How on earth am I going to tell my ttc friend?

(26 Posts)
wonderingifiam2013 Thu 25-Apr-13 16:07:22

That I'm pregnant?

It's very early days for me but I can't stop thinking about her. I probably won't see her for another month, but we have a big event coming up where I will have to come clean as it's a massive drinking sesh ... which I won't be part of (will be there but not drinking) and I can't lie to her as she knows me inside out and will guess straight away with any antibiotics/driving etc excuses.

She's been ttc for around 2 years and is currently going through the test stage - she doesn't know we've been ttc for 6 months and as I so obviously struggled with #1, I really don't think she'll expect me to announce a pregnancy. Plus, during a night out a while ago and after far too many wines told me she doesn't know how she'd cope if another family member/friend announces another pregnancy sad

Do I tell her face-to-face, text her ... or what advice can you give me?

I just feel dreadful and know there is nothing I can say/do that will make it any better for her sad

I'm just praying she's pregnant by the time I have to tell her - that would be just perfect smile

Ethlinn Thu 25-Apr-13 16:15:45

Face to face, and try not to sound sorry for her. My big sis was ttc for years and years and she always hated it when her friends wouldn't tell her their big news cause they were trying not to hurt her feelings. And she would always say what your friend said: one more pregnancy around her and she would shoot herself. I was dreading the conversation when I fell pregnant but she WAS happy for me.
And the earlier you do it, the better. You can't hide it forever anyway ;-)

wonderingifiam2013 Thu 25-Apr-13 16:25:34

Hi Ethlinn - thanks for the advice. I would rather do it face to face and on our own, but I know I'd rather know via text so I could let it sink in and then respond - but I'm guessing that's a bit odd?

It's just I've been there when two other close friends have told us their pregnancy news in a group ... and although she tried to look happy for them I could see she was crying inside and it broke my heart sad

It's just so tough

cakeandcava Thu 25-Apr-13 16:25:53

I would say tell her on the phone actually. That's what I would have preferred when we were struggling. If you do face to face, make sure it is a relatively short meet up (quick coffee somewhere) so she doesn't have to hold it together for too long.

Don't sound too sorry for her. Don't make it about how bad you feel ("I feel terrible having to tell you this" doesn't go down well). Just acknowledge that it sucks for her, but that's how things are. And maybe tell her before you tell other friends so she doesn't get a 'through the grapevine' shock.

Congratulations! smile

wonderingifiam2013 Thu 25-Apr-13 16:30:28

Thanks cakeandcava - and I wouldn't dream of making it about how I feel bad - I promise.

And I would most certainly tell her first.

Would you suggest I pop round to hers? I'm just going to find it hard to make up an excuse for us to meet alone as we usually meet as a group of friends as we don't get out much these days!

wonderingifiam2013 Thu 25-Apr-13 16:31:17

sorry - read your post too fast. I think the phone call may be the answer after all.

thanks

mrsden Thu 25-Apr-13 16:36:00

You know your friend best, I can only tell you what I prefer but as the other posters have shown we're all different. I hate face to face announcements, especially if they're shock ones. There is nowhere to hide and the only possible reaction you can give is to look happy and excited and offer congratulations and ask questions to prove that you're interested. When inside you just want to crumple. It's not that I'm not happy for friends and family, I genuinely am but it reminds me how abnormal our situation is and that I'm still not pregnant. I need a little time to sob. Infertility is miserable and it sucks joy out of things that should be celebrated.

If you do decide to send a text then keep it factual, and perhaps acknowledge that you'll know this might upset her.

You sound like a lovely friend and are full of empathy already so I'm sure whatever way you handle it will be appropriate. And congratulations smile

EuroShaggleton Thu 25-Apr-13 16:41:21

I hate face to face/phone announcements. Email is so much better as you have time to collect your thoughts before you have to respond and before you see the other person. Like mrsden, I am happy for friends but it hurts too.

crazyhead Thu 25-Apr-13 18:58:08

I had this situation very recently (with friend going through IVF and me pregnant) and texted. I know what Euro means but the only thing about email is that personally, I look at a lot of my emails in work and I didn't want my friend seeing it at work because it isn't a good place to digest private emotions and her job is very stressful.

I told my friend early, in a way at least that way I was still telling her a situation with an uncertain outcome in the same way she was sharing the uncertainty of IVF. My pregnancy is now post 12 weeks and ok but her treatment didn't work.

Like you this is my second child. I hadn't even started ttc, and I feel as though it should have been my friend's chance that I got, and it feels so unfair. Since telling her I've just been in touch to check how she's doing but I'm just basically telling myself that i'll send nice messages etc and she can respond in her own way. She's a lovely and 'big' person and it won't hurt our friendship long term but it is so hard to know you'll be the cause of pain for someone you care about, especially when you know they are going through a lot.

Bearface Thu 25-Apr-13 19:13:39

Just thought I'd give my experience. I was on the receiving end of such news recently and my friend texted me. I was really glad that she didn't tell me face-to-face or on the phone as it gave me a chance to digest the news and then steel myself for a reply and sort myself before seeing her again. I would have hated to go through forcing myself to be pleased for her; I would have felt so false and she would have seen through it and got upset. Of course I am now very happy for her, but I just needed time to collect myself and come to terms with it.

As people have said though, you know your friend best, so do what you think is right and I'm sure it'll work out. You sound like a lovely friend to worry so much about this.

LemonPeculiarJones Thu 25-Apr-13 19:24:31

I told a close friend (who has been TTC for years and is now on fertility treatment) that I'm pg with DC2 recently. I texted her - she had previously said that being told by text when I was pg with DS1 made it easier for her to text back big congrats, have a cry and call me when she was ready.

Even with a phone call you are putting your friend on the spot. Both of you have to deal with the tidal wave of feelings then and there with a call, just as with face to face. With a text she gets a grace period and doesn't have to force herself to sound happy for you or dissolve into tears on you (she may not want to lean on you at that moment, it's so raw).

So I vote text but you know your friend.

It's tough I know - I really worried about telling my friend, started my own thread on MN too for advice!

Good luck, you sound like a caring friend smile

Ohhelpohnoitsa Thu 25-Apr-13 19:44:05

I texted my friend too. told her i didnt expect a reply but would see her soon. i also told her i wouldnt be offended if she didnt come to visit me when dc was born, but to come whenever she felt ready (we normally meet once a week). she asked to visit about week 3. must have been awful for her - dichotomy of feelings.

Ohhelpohnoitsa Thu 25-Apr-13 19:45:43

mialeading post - i didnt tell her both things at the same time.

BlindKitty Fri 26-Apr-13 20:31:24

wondering oh my goodness, if my friend hadn't already announced it on fb on Sunday I would think you were actually my friend!

I've been ttc for 2 years and normally I'm reasonably strong about it. For some reason her surprise scan picture on Sun left me in tears for about 3 hours.

Whilst I obviously want her to tell the world, I'm really upset that she just didn't at least text me 1) so that it wasn't such a shock and 2) so that I didn't feel so undervalued as a friend that she had to tell me over fb

I'd just speak to her first, hope that helps x

Happilymarried155 Sun 28-Apr-13 10:47:17

I'm another one that says text, it's much easier to digest the information that way and you can go and have a cry without anyone knowing!

Congratulations!!! smile

lemonsherbet Sun 28-Apr-13 12:57:27

I also say text. Pretty much for the same reason that she can text back without having to put on a brave face. Also would recommend that you do it when she is not at work but not too late at night, so that she can turn to others if she needs to.

Congratulations you sound like a lovely friend. Am sure she will be happy for you but maybe just need sometime to come to terms with it. All the best in this pregnancy

My cousin sent me a beautiful text saying she was pregnant,she knew times were difficult for us but she wanted us to know before it became public knowledge and that they were praying our dream would come true soon too. (Worded better than that and she's v religious so praying bit didnt sound odd)
I still cried sobbed but managed to send her a lovely message too and it was so nice that she was thinking of us.
You sound a kind and lovely friend and I imagine she would be very happy to know you had thought it through. Make sure of you do text her its when she's at home though as you don't want her reading it t work.
Good luck
X

Andcake Sun 28-Apr-13 16:31:25

When I was struggling I preferred texts etc so I could cry a little if I needed to and be nice and composed for face to face. But when I finally fell pregnant I told a friend who was struggling on the phone as I felt that was only fair. Choose your time wisely as well- so a weekend. I think one of my worst moments ( which couldn't e helped) was getting a text to say bf baby was born whilst I was sat in the waiting room of the recurrent mc clinic. But I'd even said to DP I bet she has her baby today as we travelled there!

wonderingifiam2013 Tue 02-Jul-13 14:47:43

I know this is an old thread ... but I just wanted to let you know following me writing this:

I'm just praying she's pregnant by the time I have to tell her - that would be just perfect

smile she is! smile

Fox82 Tue 02-Jul-13 19:54:22

Ahhhh what a happy ending! I didn't realise this was an old thread until I got to the end. Congratulations both of you flowers

MrsHende Tue 02-Jul-13 19:59:13

Oh how lovely! I'm having a teary eyed moment reading that!

WandaDoff Tue 02-Jul-13 20:05:31

Yay!! smile

A happy ending.

HorseyGirl1 Tue 02-Jul-13 20:50:46

that's lovely! x

mameulah Wed 03-Jul-13 08:21:44

I am so pleased for you all! Wonderful news!
x

Laptopgirl Sat 06-Jul-13 09:03:23

Awwww hadn't realised it was an old thread either - thanks for the fab update!

When I found out I was pregnant with DS I was very upset and fearful of losing friendships as all my friends seemed to be TTC one for many years others had recent miscarriages or failed IVF - I emailed them all to give them chance to think about it.

They al took their news in their own way but all came round in the end.

Now TTC number two I've made it clear to the friends who maybe upset by it. And when successful (being positive!) will email them again.

I'd been TTC for 5 years so knew how the felt.

Over the moon for you and your friend - may you both enjoy your new journey together xxxx

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