Over 40 ttc (secondary infertility) following miscarriage - this feels awful!

(3 Posts)
monkeytree Thu 10-Mar-16 12:32:20

Not sure where exactly to post so I have started a new thread.

I'm very fortunate to have 2 dd's Also had a late miscarriage last feb at 20 weeks and lost ds. Devastated doesn't even come close to describing how I feel. Have been ttc for nearly a year and all the stats are stacked against me - low ovarian reserve, nearly 42 and I think given my high fsh, low amh egg quality is probably rubbish. I take supplements etc. but really I know that the chances of any more dc's is highly unlikely. Yet that doesn't stop me hoping, symptom checking etc. if my eggs are no longer viable I wish I could just enter menopause and close a chapter, living with slim hope is awful. Pmt is awful too and lowers my mood and aggravates the grief I feel over my loss. I was prescribed some Ad's recently by GP but not taking them 'just in case' any remaining fertility is compromised, it's crazy and desperate and I don't have anyone to talk to about this. One friend has entered the menopause others husband/partners have had a vasectomy! They both have two children each, why can't I be content with my lot. One neighbour says vehemently that she will not have any more than one child (late 30's) and I think she is making a terrible mistake) and some of my daughters friends are only children, they are getting on with things. This is like an obsession, infertility is like an obsession, probably aggravated by my loss.

I was one of three children and due to my parents own inabilities did not receive much attention. I grew up believing I only wanted one child so as not to repeat this (also suffered emotional and borderline physical abuse). Then at age 39 I gave birth to dd2 miracle baby given my diagnosis of low ovarian reserve a really longed for baby. Pregnancy 3 (my loss) was a complete and utter surprise and things just didn't feel right. Finally I feel ready to parent well, ironically it seems my body is churning out crappy eggs. I wish I knew then what I know now, (not to have babies late in case of fertility issues early menopause etc). I am left with a lot of regret. Dd1 says she doesn't want any more siblings as she has had to share attention with dd2 (whom she adores). I try to hold on to this to pull me through. It's hard work though trying to keep afloat, counting the number of children people have. I live in a village where there are several large families, I would have liked that but then again I would probably have struggled to cope, I have nothing in the way of support. I am estranged from my own mother and father (who are separated). Can't quite work out how to move on. I'm still taking dd 2 who is 2.5 to toddler groups I don't suppose this helps. Can anyone relate to any of this? It's good to clear my head this way.

marmiteontoast76 Thu 10-Mar-16 12:48:02

I can relate to this. I also have 2 dcs but am completely obsessed with having a third. Just had my second late mc a few weeks back, can only think it's due to age of my eggs. Will be turning 40 in a few months and can't bear the thought of my fertility gates slamming shut in a few years. My mum went through menopause at 48 so hoping I might have few more years, but I know the right thing to do is to be happy with having my 2 dcs but I doubt I will ever stop this 3rd child obsession. Like you I was one of 3 and didn't receieve much attention, but I feel like I have so much love and attention to give to more dcs.

So I understand everything you are saying. How does you dp feel about this?

My ovarian reserve hasn't been tested yet, neither have any blood clotting or thyroid issues so I'm a few stages behind you in knowing which way to go next. I've just been googling about ivf and pgs screening though to give me a tiny bit of hope.

monkeytree Thu 10-Mar-16 21:36:53

Hi Marmite,

I have read some of your other posts and replied to some of them. I cannot believe that you had one late mc then lost your rainbow baby after that, devastating and my thoughts are with you x. I feel as if my eldest dd has suffered seeing me grief stricken and tearful it is hard sometimes as if I am existing in two different worlds, one with my family one in my life of grief. I never really thought I would have a third dc (so lucky to have dd2 given my test results). It seemed too good to be true. I was ttc for 2 years with dd2 and practically given up. With late ds ttc (without hope) for 3 months. I was weaning Dd2 off of breastfeeding when I became pregnant, it was like my body hadn't recovered from my previous pregnancy. I think the grief I have experienced with losing ds would limit my chances of conceiving again even if there was one more good egg. In my dreams I give birth to twins and live happily ever after. My reality is I have 2 children (when I should have had 3). Sometimes I feel torn between them and feel another child would affect the attention I am able to give them. My dh isn't keen to have more children. He is older than me and has 2 grown up children. Having a second family later in life will affect his retirement. Having said that he is a really good dad to the dd's and was devastated at the time of our loss. He seems to have moved forward a lot more quickly than me but then I think it is different for us having carried our babies. I imagined ds with his own personality, hopes and dreams for the future etc whereas dh didn't so was spared from this. I wish I hadn't become pregnant a third time. I felt so much contentment having finally managed to have my second child. I was desperate to have dc2, dc3 was never planned, I never expected to hurt so much and I suspect my longing for a dc3 is all tied up with having had his loss, changing a wistful 'it would have been nice to have had more children' into a desperate longing. I am fearful of becoming pregnant again and facing this loss again but it doesn't seem to have stopped me trying, it's like having regret piled on to more regret if I don't try. This is a lonely place to be, I don't have family to talk to and my friends are in a different place now and dont really get it. I would love to talk more about all of this (I do have counselling) but I honestly think I could talk about loss etc every day, I think a lot about death now and spend a lot of time reading and writing on forums like this. I've come to know I will never get over this, it will always stay with me. I am so sorry for everyone going through this, I wish you well marmite and thank you for responding to my post when you are going through so much yourself x

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