I've posted elsewhere recently but don't feel I said what I want to say. I don’t even know if I should be posting this in Conception or Infertility which kind of sums up how lost I feel. I’ve been peeing on sticks for 15 months now, but we haven’t used contraception since September 2013. I’m 38, no kids. The first 6 months of 2014 were taken up with illness caused by endometriosis (suspected to be cancer initially until biopsy), emergency surgery and complicated recovery. Being so sick gave me a huge sense of perspective at first – I was so happy and grateful to be out of hospital that I didn’t worry too much about conceiving. But all that Zen feeling has deserted me after month after month of no luck, despite doing all the ‘right’ things, from decaf coffee to yoga to CoQ10 and other supplements my friends with kids have never heard of. AND getting drunk, holidays, relaxing and all the things that stupid people like to recommend.
Now I feel tired and sad and lonely. I feel a gulf opening up between me and my friends, as they enter a new life stage that I don’t know anything about and may never know about. I’ve had ups and downs – periods of feeling down followed by optimism – but the downs seem to be getting longer and more frequent. I know that other people on these boards have had a far worse time, and that there are worse things in life than ttc (at least my version of it). And I try and keep a sense of perspective; I don’t have cancer, etc etc. But … unlike other horrible things like divorce or bereavement where it’s worse initially and gradually gets better, ttc just seems to get worse and worse and worse the longer it goes on. And if I’m like this after only 15 months I don’t know how I will cope even longer term.
We are unexplained and due to have IVF in June, with our local NHS clinic. We are lucky to have this but I’m scared – not of the physical side of it though god knows I’ve had enough scans and procedures to last a lifetime, but of how I will cope emotionally if it doesn’t work. At 38, it’s not game over but the statistics aren’t on our side either. Mr Noodles is being brilliant but I feel so sad for him as he would be a fantastic dad. And I’m not sure how long I can keep crying on his shoulder before it starts to affect our relationship. I would love to get a kitten as a distraction but no outside space.
Thanks if you’ve read this far and if you have any words of cheer I’d love to hear them. I have bounced back in the past, and I know I will again, but this is just not a good day.
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.
MNHQ have commented on this thread
Conception
The loneliness of long-distance ttc
13 replies
RebeccaNoodles · 24/03/2016 14:18
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.