Donor IUI?

(203 Posts)
MinnieMooMoo Wed 09-Oct-13 15:12:27

Hello! Just looking for a group/quiche to join but not really sure where I fit it.

I'm intending to go it alone and have Donor Insemination by IUI starting in January providing my investigations all come back clear.

Any one else in the same boat, or has done it alone in the past?

MinnieMooMoo Tue 29-Oct-13 21:13:56

Thursday! I'm very excited! It's all starting to feel very real now as I've been discussing it with other people.

Feeling a bit worried that I didn't lose enough weight for the consultation as I'm so very nearly on the cusp of BMI 35 and if my scales are out and theirs are completely different it could take me over! Gah! And I might be an inch shorter than I think I am!

How's everyone else doing?

Frightchen Wed 30-Oct-13 12:46:21

I'm now on my full contingent of 4 pills a day; 3 metformin and one seven seas trying for a baby. The metformin seems to have shrunk my appetite, whilst requiring me to eat 3 (small) meals a day as the tablets need to be taken after food. I'm hoping this will lead to some gradual weight loss, just through not snacking/over-eating like I used to. Also I'm making the most of my lunch hours at work and getting out of the office and walking about, which is better than previous weeks where I've just driven to the local shops and back.

Baby-wise, am just waiting to see if I ovulate this month. I'm not sure I've been on the metformin long enough for it to be fully working, so won't be too disappointed if I'm not. Am taking my temperature first thing, and using OPKs in the evenings, so will hopefully get some sort of indication as to whether or not things are running normally yet.

Shall keep my fingers crossed for you tomorrow that the consultation goes well, and that their scales are forgiving!

CynthiaRose Wed 30-Oct-13 14:10:25

Good luck with the consultation, Minnie. Let is know how you get on.

MinnieMooMoo Wed 30-Oct-13 14:48:41

That's great Frightchen fingers crossed for some weight loss!

I use an app called MyDaysX for recording periods/temps, are you using an app?

Thanks CynthiaRose! Will report back to you all as soon as I'm done.

Have just been epilating in preparation!

Frightchen Wed 30-Oct-13 15:18:28

I've not got an app; have been recording everything on a spreadsheet on my laptop. (It's pretty much my go-to solution for most things; I have a Christmas spreadsheet, I made one when I was planning on getting a puppy, and I'm sure I'll make one for things I need to buy when I get pregnant!)

Might have a look at the apps available. I have a Windows phone, so I don't always get all the same apps as folk on iPhones and Androids...

I'm coming on this thread to provide a different perspective. I am a donor conceived adult. (Yes, donor conception existed in the 1970s.)

I've hesitated to post because I don't wish to cause people pain, particularly those who have already gone down this route.

I don't want to go in to too much detail of my own circumstances because I don't have the emotional energy. I would just urge you to look in to the emotional repercussions for any children you might conceive via donor sperm. There's a website called Anonymous Us which has lots of posts from people like me who feel deeply wounded by being intentionally deprived of their father and other family.

CynthiaRose Wed 30-Oct-13 23:25:32

Thanks for your post, Beatrice. I have already gone down this route, but I am forever wondering and thinking about the issues that you raise. It is not something I took lightly and I do feel guilt.

I did do a lot of research before doing it and also found lots of positive stories of donor conceived kids. It seemed the key things were whether the donor could be identified and how you teach your children about it when they are growing up. It was really, really important to me that the donor was traceable, should the children want to get in touch with him. They will be able to access his contact details and I have some stuff he has written which I hope might be of some comfort until they can meet him, if that is what they want to do.

If I am honest I have always struggled with the fact that it was a selfish act, I just hope that my children aren't damaged by it, I don't think it is inevitable that they will be.

Not belittling it in anyway, genuinely, but for a number of people on that site it does also seem to be part of wider issues - being stifled by their mother, the succession of men that the mother brought home etc. I'm trying my hardest to give them the most supportive, loving and healthy environment that I can and hope that they don't resent my decision.

CynthiaRose Wed 30-Oct-13 23:39:14

Sorry, just looking back at your username that may not have been an appropriate way to shorten it. No offence meant.

I think anonymity is part of what I struggle with, but not all. My own family background was extremely dysfunctional, so I'm not a typical product.

No worries about the abbreviation! I should probably change my nickname (my Beatrice is better now) but I wanted it to be clear that I'm real wink

MinnieMooMoo Thu 31-Oct-13 13:20:17

Just back from my initial consultation, feeling a little disappointed as I thought I'd get my bloods taken however it was basically a 10 minute chat with the consultant who took some medical history and then did some swabs to check for STDs and an internal scan to check womb lining and ovaries (I have a huge egg in my left ovary ready to pop!).

He was happy with the look of my ovaries and I need to book a hysterosalpingogram on the first day of my next period so they can check my tubes are clear.

They also gave me a price list and seems higher than what the first woman told me last month but still doable.

I think the reason they didn't do my bloods is as if my tubes are blocked I'd have to go down the IVF route and not entirely sure I can afford that. But still thought the bloods would be included in initial consultation price.

Frightchen Thu 31-Oct-13 16:17:12

Hi P4B - thanks for giving us a different viewpoint on using donor sperm - every case will be different, but it's important to know of the less positive consequences. FWIW I'm really sorry that your experience was bad.

For those of us considering having a child using donor sperm, is there any advice you can give us as to how to avoid causing any hurt or upset?

I will be using a known/named donor, and will request that I have a name & number/e-mail address so that my child can have the option of reaching out to him when they are old enough/ready - would this have helped you? (I had thought all sperm bank donors are identifiable these days - the child can apply to know their details) I will also, being a single mother by choice, be telling my child when they are little that their biological father was a generous man who gave me a precious gift (or something a little more thought out) rather than passing a partner off as their father, so there won't be any hard-to-deal-with teenage revelation.

I'm afraid I have had to stop reading the accounts on the site you linked to as they are incredibly distressing. I am reminding myself that they are not representative of all donor-conceived people, and are the worst case scenario, and as CynthiaRose says, there are many positive stories out there. I have to believe, just like every woman choosing to become a mother has to believe, that I will do my utmost to do right by my child. The decision to get pregnant will be the last selfish decision I make - everything from then will be for my baby.

Minnie - sorry you were a little disappointed by your consultation, but think of it as being a step closer to having your baby. Plus - wonderful news that your ovaries are in working-order. It does sound frustratingly slow though; waiting for set points in your cycle. Did they say you're still on track for starting in January?

When I looked into the fertility clinic in Oxfordshire they had a pricelist on their website and I couldn't really make any sense of it - I didn't know which of the many different tests etc I would need. Are you being offered counselling? I was thinking of booking a session or two with a local counsellor to go over things once I'm actually trying; just in case things do go wrong and I need someone to help me through it.

MinnieMooMoo Mon 04-Nov-13 20:25:35

The consultant said it depends how long it takes to get the sperm over (as it's coming from America) and I still haven't had blood test yet in order to know which sperm I can have! But least we know it'll be next year at some point grin

I will go through counselling and they asked that I should have some male support so I've asked my brother how he feels and he said that the child will be well supported which made me feel warm and fuzzy. Definitely worthwhile having a chat to someone, it's a huge undertaking what we're doing, best to know we're doing it for the right reasons smile

Just been reading another thread where horrible judgemental comments are being made to a 28 year old daring to consider becoming a single mother by choice. Makes me hate this forum sometimes.

Frightchen, I believe all donor conception is open these days -- unless it's procured abroad. It was totally unregulated in the 1970s so my mother's husband is on my birth certificate.

Openness would help a little, though there might be a range of responses from a donor to contact from his adult offspring -- from welcome and affection to indifference and rejection, which would be very hard to take.

The bottom line for me is that I will never, ever know my father, not even his name, certainly not what he looks like or his personality, let alone his love or his embrace. Can anything be done to take that pain away from me? No. If by a miracle I found his identity, would that take away the loss I have endured so far? No.

Frettchen Tue 05-Nov-13 15:08:11

At least you're still moving forward... Maybe we've got to the end of the exciting 'I'm definitely doing this' stage and now it's the frustrating bit where all our best laid plans start to not run smoothly.

For my part, I'm pretty certain I've not ovulated this month. Could have missed it, but more likely is that I just didn't ovulate. I'm not surprised, I've not been at full-dosage of the metformin for the full month, and I know I need to give it time to get to work, but I had been nursing a small, irrational hope that I'd get the sign this month that I was actually starting to function normally.

Also frustrating; I sent off messages to two potential donors and haven't heard anything back from them. It's only been a couple of days, and again I was probably being unrealistic to expect to find the right donor right away, but it's another little frustration. In an ideal world I'd be all lined up and ready to go in January, but maybe Feb or March wouldn't be so bad... That's still a baby before I hit 30. (Yeah, the impending milestone birthday is beginning to freak me out, even though it's just a number, and there's no hurry.)

On the plus side, Mum and I seem to have got through our issues. She keeps asking about my health/how I'm feeling, and she's talking about having a clear out of her loft in the new year and has invited me to join in, with specific mention of looking at any old baby stuff to see if any of it might still be useful. I'm really looking forward to it.

Yeah, this place is a blessing as much as it's a curse - for every like-minded person there are plenty of people ready to disagree with you. We need a little beacon encouraging people in our situation to come on over here where it's safe.

Mondaybaby Tue 05-Nov-13 23:02:44

Hello everyone. I'd like to join you all here! I have a 3 year old donor conceived dd as a result of iui. I had 5 cycle of iui at the LWC and got lucky with my 5th. I decided to go it alone as I never came close to meeting the right man and was desperate for children. I'm still single as I don't get a chance to go out much anymore but I don't regret my choice for a moment. It's hard; I don't have too much support and I work full time, but I feel so lucky to have her and can not imagine life without her now. Good luck to everyone on here who is trying to get pregnant.

hi everyone, I thought I would drop in and say hi. glad things are moving forward for you Minnie.

I am doing OK, I'm still pregnant (and still can't quire believe it)! I'm feeling quite exhausted, I have been inducting some new colleagues at work this last week and can't be making a great impression- I can't remember the answers to half the questions they ask, keep getting confused and forgetting what we should be doing, and by 11 o clock each morning say 'I'm starving' and eat half my lunch!

I saw that other thread too- didn't read till the end and didn't post as it was so long by that point. I wonder if peoples reactions is an age thing too? there is another post this evening from a single woman asking about using a donor or a known coparent, and the responses have been very supportive. I mentioned this thread and suggested she come over here too.

hi Monday, nice to see you here

MinnieMooMoo Wed 06-Nov-13 11:12:51

I think you're right Frettchen there's a lot of waiting around to be done before we get to the exciting stuff!

But the HSG will be the week of the 18th (assuming they fit me in?!) they said it has to be done the week of my period so they know I'm not pregnant... it's like if I had chances of getting pregnant I wouldn't be paying for treatment! And the idea of dye and blood leaking out of me is not a pleasant one.

That's a shame you haven't ovulated. Are you using the onestep strips? As I found them very hit and miss... not to raise your hopes.

But like you I'm starting to think it'll be February or March before I actually get going so least we're still going to be around the same time. When do you turn 30? I've got 'til Summer 2015!

Great news that your mum is being more into it, makes it all the more real. My mam can't wait to start knitting!

Welcome Mondaybaby, that's great news you've got a lovely DD. Would you ever consider more?

Hi sleepingdragon how many weeks are you now? Perfect excuse to eat though isn't it? Perhaps you ought to double your lunch size wink

Yes it's definitely an age thing isn't it, as if being in our 20s we are far too young to be considering having a baby, but any one already in their 20s with a child is welcomed. Funny old place smile

I don't think I've seen the other post you've mentioned, I'll go and seek it out!

Frettchen Wed 06-Nov-13 17:06:33

Hi Monday - thanks for dropping in! How long did it take you from first consultation to your BFP? (If you don’t mind the questions) I’m not (yet) taking the clinic-based route, but some people are and as you can see, we’re just learning how long these things take.

So good to hear things are going well, Sleeping . Although, you’ve made me realise that the waiting part never stops – even once you get that BFP you’re now waiting for scans/waiting to be able to tell people. So much waiting!!! Have you told anyone IRL?

The age thing is really strange – people have said to me that I’m still young and there’s still time, and yet there’s also this unwritten deadline of 35 when things start getting difficult (although I think the beeb said that it was research from the 70s which suggested fertility declined at 35, and so it might be later given the state of modern medicine) – so we’ve really only got a window of age 30-35 in which we’re allowed to take more extreme measures of getting pregnant.

On the age topic, I turn 30 around Easter 2015, Minnie so I’m a few months ahead of you. I just keep thinking that my mum was 28 when she had me (after 9 months of TTC) and making comparisons between her and I; probably not a great idea, but the thought’s there!

I’m using the cheapie internet opks, so wouldn’t be too surprised if they’re not 100% accurate. Also I think I might have given up too early; I had decided ov would probably happen on the 14th, so only tested up to the 15th – next month I’ll do it for longer in case I’ve been missing the key days! I’m also trying to remember to take my basal body temp each morning, but some mornings I’ve forgotten, and you’re supposed to do it first thing, so I think I need to try harder next time.

Oh lawks, yes – my mum’s already got a ton of baby knitting patterns from when various family members have had babies, and I know she’s going to knit an entire wardrobe of goodies!

CynthiaRose Wed 06-Nov-13 17:41:49

Hang in their ladies, there is lots of hanging around and sorting things out at the beginning. You'll get there.

Frettchen my cycle and ovulation were all over the place, I did always ovulate but it varied from about day 10 to about day 18 I think! (my cycles were up to 36 days).

Mondaybaby Wed 06-Nov-13 18:15:03

Hi Frettchen and MinnieMooMoo and everyone,
It does feel like there is lots of waiting and frustrating plotting of cycles and practicalities.

I think I went for the open day at the LWC in the Oct of 2008. Then I started my first cycle of IUI (with drugs) in Feb 2009. My 2nd cycle was March and 3rd was April. All failed.

They suggested I have HyCoSy which I had in May. That totally screwed my previously regular as clockwork periods up and I didn't have a normal period for ages. I was also down from the 3 failures and my body needed a rest from injecting hormones which made me feel a bit loopy.

I tried again in August 2009 and I think I did conceive but had a very early miscarriage.
I then tried again in early December 2009. This time I did a bit more research about the drugs I was taking especially the trigger injection you take once you get a positive ovulation test. I read that it is better to wait 48 hours after the injection before having the IUI and the LWC were giving me appointments after less than 24 hours. I challenged this and (after being taken to see one of their Drs) they agreed to give me an appointment for the insemination closer to 36 hours. It seemed to make the difference for me and I conceived.
I had the positive pregnancy test on Dec 26th 2009 and my beautiful baby girl was born at the end of August 2010, 5 days before her due date.
So, from the initial open day to having her it was just under 2 years.
I am so lucky.
I would love to have another with the same donor BUT, I don't have the money to go through it again. Not so much the treatment but the later costs like being on maternity leave and nursery fees. Oh goodness - the nursery fees are a killer. I think that is why my dd came a week early because she wanted to spare me an extra whole year of nursery fees!!! There are other reasons why I am not going to try for another one but it boils down to money. If I won millions on the lottery then the first thing I would do would be to try for another one. My dd would be an amazing big sister.
Good luck to everyone trying. It is not an easy choice to go it alone through donor insemination. And it is tough, much tougher than I ever imagined, once you have a baby but the rewards and the good things outweigh the bad. As I remind myself every day, I am very, very lucky to have her.

MinnieMooMoo Wed 06-Nov-13 22:55:52

Hi Monday I'm getting a HyCoSy (or HSG as my clinic calls it) as part of the investigations, I have to ring up on the first day of my next cycle (likely 18th November) to book in for that week.

Bit worried you say it messed up your periods up! I wonder why that happened confused

Thanks for sharing your story with us, it's interesting to read other peoples experiences of it all.

I do keep having a panic that I'm going to be poor and not able to meet my bills every month, but I won't know until I'm there.

Also worry I'm ruining my career because I won't be able to take on as much work as I am now.

Frettchen Fri 08-Nov-13 16:20:27

Ok, definitely going to be better at cycle-tracking next month. I think I just got disheartened too early this time round. Will test every day from the end of my next period to the beginning of the one after and get a proper idea of what my cycle is doing.

I keep thinking how I ought to be more afraid of how to make the finances work, but I'm of the opinion that it'll be ridiculously hard, but I'll make it work. If I have to swap the good quality pet food for something cheaper, cut out all unnecessary expenditure and change the car insurance down a level then that's how it'll work (a little over-simplified, but basically I know I can live more frugally than I currently do). There will be ways of saving money if I search for them.

As for my career, well I don't love it, but it pays well enough (I hope), and I'm learning transferable skills, plus I've been here long enough that the holiday and maternity benefits are good, they allow flexible hours/working from home, and seem to have a very family-friendly attitude. I'd love to be able to ditch it at some point and start again, but finance-wise I'm better off staying here for the foreseeable future.

Only other update I have is that I've booked my first counselling session for Monday - it's an introductory type thing to see how the counsellor and I get on, and I'm actually quite looking forward to that. I've never seen a counsellor before, so I have no idea what to expect, but this lady seems nice from the e-mail/phone contact we've had, and I can always call it off if she's not right for me.

MinnieMooMoo Wed 13-Nov-13 19:08:18

Sorry! Been under my other name for a bit, went on a local MN meet up and told them all my plans and they're all supportive smile

How did the counselling session go Frettchen ?

I'm a bit cross, my period has come today and it's 4 days early, argh, don't want it to start messing up now!

Frettchen Fri 15-Nov-13 11:12:22

Yay for the support of real life MNetters. That's really lovely.

The counselling went well - it was the introductory session so a lot of it was her telling me about the way it works, and me giving her the low down on my life/family/etc. She's advised I start keeping a journal (which I was planning on doing from next year anyway, so have happily taken that up.)

I'm currently waiting (somewhat impatiently) for my period to end so I can start OKPing with intent. Need to build up the courage to go back to Pride Angel and have another search for donors after hearing nothing back from my first attempts at contact.

Have you booked your HSG, Minnie ?

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