Deceptive TTC :( I'm being crazy

[AliceScarlett]

I am currently using contraception. But I toy with the idea of coming off it, not telling DH and seeing what happens :( I know that is awful and selfish and wrong and a massive breach of trust. I know it could ruin everything, I don't want to do it and I doubt I will. But I want too. And thats awful.

We are both 30, financially OK, social support isn't too bad. Physically fine, mental health good, but hasn't been great in the past and because of that we have decided to wait until I'm 32 to have a good few years of stability behind us. I know logically and sensibly waiting is for the best. But there is this whole other part of me that is convinced I'm infertile (all female family members have either not concieved/adopted or it took an insane amount of time, 17 years for my mum, I've been a bit lax in the past with contraception and nothing) and I just don't think I have the luxury of time. Ive always wanted children since I was about 15, I can't get to 35-36 having tried for 3 years, i just can't.

I know I can't predict anything and could fall pregnant in a month but I'm just so convinced it could easily take years that I want to start now to give myself a fighting chance.

Clearly I need to speak to DH. This sounds so awful but I'm not doing so because I know if I did he would keep a closer eye on me using contraception . Ugh, i really hate myself for this. Please tell me to stop flirting with this horrendously immoral idea I have that is borne out of fear and impatience. Fear and impatience are not excuses to take someones choice away and bring a child into the world. How would I feel if he had the snip without telling me?!

[DelphiStar]

Having a child will not fix your relationship

[AliceScarlett]

What? Where in my post did I say my relationship needed fixing?

Cold light of day this morning and I'm ashamed I posted about it. I won't do it. Going to find a good time to talk to DH this week.

[Trickytricky]

Would it be worth going to see a fertility doctor to give you both a bit of an MOT? Then you would know whether waiting for another 2 years is a good idea.

[plonkie]

OP I dunno why pp said that about your relationship either.

I think you've already convinced yourself it's a bad idea :-). Just to help cement that thought- I understand the way you feel but wouldn't it be wonderful if you went to your partner and told him all of your fears, and he agreed with ttc early. You'd be doing the morally right thing and would feel fantastic and supported rather than dodgy!

Hope you get the response you want, good luck :-)

[MummyBex1985]

Alice maybe the point is that there's something seriously wrong with your relationship to want to deceive your DH in that way. I don't mean to be harsh, but it's a huge decision that you should both make.

There's also no evidence that infertility is hereditary - there's no reason you can't conceive straight away just because there's a family history there.

I'm glad you decided to talk to him - definitely the right course of action. But if he doesn't want a child, please don't trap him into it. It isn't fair.

Best of luck to you with the chat

[sizethree]

I think it's fine to have those thoughts and well done for voicing them. I think it's refreshing you're so honest!
That train of thought comes from a kind of rational place though.
TTC can be massively stressful and have a negative impact on your relationship - scheduling sex to coincide with fertile days, the disappointment each month you don't get a positive, getting a positive and sadly mid trying, seeing smug couples around you popping out babies no worries.
It's an emotional minefield to embark on and it's normal to need to process thoughts of mixed thoughts and emotions surrounding it.
I'd suggest you get a nice bottle if wine and dinner and sit down with your partner and have an honest conversation about how you want to embark on TTC.
I certainly had no idea how tricky it could be and having open conversations with my DH about both of our stresses and concerns really helped.
Don't beat yourself up!

[AliceScarlett]

Good idea about having a fertility MOT, didn't know that was possible!

Thanks so much everyone for not flaming me. I didn't know fertility wasn't hereditary, makes sense when you think about it as no one would have babies to send the infertile genes too!

Your right it would be wonderful if he agreed, would also be much more wonderful to do it together (stressful, but fun).

Thank you everyone x

[SockQueen]

Word of warning - a "fertility MOT" will almost certainly have to be private, they won't do investigations on the NHS if you haven't been trying at all. And if you're on hormonal contraception then some of the results can be misleading anyway.

Glad you have realised the need to be sensible, hope you manage to have a good chat with your DH.