Did anyone wish they had TTC sooner? I am currently waiting to TTC(48 Posts)
Getting slightly paranoid about the whole thing. Background: Me and my OH are both turning 28 this June, we have been together 4 years living together nearly 3 and I am currently doing my Masters so wont graduate until this December. We haven't bought a house yet and cant even afford to save for a deposit either atm, same goes for a wedding. I have always been of the traditional 'married before kids' thought, whilst he wants to buy a house first.
I thought that we may start trying when we turn 30, even though we probably wont have both a house and marriage at this point- lucky if we have one- but I am freaking out at little things which actually mean a lot to me- like if I have my first child when I am 31, when my DC will be 5, my dad will be 70 :'( I dont want this- I want my parents to be as involved as possible, and as active as possible. Same goes for me and OH.
So did anyone wait till they had ticked the things off the list that needed 'doing' before TTC, or did anyone get impatient and start earlier/consider the wider family in their decision to TTC sooner or later?
Sorry to ramble xxx
Lolly - that's a lot of plans! I hope it all works out the way you want it to. Good luck.
Muddy - me and oh needed to have a strong relationship to go through what we're going through. It really takes it out of you this long term ttc, doesn't it?
Thanks crazyhead - the irony is me and OH met when we were 23!!! Spent our 20s building careers and studying. Married at 32 and started ttc straight away. Now 34 and still nothing!
I am having problems getting my head around the technical/practical side of things.. as follows:
When I finish my course we are moving back to the South East for OH's job (computer programmer). He is commited to the company and is the last man standing after redundancies of 9 people, now he has shares in it and him and his boss are in the process of trying to both sell and develop further computer systems for a particular industry. He has been working from home in Manchester for 1 year whilst I do this masters- but his boss wants him back.
When we move I will need to find a job relevant to my degree, and now I drive I have more options as to where, but I HATE commuting, dislike London, sorry- the crowds, tube, everything and am unsure where exactly I will work (I may apply everywhere in country).
I have always wanting to bring up children in the North, as I am Northern and my parents are up here, so we would want to move back up North when/after I become pregnant. The North is the only area of the country we could afford aswell.. In terms of work, I want to be a SAHM for a while- maybe 2 years, but feel like I need to get back in the workforce as I dont have as much relevant work experience as other people. So it seems I will be working FT when in the South with OH and saving money to buy in the north, but then once we buy a house (and maybe we get married, maybe not its less important to me now) I will want to move back (his work permitting) and get prey/have baby etc. IF we do that though, I will be trying to get a PT job when I have a toddler, in a company that isnt the one I will have been working in FT down South.. I cant get my head around what is the best thing to do/is there a way around it? I suppose we could move down, work FT for a while, keep his boss happy yet I look for work up north along with a house, then buy and move, me work FT in the north whilst trying to get preg, then get mat pay and reduce hours PT????? Its just that OH's boss can be a bit 'difficult' even though with his job he can technically work anywhere in the country, and from home, he likes him close by. OH's industry is clustered in Berkshire, London and near Manchester (Stockport area) so he could find relevant work here, it just wouldnt be as well paid (he gets a nice salary atm)
I am SO SORRY I wrote so much!!! Anyone have any thoughts?
I know this is a lot of planning, am sometimes I dont plan things AT ALL, but I feel like something like this really needs to be worked out and I need to come up with an initial 'best plan', even if that does change further down the line.
Wow Isean, thats some story! So odd what life throws at you and how plans change, I dont blame you one bit. I'm glad you decided this and you LO's will get to know how fab your mum is. I want that too- that they remember their grandparents and have happy memories, rather being told by me what they were like.xx
I don't think I really answered you original post very well!
I think getting yourself in a good position, be that with a mortgage, etc. is a good thing to consider, if it's possible to do so. And at 28 you still have plenty time ahead of you!
Having said that you never know what's round the next corner! My mother had a very bad accident about 2 years ago, where she was very close to losing her life and has been left quite badly disabled as a result. This has made me realise life is short and I'd like my parents to know any children I might have and my children to know the wonderful people who brought me into the world. I don't want to look back on my life and think I wasted time instead of going out to try to get the things in life I really want.
Everyone is different though, so you have to go with your gut and know you are never stuck in anything, you can always make a change!
I wish you luck and happiness in whatever your future holds! x
Thank you all for your messages and sharing your stories and viewpoints.
I think from all this I have become more concerned about the practical side of things, and therefore will not rush into TTC due to just 'age' (of me or anyone else). I think getting a mortgage is the most important first step, and that was such a good point about a mortgage on a PT wage not happening! Also the issue with finding it difficult to get a PT job and being better off staying in same job and going PT.
I have an issue with that though I will post later..xx
Isean what a lovely post!!!! I'm so happy you found this guy! <3 I am sure you will become a sweet little family together, that is lovely!
Here are my thoughts on this:
As I am now about to turn 33 and have suffered with endometriosis since my teens I am worried it may take me a long time, if at all, to conceive. It has been on my mind a long time as I have been broody and wanted kids for as long as I can remember!
When I was younger I always had the rose-tinted idea of finding "the one", getting married, owning a house, being financially secure, etc when TTC, but life is rarely rose-tinted!
I got married when I was 27 to someone who was financially well off, owned house, had a good career and I thought it was all good to go! After a couple of years of wanting to have time as just us, we eventually decided to TTC. We tried, albeit in a very relaxed manner, for about 8 months before I changed my mind. The reality was that the things I thought were important (marriage, house, financial security) weren't! I was unhappy, there was doubt, rumours of infidelity, too much partying and drinking, etc. He could offer me material things, but not the emotional support I needed.
I left him last year, after spending a long time trying to build up the courage to go, and quickly realised I had fallen in love with a friend I had grown close to during the last few months of my marriage. We started a relationship and things moved pretty quickly and we discussed TTC within a few months. I was nervous though and put it off.
The relationship I am in now is almost the opposite of my marriage. My OH is 8 years younger than me, we live in a rented house, both have ok, but not great paying jobs, don't have a lot of spare cash, but the love and support and happiness is there. We are a team, which is something I never felt in my marriage. If it takes us a long time, if there are complications and difficulties, I know I will never feel alone, and whatever the outcome will always be supported.
When the timing seemed right to the outside world when I was married, it was so wrong for me (I think I always knew that). Now people would think I was crazy TTC in my circumstances, but I don't care. I am happier than I have been in years, I am in a very loving, secure and supportive relationship with someone I feel I would be incredibly lucky to bring a child into the world with. And that's the bit that counts.
Sorry for such a long-winded post!
When I met DH, I was 30 and he was 40. We got married and bought a house a few years later, and had DD when I was 35.
I don't have regrets. I did not think I wanted children at all in my 20s, and even the first couple of years when we were together, I was unsure. I very much enjoyed my childless 20s and feel lucky to have had those years to myself - and then a few years with DH pre children. For me it was vital to actually be ready for DC and to welcome the change to our lives. DH I think would have wanted them a bit earlier, but did not want to rush me. It is not really something you can compromise on.
Having DD has been wonderful and absolutely right for us. Our parents are all in their 70s and not active/energetic enough to help, but that doesn't mean they can't enjoy time with DD. I think the time has to be right for you - don't rush it for other people; you can't afford to put them into the equation.
I know 35 is quite late to TTC, but that was the right time for us.
28 is still young. I would not rush into it unless you are desperately broody. Enjoy your freedom and time together! Oh and save as much money as possible.
We only started seriously discussing when to TTC when we were engaged. Our initial plan was for baby to arrive summer 2012, which would have been "perfect" in terms of career, home (we lived in a small one-bedroom flat and were waiting to save more money to buy a bigger flat) etc.
However, I discovered MN and started panicking about how long it could take to conceive. Then I chatted to a friend who took 18 months, and to a colleague who was taking 5 years and counting (although 2 years later she did give birth so happy ending)
So, DH and I were umm-ing and ah-ing and the day I was supposed to start taking the pill again we suddenly decided not to and to TTC.
I conceived the first month and DS was born September 2011 - quite a bit earlier than planned!!!
It created a few problems (flat-hunting whilst 9 months pregnant and with a newborn is not fun) but nothing major and we haven't regretted it for a minute. I only wish we'd been on more holidays together before DS arrived, but as we're more savings-orientated than spending-orientated we never would have done it anyway.
My advice - get a sexual health checkup before TTC. Apparently some SDT can affect conception/lead to early MC, but you don't necessarily have any symptoms.
I was to discover I had one (symptomless) but one course of anti-biotics and it went, before we started TTC.
You won;t know what the perfect time is, you won't know what your fertility is going to be like in your 30's or what your financial position will be. You just have to make the decision that makes most sense for you now.
I waited until I was 35 before TTC, I never got pregnant despite years of unprotected sex and various types of fertility treatment.
Do I regret it? Difficult to decide. I regret not knowing what it is like to be pregnant and not having a baby from day 1 who doesn't have issues/experiences outside of my control but then I wouldn't have DS who is truly the most marvelous thing to happen to me.
I'm 26 (nearly 27)... DH is 30 (nearly 31).
Lived together for 4 years, got married in December.
We rent a 3 bedroom house in London and its a bargain (our landlord is my colleague and we have a good deal... The 1 bedroom FLAT next door is being rented for twice the price that we pay for the whole property!)
So... We are happy to keep renting for now and saving at the same time.
We don't want to live in London forever... Our family and friends are all in Devon and we are desperate to move back there but it all depends on work etc so for now we are staying in London.
Originally we were going to wait until we were back in Devon, buy a house and start TTC but I came off the pill just after the wedding in December and we are TTC now!
We thought WHY WAIT? The "perfect" time may not ever happen... We really want to start a family and so we have started trying.
Turns out its taking a while for my cycles to get back to normal anyway so... These things can take time... Who knows what the future will bring
Basically I'm the same as Euro. Had to wait for my Dh to catch up, but in all honesty our relationship wasn't strong enough. I'm still TTC after nearly 3 years, but the amazing thing is how this and other difficulties we've endured recently have made us so much stronger.
One practical thing. I have a friend who was made redundant whilst on her first mat leave. She's since has baby no 2 and is now looking for part time work, but really struggling. There are ft roles available but she can't get in the door part time; it's so much easier to reduce your hours once you are already employed.
Hi lollydolly. I had my AMH levels measured by fetility clinic, results mean we would have a much lower chance of IVF working.
What I'm trying to say is I fell pregnant with DS in my twenties without trying, but fast forward 7 years one miscarriage later it's much harder. When I had DS time was anything but perfect, sometimes I think we all try to make things 'just right' when in reality if you want it now you will find a way.
I met dh in my early 30s and we waited living together/buying flat/getting married before ttc. It took 16 long months for bfp to come along, and in that time I got a job I love and we swapped the flat for a house. I will go back p/t and nursery fees will swallow most of my salary - so we would not have got the mortgage.
When I got pg we had pretty much given hope - we were about to move and intended to get tested and follow assisted conception once living in our new area with a new dr. We had a fuck it holiday and dtd every day, and I came back pg - dd is now 6mo. I am mid 30s. I also have fibroids which may have delayed conception and which would have been discovered if I had been tested.
If you are thinking of delaying I would get tested to rule out anything obvious which may make it difficult for you to conceive.
I couldn't have! I got together with DP when I was 33 and a half, moved in after six months together, TTC after nine months together, up the duff immediately, engaged during first preg, moved house to dump requiring major works during maternity leave, pregnant again with builders in now, and back in full on career for the moment. I'll be 37 when number two arrives. I guess we'll get married sometime after that...
Basically, it worked for us because the way we saw it, if it had taken a while to get pregnant either time I'd be into the danger zone age-wise, and we wanted two. DP and I also have a rock solid relationship due to knowing each other very well from before. It has been and is exhausting and I'd have loved a longer gentle time together but to be honest, I'd have been stressing about my age so we'll have to have that gentle time later in life.
In your situation lolly, I do think that objectively you are that much younger and have a bit more leeway than I did. I think it is partly about how stressed you'll be waiting - if it will really get to you, you might as well be TTCing than stressing.
twinklestar - my sympathies and babydust - I hope it happens for you soon. I have several friends in your position, and having spent years trying and failing to meet mr right, and feeling that horrible sense of time ticking on and it taking up far too much of the happy space in my life, TTC being hard is something I have a massive sympathy with xxx
Yep. I was ready at about 30-31. My now husband wasn't. We started trying when I was 34. I'm now 37, and we are still trying. I do wonder if things would have been easier if we had started a bit earlier, but we will never know.
Thx lollydolly for your kind words. I hope it happens soon too
Df and I have been together for 5 years, have been renting for 4 stayed at df's for a year. In the time we spent there we were TTC ds. I'm 31 and df is 34 and ds now 3! I wanted to TTC last Dec but df wasn't ready so we held off another year til Dec 12 and still trying just now. We are moving house in 5 wks!! And hoping to get married once settled. I think things just happen and come out of the blue.
Oh my gosh YES. I'm 36 and TTC my first. I only met DP 4 years ago and in 2 years of trying we've had 2 mcs, and I'm now on my first round of clomid because I'm not typically ovulating any more. Looking back, I was naive to take my fertility for granted, but we are where we are.
Good luck to you
lolly for what its worth, we spend far less now we have a family than we did as a couple with no kids. We ate out a lot, drank a lot, holidays etc. We have not had a problem saving money with kids, it's just what to prioritise saving for. We're saving for a house deposit then we'll talk weddings. You're right about finding it hard to justify the cost of a wedding when you have other 'responsibilities' though.
Good luck with whatever you decide is best for you in the end.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Thankyou Night night to you, good luck with your pregnancy!xx
ah yes.. I am a bit old fashioned like that.. getting excited now. Wish all you trying the best of luck .. nighty night.. better sleep xx
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.