ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
I want a baby but my husband wants to wait.(174 Posts)
On the surface I appear to have it all... but I am so miserable...
I am 28 years old, 29 in 5 months time and for the past year since I got married I can think of nothing else than starting a family with my wonderful husband. I feel my body clock ticking and I want a baby before 30. The problem is that he (who is the same age as me) says he is not ready.
We are really lucky and in a really good financial situation, we own our home with no mortgage and he has a really good job, earning a lot of money.
His problem is that he has extremely high standards, standards that I am not sure I can meet and he won't consider a baby until our situation is 'perfect' in his eyes...
His family is very wealthy and he constantly compares our situation to that of his older sister. She is married to a guy who earns a lot of money and because her parents are so wealthy she has been given two properties that she rents out to give herself an income so she does not have to be reliant on her husband for money whilst not working and bringing up the children. So all in all her situation is pretty amazing. (she had her first baby at 29)
If my husband and I were to start a family we would only have his income, I would be dependant on him and so our lifestyles would need to change (no more sports cars and expensive holidays) and he does not want this. He says that I need to ask my father (who does have money but nothing like his family) to give me a deposit to buy my own rental property so that I can be in a similar situation to his sister and not work and have my own income from a rental. I just don't feel I can do that at this moment in time, its a lot to ask, but until i have this sorted my husband is saying no to starting a family.
I feel stuck. I so want to have a baby but what can I do. I feel like I cant meet his standards. I wish he could just relax and realise that we are so lucky to be in our current situation and that we have all we need to provide a loving home for a baby.
I realise that all of this probably sounds really spoilt but I am so down about his. Its all I can think about. I have no one I feel I can talk to about it.
Any advice would be really great.
"or whether" ?? Surely that is something you talk about BEFORE the wedding!
I asked DH the day we started going out if he wanted marriage and children in the future!
I do understand your dh's worries though, it is hard when you have been brought up with many advantages and feel the pressure to achieve the same for your own family. It's been an issue for both me and my big brother that we are unlikely ever to be as successful as my father, but that's our demon to deal with, not our partners, and just means that personally we are fairly driven.
I certainly have never expected my father to set me up beyond the very generous gifts he has given me. I haven't asked him for money since I left home except for short term loans.
Seems odd to be worrying about university, wedding and housing costs before you've even started trying to have a baby, most of those costs are twenty years off! By that time you might well have inherited from one side or the other and in any case should have been able to save yourselves.
OP just keep talking to your DH. Make him see your point of view.
Everyone always belittles your worries when you are wealthy and appear to have it all.
Well, your worries are financial so worth belittling. You do have it all compared to 99% of people. Someone BOUGHT YOU A HOUSE. You have sports cars, private medical insurance and expensive holidays - and you still want more - at the expense of your father and the poor fuckers who will pay you rent when you become landlords.
You are always going to be part of this over-competitive money-focused merrygoround with your husband and his family. Do you want your child to have this kind of attitude with their partner? Or grow up believing that money is the key to all happiness?
I really do think you need to have a massive chat with him about his priorities in life. No more expensive holidays or sports cars if there's a baby? Oh boo hoo hoo. He has no clue, no clue at all at how your life turns upside down to deal with being a parent. And if this is really what he is focusing on then he is right, he is NOT ready to have a child and you need to (a) deal with that and wait or (b) leave him and find someone who is not a complete selfish bell end with a koo-koo bananas shallow family. I won't tell you which option I favour....
A bit harsh. We have never asked for a penny. If you had millions in the bank would you sit back and watch your kids scrimp together for a deposit and mortgage?
We know how lucky we are.
If you read the thread you would see that my worries have nothing to do with money and everything to do with being able to see eye to eye with my husband.
I'm not sure providing children with everything they could ever need is a good idea to be honest. What does it teach them about life? The value of things? Empathy and understanding for those who have less? Is buying them a house outright ever going to encourage them to appreciate the merit of hard work and doing something for yourself?
I appreciate it's a whole different thread but I'm not sure your dh wanting to provide his children with the world is ever a good idea.
As a parent you want to support and love your child and teach them how to experience life so they can manage on their own as an adult when you are not there anymore, and to enjoy and appreciate their own hard work. Not be given life on a plate.
What a bizarre notion that if you buy a buy to let house you will have financial independence. You are married. That means that his assets are your assets and vice versa. If you split, it would all be part of the pot to divide up.
Likewise what if the buy to let generated say £800 per month. Is that what you would be expected to live on? And if he earned 7 times that much per month for example would he share any of that? If he didn't, would you perceive that as fair? I sure as hell wouldn't.
As far as everyday finances go do you have access to each others money equally out of interest? if there's any inequality, it may only get worse if you had a child.
I'd suggest moving this thread to relationships.
If you are only coming up with a deposit for rental properties then when you get tenants the rent will be taken up by the mortgage and so you won't actually have any income....
Not sure why it will take you a while to come up with a deposit if you are both working and have no housing costs? Or is he expecting you to fund everything to do with these rental properties, yourself?
I'm not belittling you by the way, I feel sorry for you because you and your husband are so focussed on the financial side of life.
Sorry OP just read your last post. No your husband is not ready. The reason why you are getting so many WTF responses is because your husband's attitude and ideas come across as really spoilt and immature. Which means he is not ready to become a father if he is worrying about things like this when clearly, failing Greek-tragedy style disaster, you and your husband will be able to provide the same opportunities you were both given.
To many people he also probably sounds like he is splitting hairs and stalling for time when you both have every single thing necessary to give a child a good home... Except two willing parents.
I suggest a dog as a trial baby. For both of you.
I think your dh will be unhappy if his barometer for life is comparing his material status to that of his sister. He cannot photocopy her life or expect you to. He also needs to realise that kids do change lives.
Widening his life experience wouldn't hurt either so that he can appreciate what he does have too, both emotionally and materially.
So until you (and not you both) just you, are as 'independent' and as wealthy as his very wealthy sister, your husband won't have a baby.
You do have a problem here, op.
'We have never asked for a penny'
Well, apart from wanting your dad to buy you a rental property for income
Does your husband not realise that EVERYONE wants the absolute best for their children? But if he is that focused on cash, shouldn't he be making it himself- instead of relying on his parents, or your parents? If you are adult enough to get married, you should be adult enough to support yourselves.
You've established the relationship on a very monetary basis which is far too dependant on your parents' money and input. I don't know what the answer is- apart from money what motivates you both.
We have not asked my father for money. If you read back you would see that I don't want to do that! My husbands family resent my father because he does not have the same mentality as then regarding setting up their children in houses etc. And I won't criticise either of them. I am in awe of the generosity of my partners family and similarly I think that my father can do what he bloody well wants with his money, he earned it! Different people, different opinions.
Does your husband understand why you don't want to ask your father for the money? I hope he isn't putting too much pressure on you. Would you like to be a SAHM or do you feel it is more 'expected' of you?
But the problem is, your wonderful dh is saying no baby until YOU get some more money (from your dad?)
That is...a pretty unusual stance and I'm not surprised you feele miserable.
We have been bought a place to live. We earn the money to keep the house and lifestyle.
What motivates us? Friends, family, jobs we love?
I don't think he does actually. I've never tried to explain. I don't think he'd understand. :-(
My father did the accounting for a number of very wealthy families and said that being given too much money had significant downsides. So we had university paid for and a deposit when he could quite easily have bought us each houses. I have zero resentment about this because he was absolutely right. Being given everything on a plate can be a significant disincentive and hold people back from developing independence and financial responsibility..
But the problem is OP that your husband is blinkered by his parents' outlandish attitudes. It is not normal, even among the very wealthy, to expect parents to completely set up their children financially.
Would you think it reasonable for you DH to only want to start a family if you could categorically guarantee that no illness, disability or tragedy would befall that child? Because that is kind of what his attitude is like.
He is not ready. Did you not discuss this in detail before you got married?
How best to explain to my husband and his family that I don't expect my father to contribute when they have contributed so much and can't understand why my father would not contribute?!
You need to have a really really big chat with your DH about what YOU want and how YOU want to raise your children.
We discussed children, both decided we want two. That's as far as we went
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