how do you handle pg friends??

[tryingnottoobsess]

Ok, learning to post, pls bear with me if in wrong place or whatever...

Close friend is pg and just had her 3month scan. She is going to annouce at mutual friends birthday dinner tonight.

I have been ttc for about 6months and mc in July (though started temping this cycle).

Currently 12 dpo and temp crashed this morning, so I assume AF is on way (though not here yet).

None of our friends know we're ttc, or about my mc. Just not sure if I can handle pg announcement/discussion with my AF on the way :0(

Can't even have a glass of wine, as have half convinced myself that it's a late implantation dip and I might still be pg! Think I'm going insane!

Sorry to vent, I would really welcome any feedback.....

[pixie04]

I know its hard, I've been ttc 7 cycles / 9 months, I've not had a mc since ttc but have had one a few years ago so I can sympathise.

So far I've had four pregnancy announcements from close friends and family since ttc and each time as happy as I am for them I feel awful for myself.

Try to stay positive for your friend, she's happy and you wouldn't want to effect her celebration because you've not gotten there yet. You will get there at some point so just keep it in your mind that you'll be making your announcement soon.

Who knows the dip could be late implantation and in 8 weeks you could well be making your own announcement if not once AF arrives you can console yourself with a large glass of wine (or two)

Hope it all goes well xxx

[tryingnottoobsess]

Thanks Pixie, it's just good to know that somebody else understands!

Like you say about your fam & friends announcements, I feel happy for her, but my emotions are so mixed, and so damned unruly! It makes me feel like an old witch for not feeling pure joy for her.

You're right, I'm going to stay positive, it's the only way of not losing the plot.

Thanks SO much, you've no idea how reassuring it is to know that someone's out there for me.

[RuthChan]

Hi TNTO
I'm really sorry to hear about your situation.
TTC can be a really tough business.
It's lonely, frustrating and can seem to take forever.
Every month you wait with anticipation for your fertile period and then dread the arrival of your AF.
It must be especially tough having had a mc a few months ago.

The fact that your friends don't know makes it harder in some ways because you can't talk freely about your feelings.
However, it also makes it easier because they don't put extra pressure on you by asking about it all the time. It's a private thing between you and your DH.

You have been TTC for about 6 months now.
It probably feels like forever, but actually it's not that long. The average couple takes longer than that.
You had a MC. That was very unfortunate, but on the bright side that does indicate that you can conceive. You were just unlucky that it didn't work out.
I'm sure you will conceive again soon and when you do there's a good chance that you will carry to term.

With regards to the party. Do you think you can bite your tongue and control your frustration?
Your friends will consider it an extra reason to celebrate. That will doubtless be tough on you, but you can also take it as a positive thing.
Your friend has been able to conceive and before too long you will too.
The next celebration will probably be yours and all your friends will be just as happy for you then.

As for the drink, well, I'd go ahead and have a glass. You seem pretty sure that your AF is on its way. I don't think it's worth punishing yourself further on the off chance that it doesn't come...

By the way, my DH and I tried for a year and a half to conceive. I too had a mc.
Our DD will turn one year old next month.
The wait is hard, but it's well worth it.

[kerala]

Its so hard - felt this too. Sorry about your mc. But 6 months not really that long, I was told it can take healthy couples up to 2 years, though 93% have conceived by the end of the 1st year.

We ttc and it took 9 months. During the 9th month (before I knew I was pg) 3 friends announced they were pregnant. All announcements were on the same day that I had gone to see the doctor about not conceiving. All of them had got preg within 3 months of trying. I had been really relaxed about ttc until that day, but remember getting home and sobbing.

Dd is now 1 but I have the opposite problem to you. My sister confided that she has been ttc for a year with no luck. A good friend of mine has been ttc since January 06, and DH's lovely cousin has been trying for 3 years. I feel AWFUL for them as I know how they feel in a small way. I also feel uncomfortable that I have dd and they are still in that awful place ttc for ages with nothing happening.

[pixie04]

tryingnotoobsess its horrible feeling alone, I'm glad you've found MN and are learning to post, being able to vent on here and to chat to people in a similar situation I find really helps me and hopefully it'll help you too.

Have a glass of wine tonight if it makes you feel a bit more at ease, be prepared for your friends discussing having babies ect once she's made the announcement but don't get into those conversations.

I had a horrible situation recently where a family member got pregnant accidently announced the PG early and at 10 / 11 weeks decided to abort, we then all got told she had MC'd (because having an abortion isn't really talked about in our family). I was sooo angry, why announce when she wasn't sure she wanted it? Why abort when she had sooo much family support? Why Why Why? I felt and still feel quiet hard done by. Now every time MIL talks about how well soandso are and how well off they are and their nice flat is ect... and I just want to scream "yeah but I'm desperate for a baby and I wouldn't have a bloody abortion!"

Sorry bit of a rant. My rational brain says the poor woman must have gone to hell and back to come to the decision to abort, and that it's really none of my business to have an opinion. But my irrational ttc stressed brain feels extreamley sorry for myself.

So I really do understand how hard it can be. Hopefully no one will be offended by my opinion, I am embarassed about these awful feelings

[tryingnottoobsess]

Hi,

I only posted half an hour ago, and have had 3 wonderful messages of support - I'm amazed, and definitely feeling a lot better, or at least like I'm not losing my mind!

Ruth, you're right, I think that by not drinking I'm almost trying to punish myself... maybe I'll have a glass, I think I deserve it!

You're right, it's lonely, but I'm quite private, and I think it made the m/c simpler to deal with when we didn't have to tell anyone.

But this is the flip side where it feels more difficult that they don't know. Esp when friend keeps telling us they did it 1st time, and I know she'd be more sensitive if she knew....argh!

I'll be alright not telling anyone tonight (that would spoil friend's announcement, and other friend's birthday!) I'm just a bit concerned about welling up or something inappropriate.

Kerala and Ruth, it's really good to hear that you had happy endings. Kerala, I hope your fam & friends get there too.

I'm sure everything happens to us for a reason.... just haven'tquite worked out the reason yet!

[Kewcumber]

I'm absolutely no help at all, I never learnt how to deal with it. I'm not sure there is a way. I plastered on a public smile said "how nice" and didn't get too invovled in conversation about it.

I actually found the people TTC for number 2,3 4 etc and moaingin about how they were pregnant within 36 hrs MUCH harder to deal with - and even worse when I was having IVF.

No helfpul advice but happy to join the club and moan with you!

[tryingnottoobsess]

Pixie, Oh god, how horrendous. Your mind produces all this crazy unwelcome stuff, and then you feel guilty about the awful thoughts, and end up feeling even worse!

I can offer no advice, only say.... grrr TOTALLY get where you're coming from!

ttc has uncovered a massive irrational streak that I never knew I had. I always thought I'd be so cool about this and I'm really not.

[RuthChan]

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better.
That's the thing about MN. Whatever situation you're in, the chances are that someone else on here has been there too.
(And if we haven't, we'll probably make something up!! )

Anyway, the reason for your mc?
It happened because the baby that you conceived wasn't completely perfect in some way.
The fact that you lost it was actually for the best, both for you and for the baby.
Next time the baby will be absolutely perfect in every way and will emerge to make you the proudest mummy in the world.
Bare that thought in mind tonight when you help your friend to celebrate.
Enjoy your glass of wine and look forward to the all the toasts that your friends will raise to you in a few months time.

[pixie04]

I do have a couple of close friends who do know and got a txt from one of them the other day to let me know that soandso is having a girl wahoo! So even though she knows how stressed I am about ttc she's still giving me information I'd rather not be given.

It does all happen for a reason and when you do fall PG you'll want to tell everyone everything I'm sure (I know I will), someone reminded me the other day that you don't really get to hear about people who have been ttc for a long time and people's MC's in RL because people don't talk about it even once they have managed to concieve. So even though your friend boasts about getting PG 1st time she's quiet likley to be the minority.

[RuthChan]

I'm sorry.
My post seems a little inappropriate following the turn that the thread just took.

I completely know where you're all coming from having had similar experiences myself.
I also have problems talking to friends who I know are ttc (one couple of more than 6 years now!)
I have to work hard not to feel embarrassed that I have DD while they are still trying and would be such fantastic parents.

However, getting stressed makes ttc even harder and I'm sure that you'll manage it soon.
Then you'll look back dreamily about the time before you had all the stress of parenthood!

[kerala]

It is true that ttc for a long time can make you think thoughts that you are not proud of. I was ashamed of myself that my reaction to hearing of friends announcements after ttc for 9 months with no result was not initially "how wonderful" but "why not me youve only been married 2 months". Which made me feel awful about myself.

Now I cant bear to be the person that makes anyone else feel like that. Not sure I could begin to ttc for number 2 unless my sister gets pregnant first.

Also think some people should be abit more senstive the "it happened first time arent we fertile" crowd can be (hopefully unwittingly) very hurtful.

[Kewcumber]

and I never felt guilty about irrational unreasonable thoughts - I always felt it was a small payoff for the stress, allowing my self (privately) to be completely unreasonable!!

[tryingnottoobsess]

Ruth, don't be silly, it was nice to know you were still there. Don't feel guilty about your DD.

Deep down, I know that really I have to try to separate what's happening to them from what's happening to me.

It's the right time for them, and that's cool. And one day it'll be the right time for me.

And though I joked about everything happening for a reason, I really think it's true. I think I'll emerge from this stronger, and will hopefully be able to support friends in the future who are dealing with disappointment.

Just realised that sounds really worthy, but I'm trying as hard as I can!

Thanks all for your support.

[Kewcumber]

I never managed to get pregnant (not meaning to depress you as its pretty rare) and I am stronger and I love a fab DS (adopted) and a lovely life and don't for a second regret a minute of anything that went before because it all added up to the family I have today. I can't imagine it any different now.

[tryingnottoobsess]

Or maybe I prefer Kewkumber's way - irrationality without guilt!

[tryingnottoobsess]

oops sorry kewcumber, haven't quite grasped the timing thing yet, that was meant to be a response to your other post.

I'm so pleased to hear your happy ending, though I'm sure you had major stress along the way. Things have a way of working out.

[RuthChan]

TNTO: Thanks.
It sounds like you're dealing with all this really well.
You seem to be getting more positive and I hope that you can relax and enjoy this evening.
With both a birthday and a baby to celebrate it should be good party!

Kerala:
I know what you mean about people who are pregnant/parents being more sensitive to those who are ttc. I'm sure that you need to be sensitive to your sister's feelings.
However, I'm sure she would hate to think that you delayed having no. 2 for longer than you wanted simply because you were waiting for her to have no. 1.
These are difficult and delicate areas.

[herbaceous]

At my bitterest (after four mcs in the past two years) I quite often don't feel the need to be nice. I think the pregnant person is quite happy enough without my input, and that they're just rubbing my face in it.

My (younger) sis just announced her third pregnancy, all perfectly timed, all no problems, conceived at the drop of a hat, yadda yadda yadda, but was very good about it all and didn't even expect me to talk to her, let alone be nice. Which was a good thing, as I felt nothing but jealousy and bitterness. I let myself wallow in 'it's not fair' tantrumming for a week, and now feel a whole lot better, and in fact pleased for her.

So, in short, the moral might be to let yourself feel how you feel, let the storm come, then leave. Everyone will understand. And if they don't, stuff 'em.

[tryingnottoobsess]

wow, herbaceous, you've really been through the wringer. Not sure how I'd deal with that, 1 m/c has thrown me off course enough. And at least I don't have sisters reproducing like rabbits, only mates.

Yeah, there's def something to be said for letting yourself feel the emotion and letting it pass naturally.

Gotta go, I'm 'on lunch' at work, and totally taking the P! But my head was spinning and I was a bit deperate.

Thanks again everyone for the support, it has made a world of difference. I genuinely feel like I'm going to be fine tonight now, and maybe even have a nice time!

[herbaceous]

Oh and have a drink. It's not going to do any harm either way.

[birdseed]

TNTO, I know how you feel and was really glad to see your message tonight. Sorry that you are having a tough time too.

dh has just come home and told me that another set of friends has just announced preg after having been for 12 wk scan. We had missed MC found at 12 wk scan in june and no joy trying again yet (TTC#1). So green eyed monster out in force at my end.

Just when I feel that I can be a bit more upbeat and think about things other than just TTC, another friend goes and announces that they are pregnant.....irrationally I wish that our other friends could put getting pregnant on hold until we are preg, as we have been at it the longest.

Sounds really selfish when you write it out, but I said it was irrational didn't I!

[LoveAngel]

I'm quite dreading seeing my two pregnant friends at the moment, too, so I know how you feel. I am lucky as I have a gorgeous and healthy 2 yr old son that I conceived very quickly. However, we have been ttc no. 2 for 5 months and I have just had a miscarriage, so it is going to be very hard being around my two friends, who are 5 months pregnant with her 2nd child and 7 months pregnant with her 3rd child respectively. I am trying to stay positive and tell myself that before long I will be sporting a bump and having a happy, healthy pregnancy myself. I do know just how you feel, though xxx

[MrsTittleMouse]

I completely know what you're going through! It took 8 rounds of fertility treatment for me to conceieve DD and I've already posted on here about friends doing the "and I was pregnant first time, aren't we fertile" nudge nudge wink wink, as though they had a special way of shagging .
To be honest, I never really did deal with it. We never told friends what we were going through, so I put on a brave face, tried not to get involved in the discussions too much and went home and sobbed. My worst time was when I told DH that a couple of friends had "taken all the baby-luck". I'm a scientist FFS, I should know that there's no such thing, but I think that's what the stress does to you!
Good luck with your TTC, and deffo have that drink. One won't make any difference, and will fend off the possibility of "questions".

[herbaceous]

I suppose I'm 'lucky', in that people know my history, as I'd 'announced' each pregnancy at about 8 weeks when people spotted me not drinking (an otherwise unthinkable occurrence). When I then went on to lose them at around 12 weeks, I then of course had to tell them.

There was one girl who had a missed miscarriage about the same time as my first mc, and whenever we met all she wanted to talk about was the mcs. I didn't. Especially as she's 31, I'm 41, and she's got years on me. She's now pregnant, and I just can't bear to see her, partly because it's too much of a reminder, and partly because all she will talk about is the pregnancy. And I'll probably be rude. But she has kept a huge distance since the 'announcement', no doubt knowing how I feel.