Worries about MIL ruining having child

(14 Posts)
user1474128210 Sat 17-Sep-16 17:28:09

Hi feeling a bit like I want to share experiences and see if anyone else has this problem. Basically we are ttc at the moment but I have the feeling that my MIL is going to ruin pregnancy for me and become worse when baby comes. She's very passive aggressive - we live quiet far away so see her about once a month but she would want it to be more often if we had a child. We have never married because of her behaviour, knowing she would ruin it. Basically she is rude, everything revolves around her needs and feelings, she 'attacks' people and their character etc for fun and discussion, she says different things and opinions depending on the company and so is completely unpredictable. Couple of examples - She has once taken a load of my clothes to wash (I didn't know or ask) and they came back shredded -she said it was the washing machine, she cooked me a different meal to everyone else because she ran out (I am not as fussy with food as others) and I just happened to get food poisoning, she told me I was to talkative so I tried to just be polite and engaged and she said I am rude and dont want to visit....

Anyway my partner and I have observed her critical behaviour of our lives and her desperation to have a baby to keep up with her grandma friends (she hates baby's btw) and I just know it's going to get worse. I can't talk to her -it's been 7 years trying - is there anything I can do but avoid them ? As the baby grows I know factually she will try to poison them against me because she has for older grandchildren..... And she will basically bully my child. Help! (Sorry bit of rant)

KitKat1985 Sat 17-Sep-16 17:41:45

Well you can't run your life by your MIL's behaviour. I would say your best bet is to tell her as little as possible about the pregnancy and baby when the time comes, and have clear boundaries from the start about what you expect from her and her frequency of visiting.

Dozer Sat 17-Sep-16 17:46:48

The main issue is how your DP deals with her: if he "gets" that she's toxic and can set boundaries, and stick to them, that's better.

If you have DC marriage and plan to work PT or SAH then marriage would be sensible for your economic security: don't let MIL dictate your plans!

Dozer Sat 17-Sep-16 17:48:00

Why do you see her so much when she's so difficult and lives so far away?

Sounds like she should not have unsupervised access to your DC: would your DP be OK with that?

LolaStarr Sat 17-Sep-16 17:51:50

Oh god she sounds awful, poor you! I think the only way to deal with her is to stick up for yourself and let her know you won't be bullied!

Seeyouontheotherside Sat 17-Sep-16 17:51:50

She shredded your clothes, gave you food poisoning and is generally nasty towards you. Why do you tolerate seeing her? Why does your DP allow her to treat you like this. Don't have a baby with him for as long as she is part of the deal because by the sounds of it she could do a lot worse than ruin your experience of motherhood.

user1474128210 Sat 17-Sep-16 18:15:25

Hi, All good points- my partner is aware and very embarrassed of his mothers behaviour. He has tried to defend me but is the subject to similar behaviour himself and so will not go unless I encourage him too anyway. She is a very emotionally manipulative woman. I guess because he lost his dad I can see how that has made a hole in his life leaving him desperate to have the relationship with his family. I don't want him to not see his family because of me. I guess I also wanted a child to be loved and nurtured by all grandparents like I was as a child but I know I am not being realistic.

I would never leave any child with her, my partner agrees with this.

I have tried to talk to her about her behaviour but she just cried and then wouldnt talk to my partner for months without referring to my behaviour.

I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that it's her problem and I will just do what suits me. But I guess I am feeling guilty about considering not giving all family equal access to us and one day our family. My family visit regularly and love my partner as one of the family.

user1474128210 Sat 17-Sep-16 18:22:51

Does anyone else have to put up with anything similar ?

BoBo90 Sat 17-Sep-16 19:18:08

I wouldn't put up with that! I'm sorry but why even go and see someone who physically harmed you by givin you food poisoning. She is not safe to be around any child and I sure as hell would not let her near mine. Whether my dh wanted to or not that woman would be banned from my child.

Your child would be better off not knowing them and by the sounds of it they will have other grandparents to have a bid with 😊

Ignore all other factors and just think about whether your child will benefit from seeing her xx

BoBo90 Sat 17-Sep-16 19:19:36

*bond

physicskate Sat 17-Sep-16 19:23:47

My mother is the same. I moved countries to get away from her toxicity. Bear in mind you oh has had to deal with it his whole life...

It sounds as if your mil might have narcissistic personality disorder. I highly recommend that you and your partner read the book 'trapped in the mirror' about how to deal with/ how people react to growing up with narcissism.

Have you considered moving or limiting your contact with her further? I now completely control contact with my mother. I love her, but FaceTime often 'cuts out' and I am now in the position where she can only speak to me if she is not horrible. And she knows this. However, growing up with it shaped my personality and therapy has really helped.

physicskate Sat 17-Sep-16 19:29:36

Oh and my sister didn't move and now has a ds and my mum is fantastic with him. It looks good to all her friends and is an ego stroke when people see or hear of her being a good 'gigi' ( she refuses to be called grandma).

You can't let her live your life and dictate your major life choices, but that might take compromises? Elope? Don't leave kid alone with her?

sk1pper Sun 18-Sep-16 16:50:06

I would consider myself a tolerant patient person but I wouldn't deal with this shit.

You should marry your OH, have a baby and don't let her into your lives at all until she learns to behave. I don't think you need to make an effort because she's family. Screw her, get on with your life. Xx

Dozer Mon 19-Sep-16 10:26:01

Don't feel guilty, and read up on Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Your DP might benefit from professional help re his mother.

Lots of people with toxic families/in laws: take a look at the Stately Homes threads on the relationships board!

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