain better. I only decided to ttc once I felt posititive/optimistic that there were things I could do to cope better, and that I didn't have to accept the same situation again should it arise, because I simply couldn't. If I do get pg, I plan to go through my fears/concerns very carefully with the mw initially then with the hospital director of nursing or whoever is in charge to give me the best possible chance of things going more smoothly. Oh yes, and I intend to hire a doula. Not just for me, but to support us both - as I think dh will need it.

As for the SPD - because I was in stirrups for a long long time during the birth a lot of damage was done to my pelvis, so I couldn't walk at all for several days, and haven't been able to walk properly for 12 months. I've been seeing a chiropractor who has helped me get back to normal, and knowing that (a) I'd recognise the first signs of SPD and (b) I'd know what to do about it in general (e.g. what to avoid) and in terms of accessing medical support (God help them if I do get pg!) I feel a lot better about this too. I've been in touch with PelvicPartnership and have found their support great, and although I am filled with a certain amount of trepidation, I am ttc'ing now feeling positive that even if SPD returns and I have a difficult birth, it will not and could not be as bad as the first one. It was a MNer who said that I had survived my first ordeal and it would never be that bad again, and somehow that kick-started my recovery and now dd is 18 months, I feel 'normal' again. Good luck with your decision - hope something in that garbled message of mine helps!

[happynappies]

Hi - I'm currently ttc after horrible 32 hour nightmare birth 18 months ago, with undiagnosed SPD which I'm still being treated for. As I see it there are two issues here - the trauma of the birth, and the SPD, both of which I can relate to. My dh was definately traumatised by our ordeal, so I can also relate to what you're saying there! I have gradually dealt with that by talking about the birth lots and lots (and going over it on MN) and doing lots of research into things which could help me to feel in more control next time, and manage the pain better. I only decided to ttc once I felt posititive/optimistic that there were things I could do to cope better, and that I didn't have to accept the same situation again should it arise, because I simply couldn't. If I do get pg, I plan to go through my fears/concerns very carefully with the mw initially then with the hospital director of nursing or whoever is in charge to give me the best possible chance of things going more smoothly. Oh yes, and I intend to hire a doula. Not just for me, but to support us both - as I think dh will need it.

As for the SPD - because I was in stirrups for a long long time during the birth a lot of damage was done to my pelvis, so I couldn't walk at all for several days, and haven't been able to walk properly for 12 months. I've been seeing a chiropractor who has helped me get back to normal, and knowing that (a) I'd recognise the first signs of SPD and (b) I'd know what to do about it in general (e.g. what to avoid) and in terms of accessing medical support (God help them if I do get pg!) I feel a lot better about this too. I've been in touch with PelvicPartnership and have found their support great, and although I am filled with a certain amount of trepidation, I am ttc'ing now feeling positive that even if SPD returns and I have a difficult birth, it will not and could not be as bad as the first one. It was a MNer who said that I had survived my first ordeal and it would never be that bad again, and somehow that kick-started my recovery and now dd is 18 months, I feel 'normal' again. Good luck with your decision - hope something in that garbled message of mine helps!

[happynappies]

sorry for double post!

[thaliablogs]

Can't help with the SPD, although I have been reliably informed it does tend to get worse.

What I just watned to jump in on was adoption - you don't have to be unable to have children. The criteria focus on your ability to parent any child who came to you, so you do have to be committed to adoption and the different requirements it makes of you as a parent. SO that option might still be open to you.

[crokky]

I had a shocking 1st pg - I had severe hyperemesis for entire pg, liver problem, major rib pain, sciatica (sp?), blood not clotting, bleeding etc etc the list could go on. Both DS and DD had to be induced at 37 wks as at risk.

Anyway, whilst I was pg with DD, I was totally unable to look after DS (aged about 15 months when i got pg). My mum became his mum instead. In situations where I had to look after him when nobody else could, my mum put DS in the playpen and I would lay on the floor vomiting beside him attempting to look at him. Literally the only thing I was capable of was watching him for a very short period of time whilst he was penned up. Often I couldn't leave my bedroom other than to go the bathroom next door - this went on for weeks.

I got pg quickly after DS because I wanted him to be young enough not to remember and not to understand how ill I was whilst pg with DD. Plus my mum was still young enough just about, to manage my DS, with the help of my brothers, dad and step mum and step dad! It really is a horrendous time to be pg and totally unable to look after your first baby. I suppose the difference with me is that my complications are (in theory!!) reversable after the pg. I had DD 10 weeks ago and physically I am a million times better, but mentally I still feel rather destroyed. It was def. worth it though. Only thing I would say for you is be careful of long term irreversable damage. BTW I lived a long way from my mum so me and DS had to move in with her when I was pg and I didn't see my DH for 2 months when pg !

[crokky]

and I love children - I would like more, but there is now no way we could all go through it all again as it was so bad!

ps 2nd birth much quicker, body seems to know that baby is coming out!

other idea, to pay someone to live in whilst you are pg?

[mumoftwo37]

Sanguine I have no idea about your condition but I do know about SPD. I got SPD at 36 weeks pg with DS1, I had a long labour and a ventouse delivery but fortunately it went away within a few months of the birth. When I was 19 weeks pg with DS2 it came back and was very severe. DS2 is 11.5 years now and I am still suffering. I have had my symphysis fused twice, first one didn't work, and in a lot of pain still. I am unable to walk unaided and can not work. I would never, ever have another child and thus DH had a vasectomy whne DS2 was 10 months. No one can make up your mind for you and I am glad I have got DS2, but I think had I have known how things would have turned out I would probably not have had him. I don't think that life is fair on my DH and DS's but they don't make me feel guilty about anything, but that said it doesn't stop me feeling like shit about how their lives are affected.
Like I said though had to be your decision.

[Sanguine]

Mumoftwo, that's just exactly what I'm afraid of. I'm walking stick/crutches dependant as it is, and the EDS means I have crappy collagen in my joints. Injuries tend to happen very easily and just stick around for ever.

Thalia - That's very interesting about adoption. I'm certainly going to think very seriously about it as an option. I feel I have the love to give, and I don't feel I need to be biologically related to the babe (or toddler - not sure I could manage jumping straight in with a 5 year old though!). I wonder what they'd make of my disability? I guess we'd only find out by starting the process.

Thank you all for your helpful and considered responses. Lots to think about.

[Sanguine]

PS - Happynappy - stirrups - ouch! I also ended up in stirrups on a hard bed. By the time they were done with me, my pelvis was shot and several ribs had dislodged. I couldn't feel the pelvis at the time due to the epidural, but I kept telling them some ribs had popped out and they just looked at me like I was mad. I couldn't convince them at all. Eye-watering memory. After the event when I had got the full feeling back, some dolt offered me paracetamol for the pain. Paracetamol! gee, thanks.