Open Embryo Adoption?

(21 Posts)
OpenEmbryoAdoption Wed 30-Dec-15 15:36:54

Hello

My husband and I will do IVF in 2016, with own egg and own sperm, and we heard our chances are actually quite good in getting a BFP at the end of it all.

But, we discussed what will happen to the other embryos. We would hope for twins, because ideally we would have two kids.

We spoke about embryo donation, but reached the conclusion that the only way it would work for us is if it would be an open embryo adoption.

We know we would NOT be the parents of any child that might result, we just would like to receive updates, pictures and- maybe - one or two visits per year with the parents present. Just like an uncle or aunt would.

Is that unrealistic? Do you think there would be anybody that would be willing to do that? I realise it is a complicated situation, like any open adoption is. But the diferencial is that I would not have had that baby grow inside of me, my husband would not be the one to massage the pregnant woman's feet or run to get whatever food she is craving for.

We would just be giving a chance for two small tiny tiny bits of our genetical material mixed together to actually be born.

But we would like to meet the parents well before deciding, as we would want to give the embryo a chance to have a life. But a good life, and it would be a hard decision to choose someone that we think would be the ones to be the parents of the baby/babies that embryo/those embryos would become.

Last of all, I have no idea where or how on earth I would find those people (or this person, if it was a single mother)

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted your thoughts regarding all that.

Goingtobeawesome Wed 30-Dec-15 15:39:44

Would you really be allowed to vet the potential parents first?!

I think it sounds like you're not ready to let them be used tbh. You will have to give up ownership of these embryos and it sounds like you would see them as yours still.

Littlefish Wed 30-Dec-15 15:42:14

I have never heard of an open embryo adoption, and in the UK, have never heard of birth parents of children, or embryos being able to meet potential adoptees before making a decision.

Are you in the UK or US?

Blueprintorange Wed 30-Dec-15 15:42:33

No I don't think you can do that, at least not through official channels.

NigelLikesSalad Wed 30-Dec-15 15:42:33

I think it's probably far to early in he process to be thinking about this. You may only have one embryo, you may not get a BFP, you might not get twins so might want future embryos for yourself etc. It's only once you have your baby that you will truly know how you feel about those embryos.

Sorry if that sounds a bit hard as your intentions might very well be good but it's probably a decision or discussion best left until once you've had your IVF next year.

NigelLikesSalad Wed 30-Dec-15 15:43:14

And actually as said by PP, I've never heard of it either so guessing you're maybe in US?

howtorebuild Wed 30-Dec-15 15:44:44

You sound too attached to your eggs.

Organ donation doesn't depend on vetting and visits.

OpenEmbryoAdoption Wed 30-Dec-15 15:46:39

@ Goingtobeawesome vet in which way? If you mean on the way they would raise the child/children, no, I would have no rights whatsoever.

I would like to choose the potential parents because I would see what kind of people they are. That is the only decision I would make for that childs/childrens life, who their parents would be.

After that, I would not see them as mine, but would like to have some sort of contact, update, the way I would with a friend.

Also, I live in Germany, and would like to choose parents in the UK, so we would not be too close to them geographically. Like that I guess it would ease the parents about the bio family just showing up on their doorstep for a cuppa.

doitanyways Wed 30-Dec-15 15:48:33

Definitely not sorry - you donate embryos to enable someone else to become parents and as with most things, after that you have no say.

It really is like donating eggs but only to some people.

OpenEmbryoAdoption Wed 30-Dec-15 15:51:18

@ NigelLikesSalad that is all true. Thank you so much for your reply, it wasn't harsh at all.

Maybe embryo donation would not be for me, as from what I read, you seem all puzzled by the idea of it being an open adoption. And I know I am thinking ahead in the future, but that is how I am.

I know there is a big chance I might have embryos left, and will have to decide what happens to them, so I would like to at least have an idea of my options since now, if the time comes.

Goingtobeawesome Wed 30-Dec-15 15:52:09

You want to meet them to check they will be able to give the baby a good life and to see what kind of people they are. That is vetting. You're already planning on being in their life. I don't think you should donate.

I hope it isn't allowed here. Would be terrible.

Goingtobeawesome Wed 30-Dec-15 15:52:56

No one is puzzled. We all know what you mean.

OpenEmbryoAdoption Wed 30-Dec-15 15:54:45

@ doitanyways I know I would have no say after the embryos would be adopted, I have made that quite clear.

I said that I would like to choose the parents that the embros would be donated to. And have some sort of update about THEIR child/children. Even if just pictures by e-mail.

How open or not the adoption would be could be discussed between my husband, myself and the parents.

OpenEmbryoAdoption Wed 30-Dec-15 15:56:23

Ok, thank you all for your honest opinions, truly.

I needed to get an outside perspective, as the only one I have spoken to about anything like that was my husband.

OpenEmbryoAdoption Wed 30-Dec-15 15:57:56

I understand now that it would not be a good thing for the parents, to have the adoption be open. Thank you again for all your opinions.

I wish you all a great 2016

OpenEmbryoAdoption Wed 30-Dec-15 16:05:53

I will delete my account now, my question has been answered.

Thank you to all those that replied.

howtorebuild Wed 30-Dec-15 17:07:37

You can name change op.

Are you worried about your suitability to be a good parent?

Amummyatlast Wed 30-Dec-15 18:19:36

I've recently been considering doing IVF again with donated embryos and I have to say this is not a situation I would not accept. While I have no problem with being 'vetted', I would not want such 'interference' for want of a better word.

I don't want to put a dampner on things either, but over the course of my two IVF/ICSI treatments, 45 eggs resulted in 5 embryos, only one of which survived to be implanted she's currently pretending to brush her teeth with her toy dustpan brush. And statistically, our chances of having a BFP were very good, with us both being youngish and having no identified problems. So, just don't get your hopes up too much about the first cycle being successful. Infertility is a mean bitch of a medical problem.

FishWithABicycle Wed 30-Dec-15 19:34:32

I hope your IVF is successful OP.

For what it's worth, if I was in the situation of needing a donated embryo, I would have no problem at all with demonstrating my suitability as a parent in advance and adding the donors to our annual Christmas Round Robin letter recipient list to keep them up to date. So although I don't know about whether your proposal is legal, I don't think you need give up hope based on the negative responses above.

I hope you find someone suitable.

Jackie0 Wed 30-Dec-15 19:41:48

We had four failed icsi cycles, we were young and our chances were predicted to be good but no joy.
Getting fertilised embryos that make the grade is a hurdle in itself op and with the greatest will in the world you are getting way ahead of yourselves , you don't know what mountains you have to climb yet.
One step at a time wink

Samantha28 Wed 30-Dec-15 20:16:10

The adoption system in the UK is set up to find families for children who are already in public care . It doesn't place embryoes , as parental rights and responsibilities belong to the women who gives birth to a baby , regardless of where the egg comes from .

If you decide to donate your eggs or sperm , you have no control over who they are given to , that is determined by the policy of the organisation to whom you donated them .

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