Anyone unable to get pregnant and decided against IVF?

[NoelNosey]

If so, why?

A friend of mine is having a dilemma about it and I told her to come on here and get some views, but she won't so I told her I would instead (I'm a regular but name-changed for this), she's OK with getting feedback but doesn't want to come on herself.

Her doctor has told her that in her opinion, most people don't regret the things they've done, but the things they haven't done. In other words, DF should do IVF. All our other friends are also telling DF she should do IVF, it's a no-brainer, do it.

I really don't know what to advise her. She keeps asking me what I think and gets annoyed with me because I keep saying it's really her choice and not down to what anyone else thinks, but she thinks I'm being a namby pamby non-judgemental liberal and I'm not, I just honestly don't know what to say to her because I've never had that dilemma and have no idea how I would have felt or what I would have done in her place. She's feeling extremely negative about IVF, but she doesn't articulate why and so I've got very little to go on in terms of discussing pros and cons with her.

Can anyone help?

[tinyhoneybee]

I too have changed my name for this, as my views might not be 'the norm'.

From a personal standpoint I can understand your friend being reluctant about IVF. I'm not sure that I would have IVF if I cannot conceive naturally (fingers crossed I never have to make the decision!). It is actually something I have thought quite a bit about since ttc.

I don't think that it should be a "no brainer" to go ahead with IVF.

This is my personal opinion for me so please don't think I am having a go at anyone who does IVF, far from it. It's a very brave woman that goes through all that invasion in the quest for a baby! And it's truly amazing that science enables this to happen. I just don't know if it would be right for me.

I think about it in terms of, I haven't been able to conceive naturally, there might be a reason for this. I'm not religious at all, so that is not a factor. I'm not even sure how to explain my reasons for being reluctant, so I understand where your friend not being able to articulate it.

I'm not sure this has really offered any help to you, apologies for that! I think you are doing the right thing telling her it's her own choice!!

All the best to your friend.

[Snowyowlet]

Hi NoelNosey,
everyone looks at me mad now cos I have finally decided to go for IVF (im 44) and they are wondering why I left it so late.

It took me til I was 40 to accept that I was having probs TTC and I went with DH to docs. But only after a pact that we would not blame each other if one was at fault. Of course DH results came back fine and I had to have further tests - another year and a half passes - and they say unexplained infertility. Best bet IUI or IVF.

I sat and thought for months. Was I playing God in all of this? Afterall, if there is a reason why I we cant have one, why force it - was it meant to be? We summised that IUI was most natural and just a little "external" help and went for that x 1 no success (although eggs were good and lining fine).But they found a polyp - so another op and a year later we try again to no avail - top clinic now rejects me cos too old for treatment with own eggs. So we have stripped bare our values, have gone down the road we swore we would not take and are going for IVF consultancy with another clinic miles away in Jan. Its not the money that is an issue more of my own ideals and values, that I feel cheated by if there is a God - him. Why us when we could offer a kid so much love etc and cant - so if we force it who knows the outcome. In the end desperation has won over my soul.

I feel sorry for your DF. If she is going through this inner termoil there is no one who can help her reach her decision but herself. Its no good suggesting freezing eggs til she decides as it is possibly the invasion of her values that is hurting most. Just support her, listen, and be there when she needs you most. Then do the same when the decision is finally made. Hope this helps?

[BarefootDancer]

Friends of mine who were unable to conceive decided against IVF, having seen another dear couple go through several IVF cycles, which failed each time with great emotional trauma and subsequent relationship breakdown. They adopted instead, which is a completely different emotionally traumatic kettle of fish, but was successful for them.
Everyone's IVF story is different. I wonder it is possible to get counselling/more information from an IVF clinic if is she is seriously considering whether it is for her? Sounds like you are helping her well. More info might help her to work out what to decide.

[brimfull]

We refused IVF treatment when we were trying for our second child.
I think the fact it was our second child influenced the decision as I'd probably have gone ahead if I didn;t already have dd.

We tried for 4 years for dd(no,1 child).Eventually conceived with perganol.
Went through more treatment trying for no.2 for another 4 yrs.We decided against IVF as it was getting too stressful for us and we needed to get our life back.We felt blessed to have one child and frankly I had had enough .
Tbh it was a relief making that decision albeit sad at the same time.
We went on to conceive ds 10 yrs later naturally,so doubly blessed.

I think your friend will eventually come to her own decision.The medical intrusion on your body is hard to take at times ,so you really need to be happy with your motives etc.
I wish your friend all the luck in the world.

[wishing1]

I would have had a different opinion last summer but after trying for 6 months, I would do it right now if dh would, but he wants to try a while longer before we spend that kind of money. My best friend had it and they are having triplets and couldn't be more excited! It depends on how desperately you want a baby. Personally I would go through anything to have another, tell your df not to wait too long until she isn't a candidate anymore for ivf, being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world.

[BudaBauble]

Well I have one DS (5) who was conceived through IVF. Have just tried again but wasn't successful this time. Will try again in New Year but that will prob be last attempt (I am 42).

There are lots of magazine/newspapers articles that make out that IVF is very difficult. It can be for some people. But not all. I sailed through the first one with no probs whatsover.

And didn't have any probs as such with the second time either except that it didn't work.

Yes - it is hard at times. But every step along the treatment path may be taking you closer to the end result.

Please tell your friend to disregard the scaremongering portrayed by the media. I am not saying it is easy but it is not as difficult as it is made out sometimes.

Try googling "Zita West" - she is a midwife with a practice in Harley Street and is also into alternative therapies. She has a good book on fertilty which may help your friend.

Has she said what exactly it is about IVF that puts her off? Is it the process? Or is it that she feels she would be meddling with something she shouldn't?

[wannaBeOnTopOfTheChristmasTree]

I think that it?s very easy to sit on the sidelines and tell someone that they should ?go for IVF? when it isn?t you that?s in that situation. We?ve been ttc since May of last year with no success, my dh was recently diagnosed with a low sperm count so I know that realistically we won?t be able to have another baby naturally. But we?ve made the decision not to have IVF, in fact we made that decision before we started ttc for our ds ? if I couldn?t have a baby naturally then I would accept that, as hard a decision as that was to make, I feel that it is the right decision.

There are lots of people for whom IVF works first time, and brings that long waited for baby. But there are more for whom it doesn?t work. IVF is invasive, expensive, and there are no guarantees. When you?re ttc naturally it?s hard enough to wonder every month ?am I aren?t I?, but when it?s IVF IMO it must be so so much worse. Having to go through a sequence of injections, the invasive procedure of egg collection, embrio transfer, when you see your embrios, your potential children, on the screen before they are transferred back into your uterus, going home for two weeks to then be told that it wasn?t successful and that you?re not pregnant after all that must be completely soul destroying. And there is a higher chance of not getting pregnant through IVF than there is of getting pregnant (about 40% success rate at some clinics). And it is expensive. Up to £4000 a time if you go to the most reputable clinic. And once you?ve started down that road where do you stop? Where do you draw the line and say that it?s just not gong to happen and it?s time to give up? When you?ve been through 1? 2? 3 cycles? When you?ve had to remortgage your house to cover the costs? Not all health authorities fund IVF, and even those that do, most don?t fund unlimited IVF. I think once you enter down that road it?s so much harder to go back, because every cycle you must think that ?maybe this cycle will be the one?. I think your friend has shown tremendous courage for deciding not to have IVF, it is extremely hard to admit that you?re not able to have another baby and that you don?t feel you can go any further in your quest for a baby, I speak as someone who has had to resign myself to not having another baby and not going through invasive treatments.

I think that rather than trying to push your friend into IVF, you should show respect for the courage she has obviously shown in making this decision.

[wannaBeOnTopOfTheChristmasTree]

would also just like to add that I think that IVF is incredible, and that I have the greatest amount of admiration for anyone who goes through it - it just isn't for everyone

[Artoo]

The decision on whether to try IVF or not is a very personal one. For some people it is their only chance of a child of their own, but you also have to think about all that is involved. It's a very invasive procedure, it involves a LOT for the woman especially - daily injections, hormones all over the place. It's also an emotional journey for both woman and man, with great highs and lows.

DH and I are just about to start our first IVF cycle. To us it was a "no brainer" decision. We both desperately want a child of our own, and I know personally if I look back at my life in 10 years, and I hadn't given myself every chance for a natural child, I would be disappointed. I have done enough research to have an idea of what we will be facing over the next 2 months, but I don't think you can ever be fully prepared for it.

I am looking at this first IVF as a diagnostic and "trial run" over anything else. This is the only way we can prove that DH and I can produce fertilised embryos together. If this cycle is not successful (and there's a 75-80% chance it won't be), we'll be better informed to plan our next step.

If you can find a way of helping your friend work out the right decision for her, that will be the best thing you could do.

Hugs,
Artoo.

[drosophila]

My sister is in this situation and she decided having done research into the effect the drugs may have on you. I think she found information to link the treatment to cancer. She felt that little was known about it. I'mnot sure how badly she wanted a child as it's a difficult thing to ask.

I have another friend who at last count had 8 attempts (was successful at no 3 but wanted sibling) and she did mention to me that she knew it had a negative impact on her health but....

I also belive Paul Merton's wife was indergoing IVF and he blames her cancer on it.

[ImpatientElf]

We're also having this dilemma, and I can't quite put my finger on why but I really do not want to go for IVF. WannaBeTop summarised very well what I feel the process would be like, and I'm not sure I could face the stress of not just doing that but waiting to find out whether it comes to anything. It's hard enough on a normal month! Money is also an option: we would have to pay and we don't exactly have that cash, but ultimately if I wanted to do it I would find the money.

We do have one ds, and I think I could be content with having just him, although my preference would be to have more and for him to have siblings. However, because I'm gay, and dp conceived ds, we have another option, which is for her to try again. I'm much more in favour in doing this than me having IVF. I know I'm lucky here (ironic, really).

I have been trying for ages to figure out why I don't want IVF, and so strongly, but I haven't been able to. But I empathise with your friend who feels so reluctant. Ultimately, it is her body, and there are other options (she might not have a spare womb in her relationship, but there is adoption). Good luck to her.

[NoelNosey]

Thanks for all your responses.

Wannabe I really don't get why you think I'm trying to "push my friend into IVF". I thought I'd made it absolutely clear that far from pushing her in either direction, she's actually quite irritated with me because I won't push her one way or the other, because I have no idea what my feelings are about it and I'm being pretty useless to her as a sounding board.

I think her main reason for negativity is the "putting your life on hold" aspect of IVF. This is the only thing, thinking about it, that she has been quite specific about as a negative. That thing of where do you stop, at what stage do you give up the ghost, is a big issue for her. As she says, going through IVF could just put her through the disappointment every month of not being pregnant and at the same time, delay her coming to terms with not having a child. But she's also scared of giving up too soon and her GP's comment about people regreting the things they haven't done, not the things they have, is haunting her, I think.