Drop me out...of a window of a tall building - need some advice...

[Carony]

I was walking home from work more or less in tears today...and I have got home and felt the need to vent.

I have been trying to conceive for maybe 6 months (this time). There's a slight twist - I have a rare disease (not contagious, I promise) and I have been on medication since 2007 to keep me functioning. Without it, I'd lose my job - and I nearly lost my education. My meds are pregnancy category C, and that meant I have to come off everything. So life ain't great, but I'm alive - that'll do.

My friend has gone into labour. I am happy for her, really I am, it took her a long time to get pregnant and she wants it more than anything in the world. However, I can't help but feel envious - and I feel so guilty for it. When I sat her down and explained my whole situation, I didn't expect a thing from her - just a little bit of understanding I suppose. It was hard for me, but I did it - I figured if she was my friend, she'd get it. As soon as the conversation finished, she put her baby scan DVD on and grabbed my hand when her baby started kicking. Part of me was intrigued, excited and fascinated - I've never felt a baby kick before...but the other part of me was just dying inside. Seeing the video made my heart sink, especially as I had just spilled my deepest darkest secret and divulged my disability to someone (a disability that isn't wholly visible and one wouldn't know unless I told them).

I feel selfish, guilty and quite frankly a B. I want to be the happiest friend in the world but I'm not...what makes it worse I feel pressured into being this great big body of joy and support. Everyone is excited...but I feel that I emotionally/psychologically can't be.

My husband and I have been trying for six months and we have been instructed to stop. Being off the meds is more or less wrecking me. I am ready for this, but it seems like this will all take longer than I once thought. I feel like I cannot do the one thing that, as a female human being, I am capable of. I feel like I can't give what is expected of me. Can't, can't can't - I get it, I am saying can't a lot.

I am not the first disabled woman to ever try and have a baby. Just so happens that as my hopes come crashing down, my friend is going through the luckiest and most precious time of her life. I will be a friend and see the baby, hold the baby, and support her - but in doing so I neglect how I feel, and let my demons rip the life out of me. It's almost like I am teasing myself.

Anyone been faced with a similar situation? How did you deal with it?

[yogafan]

This sounds rough, poor you. I haven't been through this kind of situ, but I know how crazy things can get when you are trying to conceive, and I really feel for you. To have health probs, to have to stop ttc, to have such heavy expectations of being the overjoyed friend in the one area of your life that touches such a nerve... it's a lot.

I would say though, although it must feel like an age, 6 months isn't ridiculously long ttc, and although you are going to have a break from trying now, keep believing that it will happen for you at some point. Please, please don't feel down on yourself about it. There are many things as a woman and a person that you bring to the world, although you may feel desperate to have a baby right now, it is not the only way to get satisfaction and fulfilment. Maybe try to throw yourself in to other things that make you happy, really treat yourself, divert yourself. (I understand, you probably don't want trite advice, you just need to vent, and fair enough)

It is totally natural to feel envious of your friend's situ. Unfortunately, she is so wrapped up in what is happening to her she is unable to be the friend to you that you need her to be. That is tough and if I were you, I know I would feel angry and disappointed and all sorts on top of it all being so painful. Take good care of yourself. I would have a MASSIVE cry and recognise how difficult this all is, talk to your husband about how you feel and make sure you feel a little bit looked after and protected and recognised before you see her/baby/be the supportive friend you want to be.

Sending hugs xx