stopping ttc

(17 Posts)
girlinterrupted2 Wed 16-Apr-14 23:46:35

Looking for support/ advice. DH and I have been ttc for three months. Because we are going through a rough patch, this is now on indefinite pause, and I find that very hard. Please share similar experiences. How good does your relationship have to be to ttc? Is it ok to feel this sense of loss, when you haven't actually lost anything? I worry about the future, whether we will have children together, whether I will have children if we split up (just turned 30). It had become a big part of my/our reality, has always been something very important to me (having a family) and even though he doesn't seem as affected, I feel my sense of who I am, and where we are going, has been very shaken.

MrsGingerbread Thu 17-Apr-14 03:16:10

Hello,

I'm far from a relationship expert but I didn't want to read and not leave you a message.

I can completely understand that feelings of loss that could come with stopping ttc. It becomes a big part of your life very quickly and will leave a hole.

girlinterrupted2 Thu 17-Apr-14 03:56:22

That's very sweet, MrsGingerbread. I feel that ttc creates a space for that future DC in a family (even if just a mental one), and your attitude to your relationship, your own body, and your future, changes, so I do find it very hard to have to say goodbye to these things, especially because I don't know if/when we will start again. If find that it is a big decision when you decide to have a DC, and taking a step back feels a little unnatural (in my case at least), even though I suppose rationally it makes sense to stop and think if you're in a difficult situation relationship-wise.
Thank you for your kind words.

MrsGingerbread Thu 17-Apr-14 06:19:13

Yes, you are right. The 'theoretical' dc is mentioned quite often by us, marking their place in the future family. So stopping thinking about that would be very difficult.

I believe there is a relationship thread on mumsnet too, have you popped on to that at all? They might have some more help?

mrshjb Thu 17-Apr-14 06:38:59

Morning, I'm not in a similar situation to you, but I've thought about stopping TTC for a month a few times just to take the pressure off a bit, but I've never ended up doing it because I think once you start it's really difficult to stop. I think you spend so much time thinking about what it would be like to have a child and imagining getting your BFP etc, so I can totally understand the sense of loss you're feeling. But on the other hand, having a baby looks to be really really hard work and it puts a test on even the strongest of relationships, so I think you're doing the right thing if your relationship is going through a rough patch. The last thing you need whilst pregnant is to be unsure of your relationship. I totally understand you worrying about what would happen if you split up and your future potential for having kids, but maybe also think about whether you'd want to be a single Mum and also bring a child into that kind of situation. On a positive note, maybe stopping TTC will take the pressure off, and you and your DH could spend a few months really working on getting your relationship back on track?

Inshock73 Thu 17-Apr-14 07:28:14

I couldn't read and run...

If you and DH do split you are only 30! You have plenty of time to meet someone else and start a family. My friends didn't start having children until their mid/late 30's, some may consider that too long to wait, but I'm just trying to show there's no need to panic and ttc in a relationship that is on the rocks. Ttc puts a huge stress on a relationship especially if it doesn't happen straight away. You also need to consider a few other things, I know it's hard but your DH feelings do count as well as yours, if he doesn't want to ttc whilst you're going through a rough patch he's being responsible rather than unreasonable. Maybe he's worried what will happen if the rough patch continues and you end separated with a baby. I know it's tough but you have plenty of time to start a family, years in fact, I would work on the rough patch first.

Btw - Just about everyone I know had a little melt down when they turned 30 about where they were going, are they in the right relationship, do they want/will they have children etc...

girlinterrupted2 Thu 17-Apr-14 17:21:05

Hello ladies,
Thanks for your messages.
MrsGingerbread - I will check it out, thanks!
mrshjb - I'm sorry ttc has been stressful for you, and yes, it does feel very strange to stop once you've made that decision together. I hope things turn out well for you!
In my case, issues weren't brought on by ttc - it was going well actually, we weren't stressing about it, I was just happy because have wanted a DC for so long ; it's some other, more long-term relationship issues that have caught up with us, and which DH feels means we should stop and focus more on us right now.
I feel powerless because so many things have changed so abruptly in a few days, and the sense of security and future I had are gone. But you're right, this is of course the most important thing to focus on right now (and ... maybe I should take that to the relationship thread instead wink )
Inshock73, of course you're right, I know this is the responsible thing to do, there are two of us in this, and the future of potential DC to consider, but I was just expressing what it feels like, and how I am struggling at the moment. I understand what you are saying though.
I suppose I'm also not an idealist, and maybe I'm wrong but I don't believe there is a perfect couple. I tend to think ours is a good enough and loving enough place to raise a DC, and it's hard to find that DH disagrees. I talk to friends and see that their relationships are not perfect either while he keeps more to himself and has perhaps greater expectations ?
Anyway, thank you all for your suggestions, and for the reality check wink A bit hard to keep a cool head in times of crisis.
Good luck with ttc for those of you who are! I hope we work things out and I can join the club again ...

Inshock73 Thu 17-Apr-14 19:01:49

girlinterrupted I'm sorry if my words hit a little hard. I do understand how you feel I was in a similar situation, I turned 30 in a relationship of 10 years which sadly started to fall apart and the thought of being in my 30's single, without the home I'd owned for 7 years and all the plans that went with it was too much for me and I completely fell apart....looking back I realise it was a hard time but I'm now very happy so just trying to say should it happen (and I hope it doesn't) you're still young enough to have all the things you want in the future.

As someone who's been through a m/c and ttc for 9 months it really can test the strongest of relationships and make you question whether it's what you really want.

Hope it works out for you x

girlinterrupted2 Thu 17-Apr-14 20:12:38

Thanks Inshock73! And don't worry, I really appreciate honest advice, and it's always good to hear what others think.
I'm glad things turned out well for you relationship-wise ; really sorry for your loss though, it must be very hard sad I hope you feel better and get a BFP!
My situation sounds similar to what you went through - also together for almost a decade, and the big bump is hitting me hard, especially because we had committed to a future together (recently married, and ttc), so the timing feels strange, with people around us also thinking we're the perfect couple, about to deliver grandchild/nephew... But I'm hopeful. As you say and experienced yourself, things feel much darker when you're right in the middle of it than when you look back. I hope I can soon look back - and forward smile

MissHobart Thu 17-Apr-14 20:26:50

18 months ago my friend didn't have a bf and had spent years worrying she'd never find anyone or have a family, she is now married and due a baby in June. She's 35 this year.

I've been with my OH 11 years, married 1 and are still ttc our first. I'm 34 this year.

Just a couple of stories to put things in perspective OP, if your relationship isn't right, it's best to hold off ttc (in my opinion). You have plenty of time! Oh how I hate those words! hmm But they're true! smile

This could also just be a blip where ttc has made "growing up" a reality for your OH and he's having a bit of a wobble! I've been ready for kids for many years but had to wait for OH to be ready to start trying which took a while! hmm

Best of luck! smile

MissHobart Thu 17-Apr-14 20:31:36

I made it clear to OH that as soon as we were married we would be ttc, so I had to wait a bit longer for both, maybe your OH thought marriage would be enough of a grown up step for a while? I know we'd have probably married earlier if I'd wanted to wait a few years after to ttc!

girlinterrupted2 Thu 17-Apr-14 21:04:32

Thanks for the perspective MissHobart ! it feels good to hear these happy stories smile and different experiences.
And yes, maybe on a less conscious level, ttc is affecting DH, making him feel our issues are worse than they are, because he's now seeing them in a new light, that of being responsible for a potential DC's happiness. Which I can't blame him for...
I suppose it's all about striking a balance between accepting what we have as good enough (not comparing yourself to absurd movie-type ideals or thinking the couple next door always have it better), and realistically improving what can/should be improved, facing up to the reality of having a DC, and how strong you have to be to provide a stable and caring environment.
Best of luck to you too!

girlinterrupted2 Tue 22-Apr-14 02:41:37

Hey there, I don't know if you're still following this thread, but I have some not so happy news. We were at the end of our 3rd month of ttc when I wrote my last message, and because I felt very PMS-like, I really did not expect another outcome than AF turning out on Friday. After feeling a bit funny, and being a day late, I had a hpt, which turned out faintly positive... Same thing on Saturday morning, faint positive with a regular clearblue, and then still Saturday morning, I got a "pregnant 1/2 weeks" with a clearblue digital. After the initial shock/worry, DH was actually happy, and we had a nice, close weekend, when we discussed how to improve our issues together, what progress we were making, etc.
Started bleeding this morning (Monday), and hasn't stopped all day sad. My obgyn had me do a blood test, and I'll have another one in 48h (Wednesday) to check my hcg levels, and whether they're rising properly, but I can really feel it in my body that it's over. I know I only had three days to get a little excited and chemical pregnancies/very early mc happen because it's not viable, but I still find it hard, and what makes me sadder is that DH told me tonight he doesn't want us trying again soon after that, because what he said before still holds. I find it very hard to hear that in these circumstances, especially because after his reaction to the positive hpt, I really believed he had changed his mind about the whole thing.
I'm sorry to be moaning - I know some people are in much worse situations here, but we're not telling our friends about the situation, and I feel really isolated in dealing with this...

Hibou7688 Tue 22-Apr-14 07:54:02

I just stumbled across your thread and read because I'm stopping ttc after this month too, but because financially, I cannot afford for my maternity leave to fall in the summer holidays (I'm a teacher). So different reasons to you, but I still feel a sense of loss, made worse by the fact that oh just doesn't 'get' this ttc. He must be the only bloke who thinks sex every other day is a bad thing and it's really upset me last night. (Got a flashing smiley on clear blue digi and didn't dtd). Just posted this on another thread too to see if iabu or not by getting so upset about it.

I can understand the sense of loss you feel, and it must be worse now you've experienced a bfp. Oh and I had a rough patch just after xmas, we're better now. I think we should stop ttc and focus on us but I know a baby is what I really want so I understand and know it's a rubbish time sad

Inshock73 Tue 22-Apr-14 09:09:08

So sorry to hear your news girlinterrupted there are many women on here who have experienced mc, I had one at 9 weeks, sadly they're far more common than I realised. I really don't think men feel the same sense of loss as us ladies do, I think having a baby doesn't truly become a reality for a lot of men until it's actually born. I know when I had my mc it upset me for months whereas I think my DP was over it within a day or two.

Don't lose hope. Your DH was pleased when it happened which is a good sign, it's just the timing was wrong. It sounds like he still wants to work on your rough patch which isn't a bad thing. Look at it this way, would you rather be pregnant with the added pressure of going through a rough patch and all the mixed emotions that would bring for both of you or would you rather be in a better place in your relationship and able to enjoy your pregnancy and both be excited?

xx

girlinterrupted2 Tue 22-Apr-14 13:49:13

Thank you both very much for your messages.
Hibou7688, I understand it must be hard for you too - I can see how having the usual fertility signs and not being able to dtd must feel like a waste... (I'll get a taste of that next month) I hope your dh is more supportive - from what I've read around here, they often have different emotional responses from us, and that can be difficult. Hopefully all will turn out well when you can resume dtd!

Inshock, thank you so much for the support xx 9 weeks must be so hard... No wonder you needed time to properly recover. I had promised myself I would not get too excited, because I know early mc are common, and my mother had so many... but of course the thoughts just kept rushing after those bfp, and I'm surprised at how sad I could feel after even just a few days of testing positive. Anyway, like you said, there is hope on the DH front, so I'll try to keep my chin up - maybe next time circumstances will be better, as will outcome!

impatientlywaiting14 Sun 27-Apr-14 23:11:26

Hi girlinterrupted2

I Don't know if your still about, I also stumbled across your post as considering taking a break from ttc (although only been ttc for 3 cycles!) as have been having the same issues as Hibou7688

So sorry to hear of your loss. ttc in itself can feel very isolating without the added sadness of experiencing a mc no matter how early sad

I really hope you are feeling in a little bit of a better place since your last post and have made a little progress in your relationship

xxxx

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