The worst thing to say to someone TTC(167 Posts)
I've just been reading another thread about how long it has taken people to conceive, and there were some comments made (but not in a nasty way) that make me feel so very uncomfortable!!
I'm 8+6 with my first but it took 12 very long months to get my BFP, and in those last 12 months I've realised some things should never ever be said to a person TTC!
"These things take time"
"It only took us a month, my husband thinks he has super sperm"
People constantly asking if/when you're having kids is horrible. I had that from the moment I moved in with DH from the ILs (ALL of his cousins have DCs). At first (when we weren't ttc) it was just annoying and embarrassing, but when we were unsuccessfullly ttc it was heartbreaking.
People asking if you're pregnant when you're not and desperately want to be (also really fucking rude!)
A colleague asking me, "What's wrong with your face?" (suffering from terrible acne having stopped taking the pill and being unable to take most of the stuff the GP was recommending as an alternative, because we were ttc).
When we started ttc (and didn't tell anyone) DH
stupidly and without asking me told BIL and SIL that we would take all of their baby furniture when they were done with it for their 2. I told DH that I didn't want it in the house as we had no idea if we could conceive or not and I thought it would be bad luck.
After 18mths ttc and 2 weeks after a mc (which no one but us and our best friends knew about) SIL said to 3yo DN on Boxing Day in front of me, and ILs
not PA at all "Engels and Mr Engels need to hurry up and have a baby don't they? Then we can clear out our loft." Cue little DN chorusing, "Yes Engels! Hurry up!"
Fair enough we hadn't told her we were ttc. But it still really upsets me now
and may explain why SIL and I are not that close
And when I did get pg a month or so later and told me boss: "You didn't plan that very well, did you. If you'd planned it a month earlier you could have had the baby in the summer holidays " (I work in a school) Which is exactly when I would have had a baby if I hadn't had a mc.
I think that until you have been through ttc and struggled with it, you don't really have a clue.
The reason I didn't tell my DM we were ttc was that I knew she wouldn't be able to resist asking, "Any news?" every time we talked and I just couldn't face it.
Unfortunate comment to me whilst being wheeled to surgery to remove my ectopic pregnancy. Porter: So how many kids do you have? Me: none this would have been my 1st. U dumbass....
Not a "worst thing to say", but why is it that they always hold fertility consultations in the bloody maternity section of the hospital? I'm lucky that I've now been referred on to the specialist infertility clinic which is on a separate site, but having to sit in a waiting room full of pregnant women during my first few appointments was soul destroying.
At my last appointment there I couldn't stop crying, the pregnant woman sat opposite me got up and moved - I didn't mean to make her feel bad/uncomfortable but I felt so utterly wretched sat there surrounded by what I can't seem to have
I feel really bad now, I realise I have said some of these in the past.
I actually think the worst thing was going to ivf clinics that had photos of happy smiling babies/successful couples holding them blown up all over the walls. Yes, it's nice that they get results, but mortifying for you if you're sitting there waiting trying not to stress and truly not believing your chances are up to much.
Also I hate facebook. Thinking if leaving it altogether. Even my closest friends who are incredibly supportive still post a pic of their cute baby in a reindeer outfit straight after spending the day comforting me after MC. Rahh!
This thread is cheering me up after my second miscarriage! I don't know if I qualify commenting as I have got pregnant. But I am the last of my circle friends to be childless so I have had a few gems.
You need not not try so hard - you will get pregnant when you stop trying -really? so I should avoid having sex during my most fertile days as that would be trying too hard! Perhaps I should use a condom?
For the record both times I did get pregnant - albeit unsuccessfully in the end -were when we were trying really hard - so that is a load of shite!
My friend said she had had sex 9 days in a row (believe me this is not like her) but when she got pregnant insisted she wasn't trying.
Another pregnant friend, after I had bought myself some new clothes as a treat after my second MC, started to winge that at least I could buy nice clothes as she couldn't buy anything at the moment. She did realise what she was saying and check herself.
My friend who I love dearly said the other day, 'Oh yes, it was literally first time trying for me with both of them. I know that we're really lucky, but how can you be so lucky twice over?' Beats me; I'm so unlucky in that respect!
Wonderful thread! I was feeling down because AF has come today - feel much better now.
We've only been ttc for about 6 months; we didn't plan to tell anyone but I had a MC which we told (some) people about. Actually I've told lots of people about my MC, mainly virtual strangers although the odd friend too - it's become my response of choice when people ask whether helping parent DP's children has made me broody/made me regret never having 'my own' (the assumption being that at 40 I've had it). I'm quite private, and I used to just evade the issue; now I look them in the eye and say very calmly, 'actually I had a miscarriage in August' and watch them squirm. I'm not a vindictive person, but if you insist on being so bloody nosy, be prepared for the answer
(The problem is that that then leads on to all the stupid things people say about MC, but that's another thread!)
Another of my favourites, again connected to DP's (wonderful) children: 'can't you just pretend they're your adopted children?' Er, but they're not my adopted children, are they? And they already have a mother, with whom they spend half their time...
I love this thread.
The mythical person who adopted and then got pregnant!! So funny!
I had a cracker yesterday at work from colleague who used an example of her friend who had IVF and then had an awful pg with complications to back up her claim that maybe this was natural selection! The argument being that without medical intervention they would not have been able to reproduce and maybe the pg illness was a sign that they weren't meant to!! FFS!!
I didn't bite......unlike the time she wondered how female rugby players would be able to get boyfriends as who would fancy them???
At an away-course a friend of mine mentioned to the course twat that both her children were adopted. He responded that he was incredibly fertile!!!
I've been at it about a year, which includes 2 MCs and I get a lot of 'relax' and 'take a holiday' also 'just stop trying and it will happen'.
The comments I get from friends are mainly to not put too much pressure on myself ttc etc etc, It's well meant but they can't really understand. It's not a switch on/off thing is it?
Oh, and if I hear HG referred to one more time as 'bad morning sickness' I will pop! I had a friend who suffered with this and it was horrendous.
Rant over.... now why don't we all just 'relax' and let nature take it's course?
I'm wondering if the newly-upduffed royals are going to trigger lots of stupid comments. I'm not sure, in our 3rd year of ttc that I can stand 9 months blow by blow account of maternity clothes and baby names, and the resulting office chatter.
(I know 2 years is absolutely nothing compared with some people, but TTC really exacerbated a lot of other issues...)
I think the worst thing about not/having babies is it feels as if your relationship is in a huge shop window for everyone to peer at. DH and I spent 2 years TTC, and the associated stresses of having sex on demand for that time, and 'failing' to get pregnant, along with a lot of other stuff, basically killed that side of our marriage stone dead. Now we get lots of helpful comments like 'have you thought about IVF?' and 'why don't you both relax?' and I just want to shout, 'there's nothing wrong with me, we just don't ever have sex anymore!'
This is particularly true of my MIL. Don't ask questions that you don't want to hear the answer to.
When work colleagues start going on at me, I get incredibly sarcastic, give them my GPs contact details, offer them my phone to call OH and tell them my pant size and when I last dtd, etc, until they back away.
It's cut the crap right down!
I still get told I should move desks because there is a pregnancy ley line in the office rolls eyes
Been ttc for 7 years, 2 ops, 1 mc, 1 failed ivf.
Being told by other people so sad that my mother won't be a grandmother - if I could do something I would.
Asking if I was on the pill!!!
Take up a hobby
This thread is fantastic.
...and I just have to add what was said to me today by a colleague who needs to go on a 'How to engage brain before opening gob' course
in general, not just with this comment
"You've done the right thing not having kids, my advice is leave it til you're 60 - they're such a nightmare, there's days I wish I'd never had mine."
I had my GP the other day saying 'You'd better get a move on'. Won't post all the responses that ran through my head . . .
*Dsis asked 'Would you hurry up and get on with it so I can start buying pink?'
We'd been trying six months when DB announced (aged 19 at the time) - 'We're having a baby, oops'
DStep-sis one year later (also aged 19 at the time) - I'm pregnant, no it wasn't planned'.
Nine months later after both nephews had arrived - 'Would you hurry up and get on with it so I cam start buying pink?'
Hi Cabbage and anyone else who is ttc, have you seen the brookers threads? A lovely place to get ttc support, advice, off load and anything else you could imagine. pop over and say hi we might even tell you what rat smacking means
...Can I just point out that my sisters are the most supportive and caring sisters anyone could ever have; they have consoled me and been there for me and normally get is spot on with saying the right things....I guess the above is an example of how a throw away comment can hurt!!!
Or from myself - while watching Countryfile where they showed them testing the heifers, and saying that those that had never bred were sent away. Apparently they get sent for pet food, so DP said maybe we should start offering them a home (he's a softie) - I said yeah, great, a home for Barren Heifers, I'll fit right in! GINJM brilliant!
I have lurked forever on MN and avoided for a long while after getting obsessed and on ther verge of breakdown dwelling on the conception/pregnancy pages (3 years trying and counting)
I am at my desk wiping tears of pain AND laughter.
THANK YOU ALL for sharing especially the description of "grey pain and rage that runs right though you" (or words to that effect). My sister announced (...on my birthday no less!!) that she is 14 weeks with her third but not sure what to do...my other sister said "oh just have it and give it to Cabbage"!!!...this has messed with my head more than anything!
Lots of sympathy to those on here who are ttc, its hard enough in itself without stupid, insensitive remarks from the mouth-open-brain-asleep brigade
DH wanted to get married before we started ttc so we did. 2 weeks after the honeymoon he was diagnosed with testicular cancer. Needless to say things had to be put on hold for a while! I put up with three office pregnancies while he went thru surgery and chemo with endless comments of " itll be your turn next/ soon/ thought youd be pregnant by now" which made me furious or horribly miserable depending on the day.
Once the treatment was done we were told to wait a year before ttc to ensure the chemo hadnt affected the sperms genetics and to get a healthy baby. I was really shocked at the number of people who told us to 'ignore the drs' and 'just get on with it'. Clearly they know better than a Reproductive Consultant in Oncology with 20 years experience!
Well it's good to laugh about it eh! Might venture into the serious threads at some point....
glad loving fact this thread inspired your first post!!!
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