Rainbow babies. Remembering our angels, riding the rollercoaster and hoping for little rainbows and sunshine.

(1000 Posts)
Little9 Thu 31-Jan-13 20:17:09

An angel in the book of life wrote down our babies births. And whispered as she closed the book...too beautiful for this earth.

Fingers crossed for rainbows and BFPs for everyone!

Thank you ladies.

We just relaxed all day watching tv, and talking. We didn't go to cornwall in the end due to the ligament pain, because I'm the only driver it seamed a bit silly. We tried to release the lanterns last night but the wind was a bit strong. Try again tonight.

Babyh200 Tue 30-Apr-13 06:55:28

Rainbox: Thinking of your beautiful son Dexters 1st birthday. I wish he was here its so unfair that he isn't. I hope the day passes by gently for you. Sending lots of love xxxxx

Thinking of you rainbox I hope today is gentle on you, but if its not then that's ok too. Hugs to you.

greengoose Tue 30-Apr-13 07:45:46

Rainbox, Dexter will be in my thoughts today. Such a precious and loved little boy. It really doesn't seem like a year could have passed. The spring flowers are out in force here, I will pick a bunch for Dexter later today. X

poglol Tue 30-Apr-13 07:53:59

Thinking of you Rainbox. Much love.

Fan, i hope your day went well. Did you manage to release your lanterns? That is a lovely idea.

My AF has finally shown up, only 9 days late! Talk about getting my hopes up.

Going to try this fertility monitor my friend gave me this month, see if it helps. Anyone else ever used one?

Googledoodle Tue 30-Apr-13 10:14:26

Hello all. I'm new to posting on this thread, wish I wasn't, but then I guess you all wish you didn't need to be on here. It's the only thread on mn i seem to have been able to read since my son was born 4 weeks ago. He had died because of a large placental abruption. He would have been due tomorrow.

Star0909 Tue 30-Apr-13 11:05:58

Rainbox thinking of you and Dexter today xxxx

Google a very sad welcome, yes we all wish we didn't have to be on this thread. If you feel able to tell us more about your son we would love to hear about him. I am quite new on the thread, but the ladies here have all been incredibly supportive. My son was stillborn at 27 weeks in September last year, I miss him every second of every day.

blizy Tue 30-Apr-13 12:02:21

Rainbox, thinking of you and your beautiful little Dexter today. Sending lot go hugs in your direction. Xxx

blizy Tue 30-Apr-13 12:06:23

Google, I'm so very sorry you are joining us here. Please do tell us more about your ds if you like. My dd, Zoe was stillborn at 41 weeks in feb 2011 due to defective placental maturation. I have been ttc now for 2 years with no success. The ladies on here are wonderfully supportive and we all help each other through the bad times and smile about the good times. I hope you can find some comfort here. X

Googledoodle Tue 30-Apr-13 14:05:41

Thanks star & blizy. So sorry to hear about your dcs - and then difficulties conceiving as well sad. One of the reasons I haven't posted before is that I feel I somehow have less right to be so sad as I already have 3 beautiful dcs - Eddy was our 4th after 3 very straight forward pgs. But he was so very much wanted, both by us and his siblings, and I feel bad for the fact they are grieving too. If I hadn't been so 'selfish', there would just have been me feeling sad for not having another, whereas now everyone is sad. And I should have been happy with 3, especially when there are people struggling to have their first.

google welcome, and I really mean that it doesn't matter at all that you have other children, many on this thread have.
My daughter Ophelia was stillborn two years ago due to a knot in her cord. She was my first born. I've suffered two miscarriages since and I'm now 13 weeks pg.
I hope you find this thread as supportive as I have.
Please don't blame yourself, we cannot predict that that our children would die. It is still very early for you, it must still be very raw.

poglol Tue 30-Apr-13 21:44:55

Hi Google, welcome. My child was born in September, but died 3 days later due to oxygen starvation during the birth. She was our first child. We have been ttc since then, so far no luck.

We are just about to try this fertility monitor, I'm a bit hummm about it as i don't want us to feel under pressure, but dh starting to get impatient now, so need to start making steps towards the science. It's 3 years this week since we started trying for a baby. Had no idea what this journey would be like 3 years ago.

lemonsherbet Wed 01-May-13 08:27:00

google sorry that you find yourself on this thread. It is one that no one wants to join but you have come the right place for some support. My son was found to have died in the womb in May 2011, they never found out why, told me everything looked perfect. I have had a miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy since, but am now 32 weeks pregnant with my rainbow. I think the fact that you already have had children makes no difference. We have all lost a child and know what it is like to hold/see your sleeping child. I remember the first few months were very tough. If you want to talk more about your experiences or worries we are here.

lemon how are you doing? Have they been looking after you with extra scans?

green I see you got your woollyhug, it looks amazing.

Googledoodle Wed 01-May-13 12:15:41

Thanks fanjo, poglol & lemon. I'm sorry about your dcs each of you - all the stories are slightly different and yet so horribly similar. thank you for all being so kind - one thing that has really helped has been how kind so many people have been.
What fanjo said made me realise two of the things that keep going round in my head "we can't predict that our children would die" - that's true, i had no reason other than turning 35 to think there would be a problem, so I can sort of forgive myself for putting my kids through this this time, but if I were to try again, I'd know it was more likely to happen again. Which makes me think I shouldn't iyswim - but obviously it's something I long for - I tried for ages to shake the longing for another, and never managed it, I don't think it's likely to be any easier now, when I keep forgetting he's dead and briefly think I'm still pg as it is.

And the other thing - "it must still be very raw for you" - I keep wondering if I'll always feel the way I do now, or if in some way things will get better? I don't see how I could ever properly feel ok even with lots of other good things to enjoy in my life, but I don't have anything to compare this to. Would I actually feel better if I had another child? My dcs bring me massive comfort, but would I just still be grieving in the midst of struggling with all the sickness, worry, and (even assuming everything went well) absolute knackeredness?

Sometimes I wish I could just switch my thoughts off, all I can do is go over the same things.

Star0909 Wed 01-May-13 12:27:14

Hi Google I can understand the longing for another baby (I think we all do on this thread) if you do decide to have another baby I'm sure the hospital would monitor you more closely and hopefully another abruption could be prevented. Did you go for a post mortem, or was there no point?
In terms of feeling better, in my experience the sadness is with me constantly but I am much better able to cope with it now than I was in the early days and I think that is how it is for most of us. 4 weeks is no time at all and I think one of the most important things is to allow yourself time to grieve and feel how you feel x

Star0909 Wed 01-May-13 12:28:32

And also thinking of you lots today on Eddy's due date, it's a tough milestone to get through x

google two years ago I felt the same, and its not that it easier or you forget you never ever forget. But its like its always there it is a part of you and everything else grows around it. I would say it took 18 months for me to stop spontaneously crying, I still get sad now, have the old what if moments, but its just something that I carry along with me. Everyone is different, DH and I laugh a lot about Fi, it might sound strange to others but even though she died we can look back with fondness at certain memories. All you can do is take one day at a time, and if that is too much then one hour or even one minute!

lemonsherbet Fri 03-May-13 07:10:23

google also echo what fan says. It does gradually get easier. I still find myself thinking about him, remembering that he had my DH hands. But gradually you find that you are able to cope slightly better each day. I understand the need for another baby and I do not expect this one to replace him.

fan yes still having my fornightly scans to try and help manage my anxiety. They are still not wanting to deliver me early. They view this has a low risk pregnancy it is just my obstetric history which means I am consultant care and needing regular scans!! How are things going with you?

greengoose Fri 03-May-13 08:26:38

Sorry I've been off for a while...
Fan, yes, we did get our blanket, and it's stunning. I can't stop looking at all the squares.... And thanks for the card! It was odd getting them a year on, and so close to Merryn's birthday, but nice too. Hope you are doing ok?

Lemon.. It's good they are giving you so many scans, it must help a little bit. They won't deliver me early either, I really don't know why its such a big deal to consider 28 wks, but they just won't. Grrrrr.

Google, sorry to meet you here, and that you don't have Eddy with you. My little girl, Merryn, was born last April. She had a tumour that couldn't be removed, and died six days later. We miss her very badly. I am lucky to have two wonderful boys (10 and 5) and am 23 weeks pregnant with another boy. I have just turned 40.
I found, after Merryn, I almost had no choice but to try again. My body and brain b oth cried out for a baby. Once some time (and one MC) had passed, it felt like I was in control of the decission and could have said no, but we continued to try. Our reasons were partly our own desire to have another, but largely to do with our boys too. My youngest had been so affected by the trauma and stress around Merryns birth and short life that we believed it would be scary but really positive for him to see a 'normal' pregnancy and a healthy baby.
Now I am pregnant the boys are scared, but they are also amazing, and fully expect a little brother. I am trying to hold my nerve, but very scared it will go wrong...
You asked if it gets easier? It does, and i am aware this spring the sun and the colours are more 'vivid' than last year for me. The fog has lifted, but I am not the same. In some ways for the better, more compassionate, better able to see the good in people. But I still grieve, and have to swallow down tears, often every day. The boys are different too, more sensitive to others pain, protective of me, tuned in to adults feelings. But they are fine, and I think it will be very good for them to have a baby brother. I just need to pull it off....
I don't know if that helps, it's still so early for you, you have time to decide. To begin with its like being caught in a storm, but it does ease, you will be happy again. Xxx

Star... Hello lovely! I have to run or I'll be late now, but how are you? Also, if you see KLEINE in RL, could you give her a hug from me? I completely understand why she isnt around, but want her to know she's thought about lots. Thanks! X

Waves to everyone else, catch up better later!

Just a quick one for google. Yes, as fan and greengoose have both said, the pain does become less raw - although sometimes the deep sadness can still overwhelm you. My beautiful red-headed daughter, Mia, died totally unexpectedly at the age of 13 months on October 2011. It still shocks and horrifies me, and it always will.

You somehow absorb the grief and it becomes part of you. Sometimes, you can feel you don't want the hurt to disappear, as it is such a symbol of your love. Gradually though, that love is what shines through. And that is one of the deep truths which make this thread so powerful - we all love our children desperately.

I was fortunate in that five months ago, Mia's little brother, Finn, arrived into our world. It was an emotionally tough pregnancy, but the ladies here helped me hold it together through the inevitable fears and wobbles. Finn doesn't replace Mia in any way, but I am so glad he is here.

RainboxFX Sat 04-May-13 14:15:31

Thank you for all the kind thoughts about Dexter on his birthday. They meant so much, and were so appreciated. This week and next are tough. This time last year he was still alive and I am just remembering everything so vividly and second guessing everything we did and things that happened. It is a lot harder that I thought it would be, and I haven been crying a lot.

google a very warm but sad welcome here. We are always here to hear about Eddy if you want to talk about him. I am so sorry he is not here with you. My son Dexter was born last year at 24 weeks, due to cervix problems. He stayed with us for 12 days but was sadly just too premature to survive. A year on, and it is still hard. We can function, that has gotten easier, but you don't get over it. It just becomes easier to live with. Like others have said we have our happy memories of him pregnancy and short life and we cling to them. He knew nothing but love.

I have been doing some thinking, and have decided to apply to be a parent liason volunteer for the Bliss charity. I need something to do to channel my love for Dexter and my pain.

Have to rush, PILs have just arrived! Am hiding a little because I am not coping too well at the moment, but you are in my thoughts and in my heart.

Ellypoo Sat 04-May-13 15:28:00

Hi lovelies sorry I haven't been around, time just goes - seem to spend hours just looking at Arabella and thinking about Nancy.

How are you all getting on? Have been thinking of you all, especially Fan and Fi, & Rainbox and Dexter xxx

Haven't read back very far but I'm really sorry there are new angel mummies on here xxx

OwlinaTree Sat 04-May-13 17:08:33

Hi guys, this is poglol I've decided to change my name as poglol was not suitable anymore.

Google the pain does get easier to handle as time goes on. It's 8 months now since my baby was born, and i do feel i can be a normal person now (well s normal as I've ever been!) Unfortunately you have to go through the pain, there is no shortcut.

OwlinaTree Sat 04-May-13 17:13:11

Cont...

I'm lucky in that my DH is very open about his feelings, and will talk about our did and cry and grieve. This has helped us both so much. Try to keep your partner close if you possibly can.

Special hello to star kleine fan rainbox and blitzy, thinking of you.

Congrats again elly hope you are enjoying it.

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