How do you stop ttc affecting your life?

(44 Posts)
Happilymarried155 Fri 28-Dec-12 10:37:39

I'm so depressed, it's been two years and not a single bfp, a lot of friends are due this year and I just want to cry. I feel like I don't know how I can get through another year of heartbreak and the not knowing. We are starting treatment in a few months and I think that's adding to worries. How on earth do people do this for years?

Gilberte Fri 28-Dec-12 11:01:21

Hi, I was just browsing the unanswered messages list and saw this.

I'm sorry you haven't had a reply yet. The boards do seem to be very quiet today.

Hopefully someone who is in a similar postion to you will be able to help you. It must be terrible to be in the position you are in but it sounds positive that you are going to be starting treatment soon.

I'm not sure how people carry on trying for years. I think it's very hard on everyone but I do hear many stories of people trying for years and then conceiving. Have you been given a medical reason for your fertility problems?

highlove Fri 28-Dec-12 11:29:16

Hi Happily. Also been at this for two years and I feel like I'm living my worst nightmare. Not sure what the answer is...I guess you keep going because you have to. But it's awful. And I don't think people who haven't been through it can really understand the depths this takes you to...I read on here somebody (who had successfully come out the other side) who described it as a constant grey pain that goes right to your marrow. I think think that's a pretty good way to put it.

Sorry cant offer more wise words but sending you an unmumsnetty hug. You're not alone. It's shit. But you're starting treatment and thought scary it's a step forward. Be kind to yourself x

Griffomais Fri 28-Dec-12 12:17:30

Hi Happily, Gilberte& Highlove - I am in the same boat TTC 27 months our infertility is unexplained. I just explained my feeling last night to my DH - it's like a giant tidal wave that covers my body and is slowly drowning me I can't escape and I can't find anything to ease the pain. It is heartbreaking and soul destroying - something I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy.

I hope you all get a BFP in 2013 and wish you all well.

We are hoping to start IVF in the New Year privately as the NHS hav turned their back on us.

Gilberte Fri 28-Dec-12 12:23:22

Thanks for the hello but I'm a gatecrasher here. Just didn't want OP to go unasnswered.

I'm lucky to have DCs and sorry to hear about your painful experiences.

I didn't have fertility problems but did have mine when I was nearly 40 so please don't give up.

Happilymarried155 Fri 28-Dec-12 14:30:11

Thanks for your replies, your descriptions are perfect, it's a constant pain that I can't do anything to sort out and make me feel better sad think I'm just having a really down day, found Christmas quite difficult this year. Hopefully I will feel better in the new year.

We too are unexplained fertility, sounds stupid but in way I find that worse. There is no reason we can't concieve it's just not bloody happening!!! sad fingers crossed 2013 is the lucky year!!!

lovesLemonDrizzleCake Fri 28-Dec-12 14:59:15

High happily and highlove, Another veteran here not out the other side, yet. Been TTC for 2,5 years, got my only BFP after IUI and SO in August, but miscarried in September and just got back on the horse. It hurts, it is shit and I've found Christmas this year the worst yet (partly because of the diffed friends with due dates on either side what could have been bringing the grief back to the fore). We're also unexplained and I find that very frustrating. Since having treatment I've noticed that DH's contribution varies a fair bit, so I've adjusted our diagnosis in my head to mild male factor, don't tell him that though wink

I wanted to answer with recognition, and drop some home made mincepies for you two, but I also wanted to give some response to the question you posed in this thread. I don't think you can stop TTC affecting you, but I've found a number of things have helped me cope.

First, I completely lost it at about 2 years of TTC and found some counselling - I cancelled it when I was diffed, but started it properly after MC. It has helped me a lot.
A few of the things which I think made the load lighter for me were: accepting that it is shit, that you can and should take the time to mourn for not getting pregnant the normal way, hating the intrusiveness of fertility treatment, and doing it regardless. That is a big thing we do. I found it helpful (if very difficult) to express why I am doing it (in my case I have a very clear image of the moments after birth, when I am holding our own new-born, that is my goal).
The other thing I realised that if you feel miserable about it, that is normal. You should not beat yourself up about it. Instead you should be nice to yourself. In practical terms, this means initially I tried to get to the hair dressers or beautician vaguely regularly, but since then I got a lovely busy job, so I just decided to make a treat-my-self parcel for Christmas as well (with Dvds, wool, nice shower gel etc).
I write a diary now, and consciously try to see how I feel, and whether I am bottling any stresses, hopes, fears and despairs re: TTC up. Admittedly, I failed the last few days, but it has helped me spot patterns and also bring up things with DH, for instance when I need a bit more support.
Finally, I feel a lot better when I am active. So I joined a running group and a rowing club this autumn (just after the MC). I spend time with the people nearest and dearest. Even if they have children. We spoil my nephews rotten. But when I am having an off-day, I'll avoid people. We did not go to my ILs over Christmas, as there have been issues on and off over the years, and I just didn't want the stress.

Hope this helps a little... Take what can aid you, ignore the rest. Good luck with treatment!!

lovesLemonDrizzleCake Fri 28-Dec-12 14:59:50

Why I wrote High when I ment Hi? It is highlove's name, I guess!

highlove Fri 28-Dec-12 16:34:59

Hi all,

lemon your story is very similar...we got first ever BFP in May after our first IUI with injectibles but then miscarried about eight weeks. For carious reasons we were steered towards IVF rather than IUI again so we had first cycle in Oct...i just presumed it must work because IUI had but sadlt wasn't to be. Have also found this Christmas really tough - my due date was 10 jan so it should all have been very different. Have also recently started counselling and it helps though I can only get an appt once a month which isn't enough for me I don't think. And have also recently started running...haven't been all week though but you've inspired me to get off my bum and go for a run this afternoon. So if nothing else, thanks for that, but also for a very kind and thoughtful post. What's your next step - another IUI?

happily lemon makes a good point re counselling and exercise - if you're not already it is worth exploring. It's early days for me for both and I don't think it's in any way a magic bullet but if nothing else, I get a short-term boost from both when the world doesn't seem quite so awful.

griff soul destroying is absolutely right. And I've lost count of the number of times I've shouted at my DH that I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Normally with expletives when I'm having a 'moment'...poor, lovely man!

lovesLemonDrizzleCake Fri 28-Dec-12 17:06:42

Indeed highlove, that is scarily similar. Although it was our fourth IUI (but the first with injectibles) that led to the pregnancy. And since it worked, we are doing two more. Currently in the 2WW for the first of those but sadly only 1 follie, so not really SO and a tiny developing polyp in my womb not holding out much hope.
How did your run go? I've not been doing much this week, went rowing last Sat, running last Mon, and a lot of sitting on my bottom and eating so far. But we went to Ikea and have been assembling bits most of today, so I guess that is exercise too! I really recommend sticking to counselling, I found it particularly helpful when I was lashing out under hormonal influence at DH earlier this month.

lovesLemonDrizzleCake Fri 28-Dec-12 17:07:46

Btw why did they recommend moving to IVF for you, highlove?

blondebaby111 Fri 28-Dec-12 17:57:53

Hi Happilymarried, you are not alone in all this. After 5 years for us i get good days or weeks and then bad days too, normally when someone has made a happy baby announcement. If i was a man and had balls its just like being kicked in them constantly. We too have unexplainned, it took us quite a few years to pluck up the courage to go for tests hence why we have been trying for so long and i think the hardest part is its not really a diagnosis. I feel like you, there must be some reason why its not happeneing.

I have just gone through our first attempt of ivf that sadly failed..they got 5 eggs from me which all fertilized and had a day 5 transfer of one really strong embie but it didn't work. Just waiting for appointment now to discuss this and the nxt stage. I felt so low after this as we had got so far and everything went well, then bang...no BFP. sad

I really hope 2013 is your year to shine, i know its hard but stay positive..i'd like to think in a few years time we can all look back at this sad part of our life and know we finally got there and made it happpen xxx

SantaBearface Fri 28-Dec-12 18:42:12

Hi Happily - my DH and I haven't been preventing for well over a year and have been 'actively trying' for 5 months now. I told the doctor this in passing and DH and I have been shipped in for tests which have shown that so far I didn't ovulate last month and DH is borderline on his test, so we both have to redo them. I know it isn't quite as long as you have been trying, but people around me too have been getting pregnant and having babies and it feels like we are just left behind and it will never happen, but this is when I allow my feelings to get the better of me.

I don't know if it will ever happen and I did have a moment of what I can only describe as grief (it was like when my dad died) about a week ago when I thought that that was it and I couldn't concieve at all, but I've since managed to overcome this. I too have bad days and good days, but I am trying so hard to stay positive.

One thing that keeps me going is hearing other people's success stories. I have one friend who was TTC for 5 years and has just had her baby before Christmas. She had IVF and it failed, but then in another round got pg and carried the baby to 6 months when she had a mc, which was very sad. Then after all this, she got pg naturally and this was the baby she has now.

My SIL was trying for 3 years before she got pg. She also had 2 mcs before having her baby.

My friend's mum was trying for 9 years before her first baby.

For me, knowing that it is possible even for people who have been told there is unexplained infertility or who have been outright told they can't have children is the most inspiring thing. It really gives me hope. I hope it helps you too.

Happilymarried155 Fri 28-Dec-12 18:47:03

Some really useful comments above, I do go acupuncture and I actually find that amazing just having been the last few weeks with Christmas etc... And I do go to the gym regularly and agree I feel much better when active. I think that I will feel abit better when I get back to work.

I'm really sorry to hear of you hard times above, we are due to start iui, I was worried about this as the success rates are so low but we have been told we have to have three attempts at this before anything Ivf. I have my fingers crossed that it works and I hope you all get your bfp too! Thank you so much for your advice and support it really helps to know that these feelings are totally normal!

Happiestinwellybobs Fri 28-Dec-12 18:55:47

I don't think you can stop it affecting you completely - we were TTC for 10 years. Initially unexplained infertility then confirmed my AMH and FSH levels were too horrendous to try IVF. We have since adopted DD.

I had good days and bad days - the worst were as a HR professional, I was the first point of contact for pregnant employees. So had to put in a bright smile as they announced their pregnancy. Throw in a DSis who fell pregnant a month after coming off the pill and then straight after having her first! It can be grim.

I had counselling - it helped a little. I agree with posters about doing something like exercise. I threw myself into study, and to having fun doing things which would have been difficult with DC. We had some lovely holidays etc. it took the edge off the pain.

But there are success stories... One of our employees came to see me. She was in her 40s and had spent many years TTC and given up. Thinking she was starting the menopause she had been to see her GP, only to find out she was pregnant... with twins!!

Good luck OP - fingers crossed for 2013 smile

highlove Fri 28-Dec-12 18:58:43

Run was ok...felt like I weighed about 40 stone but did 4 miles and feel better for it..

IVF...basically we'd exhausted NHS options so moved to a private clinic. The consultant there was able (finally) to give us some answers as to why it wasn't happening - until that point we'd found a few things on my side which might have made it take longer but shouldn't really stop it happening altogether. Anyway, he found my DH has antisperm antibodies which stop them swimming well...which explains why IUI worked. However the consultant thought we were lucky to have concieved through IUI in the first place and felt ICSI was the best route. I'd have preferred to try again at IUI but was so desperate to be pregnant again I went with what gave us greatest chance statistically. Plus there's the cost aspect - three goes of IUI is the same price as one ICSI attempt and we just felt it was our best shot. I was so sure it must work because IUI had. Anyway I'm in theory doing another ICSI cycle in feb/mar but having a wobble...would prefer IUI and it is the only thing that's worked for us so far...but the consultant thinks that pregnancy was a 'fluke' so am a bit all over the place about what next. The lovely NHS consultant said that if could treat us further he'd give it another go at IUI but them again at that point we'd not discovered the antibodies thing. Argh there's always so much to think and worry about isn't there - one more awful thing about struggling to concieve is you have to make all these decisions. Would welcome other views on this..?

Sorry terribly 'me' post. 2ww over Christmas is tough lemon. When's your OTD...I really really hope it's good news. I only had one egg the month I concieved so you're definitely not out on that count. I'm rooting for you x

SantaBearface Fri 28-Dec-12 19:00:41

As others have said, you are not alone Happily. It's easy to feel that way because it feels like everyone else is finding it so easy to get pg, but it's not the case. It's just that people don't often talk about it if they are having problems maybe because it's too painful or because they don't want to tell anyone else who isn't in the same situation. Lots of people are going through similar problems.

I too go to the gym and find that it helps, but if I'm starting to feel a bit depressed I find that just a walk can help clear my head and make me feel better.

Hang in there and try to find other things to keep you busy. Also, similar to what another poster said, I find that being nice to yourself helps, but I also try to include DH in that and we try to do nice things together to take our minds off it and to just enjoy being together (pub, cinema, a walk, coffee, shopping, whatever you enjoy) - that always works for me.

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better now. FX for those BFPs in 2013. smile

highlove Fri 28-Dec-12 19:12:02

Sorry spent ages writing that in response to lemon and missed loads of posts!

happily I'm glad it made you feel a but better. I think sometimes you do just need to embrace that total shit-ness of it all, have a proper sobbing cry about and come for a rant on here. I genuinely think that helps me...it's like a bit of release and it makes me feel a but better for a while.

highlove Fri 28-Dec-12 19:12:44

Ps sorry for loads of typos - iPhone!

twinklestar2 Fri 28-Dec-12 22:27:10

Hi happily, sorry to hear you're feeling so sad. It's rubbish isn't it? Did your OH have his second SA? AF turned up on Xmas eve... V v hard sad

Lambethmum Sun 30-Dec-12 15:51:42

Just wanted to say that I haven't been able to stop it affecting my life for the last 6 years, even though I have actually had 2dc in that time. After 3 1/2 years of unexplained infertility and 3 failed IUIs we did conceive naturally when we had sort of given up, but not really - I couldn't really stop imaginary symptom spotting etc every single period of that time. I then conceived 3 months into ttc again, which sounds amazingly easy, but was actually hell at the time - even 3 months was enough for me to drive myself and my husband mad with tests and panic, what ifs etc. And now it is starting again!

Happilymarried155 Sun 30-Dec-12 16:47:05

Twinkle, yes he did we are awaiting the results should find out in about a week, if all is ok we wait until march for treatment if they are worse we get an appointment straight away. Sorry to hear AF arrived, I can't even say anything to make you feel better. It's so rubbish!!!' sad

I feel a little better today but feel like I am walking around with a bubble if sadness that isn't going to go away! I think I just need to learn to manage and get on with things!

twinklestar2 Tue 01-Jan-13 11:51:01

Good luck with the results x

lovesLemonDrizzleCake Tue 01-Jan-13 20:02:16

Just popping into say our IUI failed highlove. Another one and then either quitting of getting the big guns (=IVF) out. Not sure what we'll do... Anyhow. I always feel better hormonally once AF is here, so I am okay. Had a good NYE last night. And wanted to wish you all a good 2013, with BFPs and until then managing to cope, somehow!

Happilymarried155 Tue 01-Jan-13 20:33:29

Really sorry to hear that Lemondrizzle, how many times have you had it now? Here you have it three times before moving on to Ivf, we are due out first attempt in march.

I'm glad that you feel ok, I always find after the initial sadness of AF arriving that I feeling abit more chilled, the tww of symptom spotting sends be mad!!!

New Years resolution for me, eat better, drink less, stress less and get bloody pregnant!!!!

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