Anyone TTC#1 and has mental health issues? (sorry long)

(34 Posts)
crashbandicoot Wed 12-Feb-14 15:17:43

Hi,

Does anyone here suffer from mental health issues and want join me??? As personally I think there is a need for this as (being an avid reader of the ttc boards since starting to ttc last year (5/6 months)) I have been struck with how resilient/positive/brave/even humourous people come across, whereas I (in the space of 5/6 months) have almost had a complete meltdown.

I think that ttc has stirred up all my old anxieties/fears/depression etc and I feel that I am finding the process even harder than it needs to be. On top of this I read early on that stress and 'trying' is counterproductive which sent me into a tailspin...

To give some context, my background is as follows:

- Age 34, DH is 50!! (was I looking for a father figure - prob. My dad died 10 years ago)
- Been together 10 years
- I spent past 6 years trying to persuade him to ttc (long story about why he didn't want to. He has no other kids however).
- Previously I have been diagnosed with depression/anxiety/panic disorder/social phobia/PMDD (severe form of PMT)/also symptoms of OCD.
- Was on fluoexetine for 8 years quite successfully but came off to ttc/then went on again cos couldn't cope/then back off has got back side effects

And my normal coping skills are no longer available/working:

- I can't do denial like I would have with something else (e.g. not getting a promotion at work) - i.e. I can't hibernate/stop trying because husband has ED and so there is no chance of 'happy accidents' and so everything has to be 'timed'.
- I can't go out drinking or stuffing my face with chocolate as that is not conducive to ttc
- I can't throw money at it particularly (Got acupuncture and massage for a few weeks but at £40 a go it is expensive)
- Talking therapies don't seem to be helping (I see a mind body therapist and a hypnotherapist)
- Self help books not helping either
- Basically nothing is helping!!

My issues seem to be compulsively going round my head: i.e. have I left too late for a trouble free conception/is there an underlying issue with one or both of us?/why wasn't I more assertive with DH and let him delay me for 6 years (this makes me so angry tbh).

My OCD is also coming out and I am addicted to the internet (searching for IVF success rates/costs at clinics) and projecting doom into the future.

I know that all these actions/thoughts at this stage are 'irrational' but believe that my longstanding mental health issues are really at the heart of the issue and that I would love to be able to 'pull my socks up' and be more positive!!

Anyway, enough of the personal backstory/rant...

I just really wanted to know that I'm not alone and that others with MH issues are out there and can empathise/or that we could support one another without being flamed for being negative/irrational??

naty1 Wed 12-Feb-14 18:34:30

Would it be possible to pay for a SA privately (maybe £80ish)

Treaclepie19 Wed 12-Feb-14 18:40:22

I suffer from anxiety. I am already finding TTC is flaring my anxiety again.

crashbandicoot Thu 13-Feb-14 13:43:47

Hi Naty - thanks for the suggestion. Yeah, it might allay my fears (or make them worse).

Treaclepie - hope you are able to find a way to keep your equilibrium. I went to an anxiety/depression support group last night and that helped as I realised that this is long standing issue and ttc anxiety is just another manifestation of my overall depression/anxiety in general.

Spotti Thu 13-Feb-14 15:39:35

Treacle I swear we are internet twins! I too suffer with anxiety and depression...personally I think it's more likely BPD (borderline personality disorder - kind of a mix of Bipolar and mild Schizophrenia) but the doctors are rubbish and would rather just label me as 'anxiety/depression' and leave it at that...can't really be bothered to hassle them to get a proper diagnosis as, for now at least, I'm managing to manage myself. TTC is pretty stressful and I am making a conscious effort to NOT make a conscious effort when it comes to keeping tabs on everything that's happening (does that even make sense?) because I know that I can be a control freak at the best of times and when things aren't controllable then it makes me stressed! This is my reason for avoiding things like OPKs and ICs - I KNOW I will get obsessed if I go down this route so I'm really hoping that the JSing approach will bring me a BFP before I feel the need to try something else.

Anywho, OH is a superstar, and my pony and doggy help me a lot (Oscar, dog, has been sort of trained by me to act an emotional support dog - he senses when I need cuddles and refuses to budge until I'm feeling better). You lot are helping to keep me sane -or insane, but group insane lol and making me realise that it's not just me who is going through all of his. We are not alone, and that, for me, is really helpful smile.

How are you feeling today Crash?

Treaclepie19 Thu 13-Feb-14 18:45:12

Thanks crash

spotti amazing! You're not a teacher too are you? Haha.

Spotti Thu 13-Feb-14 19:29:33

I was in training...had to take a break from my PGCE (Physics) though due to having a really tough year last year Grandad passed away, mum was diagnosed with bowel cancer, I was told I was depressed (like you really need telling when you feel that rubbish <pulls "derrrr" face> - basically uni got too much for me and had to go. Not sure if I want to go back...currently just enjoying doing things that make me happy - which was my doctors recommendation, but also acts as a 'get out of jail free' card to wriggle out of anything that I don't particularly want to do :p. Pony and doggy and potential foster doggy (police dog puppy or a guide dog puppy) are 'happy' things. TTC is also 'happy', albeit a little stressful! OH is awesome too. Would love to have a baby Spotti to add to my list of happy things...

Treaclepie19 Thu 13-Feb-14 20:12:01

So sorry to hear of your tough time. I very nearly didn't get through uni, somehow managed it but finding my job a lot to handle while ttc.

Glad your oh is supportive smile My dh is also. Dont know where i would be without him.

crashbandicoot Fri 14-Feb-14 09:25:12

Treacle and Spotti Sorry to hear you've both had difficult times but glad that you are focussing on the positive... this is what we must do!!! I also had to drop out of a course as well... thought I was never going to be able to get preg with all the stress. It's kind of left me at a loose end though - not enough else other than TTC to occupy my thoughts.

I'm also totally addicted to the internet... keep reading worst case scenarios.... why do I do this to myself???

Spotti my dog Molly like an emotional support dog know I come to think of it!! She is glued to my lap most of the time and gives great huggles!!! So blessed to have her...

crashbandicoot Fri 14-Feb-14 09:26:19

apologies for typos - brain not working this morning...

Treaclepie19 Sat 15-Feb-14 23:47:03

I'm the same... Worrying already about ectopic pregnany before even getting a bfp. Im worried i wont cope with it...

alizeeod Sun 16-Feb-14 12:36:43

Hey just about to start ttc1 and I suffer from depression and anxiety. I'm 27. I attempted suicide last year and spent 48 hours on a ward but doing much better thanks to antidepressants, seeing a therapist and having an amazingly supportive dp!
I feel a pregnancy could be tough for me emotionally but I really want children and it'll all be worth it in the end.
Good luck with it all. Happy to be in contact throughout for mutual support. X

crashbandicoot Sun 16-Feb-14 14:57:48

mutual support sounds great smile i have just started reading a book about OCD as i think my obsessive thinking is now bordering on it. hopefully some self knowledge of how to treat this will help.

take care and hope you all have a relaxing sunday.x

alizeeod Sun 16-Feb-14 15:58:23

You too. Let me know how you get on. I'll be following this post! X

DoctorDonnaNoble Sun 16-Feb-14 16:05:30

Can I join in too. I've had to admit that it's difficult for me. After years of thinking I was ok and dealing (used to self-harm). I was all proud of myself for not cutting but since realised that after a BFN drinking until I cry and smoking was also self-harm sad
It's particularly difficult as one of the things I did to address my depression years ago was go on the pill - which moderated it a little.
I had a MMC in December and it really threw me and pushed me back a bit. Oh well, AF is here now so I'm running through the depression instead and hoping for the best for next month!

alizeeod Sun 16-Feb-14 18:05:15

We could support eachother and go through this journey together on this thread?
I haven't actually started TTC. I don't want to stop my pill mid-pack and so have to wait another 10 days, then have my bleed and wait for my natural cycle to return.
Also I started taking the pill for acne which was ruining my life and I'm scared coming off it will mean my acne returning and struggling with self esteem issues but having a baby is more important right now.
Good luck ladies. Hugs!
Any of you STAYING on antidepressants through your pregnancy? I am planning on it, am on Citalopram 20mg and GP seems to think its fine in pregnancy x

lollydollydrop Sun 16-Feb-14 18:39:34

I have a long (10 year, I'm 28) history of eating disorders (and associated depression/anxiety) so I am duly petrified of ever being pregnant and having a child and all that goes with it in terms of impact on routine, exercise, diet etc.

I started years ago saving money so that I could have a tummy tuck afterwards if I have kids..

My periods stopped for 4 years when I first became sick, then they came back so I don't think I have done lasting damage- I hope

crashbandicoot Mon 17-Feb-14 11:27:58

Hi lolly, alizeeod and Doctor, glad you would like to join.. I am more happy to keep this thread going to help our respective sanity smile TTC 'should' be such a positive, forward looking thing but it's so hard when old demons appear (eg depression, anxiety, OCD).

alizeeod I think your GP is right - I wouldn't recommend changing medication at this point as it add an extra emotional stress at a time when it's not helpful. I wouldn't have come off prozac if it hadn't been giving me palpitations 24/7.

Doctor I know what you mean about the pill. I suffer from PMDD (severe PMT) and the pill helped. But I have since spoken to a nutritionist who says that PMT/PMDD may be because of excess estrogen in my system and I should tackle this through diet instead. I'm still to see her, but that's the plan. Apparently diet is important when ttc anyway. I am also having a hormone test to see what my estrogen levels are and also an adrenalin/cortisol test to confirm how stressed I am... (should be interesting!)

lolly most of the women I know have eventually got the same figure (or better) than before they gave birth... hoping that's the case but I don't actually care about my figure all that much tbh. I just want my body to "work" (i.e. be healthy enough to conceive and carry a child).

Anyway, I will fill you in on the OCD book I'm reading, it think there could be some useful strategies in it.

Hope Monday goes ok everyone smile.

crashbandicoot Mon 17-Feb-14 11:34:48

Doctor So sorry to hear about your MMC and your subsequent depression. Have you found anything you can do to help you deal with AF arriving that doesn't involve smoking and drinking?

Maybe crying/bath/nice meal/chocolate is the best we can do?

Incidentally prozac stops me from crying which I think is a bad thing because apparently crying releases oxytocin which is self healing hormone... Crying (in moderation) is good I think...

DoctorDonnaNoble Mon 17-Feb-14 13:38:50

I do like a good cry - but I can cry at absolutely anything!
I went to my Hatton Academy Boxing class for the first time since November (it was the first exercise class to go due the risk of getting punched in the stomach by accident!) and it was bloody marvellous. The lady who takes the class, who used to PT me, had to partner me and said I was punching much harder than usual :D

crashbandicoot Tue 18-Feb-14 10:26:41

Wow... boxing does sound great!!

Need to try it...

DoctorDonnaNoble Tue 18-Feb-14 10:30:06

I'd recommend a Hatton Academy class if there's any near you. It's brilliant cardio, and you can end up feeling so much better.

alizeeod Wed 19-Feb-14 07:39:27

Hi ladies!
Forgot to mention that my GP said there were special services for moms to be or moms who suffer from depression and other mental health problems. It's free on the NHS so it might be worth asking your own GP!

Lindalove Wed 19-Feb-14 14:08:57

Hey there. I've just turned 38 and finally feel mentally ready to TTC. I have had agoraphobia and panic disorder for most of my life and now take Sertraline which I am sticking on during pregnancy as would prefer to be less anxious for the sake of everyone including any potential baby.

Generally though I find I deal with day to day stresses best my using mindfulness. Its using meditation techniques without any reference to Buddhism. Anyway check this out and have a look. bemindful.co.uk/

You can go on mindfulness courses or a cheap way is to buy a book such as this and read it/listen to the CD/audio www.amazon.co.uk/Mindful-Way-through-Depression-Unhappiness-ebook/dp/B007T9FZRS/

Excellent stuff that helps you to be in the moment and realise your thoughts, whatever they are, aren't YOU they are thoughts so you don't have to always react to them. If I manage to get pregnant, I will certainly be teaching my baby about being mindful as my agoraphobia is in part genetic so would like to give them coping skills early on should they have the same issues as me.

Weegiemum Wed 19-Feb-14 14:13:07

I saw this just thought I'd pop in. Not ttc - I'm actually through the menopause and have a teenager and 2 slightly younger.

I was off previous meds when I had dd1 but was back on sertraline 10 days after she was born. I took it and bf and then had 2 pregnancies on it with bf afterwards.

Hanging mh issues really doesn't stop you having dc, and I wish you the very best xx

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