Hi,
Does anyone here suffer from mental health issues and want join me??? As personally I think there is a need for this as (being an avid reader of the ttc boards since starting to ttc last year (5/6 months)) I have been struck with how resilient/positive/brave/even humourous people come across, whereas I (in the space of 5/6 months) have almost had a complete meltdown.
I think that ttc has stirred up all my old anxieties/fears/depression etc and I feel that I am finding the process even harder than it needs to be. On top of this I read early on that stress and 'trying' is counterproductive which sent me into a tailspin...
To give some context, my background is as follows:
- Age 34, DH is 50!! (was I looking for a father figure - prob. My dad died 10 years ago)
- Been together 10 years
- I spent past 6 years trying to persuade him to ttc (long story about why he didn't want to. He has no other kids however).
- Previously I have been diagnosed with depression/anxiety/panic disorder/social phobia/PMDD (severe form of PMT)/also symptoms of OCD.
- Was on fluoexetine for 8 years quite successfully but came off to ttc/then went on again cos couldn't cope/then back off has got back side effects
And my normal coping skills are no longer available/working:
- I can't do denial like I would have with something else (e.g. not getting a promotion at work) - i.e. I can't hibernate/stop trying because husband has ED and so there is no chance of 'happy accidents' and so everything has to be 'timed'.
- I can't go out drinking or stuffing my face with chocolate as that is not conducive to ttc
- I can't throw money at it particularly (Got acupuncture and massage for a few weeks but at £40 a go it is expensive)
- Talking therapies don't seem to be helping (I see a mind body therapist and a hypnotherapist)
- Self help books not helping either
- Basically nothing is helping!!
My issues seem to be compulsively going round my head: i.e. have I left too late for a trouble free conception/is there an underlying issue with one or both of us?/why wasn't I more assertive with DH and let him delay me for 6 years (this makes me so angry tbh).
My OCD is also coming out and I am addicted to the internet (searching for IVF success rates/costs at clinics) and projecting doom into the future.
I know that all these actions/thoughts at this stage are 'irrational' but believe that my longstanding mental health issues are really at the heart of the issue and that I would love to be able to 'pull my socks up' and be more positive!!
Anyway, enough of the personal backstory/rant...
I just really wanted to know that I'm not alone and that others with MH issues are out there and can empathise/or that we could support one another without being flamed for being negative/irrational??