A question to those TTC - how did you know you were ready?

(30 Posts)
mirai Tue 11-Jun-13 07:24:50

Hi all,

DH and I agreed to TTC from this summer but now that the time has come I'm a little nervous about it. Can I ask you, do you all have everything in your life "just so" now for a baby - in terms of lots of savings, a big enough house, a mortgage, secure jobs etc?

We are only renting (though we are saving and hope to buy in a few years), and our jobs are only as secure in as much as they are yearly contracts (and unfortunately no option to change to something more permanent at the moment). There are other matters that could make life a little more complicated too but those are the main ones for me right now!

However... I'm the wrong side of 30, and with family history (mum tells me she went through the menopause at 38), and I have always had 'issues' down below (abnormal smears etc), I think it would be just my luck if we left it a few more years and then had difficulties TTC.

I don't really know what I am hoping people to say, I am open to all opinions and any advice! Thanks smile

IrnBruTheNoo Sun 16-Jun-13 16:49:37

I knew I was ready when I saw the positive pregnancy test in my hand.

mirai Sun 16-Jun-13 15:14:34

I wish I had a crystal ball to see how things pan out! grin

missinternationallove985 Sat 15-Jun-13 20:33:28

I knew I was ready when instead of congratulation pregnant women. on announcing their pregnancies I would just say "Oh are you" very coldly and start to feel tears well up.
I am ttc again as I said and thankfully this time I am not experiecing any jealousy of pregnant women in fact I love chatting to them about their pregnancy. xx

Elektra83 Fri 14-Jun-13 16:24:24

I second what everyone else said, there is no 'perfect' time and I have been told the same thing a number of times this year!

We were TTC earlier this year but then I heard news about my job (I'm a contractor and was told I was being put forward for a conversion to employee). So we waited to hear...and we're still waiting. Initially it was a case of whether or not I'd still have a job come August but it turns out I will, so that's at least some good news.

My friend who is pregnant now (she had a mc last year and this one has stuck) keeps telling me off, she speaks from experience as she waited due to her job and then for her husband to be ready...by the time it all happened she's in her 40s and will realistically only have 1 child. Even my boss told me not to put my life on hold for a job!

It's finally sunk in that things won't be perfect - it's life (I always imagined myself to be thin before being pregnant and I'm not!) and something will always get in the way. Throw in the fact that my husband will be 40 this year (I just turned 30) I am finally coming round to the thinking of 'fvck it, let's just do it' so I think we are going to start again.

HadALittleFaithBaby Thu 13-Jun-13 21:01:55

We had our first house together when we started TTC. We were in a small flat before and we'd have struggled for space! Also didn't fancy lugging a pram up to the flat and there was no lift. Financially we had no savings but were on steady incomes. Mainly it was about DH feeling ready. He is younger than me by 3 years and was nervous about being a good dad. Then my nephew came along and frankly no-one compares to his wonderful Uncle! When he was 3 months old DH agreed to start trying.

The difficulty is you don't know how long it will take. This board is full of women who have been trying for a long time. It was 2 years 8 months for us so I'm glad we started when we did. Ironically now DD is here we're in a much more comfortable position than when we started TTC. I think if you're stable enough, don't delay waiting for the perfect time...it will never come!

sparkle9 Thu 13-Jun-13 18:08:47

I've compromised on 'perfect'. We have recently bought the big family home and both have stable jobs (DP earns quite a bit less than me but overall we have an above average income). However we are not married and have no savings left (after the house move). We are TTC but it's tricky. Coming off the pill has resulted in really long cycles. We spent our teens and twenties avoiding pregnancy like it was a sexually transmitted disease and now it's proving harder than secondary school sex ed taught us to believe!

I think we would have to wait another 5-10 years to achieve perfect but I want a baby sooner than that!

mirai Thu 13-Jun-13 12:48:20

You can always get a house/mortgage later. You can't always have a baby later

Yes, I think this is the crux of the matter, isn't it?

It really is great to read your stories, as Jaba says, thank you all.. thanks

Jaba123 Thu 13-Jun-13 12:29:40

Really nice to hear all your responses. Mirai - I don't think there is every a right time but I do feel when you know, you just know.. We have decided to start TTC within the next few months (mainly because I'm still new in my job and need to pass probation!) DH has a secure job and in a few months i will too. We have a mortgaged home, and we 'feel' ready but I'm still terrified at the idea of this huge responsibility - I think that is natural though? Agree with TaullauhBetty's advice too smile...

JBrd Wed 12-Jun-13 23:12:22

Like others have said - there is no such thing as a right time, nor will you ever feel completely ready and certain! We started ttc for our first quite late (I was 38), and at the time I thought, now is the right time - just had been promoted at work, both of us earning decent salaries etc. Then, a month after starting ttc, I found out that I was being made redundant. It was a big shock, but we decided to ttc anyway - because there never is a right time.

Of course I fell pg the minute my company was closed down. But I managed to find a temporary job for 5 months (it is possible to get a job when pg!), then took a year off with DS, loving every minute of it.
6 weeks after DS was born, DH got made redundant. Again, a big shock and very scary! But there are always positives - in this case, I had DH home with me for 6 months, which was fab!

We both have found new jobs since then, and I have just changed jobs again because I wasn't happy. I really like the new job, but had to take a hefty salary cut due to a change in career.

You never know what life will throw at you, all you can do is try and go with the flow.
Of course it's scary and stressful and worrying, but I would do it all again in a minute. Currently trying for DC2, had 2 miscarriages this year. Never saw that coming either...

Life's too short, and as my DH always tells me when I'm freaking out: 'It will be alright'.

Good luck!

misseskimo Wed 12-Jun-13 19:46:12

I don't think you can ever guarantee everything being ready/perfect, and lovely 3-4-bed house to come home to, unless you are rather well off in the first place to be able to buy one! I have many friends who are my age and younger who have that and it makes me cringe in jealousy sometimes, but at the same time, I also have many friends who are still renting and have 1, 2 and even 3 children and are happy as they are and getting along fine. They get long-term rates for their rent as they don't want to move the kids, and don't have to worry about base-rates etc. going up as they just pay a set rent every month - Then if they want/need to move to upsize etc. they can just get up and go without the stress of buying/selling a house with a family... So you have to look at it both ways really smile

TallulahBetty Wed 12-Jun-13 15:13:03

Aww thank you RaRaZ! smile

RaRaZ Wed 12-Jun-13 14:57:40

TalluluahBetty put that rather better - that's exactly what I was trying to say, and I think she's given very good advice.

TallulahBetty Wed 12-Jun-13 14:03:13

Personally, if I were you, i'd start trying now. It could take longer than expected. We don't earn loads, our house is tiny (mortgaged) and we've never travelled or done everything we wanted to do before kids. BUT I knew I wanted a baby sooner rather than later, so we just got on with it, and I don't regret it one bit. You can always get a house/mortgage later. You can't always have a baby later thanks

Champagnebubble Wed 12-Jun-13 14:02:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Champagnebubble Wed 12-Jun-13 13:57:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crazyhead Wed 12-Jun-13 13:45:56

Ps in terms of 'knowing' I didn't, just knew oh was the one and we wnted kids...didn't worry about anything else.

crazyhead Wed 12-Jun-13 13:44:34

After 9 months of being with oh - I was 34. We were fine re money but hadn't had much chance to sort other practicalities. Am now pg with no 2 at 36. Personally I think if it is the right relationship, you are convinced you want them and no major practical hurdles it is best to get on with it in your 30s. If you knew waiting 6 months would transform your circs that'd be different, but ttc doesn't get less stressful as you get older... good luck x

RaRaZ Wed 12-Jun-13 13:33:14

What if you never get that amazing four-bed house with space for a nursery? I hope you will, but plenty of people never do.... Don't miss your dream of having children because of that. They won't care whether you own or rent or how many bedrooms there are; love and happiness mean much more.

mirai Wed 12-Jun-13 13:12:32

Thanks again, I do hope I'm responsible, but like you say it's such an enormous responsibility I want to be absolutely sure first! I am totally ready in my heart for a baby, and DH too, but I think to myself, should I work for another year first? But then sod's law my contract won't be renewed next year and I may as well have been pregnant!

DH's contract is more stable than mine and we can probably 80% guarantee it for the next three years... But then I see my friends' lives on Facebook with their amazing three and four bed houses and mortgages and space for a nursery and I think, hmm is this the right thing to right now??

RaRaZ Tue 11-Jun-13 20:39:01

We're trying because we want to. It'll be hard financially, but we figured we can do it if we try. We're looking to buy a house atm - so we are currently renting, haven't been together very long, are fairly young, and are working on our careers - but we want to now and my clock is going MENTAL! We thought why not? We both want to be youngish parents, my career will kick off and prevent baby-making in a few years if my plan works out, and we can afford it if we do everything the hippy way that we want to....so we're trying :-) It's gotta be right for you two - to hell with what anyone else thiinks.

Definitelysometime Tue 11-Jun-13 20:25:14

A question I have often asked myself! We have just decided to start TTC our 1st. we're in our early 30s, very happily married, in stable jobs on OK salaries etc etc. Like you, we don't own a house - we always wanted to before starting a family but we just don't have (anywhere near) enough savings or any help from our parents.

I feel like its the right time. And yet... I am absolutely terrified! All I know is that my heart and my body are totally ready for a baby and so we're taking a plunge into the unknown. Eek!

2lilgirls Tue 11-Jun-13 13:19:15

I have to say you sound very responsible! It's the biggest decision you'll ever make in your entire life really isn't it.

We were renting when we had our first (We eventually bought when she was 4). We weren't married but knew we would in the future. We were in a committed relationship and knew we wanted to have a baby together. I don't know if I can explain it but I knew more than anything that I wanted to have a baby. At the same time there will also be a sense of doubt because it's such an enormous responsibility, that you are about to bring another person into the world that you are 100% responsible for.

mirai Tue 11-Jun-13 12:59:55

Thanks for your replies, lots for me to think about there. Would love to hear anyone else's opinions too?

I think I'm a little guilty of comparing my/our position to our friends' and relatives' who are pregnant and/or have small children. Without exception, they all have their own houses, some bought before the crash, some bought with their parents' help, I appreciate luck comes into it, and they all seem so stable in their careers and homes etc. And I worry if we will ever have all that, and, if I'm honest, am not sure we ever will. sad

blueamber Tue 11-Jun-13 10:07:30

Hi Mirai, that's a difficult question! I think you shouldn't wait for everything to be perfect, because the reality is that it might take a while to conceive and you just can't wait forever... I'm also sure that once you have your baby everything will be okay. You don't need your own house and you probably will be able to cope if one of you does not have a job for a while. You have all the essentials, a roof over your head, enough money to feed a baby and loads of love to give!

That's my reasoning anyway. I don't have a secure job, I'm doing a PhD, so it would be better if I wait until I have a job, but in this climate who knows how long that might take? We're not rich and we don't have much space, but it would be enough to raise a child. I also don't want to wait any longer, in case it takes a while to conceive. I just feel ready to start a family and know that this baby would have everything it needs.

I'm nervous too, but that's just normal, as it is a big change. But it's exciting as well!

AliBingo Tue 11-Jun-13 10:05:24

We waited until we had been married 14 years and realised we still weren't completely ready as in, savings, done everything we wanted to do, etc, but felt that most stuff was ok e.g. house was suitable etc, plus, suddenly panicked that if we waited until completely ready we'd be too old!

I don't think you can ever feel 100% ready tbh...

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