A question to those TTC - how did you know you were ready?(30 Posts)
DH and I agreed to TTC from this summer but now that the time has come I'm a little nervous about it. Can I ask you, do you all have everything in your life "just so" now for a baby - in terms of lots of savings, a big enough house, a mortgage, secure jobs etc?
We are only renting (though we are saving and hope to buy in a few years), and our jobs are only as secure in as much as they are yearly contracts (and unfortunately no option to change to something more permanent at the moment). There are other matters that could make life a little more complicated too but those are the main ones for me right now!
However... I'm the wrong side of 30, and with family history (mum tells me she went through the menopause at 38), and I have always had 'issues' down below (abnormal smears etc), I think it would be just my luck if we left it a few more years and then had difficulties TTC.
I don't really know what I am hoping people to say, I am open to all opinions and any advice! Thanks
Hi Mirai, I don't think you can ever be completely ready to TTC, I suppose it's more a case of if you feel comfortable enough in your life and relationship to try. My husband and I are TTC atm, we both work fulltime on ok salary, I'm on yearly contracts like you, he's permanent. we rent, and currently trying to save for our own house... ideally we wanted to own a house first but it's just taking too long so we thought sod it, lets just see what happens!
Good luck either way you decide though!
I wouldn't put it off given your history and that you are over 30 (though that's no guarantee you'll have any problems!). We started TTC when I had handed in the draft of my PhD and so knew I was nearly done, and had been offered a job at the same place I did my PhD (only 2 yearly contract though - but that's standard in the area I work in and many others these days). At that point we were both 30, married for a few years, bought a house with a comfortable mortgage, so everything seemed as fixed as it was likely to be. DH has a good stable job. But that's all by chance, we would have gone for it anyway without all the planets aligning. Babies are born into the world in far worse situations - your baby will have a roof over its head, somewhere warm and dry to sleep and food in its tummy. You both have jobs and obviously have a bit of extra £ if you are saving. It'll be fine :-D
I have to admit though - even now, 18 months later with no BFP, and desperate for a baby, it still occasionally hits me that we are trying to make an ACTUAL PERSON and that when we finally succeed it will irreversibly change our lives in ways I can't even imagine... and I feel massive panic!!
I'm actually about to give notice in my current job for a new one and we've decided we're not going to have a break from TTC. Things don't have to be perfect. It'll be just my luck that I'll get pregnant in the first few months of the new job, although obviously I'd be over the moon if it did happen at any time. (but tbh I have a feeling we're in it for the long haul so not too worried about my future employer).
In terms of a lot of things you've mentioned - house, savings - I'm still not 'ready' but a friend once said 'try for a baby when you need to have one', and that's what I did.
We waited until we had been married 14 years and realised we still weren't completely ready as in, savings, done everything we wanted to do, etc, but felt that most stuff was ok e.g. house was suitable etc, plus, suddenly panicked that if we waited until completely ready we'd be too old!
I don't think you can ever feel 100% ready tbh...
Hi Mirai, that's a difficult question! I think you shouldn't wait for everything to be perfect, because the reality is that it might take a while to conceive and you just can't wait forever... I'm also sure that once you have your baby everything will be okay. You don't need your own house and you probably will be able to cope if one of you does not have a job for a while. You have all the essentials, a roof over your head, enough money to feed a baby and loads of love to give!
That's my reasoning anyway. I don't have a secure job, I'm doing a PhD, so it would be better if I wait until I have a job, but in this climate who knows how long that might take? We're not rich and we don't have much space, but it would be enough to raise a child. I also don't want to wait any longer, in case it takes a while to conceive. I just feel ready to start a family and know that this baby would have everything it needs.
I'm nervous too, but that's just normal, as it is a big change. But it's exciting as well!
Thanks for your replies, lots for me to think about there. Would love to hear anyone else's opinions too?
I think I'm a little guilty of comparing my/our position to our friends' and relatives' who are pregnant and/or have small children. Without exception, they all have their own houses, some bought before the crash, some bought with their parents' help, I appreciate luck comes into it, and they all seem so stable in their careers and homes etc. And I worry if we will ever have all that, and, if I'm honest, am not sure we ever will.
I have to say you sound very responsible! It's the biggest decision you'll ever make in your entire life really isn't it.
We were renting when we had our first (We eventually bought when she was 4). We weren't married but knew we would in the future. We were in a committed relationship and knew we wanted to have a baby together. I don't know if I can explain it but I knew more than anything that I wanted to have a baby. At the same time there will also be a sense of doubt because it's such an enormous responsibility, that you are about to bring another person into the world that you are 100% responsible for.
A question I have often asked myself! We have just decided to start TTC our 1st. we're in our early 30s, very happily married, in stable jobs on OK salaries etc etc. Like you, we don't own a house - we always wanted to before starting a family but we just don't have (anywhere near) enough savings or any help from our parents.
I feel like its the right time. And yet... I am absolutely terrified! All I know is that my heart and my body are totally ready for a baby and so we're taking a plunge into the unknown. Eek!
We're trying because we want to. It'll be hard financially, but we figured we can do it if we try. We're looking to buy a house atm - so we are currently renting, haven't been together very long, are fairly young, and are working on our careers - but we want to now and my clock is going MENTAL! We thought why not? We both want to be youngish parents, my career will kick off and prevent baby-making in a few years if my plan works out, and we can afford it if we do everything the hippy way that we want to....so we're trying :-) It's gotta be right for you two - to hell with what anyone else thiinks.
Thanks again, I do hope I'm responsible, but like you say it's such an enormous responsibility I want to be absolutely sure first! I am totally ready in my heart for a baby, and DH too, but I think to myself, should I work for another year first? But then sod's law my contract won't be renewed next year and I may as well have been pregnant!
DH's contract is more stable than mine and we can probably 80% guarantee it for the next three years... But then I see my friends' lives on Facebook with their amazing three and four bed houses and mortgages and space for a nursery and I think, hmm is this the right thing to right now??
What if you never get that amazing four-bed house with space for a nursery? I hope you will, but plenty of people never do.... Don't miss your dream of having children because of that. They won't care whether you own or rent or how many bedrooms there are; love and happiness mean much more.
After 9 months of being with oh - I was 34. We were fine re money but hadn't had much chance to sort other practicalities. Am now pg with no 2 at 36. Personally I think if it is the right relationship, you are convinced you want them and no major practical hurdles it is best to get on with it in your 30s. If you knew waiting 6 months would transform your circs that'd be different, but ttc doesn't get less stressful as you get older... good luck x
Ps in terms of 'knowing' I didn't, just knew oh was the one and we wnted kids...didn't worry about anything else.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Personally, if I were you, i'd start trying now. It could take longer than expected. We don't earn loads, our house is tiny (mortgaged) and we've never travelled or done everything we wanted to do before kids. BUT I knew I wanted a baby sooner rather than later, so we just got on with it, and I don't regret it one bit. You can always get a house/mortgage later. You can't always have a baby later
TalluluahBetty put that rather better - that's exactly what I was trying to say, and I think she's given very good advice.
I don't think you can ever guarantee everything being ready/perfect, and lovely 3-4-bed house to come home to, unless you are rather well off in the first place to be able to buy one! I have many friends who are my age and younger who have that and it makes me cringe in jealousy sometimes, but at the same time, I also have many friends who are still renting and have 1, 2 and even 3 children and are happy as they are and getting along fine. They get long-term rates for their rent as they don't want to move the kids, and don't have to worry about base-rates etc. going up as they just pay a set rent every month - Then if they want/need to move to upsize etc. they can just get up and go without the stress of buying/selling a house with a family... So you have to look at it both ways really
Like others have said - there is no such thing as a right time, nor will you ever feel completely ready and certain! We started ttc for our first quite late (I was 38), and at the time I thought, now is the right time - just had been promoted at work, both of us earning decent salaries etc. Then, a month after starting ttc, I found out that I was being made redundant. It was a big shock, but we decided to ttc anyway - because there never is a right time.
Of course I fell pg the minute my company was closed down. But I managed to find a temporary job for 5 months (it is possible to get a job when pg!), then took a year off with DS, loving every minute of it.
6 weeks after DS was born, DH got made redundant. Again, a big shock and very scary! But there are always positives - in this case, I had DH home with me for 6 months, which was fab!
We both have found new jobs since then, and I have just changed jobs again because I wasn't happy. I really like the new job, but had to take a hefty salary cut due to a change in career.
You never know what life will throw at you, all you can do is try and go with the flow.
Of course it's scary and stressful and worrying, but I would do it all again in a minute. Currently trying for DC2, had 2 miscarriages this year. Never saw that coming either...
Life's too short, and as my DH always tells me when I'm freaking out: 'It will be alright'.
Really nice to hear all your responses. Mirai - I don't think there is every a right time but I do feel when you know, you just know.. We have decided to start TTC within the next few months (mainly because I'm still new in my job and need to pass probation!) DH has a secure job and in a few months i will too. We have a mortgaged home, and we 'feel' ready but I'm still terrified at the idea of this huge responsibility - I think that is natural though? Agree with TaullauhBetty's advice too ...
You can always get a house/mortgage later. You can't always have a baby later
Yes, I think this is the crux of the matter, isn't it?
It really is great to read your stories, as Jaba says, thank you all..
I've compromised on 'perfect'. We have recently bought the big family home and both have stable jobs (DP earns quite a bit less than me but overall we have an above average income). However we are not married and have no savings left (after the house move). We are TTC but it's tricky. Coming off the pill has resulted in really long cycles. We spent our teens and twenties avoiding pregnancy like it was a sexually transmitted disease and now it's proving harder than secondary school sex ed taught us to believe!
I think we would have to wait another 5-10 years to achieve perfect but I want a baby sooner than that!
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