TTC no 2 for older mums

[patkica]

Hi, I am 39 and am ttc no 2. I had ds when I was 36 and got pregnant almost at once. I have heard so many statistics and scare stories that I am starting to think it will never happen again for me. We've only tried for one month and I think I may have had an early m/c so am feeling a bit sad. But I would love to hear from others who are in a similar situation or have been or have advice.

[totsy]

Don't feel sad. early miscarriages are so common. An enormous number of 'pregnancies' are really just 'blighted ovums' where you get placenta and yolk sac but no baby and so miscarry even up to 3 months. Its really not something to make you feel worried or anything. If you're feeling fit and healthy and positive there's no reason at all to think it negatively at all! My aunty tried for YEARS to get pregnant and gave up and adopted 2 boys and then around 40 odd she got pregnant and had 2 girls!!!!
Whenever you hear your brain being negative don't allow yourself to get involved with it.

[totsy]

Just read what I wrote and it looks like I'm telling you off which I'm not!!!! Lots of good luck to and more likely than not it will all be fine xxxxx

[Pobblestoes]

Hi patkica, sorry to hear that you are feeling sad. I've had a similar experience recently and I know it pulls at the heartstrings. Also, more poignant when you are an older mum trying to get pregnant. I'm trying for number two and I know each month is a bit of an emotional roller coaster. I'm 42 and trying for number two, so I have a bit of an idea of what you are going through! I'm stressed at the thought of a second child and whether I'll be able to cope as I'm already feeling quite confined by motherhood but I love it too and can't explain this rather irrational need for a second! It's there though and we're going to keep trying for this year and then reassess. Good luck to you. Try not to listen to the scare stories - there are plenty of success stories out there too!

[patkica]

Thanks totsy and pobblestoes, that does help. I know how commom m/c is, but it's still a bit sad, isn't it. But you're both right, I am trying to keep positive and am reminding myself how lucky we are to have our gorgeous boy. Another one would be a bonus, but I do know what you mean Pobbs about wanting another one in an irrational way. I was as sick as a dog with no. 1, in bed or hospital for 4 months and swore I would never do it again, but now feel I really, really want to. It's mad. Let me know how you go with ttc and PLEASE older mums with advice or good news, do let me know. There's so much contradictory information out there that I don't know what to think.

[Pobblestoes]

Hi again patkica, yes, would love to keep in touch about ttc and please let me know how you are getting on too. I spent the last five months of my pregnancy flat on my back as well and don't know why I want to go through it again ... but I do! Still, you are right, we are blessed to have had no.1 and I guess we've just got to stick with it. It's very demoralising though each mth when nothing happens - it's like your life is temporarily on hold - like being in limbo. One positive story to end on: my 42 yr old friend found out she was pregnant last week and she'd been trying for 7 months.

[BabyChick]

Just catching up, can I join in. Much as I hate to admit it I probably come under the older mum heading now I'm 37. We have a wonderful ds and have been trying for no.2 for over 3 years now.

I too often think that I need to remember me as a person not just a mother, but I cannot get away from the need to have another one and I know ds would be a wonderful brother.

I really try not to think about it but after so long knowing cycle dates becomes second nature so always aware of what could be going on in my body.

AF is due Monday or Tuesday, were are you guys at?

[patkica]

How nice to hear from you both. Have you seen this site: mothersover40.homestead.com/home.html
Some if it is a bit cheesy, but it cheered me up a lot. I find the whole thing really confusing but as my doctor says, think of yourself as an individual and not as a statistic. She claims that as long as I am ovulating and healthy, I should be able to have a healthy baby. This month has been so weird with really strong pregnancy signs which felt just like my last early pregnancy followed by what I think was a m/c and now spotting which I don't ever get. I reckon my mind is playing tricks on me and that's after only 1 month of trying. I can only imagine the ups and downs of three years. On another good note though: a friends of mine just had her first baby at 41 with no trouble at all. It will happen for us too. Are you all tracking ovulation every month?

[sideways]

Hi, I am 40 and ttc no. 2. I was 35 with my first but have now been trying for a year. Really getting impatient with the whole process.

[patkica]

My doctor told me to see her if we don't manage it within six months because I'll be 40 by then (I feel about 30). Have you seen your GP?

[Aloha]

really, I think you need to stop worrying! You have proved you can have a baby by having no.1 and you've been trying for just ONE MONTH! And you seem to think you conceived already (why do you think you had a m/c btw?) And you are ONLY 39. Really, I honestly think you are getting yourself in a panic for no reason. FWIW I had my son at 38 and my dd at 41.

[patkica]

I think I had a m/c because that's what the nurse I saw told me. I was suspicious because I thought it was virtually impossible to conceive so quickly, but she was convinced so that's why I sound a bit hesitant about it. I can see why you think I am over-reacting, but I don't think I am: I'm not overly worried, just thoughtful, curious about other women's experiences and a bit confused by the conflicting infromation out there. BTW, it's more common to have trouble conceiving the second time round than the first.

[Aloha]

It is always possible to conceive quickly. It's quite normal in fact. If you have only been trying for a month that must have been a very early m/c indeed - surely around the time your period was due? Not sure why you think it is more difficult to conceive a second child than to conceive at all, I don't know of any studies that show this. In fact, they show the reverse. That you are more likely to conceive later in life if you have already had a child. Obviously if you have your first child at 38 and then want another three years later, then yes, you will probably be less fertile. Fertility does fall with age, but is hugely individual and the vast majority of 39 year olds who have already concieved will still be fertile. I'll bet you'll be here in the next few months announcing your pregnancy!

[patkica]

The information about 'secondary infertility' came from an NHS site, but of course it is hugely affected by age. The m/c was very early and my period was delayed only by a week or so. Obviously I wasn't devastated by it, but just a bit sad which I think is fair enough and when I went looking for information about it, I came across lots of other stuff that made me a little alarmed. But I do feel confident about conceiving overall, and it's good to hear happy stories and told to get a grip every now and then. It was the nurse/midwife I saw who told me a woman of my age and with my history would normally take about a year to conceive, but let's wait and see.

[Aloha]

If you concieved the first month of trying then that's hugely positive. Please don't believe everything you read in the Mail - I write for it so I know!

I got pregnant superfast at 40 (one attempt only, ladies and gentlemen!). And when the midwife asked how long I'd been trying, I said 'oh, about twenty minutes', and made her blush to her roots!

[patkica]

Thanks for that. As a professional woman and a feminist, I am very aware of how dodgy lots of information about women is ('selfish career women'). That's why it's so hard to find objective information out there: it's either incredibly general so that it can apply to everyone, or so out there that it's hard to take seriously. Glad you did it first time round: I hope we'll be as lucky.

[Blessed2]

Is this thread still running? I'm 40 and I had my first ds at 36. We've been trying for 2.5 yrs. We've been to the fertility clinic and apparently I have a blocked left tube and my dh low sperm count!!!! How we got our ds God only knows! Still I've dec'd to try opks. I haven't tried sooner since they cost so much.

[wishing1]

Well, I am 38 and have been trying for 8 months, I am getting frustrated and scared at all the statistics as well but from reading on here how women 40-43 are getting prego I feel much more relieved. Have you had your fsh, lh, levels tested yet. Mine were in the 2-3 area which completely shocked my doctor because they were so low, by the sound of that I thought I'd be pregnant faster and here we are at month 8. I think you really have to get involved with getting to the doc and my dh wont do a sperm test, he doesn't want to know and wont get it done until it's been a year he says so in the meantime I am feeding him lots of vitamens and such just in case Look at he woman from desperate housewives having twins at 42, there is hope for us

[Blessed2]

I've been the fertility clinic at the womens hospital and have been checked. They said my left tube is blocked but since I've got one ds I decided not to have it unblocked. My eggs are fine. My dh did the sperm test and it was just below the average - but he hasnt persued that further! I think, until I joined Mumsnet I've been pretty ignorant of my body and different things to try. I had seen opks in the shop but they are too expensive! But now, for the very 1st time, im going to buy some of ebay which i wouldnt have done before!

[Blessed2]

What is fsh and lh?

[mmk]

We tried for 12 years before going abroad for treatment. First we went to Spain, (not much good) then to Kiev (best treatment and clinic in the world!) Got pregnant at 43, and also on our last visit, 31 weeks ago!

After years and years of agony, frustration, stress, money, hassle, grief and sadness, we discovered that treatment in the UK is not as good as elsewhere!
We got different opinions from every UK place we went to, so in the end, we just decided to take matters into our own hands.

I feel a bit silly being pregnant at 45, and having a 2 1/2 year old! (but he is totally gorgeous)

[Blessed2]

Congratulations!!! How great! What kind of treatment did you have? IVF? And, i hope you dont mind me asking, how much did it cost? Plus how did you know about treatments in different contries? The consultant at the clinic said, because of my age, there is only about 10-15% chance if we have treatment and he sounded very discouraging when he said it.

[claraq]

Hi
I am 38 and am also trying to concieve No2 - had my first (a daughter) when I had just turned 37, she is now 18 months. We did not have any problems conceiving her, but this time am on 4th month of trying and no luck yet. I don't know why but it just doesn't seem like it is going to happen this time. Silly really when i have not been trying too long! If it doesn't happen I will be happy with what we have (a fantastic, healthy and happy little girl) but I hate being in this limbo of ttc!!
My AF is due in just under a week - I'm sorry I don't know all the lingo but I used a home ovulation kit to make sure we got the dates right but I am still not too hopeful!

[mmk]

I decided to go for egg donation as I'm over 40 (well over 40!)
In Kiev, (best clinic in the world) total cost is I think now £2,300. (IVF is much less, but they are very honest about sucess rates after about 38)about half UK costs, and much, much higher sucess rates.
I started looking abroad because waiting lists and costs are so high in this country, and sucess rates are low. I first looked at the USA, but far too expensive. Then I spent hundreds of hours on the internet, searching international clinics. Interestingly, one of the top London clinics now send patients to the same clinic we went to, but they have to pay a lot more.
It is good that your consultant is honest, all too often people are given the idea that it will be fine. I know dozens of people who have been through 10 or more IVFs,then they turn to egg donation and get pregnant first time.
A lot of clinics here define sucess in their over 40 age group as a pregnancy, not actually in terms of live births. There is often quite a gap in the real figures.

It was good for us, because we wanted a child more than anything in the world. Some can't get their head around the idea, but those that do, have their dreams come true.

[claraq]

MMK
I just read your earlier comments - don't feel silly being pregnant at 45, as 40 is the new 30 that's really not that old!! ;)

[Blessed2]

Thanks mmk! clarq we conceived within 2 months of trying for our first one so we naturally assumed that when ds was about 18 months we would try another (sounds familiar). This ttc stage is lasting a long time! Sometimes I used to want the 'feeling' for another child to go away - but it hasnt.