Trying again after stillbirth

(10 Posts)
padawow1 Wed 23-Jan-13 13:49:29

Hello. Just looking for some positivity and or people going through similar. A short potted history:

First pregnancy ended in early miscarriage at six weeks.

2nd pregnancy resulted in my beautiful eldest DS Freddie. However he was a twin, his twin was not in the right place (a cornual ectopic) and sadly but thankfully (I say thankfully because Fred would not be here otherwise) stopped developing at 14 weeks.

3rd pregnancy was ectopic

4th pregnancy was without complication and resulted in wonderful DS2 Barnaby

5th Pregnancy also appeared to be as normal as could be hoped, but sadly our 3rd DS, our little boy Felix, was stillborn at 34weeks after a massive placental abruption to which I also almost lost my life as well. He was perfect, 5lbs 11 ounces and looked just like his older brothers as babies. I hate it when people apologise for my "loss". I didnt lose him, I knew where he was at all times. He didnt get lost he died died.

We are now starting to think about trying again. Earlier in this grieving process I swore I would never do it again, feeling I came too close to not being here for my little men to consider it. But now we feel differently, I am assured by the consultant we would be well looked after in a future pregnancy and that the likelihood of such a thing happening again with catastrophic consequences for baby and I, are very slim.
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I am consumed by broodiness now, there are babies everywhere. Like little starfish sitting in prams, in their snow suits. I need a baby in my arms. Not to replace my little man, I couldn't. I am supposed to have a babe and I dont. I'm blooming petrified though, but we have to do it I think, in order to work through some of this pain.

With all that has happened, I just feel like there is a little soul out there wanting and trying to be born, but he just hasn't quite made it out yet. Looking for those in similar position or who have had similar experiences and went on to have a babies again without trouble.

resipsa Wed 23-Jan-13 13:56:56

Couldn't read and run. You've been thorugh the mill. Have had no similar experience (as I don't think one MMC is in the same league) but wish you all the best.

padawow1 Wed 23-Jan-13 14:02:46

Dont be silly. Leaguing irrelevant in these matters. Every baby matters and every time a very much wanted one dies it is a tragedy. Thankyou and sending my best right back to you.

BridgetandtheHairyBrigands Wed 23-Jan-13 14:10:23

padawow there is a thread on here called "Rainbow Babies. Making it through the storm.." which I understand is full of wonderful women who have been through similar experiences. You may want to take a look..

Lots of best wishes for the future.

RainboxFX Wed 23-Jan-13 14:27:55

Padawow so sorry for what you have been through. I am currently pregnant after my son was born prematurely at 24 weeks. He lived for 12 days, but was sadly just too early to survive.

Please can I second the reccomendation for the Rainbow babies thread? It has been my life line through the TTC process and the early days of this pregnancy. There are women there at all stages, TTC, pregnant and with their "Rainbow babies" in arms. It is a very kind and safe space, you would be made very welcome.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/1585137-Rainbow-Babies-Making-it-through-the-storm-missing-our-Angels-loving-and-hoping-for-Rainbows?pg=1

padawow I am sorry to hear about your little boy Felix. It is so unfair, the journey you have been through.

I second rainbox in saying please join us on the rainbow baby thread.

My DD1 Ophelia was stillborn 21 months ago, and since then I have suffered two early miscarriages. I am desperate for a baby, its all consuming. It is hard when we know exactly the worst that can happen, pregnancy will never be the same for us, but its compeling to carry on. Our bodies want and need a baby.

I too hate it when people use the word Lost!

padawow1 Thu 24-Jan-13 22:13:01

Thank you. I will have a look at the other thread. Having a bad day today. I am so sorry this has happened to you. I just cant believe how common it is, so many people who I have known over the years have been touched by this, I had known them and never known what happened to them and their babies as they have only talked about it again when it happened to us. It like being let into this terribly terribly sad conspiracy/secret that so many people are party to, 1000s walking around holding this sadness. Its such a taboo. stillbirth and neonatal death had not been on my radar at all whilst pregnant and I just wish it was spoken about more, as I am positive awareness would without a doubt save lives. Awareness in mothers to be AND in the HCP that care for them. Erring on the side of caution should be drummed into us all from them outset.

OvO Thu 24-Jan-13 22:24:21

My DS2 was stillborn at 36 week (6 years ago). I was pg with my DS3 fairly soon after and he was born 5 days short of a year after my DS2. Apart from the stress it was a perfect pregnancy.

I personally found that having another baby helped ENORMOUSLY. Obviously losing my DS2 was the worst thing to have happened to me but if he hadn't died then I wouldn't have my DS3. I kind of look at it as my DS2 stepped aside to let his little brother exist. So from the bad came the good. But I know that's just my thinking and not how it feels for others. But it definitely helps me (and my DH) to think like this.

RainboxFX Fri 25-Jan-13 16:30:42

the nicest thing that happened to me was after I had gone back to work. One of the engineers who comes in to visit asked if I had had that baby yet. I explained what had happened, he gave me a massive hug and told me about his first son who had been stillborn 25 years ago. HE told me you never forget, and it never gets better, but you learn to live with the new normal. You are right, it is so widespread, but people find it very hard to talk about. I guess most people don't want to think about that fact that not every pregnancy means taking a baby home.

We too swore we would never have another child, we couldn't go through it again. But we realised I think that Dexter had shown us we were ready to have children, and we owed it to him and us to try for a second one. Six months after he died, I was pregnant.

OvO that is a really lovely way of looking at it.

BabieBeat Fri 25-Jan-13 18:26:37

First off ~ I would like to say how sorry I am that you are not holding sweet Felix in your arms today. It is surely the most devastating situation to have to endure and there are no words to ease the pain. The path becomes a little less rocky as time goes on but the valleys and peaks remind us of the long soulful journey we all must make. My first Granddaughter was born still at 36.6 weeks due to torsion of the umbilical cord ~ not a true knot or nuchal cord but delivers the same devastation and heartache.

According to Dr. Jason Collins of The Pregnancy Institute in New Roads, LA, stillbirth mothers are 5 - 10 more likely to have a recurrent stillbirth, so I am sure with your past history you are considered high risk (if you are not considered high risk ~ find a new healthcare team). Genetic testing may also be something to consider for future pregnancy. My daughter in law was monitored during her second pregnancy from 28 weeks onward by Dr. Collins using daily home fetal heart rate monitoring in conjunction with their own OB. All went very well and our "rainbow" baby Jacks was born on June 14th, 2010! Although Dr. Collins is not monitoring at present, there are companies which do work with health care teams providing monitoring.

I think how you are feeling is very normal. If our own doctors, the experts, cannot predict a stillbirth - how are we to? You will need to be very open and honest with your doctor and you may want to be followed by a Maternal Fetal Specialist or Perinatologist during your pregnancy. The thoughts of going through this pregnancy must be absolutely terrifying for you. I would like to offer some guidelines for you to help based on the latest research. Please discuss these with your health care team and see if they can implement them into your health care plan.

Become your expected baby's guardian. Don’t ever hesitate to call your doctor, midwife or health care team with any questions and concerns you may have ~ they are there to educate and inform you ~ that’s their job!!! And, always trust your gut.

Begin starting to sleep on your left side when you become pregnant!!! At 10 and 18 weeks, have your baby's estimated placental volume (EPV) measured, this will let you know how the placenta is functioning in relation to your baby (there is an app for your IPhone). At 20 weeks on the anatomy scan, make sure the baby's heart, umbilical cord and placenta are visualized for normal development and location; begin a daily journal of baby's moments at this time.

Insist on an additional ultrasound around 28 weeks to check the umbilical cord and placenta as I have mentioned above. If there is a problem, work with your health care team for a close monitoring solution such as ultrasounds, daily home fetal rate heart home monitoring and Fetal Non Stress Tests, etc. Begin kick counting now three times a day and remember a change in baby's movements such as speeding up or slowing down and changes in sleep-wake cycles could be the sign of a compromised baby. Don't ever hesitate to voice your questions and concerns to your healthcare team, and request additional testing and ultrasounds during this pregnancy.

Your baby may experience “hiccups” which will first be noticed as soft, regular, rhythmic movements in the same place. As your pregnancy progresses, they will feel stronger and will eventually feel like hiccups except in your abdomen!!! Your baby’s hiccups should decrease as your pregnancy advances. Although many, many babies have no problem with hiccups, according to Dr. Collins, past 30 weeks your baby should not have hiccups every day. If your baby has daily hiccups, hiccups lasting longer than 15 minutes, or hiccups occurring more than 3 – 4 times in 24 hours, your baby should be evaluated for umbilical cord issues.

Also, check out the websites for Group B Strep (GBS), CMV, Toxoplasmosis etc. Most health care professionals don't mention these infections to moms. Be educated, be proactive, and be vigilant.

Getting to know your baby's movements is imperative. Empowering moms to ask simple questions, be proactive and learn how to be their baby's guardian will help to ensure a happy, healthy and hearty delivery day for all…xo

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