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Rainbow babies. Remembering our angels, riding the rollercoaster and hoping for little rainbows and sunshine.

(1000 Posts)
Little9 Thu 31-Jan-13 20:17:09

An angel in the book of life wrote down our babies births. And whispered as she closed the book...too beautiful for this earth.

Fingers crossed for rainbows and BFPs for everyone!

missalexandra Tue 02-Jul-13 18:41:52

Hi Oliviarosemummy I'm so sorry you find yourself here and to hear about the terrible loss of your beautiful daughter. Seven weeks is no time at all, and of course anything we say about it gradually getting a little better will sound untrue. But it is true...the sharp edges of pain are eventually ground down by time and it becomes a duller type of pain. Doesnt go away, but becomes easier to bear. Like some of the other ladies have said, in those first months its best to set yourself gentle targets. For me at first it was just getting out of bed every morning. And every evening when DH came home he would push me to get dressed and go out with him even if it was just to buy a loaf of bread or to drive around for 10 mins. Dont force yourself into contact with people if youre not ready. I think one of the best things you can do is to come on here and "talk" with us, or any other site or group where you can feel you are with people who have lived the same experience. Sending you a big hug.

Owl Glad your roses brought a smile to your face. I too have a rose plant, I keep it in Alex's nursery and it hasnt stopped flowering since I bought it back in January!

Google great that you can go back part time, and like you say the first meeting with people is almost always the worst so you've got that over with at least with some of them. Great that the consultant doesnt think anything similar will happen again, and know what you mean about feeling better if youre actually doing something. Feels like having a bit of control back doesnt it?

Star LOL dont worry you dont sound like a stalker at all !

Lemon thinking of you and hoping you and baby are both ok

Having a bit of a panic at the moment, I know it sounds silly and pathetic but since we lost Alex I havent been alone overnight. Yesterday DH told me theyre having some sort of problem with their dept in China and he has to go there for a week and sort it out. I know I will be ok but he has been such a rock for me these past months that I'm dreading him being soooo far away and also I now seem to have much more morbid thoughts about plane accidents and things sad Has that happened to any of you?

Hugs to all xx

OwlinaTree Tue 02-Jul-13 20:25:18

HI everyone, thanks for thinking of me and the hoped for bfp. Still no af so still some hope i suppose.

Have had a terrible day today. Still upset about sat night really, one of the lovely people i work with said she did feel for me, was nice to hear. I ask today if she had given any reason for bringing her, apparently not, so it just smacks of 'can't be bothered' to me. Think its the end of the friendship to be honest.

Lady who is pregnant has been told she is being induced on Monday at 37 weeks as the consultant is worried about the baby. This has made me feel emotional too, just really hope everything goes well for them.

Got home after an extra looong day at work, and DH tells me he's had a bad day too, which is unusual as normally one of us feels ok, and can rally the other!

I've got more to say but got to eat tea now will be back...

Star0909 Tue 02-Jul-13 20:49:10

Hi,

Miss you don't sound silly at all, the first time I was away from my DH I hated it and also had morbid thoughts (car crashes, plane crashes etc) so I understand how you feel. Can you make plans to spend a night in the middle of the week with a friend, or perhaps some family? It might help break it up a bit without being too full on because it is just one night. Skype is also a good way to feel a bit more connected, the video calling makes such a big difference rather than just a normal phone call. You will be ok, but of course you will find it hard.

Owl so sorry you have had a hard day and that your DH has too, your friend does sound very thiughtless, perhaps just distance yourself from her? I have had to do that with some people. In my mind the friendship is over, but I don't want to make a scene (wives of DH's friends) so have just distanced myself from them. I am less disappointed when they are insensitive/not supportive. No wonder you feel emotional about the lady being induced, particularly on top of Saturday's upset and a tough day today. I hope you've had a nice dinner and can just chill out tonight.

Oliviarosemummy I've been thinking of you today. I also wanted to let you know that I think Olivia Rose is a beautiful name xx

Googledoodle Tue 02-Jul-13 20:51:40

miss that's really tough dh having to go away sad yes I totally have those thoughts too - one of the things I've been struggling with since Eddy died. All the really unlikely but horrible things that I'd usually ignore and shove out of my head because they're so unlikely... I struggle to work out whether i'm being paranoid in worrying about them or whether its justified and I actually should be concerned. In fact I was just talking to a friend about it today. I think its linked to me wondering whether Eddy was ok the day before he died; should I have realised earlier that something actually was wrong (even though i know its classic for an abruption to be so sudden, and I worried other days and he was fine, and worried with my other dcs and they were fine). I have found it hard to trust my own judgment since I didn't realise my son wasn't ok.
i think it's natural really, with what's happened to each of us - although stillbirth is actually relatively common (I think I read 1 in 200?) because its not talked about much we think its very rare. And then when it happens to you, you realise the really horrible but rare things can happen to you.
I keep telling myself that just because one terrible thing has happened it doesn't make any of the other things I worry about more likely than they ever were. I don't know if that helps you at all. Whenever he's away, we'll still be here to help get you through the week xx

OwlinaTree Tue 02-Jul-13 21:06:47

miss you don't sound pathetic at all! Me and DH commented a lot on how much we needed to be together especially in the early days. Unfortunately dh had to work away a lot as his job involved this, but he has since changed jobs and it helped a lot. I found it really hard when he first stayed away and he did too. A week is such a long time tho, do you have any family nearby or good friends you could arrange to see for some of the evenings? So you are not just sitting around at night on your own? (well that's what i would be doing, i'm sure you are far more productive than me!!)

As for the thinking morbid thoughts, god yes! DH got very upset in the early days thinking about if something had happened to me as well. I'm always a bit worried about long flights tbh, but i would be feeling the same as you i'm sure. How long is it till he is going?

google i'm glad you are feeling a little better, sounds like a lovely idea to have the summer off with your children and then going back part time. good luck with ttc!

star i don't think you are stalker-ish, it's very kind of you to think of me! As i earlier said, no news yet.

I have got TERRIBLE toothache, will have to go to the dentist but i am dreading it. bah.

Hugs to all, waves to lemon, hope rainbow is here now xx

oliviarosemummy Tue 02-Jul-13 21:42:22

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my post and for the kind words and good advice. I've never joined anything like this before and I was a bit nervous to post my story but for some reason after I read the replys I felt better. I didn't feel as lost and lonely anymore. We had our appointment at the hospital today. I didn't realise how hard it was going to be going back to the hospital were Olivia died. As I got to the car park I just broke down sobbing and then my partner was upset when we got in the room. They told us that it was a rip in the cord that caused the blood and it happened when my waters broke as the end of the cord wasn't protected enough and the vessels were vulnerable.The doctor said that in the 20 years she has been working there she has only ever saw this twice and that it is very rare and it is unlikely to happen again. It doesn't make it any better and once we left I just wanted to go to her grave. I do feel a bit better once I've been there I find that im more peaceful if that makes any sense. Everyone tells me it just takes time and I know they are probably right it just doesn't feel like that just now it feels like it's never ending. Im trying to get myself motivated everyday to at least get showered and dressed. I don't like going out on my own I feel like people are staring at me and a lot of people have pretended they don't see me they can't even look at me but they talk to my partner he thinks that they probably scared in case they say something wrong and upset me but it hurts that they just ignore it. Im ok when im with my partner but he has started back at work now so I know I need to build up the courage to. at least get to the shops myself. I hate him having to go to work I know we have to try and get our life back on track but I just hate sitting in the house all day thinking about our little girl and im just not ready to get out and about yet. If it's ok ladies can I ask what you have done with all your baby stuff? I haven't touched her nursery everything is still the same as it was the day I went to hospital I don't want to start packing her things away I think I would find it too painful but a friend said it might make it easier for me if I didn't see all her things everyday I don't understand how that would somehow make it easier. Thank you once again for letting me join and post messages it's nice to know im not the only one in the world going through this as that is how I have felt the last wee while and im so very sorry for all of you that's lost your baby it's the worst thing in the world to have happened to us x

oliviarosemummy Tue 02-Jul-13 21:59:07

Thank you so much star that's very kind off you to say her name is beautiful. Me and my partner had chose it before we had started IVF. We fell in love with it straight away and when we saw her it just suited her perfect x

OwlinaTree Tue 02-Jul-13 22:40:36

Our baby stuff is all piled up in the nursery. Hopefully it will be there ready for our rainbow. We didn't know whether our baby was going to be a boy or a girl so we have never thought of the room being her room, it is a baby's room rather than baby owl's room.

We have a smallish house so we do store other stuff in there as well. i stacked all the baby stuff in the cot and covered in with a sheet partly to stop it getting dusty, partly so don't have to look at it all. I hadn't bought much really in the way of clothes. The electronics like steriliezer and baby monitor we had bought off amazon. We were out of refund period but we emailed them to explain what had happened and the took it all back as it was all still wrapped up. Very good of them!!

Maybe you could ask a relative or a friend just to pack it away temporarily for now so everything is out of the way, then you could always go back and look through it properly when you feel a bit stronger. It did help me not to have things all over the house tbh.

Do try and get out if you possibly can. Do you drive? Might be easier to drive somewhere a little further away where you don't feel everyone is looking at you as you walk around.

oliviarosemummy Wed 03-Jul-13 10:13:39

Hi owl I do drive but we only have one car and my partner takes it too work. My sister has offered to come and get me tomorrow and we can both go for a walk im looking forward to it just getting out the house will be a relief.

We found out at the 20 week scan that we were having a girl. Since that day my partner started shopping and to be honest we actually bought far too much, the wardrobe is filled with loads of girl outfits and the nursery is pink and everything else is pretty much for a girl. I've tried to say to my partner in the future if we go on and have another baby there is no guarantee that it will be a girl so all the stuff is just going to sit there, he just doesn't want any off it to be returned. The only thing that has been return is the pram, we got my mum to do that and she said it was so hard she kept crying. Think I will maybe do what you have done and start piling things in the cot and place a sheet over it too think my partner will be ok with that and it will give me something to do today x

Star0909 Wed 03-Jul-13 10:38:38

Hi Oliviarose we had the buggy returned, but we didn't have many clothes because our little boy died at 27 weeks. We do have some things which we have kept in a special box and it is in the room that would have been his. I do have a friend whose story is so similar to yours and it wasn't until 9mnths after her daughter died that she sorted out her baby's things and put the cot away. I think it is really important that you do things in your own time and when you feel ready and what is right for you. Don't feel pressured by what other people think you should do or will help you "move on" it is very personal.

I'm glad your sister is coming to take you out today, I find that walks and fresh air are quite soothing.

Owl ouch! Toothache s horrible, hope the dentist sorts it pronto.

X

Little9 Wed 03-Jul-13 22:49:29

Well ladies. I have finally been referred to Nottingham although appointment is not until 29 July and may not be with exactly the right consultant so may to go back but at least it's a step forward.

A very sad but warm welcome to you Oliviarosemummy. I have lost two little girls at 20 weeks with my waters just breaking but they have no idea why (hence me getting referred to specialist centre). We lost Daisy last June and Lily in January (husband is a gardener, would you have guessed!!!). As others have said it does get a little easier although I can still be floored by unexpected events. It is definitely good to keep busy if you can but you also have to go easy on yourself. You have been (and still are going through) such a horrible traumatic event. The ladies on here have been a godsend no matter how much I have ranted or felt sorry for myself.

We are hopefully going to start ttc again soon, although getting pregnant again is going to be so scary, if it happens.

lemon - thinking of you and hope you and rainbow are both ok.

Hello and waves to everyone else. sorry not to mention everyone individually but am on my kindle and trying to type on this thing is so frustrating and takes so long!! hmm

Jules829 Thu 04-Jul-13 09:03:23

hello all...apologies i have not been here very much. Ive been lurking but not posting....
Welcome to OliviaRoseMummy - what a beautiful name and im so sorry you find yourself here. This is such a great place for support and i often lurk and read, even though i dont post, i always feel better for visiting. Things are very tough but they will become easier to bear - its really good you are trying to have a purpose each day. Stay strong like that. I lost my little boy Ben, at 42 weeks in labour. He died of hypoxia (oxygen starvation) and was growth restricted, although he was born weighing 6lbs, so not too small in the grand scheme of things. This was last November, and i have come a long way since those very dark days, although i miss Ben every day and wish my life was different every day too. This year of firsts is so very very hard.
Thanks for asking after me on here star.... ive been quiet and as i say lurking but not posting. Things are so hard for me right now.
As you all know from my posts on here, we conceived our rainbow three months after losing Ben but sadly miscarried at 11 weeks in march this year. It took 7 weeks for me to get my cycle back again and I was so happy that we could maybe ttc again. However since then, things have gone down hill. I am on cycle day 72 with no af since that first af post ERPC procedure. I dont know whats going on. Negative tests and no sign of anything. Im so frustrated and getting a little depressed now since I keep thinking i shouldnt even be having to ride this train at the moment (we took two years to conceive Ben through fertility treatment). I just dont know whats happening to my body and Im stressed about it all the time. I visited my GP and he said i should just wait - that was at day 55 - ok for him to just say that! I also visited my fertility consultant at day 50 who said i could have fertility treatment but not for 6 months (waiting list issues) and in the meantime she was happy for me to just carry on as i am with no period. It seems like no-one will help me. I think i need some progesterone to be prescribed to kickstart things but no-one will do that for me either. Has anyone got any advice for me..... please??!
My acupuncturist has now said that he doesnt know what on earth is going on with me and ive been seeing him weekly...so i feel like not even that is working. Im taking 2000mg metformin each day which previously worked for me with my PCOS but now...? Ive been taking this since the ERPC in March and nothing. Sorry to rant on here but this is the first time Ive managed to get it all of my chest. Im so worried and confused, and hurting each day because my Angel is not here... and he so should be.

Id love it if someone could give me any advice they have... it feel better to get it off my chest (dh isnt that great at listening and keeps telling me to have faith).... plus now we are in July, i keep thinking that november will soon be here and then ill have to face DS birthday... who knows how i will cope with that....

Anyhow - thats where im at - apologies again for the 'downer' and i hope everyone is having gentler days....smile and waves to all who are here xx

Star0909 Thu 04-Jul-13 09:36:24

Oh Jules I'm so sorry that things are so difficult at the moment, made even worse by the fact that it seems nobody is listening to you or helping you. Do you think you could make another appointment with the GP (maybe a lady GP if there is one) and could you stress the point that aside from the fact your body clearly isn't doing what it should and you need to be able to ttc again, this is making you stressed and anxious and absent AF is really bad for your mental wellbeing. Perhaps if you go down the emotional route rather than the ttc route they might be more willing to help? I don't have any experience of this myself so can't offer any really practical advice.
Please don't apologise for the "downer" post, we are here to support you, so please do post whenever you feel able to (I am guilty of my fair share of miserable posts!)

Little I am so pleased that you have got your appointment with the specialist through, that must be a relief to have a date and to feel like you are moving forward again. Do you have a list of questions? I find these things quite daunting so it helps me to have a list of questions I can refer to before I leave.

Googledoodle Thu 04-Jul-13 13:26:43

jules that sounds so hard - the in limbo and powerless to do anything feeling is horrible sad. It's easy to say just wait, but a lot harder to do (I'm not patient at the best of times). I've just texted a friend who has pcos and I know she had problems getting her cycle back after her mc, and I think also after each pg (encouaragingly she does now have 3 dcs). She did find it very hard though, and I remember originally her gp was rubbish and not sympathetic, then when they moved house she got a new one who really helped. i'm sure she was given something which gave her a period which then helped her cycle return? I'll post when I hear back from her (might be a while, her youngest is only little... would've been a friend of Eddy's sad ).

missalexandra Thu 04-Jul-13 22:07:03

Owl Any sign of AF? Are you starting to think of maybe POAS? Did you get your gnashers sorted? Gosh cant imagine right now finding the courage to go to the dentists, I am such a wuss were dentists are concerned...hope youve been braver and gone! Its awful when both of you coincide with a bad day isnt it? Being able to support the other one when they're down is so important. Are you both feeling better now?

Its good to hear that I'm not the only one dreading being part from DH. I am going to arrange coffees with friends and something for every day so that I at least am not moping round the house. Just looked on the net and Shanghai is 9,800 kilometres away sad

Star thanks for the idea of Skype! Dont know why I hadnt thought of it. Anyway we set it up and tested it last night so at least I'll be able to see him once a day. Like you say it'll be better than just a phone call. I dont think I actually want anyone staying over, Im still at the point where I can take people in small doses but after an hour or so I'm dying to get away and stop pretending (that I'm ok and want to engage in banal conversations that dont include Alex). Gosh that sounds awful but its how I feel right now. Are the waterworks sorted now?

Google I think you are right about the morbid thoughts, we have sort of lost our "innocence" havent we? We know that bad things can and do happen to normal people like us. It is comforting to know that its not just me though. I remember being told that even though they knew one of my pregnacies was ectopic, that I only had a one in 20,000 possibility of it being in my cervix....yes you guessed, it was a cervical pregnancy and turned into a total nightmare. After 7 years of being on the wrong side of statistics I thought it couldnt get any worse, how wrong I was. Sorry to hear you question your own judgement after losing Eddy, I know exacly what you mean. I am still torturing myself with guilt about bad decisions made that affected Alex, and it definitely has altered my self confidence in the present too. You did the best you could for Eddy at that moment in time, the rest was up to the medical profession which we have no control over sad

Oliviarosemummy we have left Alex's nursery exactly as it was (ready) I bought her a miniature rose plant and keep it in there, I go in and tend it every day and its been blooming for months. Maybe I just use it as an excuse to go in there, but it has become a comforting ritual. Maybe you could simply close the door on the nursery until you feel strong enough to make a decision? Hope you are coping as well as you can and have people who care around you. Hugs

Little thank goodness you have got your appointment and things have started to move at long last!

Jules so sorry to hear things are not going well , sounds like your getting passed from pillar to post and nobodys taking any responsibility. Im afraid I dont know what to suggest about AF but just wanted to say I feel for you and I hope Google's friend might have some good advice for you.

AFM, had a bit of a bad day today, went for my last session with the psychologist. I have been seeing her weekly since February, she knows the whole sorry story from back to front...and today she said THREE times "your little boy" !!! Surely she could at least remember Alex was a girl?? Getting more and more nervous about DH leaving on Saturday, but thanks for all your support xx

Hugs to all xx

OwlinaTree Thu 04-Jul-13 22:31:47

Well miss still no AF - day 39. This is the longest i've had, but that was 37. Humm maybe 2nd round of POAS is due?

Tooth much better today, have dentist appointment tomorrow. Mixed as i can get it for free using maternity exemption but then of course have to tell around 20 people that my baby is dead. Or pay and not have to explain. Hummm, tough choice.

I'm glad you have lots of things organised for when your DH is away. Good for you, and wtf at the therapist! It's not that hard for her to remember, surely? grrrrr hope overall the therapy helped tho.

Googledoodle Fri 05-Jul-13 11:56:55

jules my friend was on metformin too and was also advised to lose weight which did help (not implying that's an issue for you though!). She was also prescribed something beginning with 'n' which kick started her periods but she can't remember the name. Maybe it's worth trying a different gp (which is what worked for her) and as star suggested explain from the emotional side as there obviously is at least one more thing (and probably more) that they could try. At our practice different gps specialise in different things, it says about them on their website. Maybe see if that's the case at yours? I'm sorry not to be more help, it totally sucks that you're even having to think about cycles and ttc.

I am feeling rubbish, we had arranged the burial of Eddy's ashes for next week, and were going to put up a plaque for him on the wall of the church as the graveyard is so full that they don't allow individual marked graves any more. It's our local church that we go to each week, and we felt it would be helpful for us all to be able to see his plaque each week. I was sort of looking forward to getting it all done and being able to move forward and try to start letting go and ttc and everything. But we just got the paperwork and it seems you can only put the plaque up for 10years with a possible extension to 20. But then that's it, and they don't even guarantee to give you the plaque. I just feel like that's no time at all, I'll still be grieving and at the time when we should've been thinking about secondary school, or him being at uni, or whatever would've been happening in his life in 10or 20 years, he would essentially be in a totally unmarked grave. I hate that idea, and I don't know what to do now sad.

missalexandra Fri 05-Jul-13 16:39:21

Oh Google thats really upsetting for you. Thinking you had things under control and that the plaque was going to give you a bit of solace each week and now the future is indefinite. What a ridiculous rule, honestly. How on earth can they think that anyone would only neeed to see it there for ten years....and then what?? Is there anywhere else you could bury Eddys ashes where you can have a permanent memorial to him?

Like you I find the idea of an umarked grave very upsetting. We were offered the option of letting A's body go to a "communal" baby grave if we couldnt have afforded to cremate her. Where "fetuses" as they call them (how I hate that word) are put together but with just one general marker. So sad and definitely not an option for us sad

Sorry, no idea what to advise you but sending you a hug anyway xx

Star0909 Fri 05-Jul-13 18:41:49

Hi Miss I am gobsmacked by your counsellor's comments, how ridiculous and such a shame to have your sessions end on a negative note. I hope today is a bit better for you. Also thinking of you as your DH goes away tomorrow.

Google that is such a shame about the church guidelines, I agree that 10years is a very short, even for someone who died when they were old, I mean most people have younger family who outlive them by more than 10years. Can you talk to the vicar and see if there is some sort of exceptions process? Alternatively (and I know it isn't what you imagined) but maybe you could think abut something for your garden, maybe some sort of statue, or memorial that could go with you if you ever move house. This might sound odd, but when I visited the stonemason for F's stone he was working on a big boulder that had been shaped like a massive pebble (probably about a foot high) and he was engraving it. Since then I have thought that when we move house I would quite like something like that to remember F in my garden and I like to think that future children (if we are lucky enough) might play and climb on it and then it will be like their big brother is a real part of their lives. There are so many ways in which you can remember Eddy and have a permenant memorial to him on earth, but it will just take some adjustment because you can't have what you hoped for. Having said that, I really hope that the vicar can make an exception for you.

Owl def time to POAS again. Good luck with the dentist, I went recently and just paid, I didn't want to have to explain in a waiting room full of people, but then I had to tell the dentist that I was ttc as she wanted to take an x-ray and she started waffling on about how gums bleed etc during pregnancy I just nodded and smiled politely, but really wanted to just say "yes, I know, I've had a baby".... I mean honestly, even something like a trip to the dentist is a minefield for us now....

Jules hope you are ok xxx

lemonsherbet Sat 06-Jul-13 07:27:57

Just a quick note, my little boy was born on Wednesday by emergency section. We are doing good. Just a little sore at the moment. But he is happy and healthy. There is nothing like hearing him cry compared with the silence last time. Thanks to all those who have held my hand the pst 9 months

Congratulations lemon enjoy the cuddles

Star0909 Sat 06-Jul-13 09:35:44

Congratulations Lemon I'm so pleased he arrived and is safe and healthy x

OwlinaTree Sat 06-Jul-13 13:00:06

Congratulations Lemon i'm so pleased for you! Enjoy your beautiful baby.

Jules829 Sat 06-Jul-13 13:45:57

Congratulations Lemon.... Enjoy every minute! I'm sure you will smile xx

missalexandra Sat 06-Jul-13 16:20:35

Lemon that is such good news! Congrats and enjoy every single wonderful second smile xx

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