a safe sanctuary for larger ladies who are ttc!

(89 Posts)
acsr1987 Sun 03-Feb-13 21:03:25

im starting a new thread for ladies who dont want to be judged about being a chubster, and to know the hurt it feels to be told your too fat to get pregnant, yet see heffers bigger than u with their babies. to be comfort eating because yet again your af has come. to try really hard to shift the buldge but only get a few pounds off.
im here for you ladies....
no skinny minnies or put downs please or we will squash u with our big fat arses!!!!

Lostonthemoors Mon 04-Feb-13 10:17:57

Scotty, what an unkind post. Really hope you are not a doc and if you are I feel sorry for your patients!

Have you not noticed how many of the ladies on these threads have spoken about how they are dieting? And of course it's still important to try to eat well and exercise, even more than usual if you have a high bmi - I think that is what is meant by healthier.

I have a normal bmi myself atm but a very good friend is struggling to TTC as she has a high bmi - over a year now and desperately trying to diet but not losing weight - pcos has not helped. I am trying to support her to lose weight, rather than casting insults as you are doing.

fieldfare Mon 04-Feb-13 10:26:12

"It's pretty selfish to ttc while obese". Seriously?!

It's actually pretty selfish of you to say something so insensitive and rude. This is a thread for support not for condescending, ignorant remarks.

I'm overweight and we are ttc our first together. I have a dd from a prev relationship, we've been ttc for 6 years now and it's all "unexplained". Very frustrating.

ScottyDoc Mon 04-Feb-13 10:29:39

It's not meant to be unkind towards those who are trying to lose weight but for those who continue comfort eating and not bothering to change bad habits whilst TTC, they need a reality check in my opinion. It is extremely wrong to state so confidently that you can be obese and healthy like a few posters have done on here and in other threads. Others may be mislead by this and it is a very bad example for children to believe and follow. I have worked in the health industry as many MNetters do and I'm just shocked at the attitudes of some overweight women. It seems to be a case of 'well nothing bad happened to me while I was pregnant or in my labour/birth so I'll just tell others it will be fine and it's acceptable to not take risks seriously' This mindset is prevalent and unless action is taken there will be a lack of education in future generations. Please, anyone overweight and finding it hard to stick to a diet, let your future baby be motivation for that. A forceps delivery due to a woman being too exhausted to push due to her inactivity is not a pretty sight, nor is the tragedy of a stillbirth, something I wouldn't want my worst enemy to go through. It's worth re considering TTC if you are at an unhealthy weight, and that's a valid fact.

JaquelineHyde Mon 04-Feb-13 10:33:04

Scotty you do realise what an utter moron your comments could make you sound to some people. In fact I am sure you realise that but decided to post anyway.

In my very humble opinion people like you should not be allowed to have children because whilst I am over weight, I can diet and lose the weight, there is always hope for me, yet you are ignorant, rude, nasty and offensive and will pass this type of issue with weight on to your children, the poor things.

Oh and all of my DCs are healthy and well within a perfect weight range, and my ds is gifted in the area of sports and movement and has had professional interest in his abilities already.

ScottyDoc Mon 04-Feb-13 10:33:54

Having seen the other thread and the denial about health risks on there as well as posters being told to 'jog on' because they don't agree with your choices,

JaquelineHyde Mon 04-Feb-13 10:39:50

Scotty go away this is not any other thread, this is our thread, a support thread not a thread for you to come on here and tell us all how awful we are and how much danger we are putting our unborn children in.

You comment about stillbirths is shocking, I just hope and pray no poster on this thread has had to suffer the horror of a still birth that you in no way can guarantee in down to excessive maternal weight.

That has to be without doubt one of the most insensitive nasty comments I have ever had to read!

ScottyDoc Mon 04-Feb-13 10:41:13

You insult me, as predicted, Jaqueline, because the truth is very difficult to hear. And you know it is selfish to try to conceive a baby when you know the risks throughout that pregnancy and birth, and the future implications of looking after a toddler that needs to be fed properly and kept active. I see these mindsets sometimes and it never fails to amaze me all the excuses one will make as well as insulting those who disagree with their choices. It saddens me and makes me question the health industry as well as other professionals.

gollygosh123 Mon 04-Feb-13 10:41:20

All these health workers judging obese people yet no doubt happily treating less healthy people because they cannot 'see' their crutch.

Yes you should world to being as healthy as possible but being overweight is not the worst thing possible. Id rather a fat parent than an outwardly healthy secret alcoholic or weed smoker but they don't get flack

fieldfare Mon 04-Feb-13 10:41:24

'likes JaquelineHyde's post'

I just typed out and deleted a huge post as I realised it was actually pointless. It would be wasted.

ScottyDoc Mon 04-Feb-13 10:45:41

I never once said how awful you all were hmm and I think instead of calling my comment insensitive, why not actually consider the reality of it, and the fact as an obese person, you would knowingly go into pregnancy with the higher risk of that happening. Yes it's a support thread, but nobody on here should seriously be advocating that it is physiologically possible to be obese and healthy. Those comments are uneducated and downright stupidity at its worst.

ScottyDoc Mon 04-Feb-13 10:49:59

I have noticed that as soon as these valid points are made, the easiest thing that some of you do is try to point the blame elsewhere. GollyGosh just proved me right when the focus was shifted on to alcoholics or 'weed smokers' that's a whole new debate. Stick to the real issue which is obese women who may not be on a decent diet or exercise regime, trying to conceive a baby whilst knowing all the risks.

fieldfare Mon 04-Feb-13 10:57:33

And what's wrong with them making that judgement for themselves? Who are you to judge?
You seem to be missing the point. The fact that you have come onto a support thread, and are defending your point of view so vehemently against the cries of other posters stating that you are insensitive demonstrates this. No-one is saying that to be morbidly obese and pregnant is an ideal situation, but for most of the ladies on here the key thing that they are focused on is to get and stay pregnant. You have, seemingly, no knowledge or understanding of this situation in life. You are fortunate that you do not, so respectfully I would ask you to take your opinion elsewhere.

Lostonthemoors Mon 04-Feb-13 11:00:17

Scotty, I think most ladies on here would agree that it is much safer to TTC and give birth at a healthy bmi. I'm sure most ladies here are doing all they can to try to achieve that. For the rare person who is not, maybe a little kind and gentle straight talking is sometimes good.

But your comments are far too drastic - would you really say to an overweight family member longing for a child but finding it hard to lose weight that she should not have one?

Society sends plenty of negative messages to overweight women. If it was really as simple for some women to lose weight as you seem to assume, don't you think they would do so?

Weight/eating are a complicated mind/body thing and surely mutual support is the way to go to help mothers to be / women TTC to reach and maintain a healthy weight.

Isabeller Mon 04-Feb-13 11:24:49

Scotty I agree that I am far from perfect. I have capacity therefore I am legally entitled to make decisions regarding my own welfare even if they are considered by others to be unwise.

In general risk is poorly understood. Consider the recent large scale review of the risk of death associated with different BMI categories. What are the risks you are comfortable with in relation to your own family?

Isabeller Mon 04-Feb-13 11:25:24

Hi Drwho and Calibee smile

CaliBee Mon 04-Feb-13 11:32:26

Oh dear oh dear...ladies there is always one. I do not find it in the least offensive that scotty points out that i should not be comfort eating less than 10 days post miscarriage. I feel no need to defend myself to her/him or to argue the healthy/ unhealthy points about being overweight.
Clearly scotty has some mild issues regarding personal boundaries and what contitutes support or attack. My guess is that she/he would have similar issues regarding anything mildly abnormal. Best ignored me thinks.

TopC Mon 04-Feb-13 11:37:02

Couldn't read this and not post. Firstly, I'll admit I'm not overweight but I am certainly not here to judge just to offer some hopefully helpful support and like most women post pregnancy I wanted to lose the pounds I gained and if it helps anyone here's some of the ways I did it.

Firstly, I worked out my BMR (basal metabolic rate) this is the calories your body needs per day just to 'be' as it were. Once you know how much energy your body needs you can really see how to create a deficit to help you lose the pounds, it's just maths really.

Here's a link to help you see: http://www.bmi-calculator.net/bmr-calculator/

For example once my level of activity is taken into account I need about 1700 calories. So when I wanted to lose weight I changed some of what I ate and upped my activity level. Even if you can drop 200 calories a day it is a start and it WILL make a difference.

Also, I know people do lose weight doing weight watchers but I would plead for you to not go this route, every item should be labelled low fat HIGH SUGAR. And there is no such thing as free food, even healthy foods all count towards what your body needs every day.

One of the best food changes I made was to try and have raw food with every meal. So I chuck some spinach in my lunchtime soup and have cucumber/salads with every dinner. Also, don't be afraid of fat ladies, your body needs good fats and according to Weight Watchers avocados are ruining your waist lines - RUBBISH.

Sorry this turned into a mammoth post and hope it doesn't sound lecture-y, just know this stuff helped me. Best of luck to you all TTC ( I am too!).

ScottyDoc Mon 04-Feb-13 11:37:27

You and I are entitled to our views yes, but none of you should be advocating that it is possible to be obese and healthy at the same time. I will do as asked and leave the thread, I just hope that everyone on here at some point manages to get themselves into shape for the sake of future children. And also educate those children about the importance of eating well and exercising regularly. Have a good day all.

CaliBee Mon 04-Feb-13 11:50:27

Topc that was really interesting thankyou. Sadly there are people who refuse to see past their boundaries and assumptions come readily to them. I often wonder if these people would object to being told to reconsider having a child as they suffered mental health issues or were concerned they would not live to see the child grow up...or even if they were plain ugly....afterall, its all a bit of a lottery. Anything can happen and does ...smiley

weegiemum Mon 04-Feb-13 11:57:48

I just saw this thread in Active!

I'm not ttc, in fact I'm menopausal, but I had all 3 dc while clinically fairly obese. I'm a size18/20 now, which is less than I was for all 3!

I never had any bp problems, I had nasty kidney side effects but nothing to do with weight.

I'm the happy mum of dd2 (9), ds (11, yesterday!) and dd1 (13 on Wednesday).

Despite being a fatty I was very active, walked everywhere tc, which was my advantage. I liked the cheese and wine too much. Conceived dd1 on first month, ds on 2nd month and dd2 was a mirena accident!

Good luck to you all xx

DoctorWhoFan Mon 04-Feb-13 13:36:12

Calibee, my ex GP stopped just short of telling me that I shouldn't try for a baby due to my mental health issues. It's obscene that she think that, especially as she had only just met me, and I am a whole lot more than my diagnosis! It is just as obscene in my opinion that people judge you for wanting a child if you are overweight, and even more so if they suggest you shouldn't. It is a trifle reminiscent of the nazis wanting only a 'perfect' (in their eyes) race.

I do not wish to be overweight, and I do what is in my currently limited capacity to not put further weight on. Everything I eat is home made, from scratch. I certainly have more than my five a day, and I keep my portion sizes down. I simply struggle to do any extra exercise other than day to day tasks like cleaning etc due to my crippling knee issues and fybromyalgia. However, just because I cannot attend fat busting classes at a gym does not mean I am complacent, or incapable of doing my best for a child.

For people like Scotty to suggest otherwise is rude (and assumptive) at best, and discriminatory at worst.

This is supposed to be a support thread for us larger ladies who are ttc. Let's face it, we're not doing it for an excuse to get fatter...

Rant over! Hope your first day back isn't too awful xx

DoctorWhoFan Mon 04-Feb-13 13:37:09

Waves at isabeller smile

DoctorWhoFan Mon 04-Feb-13 13:47:39

Just wanted to say thanks to weegiemum for posting. It was kind of you. It really does seem that being overweight is the last great taboo. Mind you...the Tory party are doing well at having a dig at gay marriage abd the disabled, but then I'm not surprised by that in the least, it's pretty usual for them!

Sadly, I have been increasingly finding mumsnet to be full of very vocal, judgemental people. What a pity. My suggestion is report bullying where it occurs. I absolutely advocate everyone's right to an opinion, but when that opinion is used to hector and bully others, that is unnacceptable and should be reported.

Isabeller Mon 04-Feb-13 13:54:52

Calibee how wise and balanced you are, you have made me feel positively tearful (tiny bit blue at the minute, sure it will pass shortly).

smile to Topc and weegie

DoctorWho I identify very much with what you describe. I can do some things well some of the time but I can't seem to get the nutrition - activity equation to come out negative for long enough to make a difference.

CaliBee Mon 04-Feb-13 13:55:44

Waves back. Well put notsoold. Working in an acute mental health setting i have seen and heard of some godawful discrimination. Much of it unrepeatable. I actually quite enjoy people such as scottydoc...they remind me who's best....wink.
Work is ok....buried myself on my wardround earlier and dragged it out as much as possible.
On subject of this thread though....i was looking forward to my jacket potatoe and salad only to find no potatoes left and was forced to have pizza and salad instead. Not a good start to my healthy eating plan. The canteen here is poo...but overall it works out cheaper than prepsring food to bring in.
About 3 years ago i lost nearly 4 stone on the cambridge diet....it was totally unsustainable and i swear it totally fcuked my body up. I hated how it left my body and have to say i would be a very happy size 14. (As opposed to the 18-20 i am). Little goals though.

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