Just want reassurance really...

(10 Posts)
seoulsurvivor Thu 18-Feb-16 08:22:27

I'm 33 (just turned). Although I always wanted kids, I also wanted to make sure it was with the right guy: this was really important to me (I grew up with a very disinterested dad who doesn't even know when my birthday is, how old I am, what I studied...I didn't want that for my kids.) I was willing to sacrifice having kids if I never met the right guy.

Finally! I found him! And we're getting married this year.

However: I still have to finish my NQT year (teaching qualification). We are abroad right now, and can't realistically return to the UK until February 2017. That gives me some time to find a teaching post, then I could complete it in July 2018.

It just sounds SO far away. I would be 35 by then, and I'm worried I wouldn't be able to conceive. I know plenty of women do, but then...many don't too.

I really want the stability of having my teaching qualification done so that I always have the ability to earn a decent wage. I don't want to do my NQT with a child because I know I probably can't cope with both. We really can't go back sooner because I'm under contract. Besides which, I'd like to spend some time post-marriage just enjoying time with my husband.

I know no one can predict the future. I just can't help worrying.

As far as I know, no problems with infertility, periods are regular, mum and gran both had kids in their 30s.

Am I taking a huge risk that I'll regret?

guidinglight Thu 18-Feb-16 08:35:00

As a teacher, I wouldn't put it off just to finish your NQT year. I'm 10 years into my career and there has never been a point where I've thought that things are easier so it would be an ideal time to have a baby. We were due to start TTC in December 2014 but I put it off until the summer due to a potential promotion - I'm still not pregnant so probably should have just gone with it when we had originally planned.

I also have regular periods and the other females in my family have bred like rabbits. I personally wouldn't put it off, there will never be a time that is 100% perfect.

seoulsurvivor Thu 18-Feb-16 08:45:53

Hmm. I see what you mean. I'm in a bit of a different situation though. Basically, I just want to finish the NQT as a kind of back-up. Once I finish, we'll come back to my husband's home country where I would be able to quit work if I got pregnant (he earns enough to support both of us, luckily).

I have considered NOT doing the NQT, but it puts me in such a dodgy situation. If anything happened to my husband, I wouldn't be able to earn money very easily without it. I just want to be able to be sure of being able to support a family independently if the worst came to the worst.

I know there's not a perfect time, and that I've left it quite late.

Damn. Maybe we should just think about going to the UK sooner.

guidinglight Thu 18-Feb-16 08:56:29

Would finding somewhere to do your NQT and starting TTC straight away be an option? You can extend your NQT year for maternity leave.

seoulsurvivor Thu 18-Feb-16 09:14:58

Hm. We could start trying earlier I guess. But I don't want to leave it unfinished, and as we're not planning to settle in the UK, I don't want it hanging over me.

Thanks for your suggestions, they're giving me stuff to consider.

Runner05 Thu 18-Feb-16 09:30:19

Bare in mind that on average it will probably take you at least 6 months to conceive. You might be lucking and get pregnant quickly but you also might take a year or more.
When I was ttc I was part of a group, about 30% of us got pregnant in the first 3 months... The others are still trying 5 months later.

If I were you I wouldn't put it off too long as while things will most likely be fine, the further past 35 you get the more risk there will be of complications for both you and the baby not to mention the increased likelihood of Down's syndrome etc.

guidinglight Thu 18-Feb-16 09:30:41

Is coming back to the UK essential? You can now complete your induction period at a British School overseas providing it meets certain criteria.

seoulsurvivor Thu 18-Feb-16 10:17:22

Thanks Runner We are talking about it now and you're right it probably would take a while...hm. Maybe we could start a little earlier. Not the best idea trying to do NQT year while pregnant, but I don't want to miss the boat.

guidinglight I've looked into trying to do it here but it's hard to get any answers. It's a god idea though, I think I'll keep trying.

Canters15 Thu 18-Feb-16 11:27:47

I'm 29 and have been trying since I got married. I'm now on cycle 5. I have a normal bmi, good diet, regular exercise, don't smoke, periods like clockwork and grandmothers that had my parents in their early forties. In short, I thought I'd get knocked up immediately, and I'm not.

I would rather have waited a year or two after getting married, but I have seen too much infertility in youngish women through work, and didn't want to chance it. If ivf is needed it has a much higher success rate when the women is under 35.

Its obvious what I would do in your situation, but it's a personal decision. If you're planning to go back to dh home country could you not find work for yourself there after baby? I'm not sure I understand the point of doing the nqt if there's no plan to stay in the uk- surely if you did the nqt, then went abroad and didn't work as a teacher, you'd be pretty unemployable anyway if you wanted to return to teaching 10 years down the line? I admit I have NO idea how the teaching world works!

Good luck whatever you decide.

shopaholic85 Thu 18-Feb-16 14:11:38

If you really want kids, I wouldn't put it off. I know you want to finish your NQT year, but having this qualification will be of little consolation if you have trouble conceiving.

It would be difficult, but not impossible to complete your NQT year with a child. I've been teaching for almost 10 years and know women who have done it.

Do what feels right now, instead of making decisions around what you will be doing in 2-3 years' time and on 'what ifs'.

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