Unreasonable disappointment - period arrived

(51 Posts)
KirstyinNorway Wed 26-Oct-16 13:17:33

Expecting to get roasted here, but I'm feeling a bit fragile so please try to be kind (while maybe injecting me with some sense because I know I'm being stupid).

I have wanted to be a Mum since I can remember. When I married DH I knew he wanted kids too, and we planned to enjoy our new marriage for 18 months and then start trying (that would have been this coming December).

We ended up just getting a bit excited and started trying last month, and today I have started my period (I don't think I'm "implantation spotting", it's too heavy and I took a test just in case and got a negative).

I know I'm being stupid, many couples have to try for ages, I'm moaning when some people have real fertility issues and I've only tried for one cycle, the average couple has to try for 6-12 months, etc.

I think I had unrealistic expectations as 4 friends became instantly pregnant(!) with 2 conceiving on their first month, and 2 conceiving while using the pill.

We haven't told anyone we're trying and I feel like I can't tell anyone that I'm disappointed. Stupid, yes. Unreasonable, yes. Still real emotion though.

Anyway. Thank you for reading if you got this far - it just feels quite nice to get it off my chest smile

KirstyinNorway Wed 26-Oct-16 13:19:48

P.s. I've done everything the NHS suggests for a good chance of conception: regular sex (that's been good fun!), low caffeine intake, no booze.

MrsG280516 Wed 26-Oct-16 13:27:15

Its completely normal to be disappointed. I'm only on my first cycle too and I'm sure I'll be quite upset if I get my period in 2 weeks time. So its completely understandable.

Just try not to compare yourself to others, for every one person that falls pregnant on the first go there's another who takes a little longer.

KirstyinNorway Wed 26-Oct-16 13:34:53

MrsG280516
You have no idea how much your kind words helped there. I think I maybe needed to be told it's Ok to be disappointed even on the first cycle (I didn't even know that's what I wanted to be told).

Wishing you the best of luck on your journey! smile

ohmygodyouguys Wed 26-Oct-16 13:39:26

Been there. Not TTC yet but came off pill a few months ago in preparation (hopefully start trying next year) and I went about 6 weeks without a period. Took a test just to see but it was negative and I was a bit disappointed. It sounds like you're doing everything right, talk to your husband about how you're feeling and fingers crossed for a positive in the not too distant future!

ShatterResistant Wed 26-Oct-16 13:40:44

It's ok to be disappointed. I don't know how old you are, but I felt, as a professional woman in her mid-thirties, that I should just be able to HAVE a baby, like I'd always HAD things before, iyswim. It's hard to realise you just have to wait for it to happen. FWIW, it took us 9 months to conceive our first. We now have 2 amazing children, but I wish wish wish I had enjoyed that time a bit more, rather than starting to worry and be disappointed straight away. Good luck!

ShatterResistant Wed 26-Oct-16 13:42:20

P.s. 9 months for the first, first try for the second! Be careful what you wish for!

florafoxtrot Wed 26-Oct-16 14:10:51

I'm on month 4 and it is really tough on the day that your period arrives but all that you can do is have a large glass of wine/slab of chocolate and look forwards to the next cycle. Period hormones play a huge part in the disappointment and I promise you'll feel better again in a few days - which is just in time to start the plenty sex phase again! Most couples will conceive within a year - and know that seems like a lifetime - it does to me anyway! But the last few months have passed quite quickly and the disappointment lessens.
I also suspect that people lie about how quickly they fall. Might be being cynical but if you look at the actual statistics you might feel a bit suspicious too! Not sure why people would do so but I'm just not convinced by anyone anymore!

KirstyinNorway Wed 26-Oct-16 14:27:41

ohmygodyouguys
Thank you very much - DH is a wonderful man, but ever so practical whereas I'm often overly emotional. He handles me so well but will occasionally just state the obvious ("but it's only the first month!") without realising that even though I'm irrational, I'm also upset! If I point it out, he feels terrible for not helping, poor soul! So your words have also really helped. I'm sorry you were also disappointed, and wishing you lots of luck once you begin TTC smile

ShatterResistant
Thank you for saying what I didn't really want to - I feel that so far in life, I have been lucky enough/worked hard enough to get what I want. This feels difficult because I can't fully control it and I had these silly expectations. I shall try and enjoy it as you say (this is probably TMI but DH have been enjoying putting a cross on the calendar for any days we had sex, became like a funny sort of competition)! Congratulations to you on your two, your P.S. made me laugh grin

KirstyinNorway Wed 26-Oct-16 14:31:57

florafoxtrot
Gosh you must be a mind reader. Was just thinking that a large glass of wine would be in order, perhaps tomorrow once I'm sure this is my period and not implantation spotting (why am I holding onto this irrational hope?!)

Hadn't thought about period hormones playing a part, that's a really good point.

Glad to hear it does get a bit easier with time, and I very much hope you've not got long to wait yourself.

smile

haveacupoftea Wed 26-Oct-16 18:15:47

I found the first couple of months the hardest as my hopes were so high, and the disappointment so knew and fresh. Its a bit of a blow to the ego, too! But you will get used to taking it a month at a time, and i'm sure within a few cycles you'll get your BFP.

KirstyinNorway Wed 26-Oct-16 18:53:08

Thank you haveacupoftea. It is so good to learn that I'm not alone or have been judged for being irrationally disappointed with my first cycle BFN. Thank you for the positivity.

I had a little cry when DH came home while I read out all your nice responses and he was shocked I was so affected. He went out and bought me a bottle of wine and plonked our house rabbits on the sofa with me while I had a small medium absolutely ginormous glass.

P.S. Have you changed your name from 'cuppa' after that thread?! blush

Dixiechick1991 Wed 26-Oct-16 20:13:50

I feel like I could have written this! I'm only into cycle 2 now. When I got AF last month (4 days late) I was so disappointed. Even my DH said he was a little sad too (and he's been super cool and calm and not fussed the whole time)
I think I feel more disappointed because we've got a lot of people asking us "ohh when are you having babies" and it makes me sad to just say "ohh I don't know" when in reality were trying but it hasn't happened straight away like I wanted to!
Oh well! Well just keep on having to have fun 😉

KirstyinNorway Wed 26-Oct-16 20:41:49

Oh gosh Dixie, me too. As soon as you've been married a few months, it starts! And all I want to say is "YES! I'm pregnant right now!" And instead I say "Oh, that would be wonderful at some point".

I don't think people realise that it stings a bit.

It's got worse since I stopped drinking and cutting down on caffeine as I've had friends do the head-tilt-raised-eyebrow, as they are putting pieces together (and I guess assuming I'm pregnant already rather than just trying).

DH admitted to being a bit sad too, although I think his expectations are lower. We both have a horrible fear - completely unfounded - that we won't be able to have kids. For me, that has made my first negative worse, whereas he feels like he was expecting it I think. What a pair we are!

Good luck to you and your DH. Feel free to inbox me if you want to chat at any point.

KirstyinNorway Wed 26-Oct-16 20:43:18

P.S. I say unfounded fear as neither of our parents struggled and I'm only 27. Neither of us have health issues. I think the fear has sprouted from us both wanting it so much!

washingsomuchwashing Wed 26-Oct-16 20:45:24

I well and truly lost the plot today. Negative on CB at 10 dpi, tried an IC, scrutinised an invisible line then realised it was an opk. Made myself leave the house at that point!

Dixiechick1991 Wed 26-Oct-16 20:54:42

Yes, my DH is a massive worrier about everything and I'm always the calm, cool and collected one. But my one fear is that for some reason or another we can't have children, it makes me tear up every time I think about it.
Which is why waking up to AF after being late was so disappointing.

I just want to shout at people. Stop asking me if I'm pregnant or telling me I should be pregnant! I'm only 25, really they shouldn't be pestering me already. I should be pestering myself !

KirstyinNorway Wed 26-Oct-16 21:06:17

washingsomuchwashing
I'm so sorry for being a bit thick a newbie, but can you spell out CB and IC for me? I'm sure I'll get it in the end but those ones aren't on the MN acronym list. I'm sorry you've had a hard day though. Virtual hugs from Norway!

How long have you been married Dixie? It doesn't seem to matter your age... DH and I have been together 8 years and the questions were all about marriage to begin with, then we had a (very brief) pause and then on to questions about babies. Why is it suddenly OK to ask about my sex life now we're married? Sometimes I respond by asking them if they prefer doggy or missionary, then when they look shocked I apologise and explain that I thought we were asking intimate questions about each others' sex life grin

Dixiechick1991 Wed 26-Oct-16 21:14:33

Hahaha well that's one way to shut them up!! We've only been married 4 months but we've been together almost 10 years so people have been pestering us for a long time. A couple of years ago it was when are you getting married, now when are you having kids, what happens after that?!

washingsomuchwashing Wed 26-Oct-16 21:14:45

Clear Blue (CB) and internet cheapie (IC).

KirstyinNorway Wed 26-Oct-16 21:37:36

Dixie I can only imagine its shared grave sites? I dread to think!

Thanks washingsomuchwashing, what a bathroom session that would have been for you! Good plan on getting out of the house. I work from home and sometimes I go to my local shop to buy milk I don't need if I'm having a day like that (before now it would have been non-pregnancy related)! confused

Spam88 Wed 26-Oct-16 22:03:18

It is so hard flowers

It took us 3 cycles to conceive (but more than 3 months because DH is away half the time for work) but it's mad to think that means there were only two unsuccessful months confused I was so disappointed each time my period came, and the doubts that maybe something is wrong with one of you even though you know you're being silly and it's not unreasonable for it to take up to a year.

I tried to see the positive side of getting my period though - i.e. I could drink my body weight in wine before trying again in a week.

sarahboro1 Wed 26-Oct-16 22:13:49

Hi ladies, I'm new here too, TTC for 8 mths now and each time I feel a little more hope trickling out of me ☹️ Never thought I'd feel like this, obviously thought I'd conceive straight away!! Really starting to think we won't conceive without some sort of intervention.

ScottishLady7 Thu 27-Oct-16 00:12:25

Hi lovely ladies!
We are now a year down the line TTC #1 and the way I found it was that the first 4 or 5 months were brutal in terms of the crushing disappointment. Then, for me at least, self preservation kicked in and I didn't expect it to happen so I wasn't so upset.

Now we have hit the one year mark, the disappointment is ten-fold.

If it doesn't happen this month then I'm going to have to tap back into the self-preservation banks to get me through the next wee while!

We have been for all the tests and we have been told to just keep pushing on as there is no obvious problem- it has definitely been a comfort knowing that there is no clear reason for the delay and that it most likely will happen, with time.

Apologies if this had made the prospect waiting, month by month, more daunting. I suspect however that the fact you are here and asking for advice means that you are reasonably similar to myself in how this process has begun to affect you.

Please, please try not to let the disappointment devastate you every month. Allow a bit of healthy scepticism in while you are evaluating all of your perceived early pregnancy symptoms to help protect you from the potential hurt.

You will be no less delighted when you do (*hopefully soon!*) get your BFP but, if it takes a bit longer than you'd like, at least you won't find the process more painful than it needs to be.

Clearly speaking from very personal experience! Sorry if I have bummed you out but I can assure you that I remain ever hopeful that this is the month..! (--I also have a bottle of wine in the fridge for DH and I to enjoy together if it's not--)

Good luck!

ScottishLady7 Thu 27-Oct-16 00:12:51

Good grief.

Sorry for the essay...

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