Not sure whether to try again

[sunflower1022]

Hi everyone. This is my first post and I am hoping for some advice.

I am 40, my husband is 43 and we have been married for more than 20 years. All my life I knew (or thought I knew) that I didn't want children. Husband would have quite liked to have kids initially, but I have always been honest that I don't want them and he still wanted to marry me.

Fast forward to 2015. A family member gave birth and I was smitten with baby. Obviously seen babies before but it never really did anything for me. All of a sudden I thought 'What if?'.

I was on a break from the contraceptive pill and we were using condoms...anyway, one night we threw caution to the wind (I'd had a couple of glasses of wine and so had he) and I couldn't believe it when my period was late and a subsequent pregnancy test revealed a 'positive'. To be honest, I didn't think it was going to happen so quickly at my age (I was 39 at the time).

Long story short, I miscarried at the end of last year at nine weeks. It was horrible and I was a mess. As soon as I had found out I was pregnant I tried my best to be as healthy as possible, including taking pregnacare. I realise though that that is no guarantee.

At first we both did not want to try again. Were very diligent about contraception. But recently I have been thinking again 'What if?'.

I read about all the risks of 'older' mums during pregnancy and birth, also about Downs and other genetic defects and it doesn't make for pretty reading. Not to mention the risk of another miscarriage. I know there is never a guarantee, no matter what age you are, and I am fit and healthy (have never smoked, don't drink much) according to my doctor, but I can't shake off the fear that something might go wrong.

And then I wonder if it would be selfish to have a child at our age.

My husband is of no help really as he says he just wants me to happy and would go either way. Might sound great but it's not really as it puts all the pressure on me.

I am sorry for waffling on. If you are still reading this, thank you. Basically what I am wondering is if I really do want a baby or if it is the proverbial inner clock ticking rather loudly because my body knows I am approaching the end of my child bearing years.

I know ultimately it is a decision I will have to make myself but any advice from people who may have been in the same situation or just advice in general would be gratefully received.

Thank you x

[GruffaloPants]

Most 40 year old Mums have perfectly healthy babies.

40 isn't selfishly old to be a parent, nor is 43! I'm late 30s and DP is early 40s. We are having our second, I don't have any concerns around age now that we have had the main screening tests done. I don't feel different to when I had my first a few short years ago!

Only you can decide. It sounds like something you do want. It is extremely rare for parents to regret their children.

[physicskate]

The only reason I am ttc is because I know I will regret it if I don't at least try. A bit selfishly, but I am thinking about sharing my old age with a family, instead of just me and my spouse (neither of us have large families with lots of nieces or nephews). Plus, I am hoping I would be a swell parent.

Ticking clock is a huge pressure. Men will never understand that same pressure as they can have children into old age.

Something can always go wrong (with everything in life).

Good luck with your decision.

[sunflower1022]

Thank you both for your replies.

My head is all over the place at the minute. I feel like I need to make a decision very very soon (as time is obviously not on my side), but at the same time I think this is not something you can rush into.

The other thing is that I am on antidepressants (long story, but basically to do with my parents), so would like to come off those before I try. Obviously under Dr's supervision.

Strange how you can go from feeling one way to feeling the exact opposite all of a sudden. As if someone flicked a switch.

I know my husband would make a great father. He has all the qualities, including tons of patience. Me, I hope I would turn out differently to my own parents.

Thank you again x

[Allium40]

Hi sunflower, I'm also 40 and would say go for it. You may regret it if you don't. If you think about having kids in the cold light of day there are so many reasons not to do it. And the reasons for having kids cannot be put into words as it's feelings and bonding. Go for it, you won't regret it.

[simplydivine05]

Don't let age stop you. My friend had her two at 41 and 43 and she was a smoker and very unhealthy in general. She thought she would never have children due to her age and not meeting the right person but she did. Yes the risks are higher, but you are monitored closely, and if you are normally fit and well then go for it!

[LuluJakey1]

I never wanted children but I knew DH did and I had said I would have one at some point. After putting it off for 6 years we had DS- got pregnant very easily. He is just the joy of my life and of DH's. We are going to start TTC number 2 in August/Sept. I'll be 37 then and probably 38 when it arrives. We might even have 3! DH would like 4. Honestly, for someone who did not like children- and I am still not fussed on other people's- I absolutely love being a mum.

[Merdie]

I know my husband would make a great father. He has all the qualities, including tons of patience. Me, I hope I would turn out differently to my own parents.

Reading between the lines hugely ... if you're anything like me then being loved by him that has helped you realise that you are lovable deep down and could be a good mum, unlike yours. I too had that light bulb moment a few years ago and it was so strange.

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm about 10 years younger than you and have had four MCs now (most very early on). One off my colleagues has just had 2 babies in her 40s with no issues.

Age doesn't mean everything in fertility. But headspace matters a lot. Are you able to talk to a counsellor about it perhaps? They won't be able to give you answers but might help you ask the right questions.

Also, I found the following video to be really insightful in some ways (although I question the fertility part in it hugely). I don't know if it'll speak to you too but just in case: why don't I want children (...he usually does funny stuff, this is different obviously)

[sunflower1022]

Thank you all so much for your replies. Lots to think about and mull over.

Merdie - I am very sorry to hear about your miscarriages. It is so unfair. Thank you for the video. I shall have a look at it.

x