So frustrated, DH 'performance anxiety'

[AliceScarlett]

We've never really had that much sex but its really coming to light now we are TTC, he barely wants to and when he does he doesn't... finish half the time. Says it is awkward or he is not in the mood.

I can't do anything about this... Any kind of encouragement or pushiness just feels a bit...rapey

I knew this would be a problem, I knew I wasn't meant to have kids. I'm really really fucking angry, but I can't express that because it will just make it worse and he's not choosing to make this difficult. He finds his reactions shameful I think.

Horrible vicious cycle that I can do nothing about.

You hear all the time about husband's/partners being over the moon about all this extra sex they are getting ttc and it just seems the opposite for him.

I don't give a shit if I'm in the mood or slightly tired or not 100% up for it, Ill happily just dtd as a means to an end almost, i can't relate to where he is.
He says he definitely wants kids and I do believe him, I just think deep down he doesn't like sex.

Can any one relate?

[IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy]

Hi OP. I can't relate to your DHs issues but I do understand your frustrations. Me and DH are quite a way down the path of fertility treatment where I take tablets to help me ovulate. We get a limited amount of tries which means there are days when we HAVE to dtd, there is no other option. And the pressure has got to DH before and he's struggled. I am like you OP, I would do it anyway but it's easier for us I guess.

For us, we have taken a step back when we've had those instances. I take the pressure right off but make sure we stay cuddled up in bed - this tends to result in middle of the night or morning sex. This only works because we talk though. Have you and DH really talked about this issue?

I'm wondering if he has ED? Or delayed ejaculation (as he doesn't always finish)? Is he embarrassed? Does he get defensive?

This is such a sensitive issue that clear communication is the only way you're going to deal with this

[whatsthatcomingoverthehill]

I can relate to your DH. It's bloody hard on both of you. Problem is (or was for me anyway) that despite the best of intentions from both of you it is really difficult not to feel the pressure. And once you have one 'performance difficulty' it preys on your mind.

IsIt is right. The only thing you can do is take the pressure right off. For us that involved the turkey baster method. Just knowing that there was something else we could do, even though the chances aren't as good, helped. And meant that we were more relaxed when we did try normally. In the end we conceived through normal means.

[Junosmum]

I get it, from both your sides.

On a practical note can you be "all for him" and then jump on at the crucial point? May reduce both of your frustrations.

[Junosmum]

And don't be too disheartened, my DH was excited about the extra sex he'd be getting but the month we conceived we did it once, on count day 11! So it is totally possible to get pregnant having very little sex.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Yes, all you can do is take the pressure off. Depending on your age, I'd give TTC a miss for a couple of months - it's what we had to do when DH was having issues. And then yes, it wasn't about having decent sex, it was about the endpoint - so I did whatever was necessary to get him to near-completion and then it only took a few seconds once he was "in". Shit sex from my POV but as it was a means to an end, I didn't really care - and it worked.

Are you doing all the ovulation prediction things? Do you use OPKs, or monitor cervical mucus etc? Limiting when you need to have sex to the few days you are actually fully fertile helps too.

Also, if your DH's libidio is low, you might want to ask him to see a GP about it, in case there is anything actually wrong (he might refuse of course!) - or start him on a multi-vit and mineral supplement to ensure he's having enough zinc etc.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Yes, all you can do is take the pressure off. Depending on your age, I'd give TTC a miss for a couple of months - it's what we had to do when DH was having issues. And then yes, it wasn't about having decent sex, it was about the endpoint - so I did whatever was necessary to get him to near-completion and then it only took a few seconds once he was "in". Shit sex from my POV but as it was a means to an end, I didn't really care - and it worked.

Are you doing all the ovulation prediction things? Do you use OPKs, or monitor cervical mucus etc? Limiting when you need to have sex to the few days you are actually fully fertile helps too.

Also, if your DH's libidio is low, you might want to ask him to see a GP about it, in case there is anything actually wrong (he might refuse of course!) - or start him on a multi-vit and mineral supplement to ensure he's having enough zinc etc.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Is he conflicted about settling down and having a family? he just lazy? If you say it's always you that takes the sexual initiative it's probably not going to happen often enough to catch you at your fertile time of each month.

I wonder if there are any stresses going on in the background, financial/work/parental or family...?

I don't know how old you both are, if there's any question of your biological clock ticking, or whether he has fears about his age as a dad?

If he claims he wants a baby as much as you do, you have to ask him when you're fully clothed and not in a situation where you could have sex,
"Do you want a baby or not?"

[BoBo90]

I think people are over thinking this. Your poor dh is most likely just feeling the pressure of being the one who has to 'give' you the baby. It's his one role in the 9 months of baby making so its vital he does it right. This is a massive ask and therefore pressure for him even if it's only there subconsciously.
My wonderful dh has performance anxiety and didn't understand why. He broke down crying because he felt he was letting me down and I had to explain that it was perfectly natural but it won't make it go away. My plan for this cycle is to dtd every other day for a week either side of my fertile week so he doesn't know when I'm ovulating and can't stress about it. We also didn't have sex very often before ttc but that was my choice.

Sorry for long post but I think you need to give the poor guy a break and work out how you can support him x

[AliceScarlett]

Thanks everyone for your help. He's not conflicted or lazy, just anxious. ASD doesn't help, he has very set ideas about "Hollywood" sex and judges himself when it's not perfect.

I've calmed down from last night, was too tired and emotional.

Your poor dh is most likely just feeling the pressure of being the one who has to 'give' you the baby. It's his one role in the 9 months of baby making so its vital he does it right. This is a massive ask and therefore pressure for him even if it's only there subconsciously.

Absolutely this. Everyone's suggestions about taking the pressure off are wise. We discussed it this morning and I was just normal, bright and breezy, he said he was feeling stressed about it and I empathised and suggested we stop trying this cycle and even the next one. Its not what I want to do in an ideal world but one more cycle wont hurt and I don't want him to be stressing so much.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I can see ASD might well be a factor if he's feeling pressured. Not knowing that I was next going to ask if he is ordinarily something of a germaphobe.

It must help when you reassure him you find him attractive at times when not actually having sex. Compliments and/or kissing, cuddling and mild flirting are ways of giving positive sexual feedback outside the bedroom .

[AliceScarlett]

We just had an hours talk about this and he ended it by saying "I hate sex, I wish I could take it out of the picture completely, its not fun or loving, why would I want to do something that makes me stressed and angry?"

Fucking devastated, I knew he wasn't really interested and he's hinting the above before but never really come out and said it. Why get married if you don't want to have a sexual relationship?

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Gosh, the poor guy though. I mean poor you but imagine being so conflicted and unhappy about sex. Do you think he could possibly be up for sex therapy? He must have some issues surrounding sex somewhere.

[LuckyinOctober]

Sorry you're going through this, I feel for both of you. I'm not sure if this will help, but there's a blog written by a woman with Asperger's Syndrome about her difficulties with sex, sexuality and how she managed to conceive, just wondered if you'd find it interesting/helpful, even if just to know you're not alone in the sex with ASD minefield -

blog.penelopetrunk.com/2010/11/18/what-its-like-to-have-sex-with-someone-with-aspergers/

My other piece of advice would be to go to your GP if you can to talk through what the health service in your area could offer, and in particular it might be good for the two of you to talk over what would help make sex more fun/loving for both of you xx

[AliceScarlett]

Yeah it is horrible for him. No winners here.

Thanks for the link Lucky I couldn't help but smile at some of the things she was saying.

He's said he will go to his GP and talk about low sex drive, he's willing to have testosterone tests and discuss side effects of meds, but I think that's it, he wouldn't consider therapy. I suggested it and he just ignored, maybe one day. Idk.

Apparently I've made it much worse by pilling on the pressure, so I'll back off, I personally don't think I've been too bad at all, but then we come from different ends of the spectrum, DH thinks dtd once in the FW is good enough, I disagree. But my way is making it worse so I'll not mention it for a few months

[Picklesauage]

You have had some good advice about the mental side of things, but I will stick to the practical side of things.

We tried for a lonnnnnng time to get our DD. After 18 months of sex every other night (expect bleeding days) we were broken and our sex love was broken. So we started doing 'at home IUI' or 'turkey baster'. He would go and quickly masturbate, I would use some preseed (lubricant for conception) then using the preseed syringe I would add his 'contribution' and sit with my legs in the air for 20 minutes!

This saved us, it meant that we could still make a baby without having to have sex. That doesn't mean we stopped having sex, but some nights if we were tired, stressed, busy or ill we didn't feel like we'd let the other one down.

I really hope you get together on this. It took us a while to reach the point were we both accepted this as an idea, but it really helped.

[AliceScarlett]

Sounds like a plan, I'll definitely keep it in mind if things continue to be difficult, thank you.