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Conception

I want a baby but my husband wants to wait.

173 replies

GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 16:02

On the surface I appear to have it all... but I am so miserable...

I am 28 years old, 29 in 5 months time and for the past year since I got married I can think of nothing else than starting a family with my wonderful husband. I feel my body clock ticking and I want a baby before 30. The problem is that he (who is the same age as me) says he is not ready.

We are really lucky and in a really good financial situation, we own our home with no mortgage and he has a really good job, earning a lot of money.

His problem is that he has extremely high standards, standards that I am not sure I can meet and he won't consider a baby until our situation is 'perfect' in his eyes...

His family is very wealthy and he constantly compares our situation to that of his older sister. She is married to a guy who earns a lot of money and because her parents are so wealthy she has been given two properties that she rents out to give herself an income so she does not have to be reliant on her husband for money whilst not working and bringing up the children. So all in all her situation is pretty amazing. (she had her first baby at 29)

If my husband and I were to start a family we would only have his income, I would be dependant on him and so our lifestyles would need to change (no more sports cars and expensive holidays) and he does not want this. He says that I need to ask my father (who does have money but nothing like his family) to give me a deposit to buy my own rental property so that I can be in a similar situation to his sister and not work and have my own income from a rental. I just don't feel I can do that at this moment in time, its a lot to ask, but until i have this sorted my husband is saying no to starting a family.

I feel stuck. I so want to have a baby but what can I do. I feel like I cant meet his standards. I wish he could just relax and realise that we are so lucky to be in our current situation and that we have all we need to provide a loving home for a baby.

I realise that all of this probably sounds really spoilt but I am so down about his. Its all I can think about. I have no one I feel I can talk to about it.

Any advice would be really great.

:-(

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Fairylea · 15/09/2013 16:07

Do not have a baby with him. He sounds like a total arse !

You should be a team! Not all this mine and your money, needing a flat so you have an income. What?? If he's earning enough to support you and the baby then he should. Or you negotiate between you to find a way to both work and organise childcare.
It doesn't sound like you have the same ideals.

I was single at 31 with two failed long term relationships and a dd from one of them.

I then met and married my now dh and had ds 15 months.

It's not too late to start over... I have a feeling your dh is selfish and that will only get worse with a baby. You don't need someone who is so money minded and always comparing you to someone else.

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GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 16:12

I realise that that is how it sounds but its not like that at all. He is the most generous person I have ever met and I love him very much.

He just has this personality that strives for perfection, and he is very single minded in his idea of perfection. He is very competitive with his sister and wants our lives to be the same as theirs. He says that we will ave a baby but we will start thinking about it this time next year. That breaks my heart. I want to start trying in the new year.

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GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 16:16

You are right that we don't share the same ideals though. But thats a good thing probably, I am ruled by my heart and he is most definaely ruled by his head!

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Flyer747 · 15/09/2013 16:43

I hate to put someone down whom I don't know, but from what you say he does sound selfish to me, certainly in financial terms anyway. A baby does not need material things or money it needs to be loved and cared for the rest is merely a nicety.

It sounds like he places too higher value on material things and financial aspects. I think that even if your dad did buy you a rental property he would possibly come up with another road block as to why it's not the right time to start a family. Please listen to your gut feeling and if you think something is off then do not ignore it.

I spent years with someone who said he wanted children, everytime it came to starting that family he had excuses, eventually I got fed up and left.

There never is a perfect time to have a baby, you just do it and not one person I've ever spoken to regrets having a child. I would be having serious chats with him if it were me.

Good Luck x

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GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 16:52

Thank you for the advice. I know that he does want children eventually, I would not have married him if he didn't as its the most important thing in the world to me. I also know that he will be an amazing father.
The problem is when I try to talk to him about it or just mention it he says that I am nagging/pressurising.
Perhaps I should let this go and address it in the new year. Its just so hard when all I can think about is having a baby. Is it normal to be so consumed by an idea?

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eurochick · 15/09/2013 16:52

He does sound like a bit of a twat, tbh! He's setting himself (and you) up for a miserable life if he is constantly going to be comparing your lifestyle together to that of a wealthier couple!

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GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 16:55

Oh no. He's really not a horrible person. Its so hard to explain. He just wants the best for us and our future children, which i know will come along one day (just not soon enough for me!)

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Flibbertyjibbet · 15/09/2013 16:58

How can you say he is generous if he expects your father to provide the means for you to have money when you become the mother of HIS children?

A generous man would simply be sharing all his money with you, or supporting you and paying for childcare out of the central pot so that you can return to work.

Is he/are you expecting that when you have a child you will give up work completely and he does not want to support you? Thats what it sounds like.

He won't be an amazing father if he puts sports cars and holidays above making sure that his wife his happy. If he wants rental properties and you have lots of money at the moment then you can buy your own!

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HaPPy8 · 15/09/2013 17:01

Erm. If you have not mortgage why can't the two of you save up enough for a deposit on a rental property? Not that that is really the point but why on earth should you ask your father for money? He sounds awful! Sorry OP but he really does.

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GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 17:06

Its complicated. We both come from wealthy families but his family sold out of the family business years ago and are reaping the rewards. His family have set us up in a home and given us a fortune to start our lives with. My father has not sold out and is/always has been very tight fisted in comparison with his family (who are unusually generous with the children) As a result, his mother cannot understand my father's take on family/money and is resentful that she has provided so much whilst my dad has provided nothing (apart from a ridiculous no expense spared wedding - which also wasn't good enough for my mother in law so she put some money into that so that our wedding was on parr with his sisters!)
They have this crazy family mentality that both him and his sister must be kept equal at all times. I often find myself wishing that I had worked harder in the past so I could have had a job that earns money like my husband and brother in law, who has no family but earns a fortune in his job. Maybe then this would be ok and we could be happy.

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GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 17:07

We can save money, and I am willing to return to work to earn my own money but there will definitely be an expectation of me to be a stay at home mum, like his sister.

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Bowlersarm · 15/09/2013 17:17

Your life sounds like a competition. Your husband is competing with his sister. No, he's making you compete with his sister. He is making you look at both your fathers lives in a competitive way.

You need to be courageous and tell him it's not how you want to live your life with him.

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Dressingdown1 · 15/09/2013 17:18

You are only 28 so you still have time before your biological clock starts ticking too loudly. If you and DH can agree on a timescale to start a family and are quite well off, maybe you could start saving for your own deposit on a rental property? I don't think it's fair to expect your DF to give you money, but there's no reason not to fund the project yourself if you have some spare cash.

In any case there is something to be said for having your own money and not having to rely on DH for everything you need/want. You never know what the future holds

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Fairylea · 15/09/2013 17:40

It all seems a bit cold hearted to me. All I'm reading is money, money, money.

Yes money is important. But being happy as a family and supporting each other and loving one another is the primary ingredient to a happy family. Not wealth.

And I say that as someone who was always the main high earning breadwinner until I got made redundant and had to reassess my whole life. I am now (my choice) a sahm with my dh earning 15k a year and two dc. We manage ok. The main thing is we share everything, even on our small wage we put everything into a joint account and split whatever is left equally between us for spending money. We never argue about money, ever.

I think your dh has his priorities all a bit wrong to be honest.

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expatinscotland · 15/09/2013 17:45

Georgie, you really don't have time to be hanging around waiting for this guy. Sorry, but I'd make plans to leave. I loved my exh very, very, very much. We had a good marriage. But we didn't see eye-to-eye on children and family. You know what, the best decision I ever made was to divorce him, age 30, and start a new life.

Don't sell yourself short.

You keep going on about how wonderful he is, but someone as inflexible and tight as he is is not wonderful. It's immature and, quite frankly, pretty awful.

I would be very worried for you if you were my daughter and I'd be lighting candles that you found someone else who didn't see everything in terms of its worth as a financial vehicle and compare you to anyone else in the world.

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expatinscotland · 15/09/2013 17:47

There is no way I would ever become dependent on a person like this for money, either, tbh. In fact, I'd rather be dirt poor and free of such, and I say that as a poor person.

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scripsi · 15/09/2013 17:55

My concern here is that he is telling you what you have to do. Where is your choice in this? You are being forced to get a rental property as a precondition of having children. There is no free choice here, aside from his immature competitiveness.

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Flyer747 · 15/09/2013 17:56

It does seem very cold hearted to me as well.

You are only 28 so I echo what someone said about having time on your side. I'm 34 and only just having my first baby. So don't feel that you have to get pregnant ASAP because of your fertility.

However I do feel that he is being unfair expecting you to fund your own maternity leave or income if you decide to be a sahm....when you marry you become a unit and although I think it's important that people try and support themselves etc, you would be the one carrying his child and ultimately being the primary carer for the baby. That's a huge gift you would be giving him and he obviously doesn't realise this.

Maybe he still feels too young to be a father. Some men take longer to grow up than others. However I think you need to set some sort of timeline so you can both relax and be happy about your future plans, then if he tries to get out of it again and come up with excuses you'll need to re evaluate things and hopefully this won't be the case, but if it is please don't be fobbed off a second time.

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expatinscotland · 15/09/2013 17:58

I can't imagine much worse, tbh, than to be trapped hooked up to someone who constantly saw me and our child as a financial ball and chain and compared me to his sister, wanted my father to buy me properties to let out, who called on the shots on my life and made all the decisions for me. Sounds like hell to me.

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WorrySighWorrySigh · 15/09/2013 17:59

So you describe your father as tight fisted because he wont give you money?

You are 28, you are a grown-up and should be standing on your own two feet not trying to sponge off your parents.

I would be putting off having children until both you and your DH grow up a bit as you both sound very childish.

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expatinscotland · 15/09/2013 18:00

As for the 'only 28' thing, well, I'm 42 now. I was 'only 28' when my ex h and I split because tbh, it's not that young. We were 30 by the time I divorced and I was 32 when I had DD1. Someone who is 28 is an adult and grown enough to know her own mind. Go with your gut, don't ignore your instincts for anyone else.

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MissStrawberry · 15/09/2013 18:07

He isn't generous. He is a bully and has a bloody cheek telling you your father has to buy you a house so you can live off money from that while bringing up his baby. The baby you will never have with this man as he doesn't want one.

One of you following your heart, the other head does not equal not having the same ideals. It is just poppycock. You both should be on the same page otherwise there is no point being together.

As you write more I see this thread is panning out where you say what he has said/done and you down play it and say how wonderful he is. So wonderful he is putting unfair restrictions in your way to start the family he probably dangled in front of you when asking you to be his wife.

How horrible you say your father is tight-fisted. Maybe he sees what a twat your husband is and doesn't want his money pissed up the wall?

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dingledongle · 15/09/2013 18:13

Do you think he will compare your potential child/children with any nieces and nephews you may have?

Do you think he will strive for perfection when he has been kept awake by a poorly baby?

How would you feel if you start trying for baby and nothing happens and it takes several years to conceive and then you want a sibling, second child and have the same problem? Would he be happy to not have children?

There is never a perfect time to have children. Your marriage is supposed to be partnership with give and take in births sides. When you have children is only one decision, he sounds a bit controlling to me.

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TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 15/09/2013 18:14

He wants YOUR father to pay for HIS kids? He is an entitled brat.

If he doesn't want to cut his lifestyle why not:

  • HIM move jobs or get more training so he can earn more money
  • YOU do the same to earn more money
  • mortgage your own house if you want to become buy-to-let landlords.
  • review investments
  • start saving


To be honest, I am glad that he is reluctant to reproduce. I don't think we need more people like him in the world.
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GeorgieLou85 · 15/09/2013 18:15

Please believe me when I say that my husband means well. He wants me to be financially independent, not because he does not want to support me, but because he knows how it would make me feel to completely rely on him for everything, and he is right! To remain financially independent it will mean me returning to work straight after children, which I am willing to do but I also know that I will be riddled with guilt going back to work when I could choose to stay at home. The rental property idea is a tried and tested way to have the best of both worlds. Just coming up with the deposit will take some time.
I really appreciate everyones advice on here. I think what I need to do is discuss some kind of timescale with my husband, then, knowing it is going to happen in the not to distant future, I will hopefully feel less consumed by baby thoughts and be able to move forward with my life and our marriage.

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