Boyfriend making us wait

(19 Posts)
Bee91 Fri 18-Nov-16 00:53:05

Bit of background 😀
I've been with my OH for 8 years, we've bought a house together this year and I am ready for the next step.

To be completely honest I have been ready for the past two years.

It's now come to the point where all I can think about is having a baby of our own. He wants to wait until he's finished his exams which is fair enough but he found out he failed on of them and can't retake until February- I know it's only a few months but now it just feels like an excuse to not start trying.

We don't know how long it might take to ttc and he'll be all done with exams by august which would be the absolute minimum due date.

I feel so disappointed in everything, it's making me feel completely fed up at home and at work, all I can think about is having a baby. Everything he does is just irritating me. I am hating having pregnant colleagues around me, everything baby or even family related is making me upset and he won't even acknowledge how I am feeling, I'm sure he thinks if he ignores it it will go away.
I've tried occupying more of my time I've started going to the gym at least once a week and I started a top up to degree course (I'm a nurse) but right now I can't even concentrate on that , all my head wants to think about is babies :'(

NapQueen Fri 18-Nov-16 00:55:44

Is he using the exams asan excuse?

Is he the kind to fail them on puroose to delay?

Butterymuffin Fri 18-Nov-16 01:06:28

How old are you?

Are you certain he definitely wants kids?

Bee91 Fri 18-Nov-16 01:11:17

We are both 25, I don't think he'd fail on purpose but he had previously said we could start trying in December. And now it's November and he's saying at least another 6months

I just don't know how to contain all my feelings until then

Butterymuffin Fri 18-Nov-16 01:15:58

Well, on the bright side, at least there's no need to panic on the age front. I think you need a talk about the importance of this to you. Does he realise that while you could get lucky the first month, it's also possible it could take a good while longer?

What are his reasons for wanting to wait till then? You could suggest waiting till Jan or Feb as a compromise so that he will definitely get exams done before a baby could arrive.

Cuppaqueen Sat 19-Nov-16 15:24:58

Hi OP, I sympathise but reading your post, it's hard to get a sense of what your oh is really feeling. Maybe you need to sit down with him and ask him to be 100% honest with you about his feelings on having a baby. You're obviously ready, but is he? Make sure he's not just telling you what he thinks you want to hear. Sometimes our partners don't want to say no to something we obviously want, so they just find plausible reasons to delay. Maybe he wants to get his exams/ career fully established first. Maybe he even would prefer to wait a few more years and just enjoy child-free life a while longer. And if he does feel that way, it's totally reasonable: you might need to wait a bit more. It's so important for both parents to feel committed and excited about having a baby.

bibbitybobbityyhat Sat 19-Nov-16 15:27:13

Are you sure you're ready for a baby? You come across as rather immature.

NewlySkinnyMe Sat 19-Nov-16 15:29:28

Pregnancy is pretty tough. You will most likely not enjoy the process and it's good he wants to wait til he has the time to commit to helping you through it. Seems sensible. Why would you want a baby with someone who isn't ready. You have plenty of time

MouseLove Sat 19-Nov-16 15:57:49

Personally it doesn't sound like you are ready. You would want to wait for the exams if you were. It's such a short time to wait for you to BOTH be ready. Having a baby is a partnership, it's not a time to be selfish. I have been ready for a baby for 8 years. My husband hasn't. Which means WE haven't. Please, stop, think rationally and wait.

Hellmouth Sat 19-Nov-16 16:03:00

A lot of people might say 25 is young to start thinking about kids, maybe your OH is just not ready; you need to have a proper discussion with him and come to terms with what he wants. Kids are a massive responsibility, and you've already had one big milestone this year.

BertieBotts Sat 19-Nov-16 17:26:42

I don't think OP sounds unready or immature, and you wouldn't be advising her that 9 months is a short time to wait if she was over 30.

I think you need to speak to him, for sure. Some men keep on delaying and delaying and delaying, and eventually it turns out that they didn't want a baby at all. Devastating, but better to find out at 25 when time is on your side than 35 when it is not.

If he can explain why he thinks he'll be ready after the exams and/or you don't keep getting the same thing coming up time after time (when it's not exams, it's jobhunting, then it's we need to have savings, then it's this, that, etc... in reality there's never a perfect time to have a baby) it can make sense to wait, just make sure you are on the same page and not reading a totally different book.

Are you married? Perhaps he's waiting to propose?

Butterymuffin Sun 20-Nov-16 01:07:18

I don't think OP sounds immature either. I think that once she said her age, people jumped on that to have a pop. Nice. hmm
Bertie makes sense.

dangle90 Sun 20-Nov-16 09:00:55

This it's awful for people to be calling OP immature. Surely on this group we all know that feeling of wanting a baby and it been all we can think about, and the thought of waiting longer kills you! Hope you manage to speak to your OH and work something out that your both happy with xx

katand2kits Sun 20-Nov-16 09:21:19

25 is younger than average for having kids, especially for men. He doesn't want a baby right now, its as simple as that. It is reasonable to have honest discussions about the future of your relationship, but not to pester your partner about becoming a parent before he wants too. Maybe he wants to be more secure in his career first?

MouseLove Sun 20-Nov-16 19:09:33

If I'm honest I didn't even read her age. As I skipped to the bit about exams and not waiting for a pass in August. Which is 9 months away. I assumed they were older. I'm almost 33 and put off TTC for a year (again) because we had to wait for something to be completed in our house. It wasn't the right time. For us BOTH. I don't think it's unfair to put your OH and his exams first for another few months and they you have the rest of your life to look forward to when you can really fully focus on TTC as I'm guessing your OH will be VERY stressed with failing this time.

oatybiscuits Sun 20-Nov-16 23:05:14

It is hard to have to wait to start trying but realistically it's what most people have to do. I definitely agree with having an honest chat with your op about how you're feeling but if you're on the same page after that drop the subject altogether. Get yourself physically fit to be pregnant,do stuff like your degree that will be much harder with a baby around, keep yourself busy while quietly preparing to ttc. If you both want to have babies together you have to respect his word on what he's ready for. I was ready long before dh but the thing I kept reminding myself was I knew he'd be a great dad when he was ready (he is!) but if he was pushed into it he'd be forever resentful.

Bee91 Fri 25-Nov-16 08:18:09

Thanks for all the replies,
I know we have to wait I'm not stupid, but what I trying to get across is about how do I manage the waiting.
I have never experienced feelings like this, stupid thing set me off feeling sad and annoyed.
I've tried using distractions like joining the gym and topping up to degree but it's not really helped.
We did have a talk and he say he does want children, just not yet.

BertieBotts Fri 25-Nov-16 09:40:39

What helps with waiting IME is having some kind of purpose to the waiting. So use the time to get something ready which will help when you do have children. Whether that's throwing yourself into career development, planning a wedding, improving your health, planning the trip of a lifetime etc. Give yourself a project to focus on instead. And maybe get a timescale set down with him.

DrRBannerx Fri 25-Nov-16 09:52:18

Op don't worry about people calling you immature, it's so rude and uncalled for.
I understand you completely, I am 24 with a daughter and ttc my second, with two mc at the moment. If you know it's what you want then it's not for anybody to tell you different, you didn't ask for their opinion on the age you want to start a family.
I feel frustrated for you that he is putting it off, and personally id be in two minds weather he was just putting it off or he actually wants to wait. I know how it feels for it to be all you want, and if you're like me, it's all I'm interested in. I hope you're feeling okay and not taking the comments to heart x

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