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So broody but DH just isn't sure....

10 replies

Tranquilitybaby · 29/01/2014 11:35

Maybe I should just get the hint, but I just can't adage the yearning I have for no. 3. DH has said he's thinking about it, but it's been forever now and I can't help keep asking if he's thought anymore every few days. I'm guessing it's a no as surely if he did want to he would know by now. I'm just afraid that he doesn't to say as he doesn't want to hurt me.

He's almost 40 and our kids are 12 & 9 so yes it would be a big gap, but I'm fine with that. He's saying he never wanted to be an older dad and it's putting him off.

I don't want to push him but I feel like this year is now or never.

Anyone else going through this or have been through and what did you do? It's in my mind all the time. We have a great relationship and I don't want to ruin that, but the feelings are so strong.

X

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Tranquilitybaby · 29/01/2014 11:36

*adage? That should say shake!

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ThoraNomiki · 29/01/2014 12:02

Unfortunately this is one of those situations where there is no compromise.
The usual replies on these threads are mostly "whoever wants fewer children trumps the one who wants more". Then there's the "do you feel more strongly that you want another child or that you would like to stay in your current relationship" and also "didn't you agree on number of children before you got married?!" (as if people can't change their minds over time)

You need to sit down as a couple and have a proper discussion about it, the pros and cons, each of your feelings on the matter, each of you need to listen to the other. Try to make it an open discussion rather than a heated argument. He will have valid points and so will you. Neither of you are wrong here.

I know that in a few years my DH and I will probably be having the same issue. I'd love 3 he wants to stop at 2. I'd resent having to just go along with what he wants, as if he's in charge, but I'd also hate to 'nag' him into having a child he doesn't want. No child should have to be born unwanted by one of it's parents

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busyDays · 29/01/2014 14:44

I'm having the same problem so totally know how you feel! Dh says he wants no. 3 but only at some distant and hazy future date that I can't even begin to pin down. We even bought a 4 bedroom house with the intention of having one more child but now the room is standing empty. I have been broody for some time already but recently the feeling has become really strong. I keep seeing pregnant women and babies and feel so jealous. Dh doesn't like talking about it and says I'm nagging which drives me insane!! I wish he would just make up his mind and give me a straight answer.

I also feel it is this year or never. My youngest is starting school in September and I have been thinking about going back to work if I'm not pregnant or at least ttc by the end of the year. I've become pregnant before by accident as dh sometimes forgets to pull out and get a condom (sorry if too much detail) so I'm kind of hoping that might happen again. I wouldn't trick him into getting pregnant but hey, it's not my fault if he forgets and I'm certainly not going to remind him!

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Coffeechocolate · 29/01/2014 16:29

Hi Tranquility, I've been umming and ahhing for years about whether we should have a third or not, although if I'm truthful, I always new we would end up trying. We have ds who is 10 and dd who is 8 so it would be quite a gap.
Dh does not want a third. On my 38th birthday I suddenly realised that it's now or never, and the desire for a third child hit me quite suddenly and quite desperately. Dh was adament, we'd have to move (we wouldn't) what if its a multiple birth (well...).
I think men are sometimes more practical about things, that's certainly the case for us. He's being sensible after all. Mine is, perhaps, a kind of mid life crisis! But as I said, I have always wanted at least three (after all I'm the third of three) where as dh is happy with two (he's the second of two). I got incredibly down about it and didn't even want to look at poor dh, let alone poor my heart out. I did though and he agreed that we could try (who knows if we even could, these things are never guaranteed) but he remains reluctant, even if he did admit it would be nice to have a baby!
I think I would have been unbearable if he hadn't agreed and I know I would have resented him had he denied me the chance to at least try.
Perhaps if your dh knew how profoundly important it is to you, he will give it some serious thought.
Good luck.

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ADifferentKindOfMum · 29/01/2014 16:57

Your DH might just come around by himself. I suggested number 3 over a year sgo. He was absolutely adamant but I asked a couple more times. Then I dropped it. In september he suddenly announced he really wanted to go for it!
It is extremely hard I agree and i do feel for you. I didn't want my dh to think our family's happiness hung on another baby really.

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Cakecrumbsinmybra · 29/01/2014 17:05

WE are the same as adifferentkind, in that I started talking about it a year ago and he was completely adamant that there would be no baby no.3. He came up with every reason why not, most of which I agreed with. Six months later he decided he would like to try. However 6 months later, I am still not pg (am 38), so he might get his original wish after all. I don't think there is anything you can do other than discuss the pros and cons together and give the each person space to think about it.

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Cakecrumbsinmybra · 29/01/2014 17:06

I forgot to say that I did agree that I would do all night duty unless I was desperately tired and this made a big difference to him, as one of his concerns was that he could not manage his job anymore with very little sleep. he seemed to forget that I had bf'd DS2 for more than a year so had done all the night duty anyway!

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MissHobart · 29/01/2014 20:51

I always wanted two but since ttc I've now realised I want three! Not mentioned this to OH! We've not had one yet!

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Grumbliest · 29/01/2014 21:04

Me too , I want a third but my dh is not totally willing and I threw an emotional strop last week so he half heartedly agreed but I want him to really love the idea too. I had 2ds who's 6 and 18 month old..so don't want a massive gap. My dh said if we won the lottery he would be on board, he is thinking practically and me with my heart

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Tranquilitybaby · 29/01/2014 22:09

It's not just me then! It's reassuring to know I must admit although for you all too.

I'm a firm believer in you live to regret the things you didn't do rather than those you did and I think this will be one of those times.

We've been together for 20 years and we've always got on so well and and have wanted the same things. Until now. This is what unsettles me, it's a very strange feeling.