Hi, I've joined because I don't really know who to talk to.
On the outside I have everything. Great fiancé. Great job. Great house. Great family. But I'm so sad and I hate to say it out loud, in fact to even write it down, because it sounds so ungrateful (it's taken me 2 days to pluck up the courage to send this since writing it!) But what I want, what I really really want, Is a baby.
But we can't. Not yet anyway. We said we would wait for our wedding first. Which is booked for July next year. But it feels so far away. And when I do 'the baby maths' the timescales scare me. Just shy of a year to the wedding. Then a year to get pregnant (based on what I've read!) then 9 months whilst it's cooking! That's nearly 3 years! If we are even lucky enough to conceive ( there are reasons I might struggle and neither if us are in our twenties anymore!)
It was all fine. I was delighted last year when we got engaged but now I'm frustrated, it's like a switch has gone off in my head and I can't turn it off again. Of course in the meantime 2 friends have had babies and my sister has just announced she's due in April! Im happy but jealous too. Jealous because this pain is also my doing. Caused through my idealism about 'the order ' I should do things and now I'm trapped in my own plan. And gosh it almost hurts. It consumes me every day. (Example: i have a great career but recently I have to fight with myself to go to work, because all I can think is what's the point?)
I don't want to be ungrateful. I want to get married. I want to be an aunt. I want the life I have and the future we have planned. And this is why I can't talk to anyone about it. I have talked to my fiancé and he hears what I'm saying. But I don't think he gets the uncontrollable urge. And he thinks by August next year we'll be pregnant and that's it.
And no. We can't move the wedding date. Or at least not with out losing huge sums of money that we can't afford to replace later on.
So I'm here to ask did anyone else have something similar? And how did you manage to control the deep ache in your chest?
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Conception
We have to wait...
anonNorth85 · 24/10/2016 10:30
It does sound like it's really affecting you, and you're in a dark place. Could I gently suggest maybe talking to someone about your feelings, perhaps some CBT counselling? I've had this before and it's very good.
If it really is distressing you to the point where you're just not enjoying your life, could you talk to your fiance and explain how you are feeling? I know sometimes men aren't great at taking it on board - my DH was just like 'what are you stressing for, it'll be fine, you're being daft!' But if you're not looking forward to your wedding, that's not a good sign. I know you say there'll be loss of money involved if it's cancelled, but is there anyway it could be brought forward? Or even postponed?
Finally, I look at people planning their weddings now, and I want to (and often do) say - enjoy it because once you do have a baby, life changes so completely that it can blindside you. My DD is now 16 months, and me and DH are only just picking up our relationship again. It's been amazing, but very difficult.
That's not me saying get a grip btw or dismissing your very real and valid feelings. Just something I wish I'd been able to say to myself whilst I was having these worries!
Take care 
I found the waiting hard, we were not trying but not taking precautions either for quite a while and I felt a bit like I was in limbo. When DH proposed I had the venue booked in about 2 weeks and we were married about 9 months after the proposal! I moved quick! It felt really weird going back on contraception for a few months but I realised just after booking the venue that it was possible I'd find out I was pregnant that month and as I say the date was almost exactly 9 months away 
I wasn't that month thank god but we did resume trying before the wedding.
Now I'm glad I didn't conceive until after the wedding, I assumed I'd be fine in early pregnancy so other than not drinking it wouldn't affect the day if it happened... As it turned out for the first few months of pregnancy I felt crap and was throwing up so much the doctor put me on anti-emetics to stop me tearing my throat up and vomiting blood. Possibly not what you want on your wedding day!!!
So I get that waiting on something you so desperately want but can't put an exact timescale on is really surprisingly hard. But I think you are right to wait, focus on the wedding for now. I also found saving for the baby really helped, I think I turned into some sort of demented squirrel raiding any spare change in the house and hiding notes between the leaves of my favourite childhood book... I know it would have been more rational to just set up an account but something about actually having the money right there that I could touch made me feel like I had something real that I was doing towards the baby dream!
I also know what you mean about the 9 month wait even after you manage to conceive feeling like a very very long time. Well as soon as I knew I was pregnant the impatient bit of the broodiness just melted away and whilst yes I can't wait to meet my baby (or more to the point get the actually being pregnant bit over and done with) I don't feel like I did before I conceived, the almost desperate longing has gone now, possibly due to hormones?
I hope you have a lovely wedding and a honeymoon baby!
I understand the feeling of being so broody it hurts. One thing to remember is that feeling comes and goes so in a couple of months time you might not feel the longing just as desperately as you do now. Christmas makes it harder.
Sites like mumsnet, whilst you are very welcome, aren't always the best idea before you start trying as you can get really sucked into the whole ttc thing and get a bit obsessed. Get yourself on a wedding forum and chat about the amazing wedding you are going to have 
That's a good idea! And I truth is never been on here before and haven't looked at anything else for that purpose. I have enough baby stuff going on elsewhere!
I really appreciate the comments though. Oh and I talked to the fiancé too and agreed some timescales.
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The feeling never really goes away but you can refocus. Have your wedding. The perfect day and ENJOY the buildup. It's such a special time that I loved it being just me and DH. I have been married 8 years. We've wanted children since the very beginning 13 years ago but we've not been in the right situation. While I'm probably aching to be a mum and for my DH to be the most amazing daddy I know he will be I wouldn't swap that for the amazing times we've had as husband and wife. We've had wonderful holidays, have amazing stories to tell and have learnt so much about one another. Please, please don't put times on things, enjoy life, what will be will be.
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