ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
I want a baby but my husband wants to wait.(174 Posts)
On the surface I appear to have it all... but I am so miserable...
I am 28 years old, 29 in 5 months time and for the past year since I got married I can think of nothing else than starting a family with my wonderful husband. I feel my body clock ticking and I want a baby before 30. The problem is that he (who is the same age as me) says he is not ready.
We are really lucky and in a really good financial situation, we own our home with no mortgage and he has a really good job, earning a lot of money.
His problem is that he has extremely high standards, standards that I am not sure I can meet and he won't consider a baby until our situation is 'perfect' in his eyes...
His family is very wealthy and he constantly compares our situation to that of his older sister. She is married to a guy who earns a lot of money and because her parents are so wealthy she has been given two properties that she rents out to give herself an income so she does not have to be reliant on her husband for money whilst not working and bringing up the children. So all in all her situation is pretty amazing. (she had her first baby at 29)
If my husband and I were to start a family we would only have his income, I would be dependant on him and so our lifestyles would need to change (no more sports cars and expensive holidays) and he does not want this. He says that I need to ask my father (who does have money but nothing like his family) to give me a deposit to buy my own rental property so that I can be in a similar situation to his sister and not work and have my own income from a rental. I just don't feel I can do that at this moment in time, its a lot to ask, but until i have this sorted my husband is saying no to starting a family.
I feel stuck. I so want to have a baby but what can I do. I feel like I cant meet his standards. I wish he could just relax and realise that we are so lucky to be in our current situation and that we have all we need to provide a loving home for a baby.
I realise that all of this probably sounds really spoilt but I am so down about his. Its all I can think about. I have no one I feel I can talk to about it.
Any advice would be really great.
Please believe me when I say that my husband means well. He wants me to be financially independent, not because he does not want to support me, but because he knows how it would make me feel to completely rely on him for everything, and he is right! To remain financially independent it will mean me returning to work straight after children, which I am willing to do but I also know that I will be riddled with guilt going back to work when I could choose to stay at home. The rental property idea is a tried and tested way to have the best of both worlds. Just coming up with the deposit will take some time.
I really appreciate everyones advice on here. I think what I need to do is discuss some kind of timescale with my husband, then, knowing it is going to happen in the not to distant future, I will hopefully feel less consumed by baby thoughts and be able to move forward with my life and our marriage.
'He wants me to be financially independent, not because he does not want to support me, but because he knows how it would make me feel to completely rely on him for everything, and he is right! To remain financially independent it will mean me returning to work straight after children, which I am willing to do but I also know that I will be riddled with guilt going back to work when I could choose to stay at home. The rental property idea is a tried and tested way to have the best of both worlds. Just coming up with the deposit will take some time.'
YOU to be financially independent. OP, it is his child, too. This is a two-way street, and that includes childcare.
The rental property idea is ridiculous if you think your father is the one who has to fund it.
TBH, you both sound a bit immature.
Do not for the love of god have a child with this man. You will never ever be good enough. Nothing you do will ever match up to perfect sister.
Run as fast as you can. Get out. Get out now. Before you have a child and it gets worse and worse.
financially independent by getting your father to fund your lifestyle?
Do you and your DH actually understand the meaning of the word independent?
To give you some help, I looked up a definition:
Not relying on others for support, care, or funds; self-supporting
Sponging off your father doesnt seem to me to fall into that definition.
Reading this thread made me feel quite uncomfortable actually. I'm currently expecting mine and my husbands first baby and we haven't really even thought about the finance of it. We both work, he earns more than me (by about £400 a month) but we share everything. We have quite an expensive mortgage and all the usual outgoings let alone a nice credit card bill but they weren't factors in deciding whether we should have a child or not. We are newly married (hence the credit card bill) and want to start a family because we love each other - that's all that matters, the rest we can figure out as we go along.
Compared to about 95% of the MN population you are in an EXTREMELY good financial position to have a child which is why it makes me feel so uneasy that the word 'money' is being thrown around as an excuse not to have one.
His family sound vile and who the hell do they think they are to be suggesting your dad gives you money to buy a property? You shouldn't be expecting it either!! You are no longer your dad's responsibility. It is the job of your husband to help support you as a SAHM, not your father's.
I'm sorry, but your husband sound very controlling, manipulative and selfish.
What part of what he has said is meaning well?
If he has demanded you be independently able to keep yourself before you have a child how does he see that working if you do have a baby? Are you going back to work when the baby is 2 weeks old or are you expected to save enough to live on before then?
He does not see you as equal. He does not love you. He does not want a baby. You fell for his lies I'm afraid.
I know how this all sounds. Everyone always belittles your worries when you are wealthy and appear to have it all. I do realise that my problems are very 21st century. Doesn't make them unimportant though hey. Thank for the advice all.
How ridiculous to suggest that you will be financially independent if you ask your father to pay for a house for you, just so you can get the income from it.
I'm sorry, but your future life sounds very sad to me if you are constantly compared to your SIL and her life.
Before having children DH and I both worked full time. It swapped between us who earned the most. At the time I fell pregnant he earned more than me so I was the one giving up work and haven't worked since. We have 3 children and DH has financially supported all of us for the past 13 years. Not once has he moaned, demanded I get a job, told me I had to not depend on him. I have a lovely, grown up husband.
You don't .
No one has belittled your worries. To me you haven't expressed any worry but the fact you and your husband can't agree when to have a child. No one is better than anyone else because they have money.
He wants you to be financially independent when you have children. By why should this be a good thing? Children are made by both of you. Responsibilty and finances for such SHOULD be shared. Not two people living independently together and depositing into a pot. Families don't work like that. Not when children are involved.
I am not belittling your worries.
I'm telling you you're worrying about the wrong thing, in my opinion.
Is it wrong then to want to be able to give to your own children what your parents gave to you? My husband wants to be able to give his children a private education, private medical treatment, keep them comfortable and debt free at university (if they chose to go) send them travelling the world, buy them a house, pay for a beautiful wedding and love and support them throughout their life. Money does not make you happy, but it goes some way to help. My husband's ideals stem from having such a lucky upbringing and worrying about not being able to do the same for his kids.
Why is he expecting his father-in-law to provide for his wife and children? I don't understand it when people talk about being 'reliant' on their spouse as if its a bad thing. That is what marriage is all about - relying on one another. Financially as well as in other ways.
It sounds like he may not be ready for the responsibility of fatherhood, and is using finances as an excuse to stall for time. Have you tried talking about being the emotional reality of becoming parents, without discussing the day-to-day practicalities? You may find he is scared etc, or it may soften his heart.
OP you aren't necessarily wealthier than some others on the thread. This is about so much more than money. I mean this with the best will in the world: some of us are quite concerned about your situation and the attitude of your DH.
He doesn't think very much about the emotions of things, thats my arena. He is the practical man.
I think the rental property idea is a little ridiculous and when you have a baby it changes the dynamics of a relationship and you become a family instead of two people who are just married or living together.
No one here can tell you what he thinks or if his intentions are genuine or he is just dangling a carrot by saying he definitely wants a family one day as we don't know him. We are only offering you our opinions based on what you've told us, however for so many people to think this whole set up smells a bit fishy must set alarm bells ringing, it certainly would with me.
Only you can decide when you've had enough and it's time to take action, but please please don't be blinded to what this supposedly wonderful man is saying to you....He is putting conditions in place which have to be met before he will give you what you really want, this is not a caring wonderful individual, it's the actions of a selfish, self absorbed man who doesn't care what his wife is desperate for.
You obviously think there is something a bit dodgy going on here otherwise you'd never have posted on the forum in the first place. Do not ignore that nagging little voice in the back of your head that's telling you this isn't right/normal behaviour.
I'm not sure why you think that rental property ownership is an easy option to make lots of money. When I rented out my house it was very stressful and I lost money. I'd not recommend it as an easy option.
You two seem to be in a very good financial situation and I cannot understand why your dh and his family think that your father should just give you a lot of money when it is obvious that you are not in need. There is nothing tightfisted about that.
The competition between your dh and his sister sounds incredibly unhealthy, and your ILs sound very high handed and interfering. It does not sound like a very good foundation for starting a family to me.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I don't think the issue is the money really. The issue is that he/his family want you to be identical to his sister.
You don't seem to want to be identical to his sister - and why on earth should you? You're a totally different person.
I think you need to forget about the money thing for a bit and have a serious talk about allowing your (joint) family life to be what you (collectively - with input from you too) choose, NOT what his family choose for you or what his sister chooses for himself.
Once that's sorted (sweeping statement - I assume it won't be that easy) you'll be ready to start building your own joint family life and your own joint family.
"sister chooses for herself".
You're unhappy, you've admitted as much, it's what drew you to post in the first place. Stop trying to make excuses for your husband. What you're hearing are objective outside opinions to the situation you've described.
I will agree with the majority: he sounds controlling and manipulative. While I agree he should have some say into when you start a family, it should be a decision you both make and you deserve to have something more than a vague 'someday' dangled in front of you with strict financial conditions.
Also, the whole idea of being financially independent strikes me as you wanting to keep one foot outside your relationship because you know it's not forever.
You are very separate from your husband. One of you is head, one heart. One emotional, one practical. There has to be some common ground.
You write like we couldn't possibly understand the situation you are in as you have so much money. Others do too.
It has literally never entered my head that he is not the right man for me. We have been together for 10 years. I love him very much. I have no nagging feeling something isn't right. I started this thread because I just felt we had reached differing opinions on when (not whether) to start a family and it was getting me down and I had no one to talk to. I just wondered how others dealt with this differing in opinions.
You live in a house someone else has bought for you.
That is not financially independent.
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