done something stupid and now i feel sick, diy a.i

(35 Posts)
redbobblehat Sun 10-Feb-13 08:23:52

Tried to swi four times this week

Only worked once, dh is having problems

So last night in desperation, ov test pos on fri

I suggested dh give me a sample.

He did in a cup, was clean but not sterile, then I used a syringe again clean but not sterile

Anyway I'm hoping this is key, I was too scared to put the syringe inside as j thought what if j inject air

So I just kinda squirted it on the outside of the vagina, the syringe was not pushed in

So now in the cold light of the morning I'm feeling sick and panickig what if I have given myself an infection

redbobblehat Sun 10-Feb-13 10:46:40

Mrs devere, did you have counselling? did you find it helped?

hellesbelles, i know what your saying about not being emotionally well enough to cope with the rigours of pregnancy
but really i have to ttc if we want to have another child, i won't feel better in six month or whatever its just a lifelong sadness that i have to learn to live with.
not ttc will not help me
not saying any pregnancy will be easy or that even have a new baby will be easy, i know there will be difficulites that most people dont have to worry about
but if we want another baby we have to try

HellesBelles396 Sun 10-Feb-13 10:58:08

there is no way you will "get over" this - ever (and I would never suggest you could) - but, do you have the emotional resilience to undertake a pregnancy at this time while raising your daughter?

could you give yourself a couple more months to regain your emotional strength (with bereavement counselling for example) - now that your physical strength is returning?

redbobblehat Sun 10-Feb-13 11:02:42

well suppose i worry that counselling could make me feel worse or simply not help.
but i guess i won't know unless i try.

MrsDeVere Sun 10-Feb-13 11:07:58

It might make you feel worse, it probably will.
But just for a while.
And 'worse' is relative.

Is it worse to have the daily grind of anxiety, of being terrified of 'something' happening when you are not even sure of what that 'something' is?

Or to have a few tough weeks as you start to be honest with yourself and allow yourself to express the agony of losing your boy?

Its not about getting back to how you were before you lost him, its about learning how to deal with this new life without him.

Yes I have therapy and it does help but it takes time. It took me a while to find the right person too. Someone who understands about childhood cancer and its treatment. I think someone who has an understanding of the loss of a baby would be best for you.

It is worth holding out for the right person.

MrsDeVere Sun 10-Feb-13 11:10:40

I do understand about the need to ttc.

I discovered I was pg with DC4 a year after my DD died. I went on to have another DC two years later.

Pregnancy was very hard but I coped. The key is to understand why it is hard and find coping stratagies.

I turned into a bit of a hippy smile Yoga and hypnobirthing helped a lot.

Why not try a hypno CD now? relaxation techniques are the same for all kinds of situations.

You DESERVE to be able to relax.

HellesBelles396 Sun 10-Feb-13 11:11:09

I worried about that too and, at first, it did make me feel worse because I was talking about things I'd locked up inside me - things I couldn't tell people about (of felt I couldn't) and things I'd decided I was silly or selfish to be upset about. after that I felt better though. it's particularly difficult after a bereavement because you're so aware of the grief of those around you that it can feel impossible to speak about your own grief without feeling selfish.

sorry if I've been out of line but it doesn't sound like you're enjoying trying to get pregnant (and that is meant to be the fun bit! wink )

it's good to ask for help - especially after everything you've been through.

redbobblehat Sun 10-Feb-13 11:17:54

yeah i would be happy to try a hypno cd.

i could probably do with some relaxation techniques

i'm not quite this crazy all the time, i am up and down

HellesBelles396 Sun 10-Feb-13 11:21:08

and that's completely understandable. I quite often use one of those CD's where you relax bits of your body at a time. they're good. go off amazon and play the mp3 previews so you can check the voice doesn't annoy you.

would a support group be better for you than counselling? it's really about finding what works for you and your family.

You've had some excellent advice here and I hope you're feeling less stressed. Counselling is hard sometimes but very worthwhile- i had it weekly for many years to sort my past out and it was worth all the hours, money and soggy tissues.

If you wanted to continue using AI to help TTC then there are kits available here

DottyDot Sun 10-Feb-13 15:43:02

You've had some great advice and wise words in this thread - I can only add that while we used brand new syringes to conceive ds1, ds2 was conceived using the Calpol syringes... blush. Hope you get the support you need and all goes well with ttc.

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