Ttc after late miscarriage. Let's support each other. X

(46 Posts)
molly29 Tue 30-Aug-16 20:46:09

I was finally pregnant with my third child after 5 years of ttc. I was 22 weeks when I had a bleed and found out our little girl was dead.
I am 33 and desperate to fall pregnant and trying to grieve.
Just wondered if anyone else is in a similar position and we could help each other along?

kimblesj Tue 30-Aug-16 23:06:10

Hi,
We lost our son in April at nearly 22 weeks and have just decided to ttc. Really nervous about the whole thing tbh

molly29 Wed 31-Aug-16 00:10:07

hi,
I'm nervous too. I have such mixed feelings. I desperately want to be pregnant but I know this is the first hurdle.
How have you been coping?

kimblesj Wed 31-Aug-16 07:30:12

I have had some ups and downs, we lost our son because my waters broke at 15 weeks which caused lots of other problems so we had 7 weeks of hell before he was born. The paranoia that it could all happen again is the forefront of my mind.
How about you? When did you lose your daughter, how do you feel about ttc?
I'm really mixed, I don't want to replace him, just have that yearning for another baby and that our family isn't complete yet

molly29 Wed 31-Aug-16 08:53:45

Morning.
I have ups and downs. Days when I feel like myself again and then days when I can't believe how awful I feel.
They couldn't find a reason why she died. I gave birth to her 15th April.
I feel a mixture of trying to be positive that i will fall pregnant and be ok and the fear it could happen again. Also terrified i won't fall pregnant again. And then I get just so angry that this has happened and it's so unfair.
I have trouble being around pregnant people, people that I feel may say they are pregnant and newborns.
We had tried for so long and finally felt I could complete our family and move on. Some people have said I should stop trying as I have two beautiful children already, but I can't fill this hole that I need another child.
I don't want to replace her, I desperately wish she had been ok.
I also feel the pressure of the age gap between them.
How is your family coping?

kimblesj Wed 31-Aug-16 17:25:56

I can relate exactly!
Husband is doing ok now, was very upset to begin with, but focused on wanting to ttc straight away. We have 3 living sons too and they have been OK as a rule, middle one probably the most affected by it all. We visit his grave regularly and that helps the children.
Like you, we just don't feel complete but the thought of any of it happening again is too much to take. I want someone to predict the outcome for me so I know what to do and when.

molly29 Wed 31-Aug-16 17:38:04

I know, I always say that, I wish we had a crystal ball.
My daughter has felt it the hardest, she's 10, it's their first proper experience with death, my son is 7 and a lot has gone over his head.
I wish so much that we both get our happy ending.
My husband was very upset, but he said it's different for them, he has always felt he becomes their dad when he holds them. He is blindly optimistic it will all be ok.

kimblesj Wed 31-Aug-16 18:07:15

So is this the first month you are ttc? Are you doing anything specifically or just seeing how it goes for now? I feel like I'm being extra careful about what I eat and drink and trying to be super healthy and conscious of things.

molly29 Wed 31-Aug-16 18:43:01

Well we hadnt been careful since losing her. But properly trying the last two months with ovulation tests. Although I really feel my body is back to normal this month. Scared to leave because it took us so long to fall last time.
I have been really healthy with what we are eating and been taking pregnacare for several months. Due on on Saturday but did an early test already and it was negative. I'm already obsessed with it again.
Did you fall easily?

kimblesj Wed 31-Aug-16 19:56:04

No, I have pcos, it has taken anywhere from 3 months to 2 years to conceive for us. I kind of feel like my body is back to normal ( whatever my normal is) although periods are still really heavy and still quite painful since ds4 was born. We have decided we don't want to "ttc" in the stressful way as it has really eaten away at us as a couple before now, got quite fixated on symptoms and the right time etc. AF started today for me so the next month we will "try" and hope for the best. I just have this feeling that we aren't meant to have anymore and it's a horrible thing to feel

molly29 Wed 31-Aug-16 20:16:00

I feel that way too. But I have to try.
It's nice to have someone to talk to who is in a very similar position.

kimblesj Wed 31-Aug-16 21:13:20

Agree, it's tough discussing it with someone who hasn't been through it. The anxiety is overwhelming I have lots of bad memories of being pregnant now and the maternity hospital feels me with dread.

molly29 Thu 01-Sep-16 10:20:06

I suffer from anxiety too. It's awful isn't it. I am always terrified someone is going to announce they are pregnant. The next few months I have several people in my life due to have babies. The first one had a little girl a few days ago and I can't believe how it made me feel. I was so angry. It's so unfair. Know one around me understands that crushing feeling. Not even my husband.
We have lost 3 babies now in total and it feels like it only happens to me, which I know isn't true or we wouldn't be talking, but I think that's why it's so important to be able to talk to others who have been through this.

kimblesj Thu 01-Sep-16 17:16:05

Absolutely, I am still seeing a counsellor who I can discuss the details with without worrying she will find it awkward. I'm very aware that people find the whole situation awkward and taboo and then find myself avoiding talking about things. All the firsts after him are tough. I am finding the last few weeks tough as he was due, the first time I went into the maternity hospital was tough, my milk coming in was tough, first time I left the house after he was born etc etc... I feel like pregnancy will be a first every day, and I won't ever feel in the "safe" zone and that until I have a baby in my arms I will be paranoid and over the top and actually be one of those women I thought were milking it or being overly precious

greenwolf Thu 01-Sep-16 17:53:13

Thanks Molly for starting this thread. I lost my little girl in April. I was 16 weeks pregnant and it was a missed miscarriage - they couldn't find a heart beat at a routine appointment. I have endometriosis and it's been over two years trying to have a family so we were of course delighted when we were expecting this little one. And we miss her so much - and even if we manage to conceive again, which is a big source of anxiety (even though the consultant says we have 'proved fertility') we'll always remember this one and wonder what might she have been like.

You really put your finger on it about anxiety around other pregnancy announcements. A colleague is pregnant and recently played the recording of her 16 week scan - ie heart beat sounds - in the office. She knows I had a miscarriage, although she may not know the details - I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, and I want to be excited for her too, but also I need to cry in the car on the way home. So many conflicting emotions.

The uncertainty is unbearable - I'm just trying to focus on the next step of 2 lines next to each other, and then take it from there. But I would really like someone to tell me when or if this will happen.

molly29 Thu 01-Sep-16 20:38:17

Hi greenwolf.
I am so glad you joined too. It's already helped me starting this. Hoping we can help each other through the inevitable anxieties until we all have our little ones in our arms. I'm so sorry ur colleague was so so insensitive. But you got through and showed how strong you are.
Kimblesj. Do you feel councilling has helped? Is it specific from someone who specialises? I did have 5 weeks of councilling through work. But I left my job due to the nature of the role meant it was too difficult for me and we have so much going on as a family unit that something had to give.
Hope u ladies have got through the day ok. X

molly29 Thu 01-Sep-16 20:42:09

Kimblesj the due day was a really tough day for me too. I have found it hard ever since thinking how old would she be? I was up all night the other night just thinking that I should be up feeding her. X

kimblesj Thu 01-Sep-16 21:50:30

Hi green, so sorry to hear you are in this boat with us. I think that is a great outlook and something I will try and focus on two, concentrating on the first step (two lines) then take each step one at a time.

I received counselling through bereavement team who put me in touch with petals (a charity service) which I think has helped me
Walk through the steps and get to the bottom of my own feelings rather than worry about how everyone else feels. I work in the hospital our son was born and have had lots of post birth complications including retained placenta, infection and my gestational diabetes turning into full blown diabetes! So have had to go back into the maternity bit (although not labour part) and I work every day in the main hospital so have walked by it a lot and by the chapel of rest etc. I am struggling remaining at work but equally it is nice to be surrounded by people who don't need me to explain everything to. They understand when I'm not in the zone and have gone home early etc so it has its benefits as well as some tough memories

molly29 Thu 01-Sep-16 23:15:40

Kimbles you are so strong, I am sorry you had so many complications. I had retained placenta too and then a bit of a rough time in theatre. When you have been through what we had to go through you don't want to be pulled around anymore.I am glad your colleagues are supportive.

kimblesj Sun 04-Sep-16 20:24:38

Sorry I meant to reply all weekend but it has been middle sons 6th birthday so been running about, you know how these things are. Did you start AF yesterday? I'm just finishing mine so we have agreed this month we are giving it a go! So focusing on being as healthy and active as possible

molly29 Mon 05-Sep-16 16:01:16

Found out this morning I am pregnant but miscarrying😪

kimblesj Mon 05-Sep-16 22:50:27

Oh no Molly! Are you sure it's not implantation?

molly29 Tue 06-Sep-16 07:04:45

Well since Fiday I have had brown blood with the odd bit of red. I bulk bought tests from amazon(which were rubbish) 1 positive and 4 neg. so I went to doctors who was rubbish and didn't want to know my history at all. A friend came with me and made me get clear blue and got two very very faint positives. I have never had bleeding with any of my living babies. X

kimblesj Tue 06-Sep-16 07:10:50

I've had implantation bleeding with 1 of my 3 and thought it would all end badly but it was a few days of brown/pinky blood when I wiped and that was it. He was 6 on Saturday so it might all be ok? I have my fingers crossed for you

molly29 Tue 06-Sep-16 12:08:07

Thank u. I'll keep u posted. But I don't dare hope.
Good news that you'll start tycoon this month. Fingers crossed for you too. X

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