Thinking about stopping........

[feedmenow]

Have not been around for a while cos have been doing a serious bit of thinking.
Basically, I am after some opinions please. My ttc history is that I conceived first time after about 3 months, the next 2 times were COMPLETE surprises and the last time in 3 months. I had a missed mc in Jan at 11 weeks and have basically been trying again ever since, although the cycle in Jan and Feb were not really trying, more just not using contraception. When period arrived in March and April I was utterly distraught and miserable. May and June, still miserable and gutted. I know there is no chance this month cos we completely missed the right time which I think I'm actually plesed about cos I don't think I want to keep doing this and putting myself through all the disappointment.
So my question is, do I just keep trying, do I take a break or do I stop altogether? My head tells me I should just take a break but this isn't completely straight forward because of contraception. I know that if I just leave it I'll still be over analysing in my head about the possibility of getting pg. And if we use condoms I know that I'll still be saying to myself "oh, if we forget the condom just this time I might get pg"! So I wouldn't really be taking a break from all this ttc malarkey at all! So I want to know, is a gp likely to prescribe the pill for me just for 2 or 3 months?
Opinions appreciated please, but please remember that I am just trying to get my thoughts straight on this one!

[mears]

The GP would prescribe the pill for you for a few months. If that is what you need to do to help you at this time, then do it.

[ash6605]

oh bless you,I could have written this thread myself!!
I seem to have no probs conceiving when I am using contraception but it never happens when ttc,or if it does I miscarry.
I'm in the same boat as you,since my mmc in december i've gone through the heartbreak and dissapointment every month when af arrives-made ten times worse by the fact that everyone around me seems to be pregnant right now.I'm now,like you,at the stage where I can't take it anymore.I've even considered sending dh for the snip just to end it once and for all-although deep in my heart I desperately want another baby.
The pill is no option for me as I get terrible depression on it,so that would rule out other hormone contraception aswell,had nothing but hell with my last coil so condoms are our only option.

no real advice for you as my heads allover the place too but all i can say is-with the pill you could knock your hormones out of sync making it difficult to concieve if that is what you decide to do in the end.

[jabuti]

hi there,

it sounds like you would like to stop ttc for a while by using some sort of contraception just so you dont get disappointed at the end of the month in case you didnt get pregnant, is that right? if so, using condoms would be a more natural way of doing it, so you dont mess up your hormones.

if what i said above doesnt correspond to your feelings at the moment, is it possible for you to have sex without expectations?

[feedmenow]

Thanks for the replies ladies.
Jabuti, the way my mind works is a constant game of double bluffing myself! I just know that if we used condoms, I would end up "accidently" forgetting to use one mid-cycle in the hope that i could pretend to myself that I wsn't really trying and therefore not expecting anything. As for having sex with no expectations, I don't think I stand any chance with that! I know, I am my own worst enemy!
ash, so sorry to hear that you feel this way too. It is just so heartbreaking isn't it? I really envy the people that are able just to relax and go with the flow, or that simply have the strength and determination to keep on going month after month. I think it is not helping (for me) that my due date is only 2 months away. I'd always just assumed I'd be pg again by then and now I have to face that very real possibility that I won't be. I think that it would somehow be easier to actually stop trying, let the date pass and then maybe give it another go.
Thanks mears, i thought they probably would prescribe it, so I might give it a go.

[mum03]

feedmenow - I am feeling like giving up too, it is so hard to keep going. I think that the only person who can tell what is right for you is you. I know I do the double bluff on myself all the time too. I never temp charted before this time and now after 6 months I feel torn between continuing as it gives me something to focus on other than testing!, and stopping ttc altogether.

I guess the only person who can tell you, if it is time to stop ttc for a while, is you!

I hope that you get a helpful doc if you do go the pill route. {{{hugs}}}

[seaside72]

feedme - I am really sorry you are feeling so low. I know how obsessive TTC can become and I honestly think it would have taken hypnotherapy/Paul McKenna for me to have stopped it/taken a break.

Personally I would say that unless you have really decided to stop for at least a year I would not choose to go back on the pill etc as has been said already I think these methods mess with your hormones and for such a short a time you could find yourself on a hormonal rollercoaster.

I know it is no consolation but every month even if you do hit the right time you still have only a 20% chance of conceiving I think. It is a total lottery. It has taken me 20 months since coming off the pill to even get a bfp (we'll see if it sticks or not - fingers crossed - cos not sure I could hack another 20 months ) and I would say that out of that 20 months we hit 10 months at the right time. You have conceived successfully in the past and quickly so in a way I am sure it is harder to handle the delay.

When I started my AF in March I hit an all time low - I honestly thought I could not yank myself up again. TBH I started taking a flower remedy for my attitude and emotions and it really helped. When my next AF came around I was a lot calmer mysteriously?

How about instead of thinking month by month - setting yourself a three-month plan? Maybe try to do something to help your body in those 3 months like an alternative therapy, acupuncture, aromatherapy massage or something similar. And then reassess in 3 months not 1 month - so trying to take the pressure off IYKWIM?

Anyway -I am sorry if that all sounds trite and rubbish - feel free to ignore.

I am sending you {{{big hugs}}}

[ash6605]

pmsl at not bothering to use a condom around day 14-you sound just like me!

seriously though,it's not funny at all,it takes over your life.I'm nearing my due date too.2 girls who found out they were expecting at the same time as me are due any day now and i find myself avoiding them.

[jess1996]

Hi feedmenow and ash6605. I am also in the same situation. I had a mmc in February. I got pregnant quite easily (2nd month of properly trying) and I think I handled the mc by thinking to myself that I would just get pregnant again easily. However this is now my 4th month of trying and each time that AF comes around I am getting more distraught. Things are so bad that my GP prescribed anti-depressants, although I decided not to take them for now. What's worse is that my body has not really settled down after the mc. I was charting quite successfully before I got pregnant, but now my temps are really erratic. Also my AFs are still not normal - either excessively long or very short. I have no idea if I am OVing and that just makes the whole situation far worse. I have tried to discuss going back on the pill with my dh, but he doesn't really want to talk about it. We don't have any dc and he is desperate to start a family. He thinks that I'm just too impatient and he says we should see it as a longer-term goal rather than focussing so hard on each month. I think he's probably right, but I can't stop obssessing at the moment. My other problem is that I told friends and family about the mc, so now they now that we are trying and I'm sure they expect me to get pregnant again soon. Also I know so many people who are pregnant at the moment and it's driving me mad! Anyway, I've decided that if this month is not successful, then I'll quit charting and MN and I'll see what happens 'naturally'.

[mistlethrush]

There's a lot of us out there feeling the same. My problem since m/c October is that dh has not been cooperating so no chance - at least you're getting plenty of action by the sound of it, so count yourself lucky!

Ater an earlier m/c I went to a Chinese Medcine practioner - initially for herbs, but when I found out I was pregnant, then for acupuncture. I think that this really helped me - helped get a more regular cycle, made me more calm and less depressed and I think helped me avoid IVF. Ds born 6 years after starting to try - so don't give up too easily.

After my 1st m/c I certainly felt that every third person I passed in the street was pregnant, and it did not help when a very good friend became pregnant with an edd 2 months after my edd...

For us it turned out alright in the end, although rather a long journey to get there. You have to do what feels right for you, but I can comiserate with the ups and downs every month - been there. Still there now at times even though I know there's absolutely no chance that things are going to be different this month.

Probably worrying won't help, but its natural - just very difficult to handle.

Best of luck

[ash6605]

Like Mistlethrush,I tried some herbal tablets from the chinese pharmasist and was pregnant within 2 months of trying-that was after my first mc.
could just be a coincidence but anythings worth a try?! The thought of waiting 6 years though,I don't think I could bear that.my dc's are 3 and 7 and to be honest I'm already aware of the big age gap,and know that if it doesn't happen within a year or so we'll just give up.
jess-I seem to be having the opposite problem to you,my dh is the impatient one and just can't understand why it hasn't happened yet,he keeps wondering if there is something wrong with one of us!

[Impatience]

Hi FMN, so sorry it's getting you down so. I've been weighing up whether to give up too. When I haven't tried I feel so much happier: I can actually think about what the next year might bring without being caught up in whether there might be a baby. I've felt a lot more content when I've not tried. If this has the same effect on you I'd say it would be a brilliant thing to give yourself, not as a super-bluff attempt to get pregnant but as a bit of time for you to enjoy life!

Is there anything else you're into? I've set myself a set of goals for my running that stretch into autumn, that getting pregnant would really get in the way of! So at least I can be really pleased with my running achievements each month I don't conceive. Is there ANY way you can prevent yourself from tracking where you are in your cycle?! Then you can just get on with enjoying having sex and life without any expectations.

I don't really know about such things, but I'd feel inclined to avoid the pill in case it messes up your homones. Although there's always that myth about increased fertility after the pill... any truth in that?

[jabuti]

i see where you are coming from now FMN. i can get quite obssessive about things too. and as others said here, its all about what could you do to control your mind instead of your mind controlling you.

the pill is one alternative for you, since with condom you still could get around it by 'forgetting' to use it.

perhaps taking one step at the time will help you in this situation. first take the pill, and see how you feel about it?

(i wonder why men dont get obssessed about being pregnant, is it our stepmother nature striking?)

[feedmenow]

Thank you all you fabby ladies! For some stupid reason I always thought that other people were so much better at coping with their disappointment...itsd nice to know I'm not alone.
Interestingly, I had a conversation with dp last night cos it seems that he doesn't understand the female body. In the past, I felt that I had made it very clear when the best time was, and always let him know when af had arrived, etc. However, yesterday he suggested nooky that night (for the purpose of ttc) and I pointed out that nooky was fine but no use for ttc cos too late. He didn't seem to realise that past a certian stage (ie ovulation!) there is no chance! So I thought I better find out exactly how much he does know/understand. I asked him the length of the average cycle and he guessed at 15 days! So I got out an old diary, and marked dates with him to show him possible fertile times based on a 28 day cycle/30 day/32 day cycle. It seemed to me that he actually began to get it, and maybe understand how keen I have been to shag at the right times! But that was yesterday....he may have already forgotten by now!!
Anyway, the whole situation has made me re-think a bit. I mean, surely we'll have better odds if he actually knows what is happening when?
I feel quite relieved that we've completely missed the boat this month, cos I know that I can't play the waiting game (well, maybe just a little bit just incase of a "miracle" conception, or a pg from last month that didn't show up, etc )
I think maybe the pill is a bit too harsh, so I'll perhaps try condoms next month and take it from there.
Thank you all for being so wonderful.

[duchesse]

I am definitely there too. Later this month, it will be 48 months since I came off contraception. I will be 40 in January, and think it is probably time to call it a day.

[feedmenow]

Oh duchesse! I hate to hear you say that......poor you and your lovely camel!
My few months is nothing in comparison to how long you have been trying. I know that this sort of thing isn't a competition, but it does put it in perspective a little for me.

[mistlethrush]

Ds arrived 6 years after starting ttc - then 36, and several friends have had children aged 40/41. We waited so long that I got to the top of the NHS list twice - the second time, got pregnant with ds so that +ve test 4 days before appointment to set the date for IVF to actually start. I think that I had resigned myself to having to go down this route and so there was no 'pressure' on ttc naturally - so complete shock that it happened.

Duchesse - so sorry you feel like that, but perhaps giving up pressurising yourself thinking it might happen might do the trick? I know this is really difficult - I've been there myself.

I also have a friend who gave up trying and has adopted and is now very happy - certainly a route that we would have gone down if ds had not come along and things had gone wrong again.

Fmn - deffinitely not alone, I'm sure that there are a lot of people out there like us.

[jabuti]

thats good news FMW, condom is definitely more gentle than taking the pill.

i wont sigh and say 'men...' but boy oh boy, that obliviousness must be the answer why they are more relaxed than women when ttc.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Feedmenow,

You have made a mistake that a lot of people make. Rigourous timing of intercourse is a very bad idea. A person can ovulate earlier, later OR not at all in any given cycle; it is certainly not true that all women ovulate on or around the 14th day.

I would say to you to make love when you BOTH feel like it, it will take the pressure off both of you that way.

Have either of you had any initial tests done like blood test for you (your hormone levels may be awry and this would affect ovulation) or semen analysis for him?. Your GP may well suggest this.

I would not either take a break or stop actively trying. Instead I would take the third option of taking the pressure off yourself by thinking, "oh its the right time now" and seeking medical advice.

[feedmenow]

Atilla, will they not just say it is way too soon to start worrying?
Although interestingly I saw my gp earlier this week about abdominal pains I have been having since mc, and I have to go back next week for some swabs and stuff. Perhaps I will speak to the gp then......

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Many gynaes do like to see people after a year of trying (six months if over the age of 35) but if there are issues like severe pains, heaviness of periods and or irregularity of periods then such women should be flagged up sooner.

Would have to say that swabs, blood tests and ultrasounds will not pick up endo if its there - its usually diagnosed through a keyhole surgery op called a laparoscopy.

Good luck next week, will look out for your postings.

[torres]

Hello FMN, I had a missed mc (my first pg) in Feb at 11 weeks and have been having odd abdominal pains since too. They start mid cycle and are really painful- a sharp knife like pain accompanied with AF like cramps. Is this anything like your pains? I had hoped my womb would have healed by now and so I'm wondering what it is. Good luck with the GP and let us know how you get on.

Attila- your comments are really interesting. Is endometriosis something you can develop after an ERPC?

[jess1996]

I had a lot of abdominal pains after my mmc. Three weeks after the mc I had really severe pains for about 3 hrs. I went back to the hospital and was told it was an infection. I'm not sure about that as I wouldn't have though an infection would cause severe pain which was sudden onset and then improved before taking antibiotics.

Then for a couple of months I had a dull ache in my pelvis and a feeling of pressure. It was particularly noticeable when I stood up or sat down. The doctors just said to give it time. Looking back it was probably good advice as it has now completely cleared up.

Hope things improve for you FMN and torres.

[feedmenow]

Doesn't really sound the same Torres. I've been getting a variety of pains, sometimes on the left, sometimes the right and sometimes in the liddle. They often feel like they are going down the front of my leg, like a sciatica type pain. The other thing is, I've had a really odd pain a few times that felt momentarily unbearable, lasting long enough for me to clock in my mind that if it lasted more than a moment I would be in agony. But it's really hard to describe what type of pain it is when it comes and goes so quickly.
To top it all off, I now have something else going on too. After my appt on Monday I was fine, but the next day developed what I thought was thrush. Have been using canesten cream and took one of the oral canestan tablets on Thurs. Packet said it should clear up in 48 hours but it is still there. So I now think I have BV again (something I had when pg and possible cause of early m/c. I have no idea if GP's swabs tomorrow will be able to pick up anything else if I already have discharge from BV....? Any ideas Atilla?

[feedmenow]

Atilla, are you around? My gp did swaps but says everything looks normal. Have an u'sound booked for 30th June (a Saturday FGS!). She said that if swaps & u/s come back clear then that would rule out anything gynae. No mention of endo........ Also, I asked how long I would have to be trying for before taking things further and she said that sub-fertility used to be considered after 12 months, but they now are saying 24 months! She says that having conceived before with no problems then I have nothing to worry about and to "try to relax"!!!!!

[PoppyField]

Hi FMN,

This is my first message on Mumsnet, but I thought I would reply to yours because I too felt like giving up - or it felt like my body had given up last year. Taking a break is also a very hard thing to do, but it may be a very good thing to do. As always, you never really know what makes a difference, but depending on your age, it might be worth concentrating a little on yourself and your wellbeing instead of the disappointment every month. If taking contraception allows to you take your focus off TTC and onto ways of helping your state of mind or your own health, then it would be a very good thing. Feeling like a failure is the worst possible agony. This may not go away while you take a break, but you may be able to examine your feelings and let them out a bit!

My other half really wanted me to take a break from fertility treatments - 6 months originally. He hated the idea of me injecting myself with drugs and taking hormones over 4 different treatment cycles. I don't think he recognised how it was leaving me emotionally, but neither did I. I had gaily thought that I was able to be detached about the treatments and that I wasn't affected by the drugs etc. What I had managed to paper over was the trauma of a bungled egg collection that we faced during our first IVF, the trauma of a miscarriage at 12 weeks while I was on holiday in the Canaries and the trauma of having got myself a new job that I hated!

I agreed we should take a break from the treatments - it was just before my 40th birthday, so it felt very risky for me to do this. We agreed I would concentrate on being as healthy as possible - maybe lose some weight, but with more emphasis on getting fitter - before trying again. I also chucked the high-earning but awful job with his support, with the aim of going freelance, after a 'few months off'.

It turned out to be very difficult to come off the assisted conception bandwagon. At least when you're doing it you feel like you are 'doing something'. Without it, there is no map to refer to. Sometimes me and DH were pulling in totally different directions and that was distressing. You have to let go of the idea that you are perfectly in unison on this issue and that you both move forward in step. This does not happen! It was a series of pulling away, conflict and coming together and sometimes a total clash of values.

In the end it was almost a year before I tried any more fertility treatment. We didn't use contraception and I went 'alternative' - which was not something he expected and was a definite point of controversy. So we found we disagreed about 'ways to get healthy'. I found a sympathetic 'women's health' acupuncturist and found myself weeping on her for half the session most weeks. I took shed-loads of vitamins according to the Foresight recipe. I also went to see a hypnotherapist who specialised in fertility - wept a lot there as well. Funnily enough I couldn't even start the process of selling myself on a freelance basis because my confidence was so low. Even so, I was almost insulted when the hypnotherapist suggested that I might be, um, depressed!

I lost heart. I lost the will to fight and to keep searching. At the end of that year I went into psychotherapy, which is what I needed from the start - and spent a lot of time being emotional and weeping and doing all the things I had kept rigidly under control for the previous four years. What I found out was that I was grief-stricken, desperately wanting a child, heartbroken that we couldn't make one and hateful at other people's lack of consideration.

God I needed help! I am thankful that I managed to put my hand out for help just as I was getting sucked under. Even if it wasn't quite acupuncture or hypnotherapy that I needed, these practitioners listened to me and cared for me and gently helped me find ways to cope. I know am lucky that I have the money to use the sort of help you have to pay for...and a supportive DH who, despite not having any truck with therapists, managed to accept my need to seek their help.

To sum up, I am now 5 months pregnant after a new course of IVF at a different hospital that treated me a lot better. There is no logic you can apply to it and no telling if it would have worked had I gone there two years ago. I haven't enjoyed not being a high-achiever work-wise, as well as womb-wise, because I was so hard-wired that 'failure is not an option'. Unfortunately failure at getting pregnant is all too real an option, and my brain nearly blew up as a result of having to compute this.

What's my advice? Find a way of giving yourself some space and concentrate on your health - eat nice food, pretty much give up drinking, don't see people that upset you - and take up running or similar exercise (the challenge and the pain involved in achieving small goals i.e. 'next time I will get to reach lampost before collapsing') will give you something else to think about.

I think it is really positive that you understand that you are miserable - something it took me far to long to admit even to myself. It is also good that you are on these boards getting support. Finding 'alternative' help really helped me re-evaluate my life and value myself more. I would recommend it - there is only so much partners can do. It is very easy to lose yourself in this game. My advice is 'Don't give up, re-focus and most importantly TAKE REAL CARE OF YOURSELF'. Hope this helps,

best wishes

Poppy

p.s. I will be 42 when my baby is born.