How did you know it was the right time to start trying to conceive?

(12 Posts)
lauracumins Thu 14-Jul-16 13:24:03

Hi everyone. I am new to the site and just wanted to hear from others at what point they thought it was the 'right time' to start trying for a baby. On paper, we are in a pretty good place. Married for 2 years, bought a house last year, just bought a (nearly) new bigger car outright, savings in the bank to cover mat leave pay shortfall. But, something is still holding us back. I do wonder if we've lived enough, been on enough holidays etc. I'm 29 so no real rush but husband is 38 and doesn't want to be an old dad so feel like we really need to get a move on.

I do have a few concerns with the timing. I am up for promotion in October and once that happens, I'm quite hqappy to stay at that position in my career for the foreseeable future. But don't know it it's wrong to get promoted and then go on mat leave shortly thereafter?

One of my closest friends unfortunately had a late term miscarriage in April (20 weeks) and is finding it hard to be around pregnant people. I really worry if I get pregnant before she does, it may ruin our friendship, and I would hate to upset her even more as she is already hurting so much.

On the other hand, I do want to be a mum - there are some days I feel so broody and desperately want to be pregnant and other days, I think maybe I should focus on my career etc. I don't know if there really is ever a right time?

Sorry for the long rant. I'm not really looking for advice, I just wanted to know if there was a point when you thought, yes, this is definitely the right time for us.

Thanks for reading.

Laura xx

SquidgyRedBall Thu 14-Jul-16 17:03:22

I joined MN specifically to ask this question.

All my friends are having babies and I'm thinking maybe I should so I don't get left behind. Emotionally we are ready, financially not so much. I'm so practical that I'm waiting for both to be aligned before we start trying. I often wonder how others who are even less financially and emotionally stable than us manage. I've been told by my mum and sisters that there is never a right time but to just go for it. Like you there is still something holding me back. Maybe I need a happy accident to occur to make my mind up for me, but I'm just toooo careful for that!

That's all I can add to this, maybe not much help but I didn't wanna read and run and j understand your position

X

lauracumins Fri 15-Jul-16 19:04:57

Thank you squidgy. I appreciate your response. I guess no one is ever totally ready. I suppose I worry we'll make the wrong decision but if we 're lucky enough to be able to have a healthy baby, I'm sure we would be delighted. It's just taking that plunge. I hope it all works out for you x

johendy Fri 15-Jul-16 19:20:16

Laura you seem so considered in your thinking I think you should trust your own judgement on this one.

If it were me, I'd go for the promotion and not worry about going off on maternity leave straight after. If you're good enough to get promoted, you deserve to get promoted AND make family decisions that suit you. One doesn't preclude the other. Don't feel guilty, only women can carry children, so by that thinking, women would/should hold their careers back for fear of it not looking good. Don't do this - work hard and do what is right for your family.

I'm really sorry to hear about your friend's loss. That is heartbreaking. I think it's sensitive of you to think about it. But having suffered infertility, I'd hate to think that other people made family decisions because of my misfortune. I think it's a matter of taking advice on the best way to handle it, if you were to get pregnant first.

Only you know if you've lived enough. But you can live big lives with kids too, so it's not a matter of doing it all before kids.

And finally, I don't think many people know it's the exact right time, many just get to the 'why not' time and go for it.

Good luck.

ThinkPinkStink Fri 15-Jul-16 19:50:46

For us, it was more that it stopped being 'the wrong time'.

We were both 36, married for a year, nice home, good jobs, some savings - but despite looking ready on-paper, we were still really nervous to start trying.

We were scared about changing our nice comfortable lives, because we were happy - and what if having a child would make us LESS happy?

Then at the start of this year, DH and I discussed having a child for the 1000th time - and just said 'okay, let's just do this' our presumption was that it'd take months, maybe years to get pregnant.

It took two weeks.*

And again I felt un-ready (I had presumed we'd have months of disappointment, so that when/if it finally happened I'd be so thrilled and relieved to have conceived, I'd be overtaken by excitement).

When we had the 12 week scan, and we saw a tiny baby inside me for the first time, I felt ready - I felt that there was nothing in this world I would not do to protect my child.

And them, our friends (who until we conceived were waxing lyrical about how we'd never know a love like it, and how it was the most beautiful thing in the world) started a mission of competitive misery, about how little they slept, how little cash they had, how they never did anything they liked, ever, ever, ever... and we felt un-ready.

I'm now 28 weeks pregnant, our daughter is due to be born about two weeks before my 37th birthday, and occasionally I feel scared about what we've let ourselves in for... but the fear of our baby not being okay, or coming into a world which is broken, or being unhappy is far greater than my fear for myself, our readiness or our relationship.

I guess what I'm saying is, it's scary - but one day it's very slightly less scary than it had been up until that point.

*I know we are lucky, and we felt lucky, and shocked - and freaking terrified.

BeenThereTooSEL Fri 15-Jul-16 19:58:52

I agree that you're never ready. We started trying after we got married and 6 weeks after our wedding we were in the club!

Like PP said when you find out you're pregnant, see the scan etc you just KNOW you're ready. Or at least you think you do until they're here ha ha X

haveacupoftea Sat 16-Jul-16 10:05:31

Sorry but as you've heard twenty thousand times, there is no right time. We were just talking about it one day and thought hey we might as well go for it. Life is never going to be perfect.

UnGoogleable Sat 16-Jul-16 17:36:15

A wise woman once told me that it's never 'the right time' - there's always something that should be better, more secure, not quite done.

If you're with the right person, that's the most important thing. The rest is just 'stuff' and you'll deal with it.

I'm nearly 38, I have fertility problems and have been ttc for 3 years. My 'right time' may have passed. Don't be like me.

lauracumins Tue 19-Jul-16 17:32:21

Thanks to everyone that's replied. It's definitely given me food for thought smile x

worrierandwine Tue 19-Jul-16 17:42:43

My body clock told me it was time. My 1st daughter was born 4 days after my 30th birthday. We had been making excuses for 5 years and when we finally had our baby I wondered why I had procrastinated so much. You adjust and never question it because that baby will come before everything. I know it's becoming repetitive but the old adage is true - there is never a right time.

AndWhat Wed 20-Jul-16 08:05:41

Having pcos and irregular periods we started trying it then took 8 years and multiple mc. Our DS is now 3 and although we are now in our 30s financially and professionally we are in the best position but having had family members pass away during the tycoon time we have a lot less support which makes things difficult in a different way.
I guess it's never a 'perfect' time but I wouldn't change my DS for the world he wants for nothing, has a safe comfortable home and parents who love each other and have shared the best and worst times but come through together.

MustStopAndThinkBeforePosting Wed 20-Jul-16 13:23:15

There's no such thing as the right time and it is far too easy to fritter away your fertility waiting for something or other to get marginally better. It could take you months or years to conceive. You could possibly (and I really hope not) have a number of false starts before an actual live baby comes along. So start trying, and see what happens. Meanwhile never let the fact that you are ttc stop you from going for promotions, booking up holidays and just living your life.

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