The worst thing to say to someone TTC(167 Posts)
I've just been reading another thread about how long it has taken people to conceive, and there were some comments made (but not in a nasty way) that make me feel so very uncomfortable!!
I'm 8+6 with my first but it took 12 very long months to get my BFP, and in those last 12 months I've realised some things should never ever be said to a person TTC!
"These things take time"
"It only took us a month, my husband thinks he has super sperm"
Oh yes. I remember these.
We ttc for 7 years, had 4 miscarriages including one of twins and an ectopic.
Like Kitstwins, we eventually had our 'miracle twins', who are now 3.
I could have fucking killed everyone who said 'just relax and it will happen'.
Good luck to all of you.
My knob-end alcoholic ex emailing to say his girlfriend was pregnant, by 'accident': 'it was surprisingly easy to get pregnant'.... while me and my lovely man are actually trying
with no trickery on my part
Good luck to them both
the trickery being my bitter conjecture: it might be a proper accident....
I'd forgotten my mother saying 'Any news?' every month for months on end. Gah.
I did have someone say something lovely - I finally broke down at work and my boss and I had a chat and a hug. He said that his DD was conceived via IVF and he was amazingly supportive. They didn't tell people about how she was conceived because they'd heard all of the above.
Not been TTC as long as some, but I've got some brilliant ones ...
bitch mum has straight out called me barren. No sugar coating, straight out "the fact you've not had children let makes me very concerned you're barren"
one "friend", knowing I had just has MC#1 told me i could talk to her any time as she knew what it was like. Her knowing what it was like to lose a much wanted baby was having a termination at 23 weeks out of choice. Just slightly different love
DH's mates talking about how crap it was their DP's were pregnant, when all we want is to be.
MIL constantly making gleeful whoops when I refuse a glass of wine. Last time was after MC#2 (we hadnt said anything after MC#1) and I went so postal at her I don't think she'll do it again just in case.
Oh and not exactly the expected tone... but not knowing I'm TTC the amount of nasty remarks aimed at a pregnant co-worker (All about the fact she dare be pregnant) I hear from my boss is kinda messed up.
Yesterday someone on a fertility forum had the balls to say 'you just need to RELAX, stress is the biggest problem preventing pregnancy'. What a fucktard.
Relax bollocks my arse. I eventually conceived the day I moved house into a tiny flat, lived on petrol station food and Marlboro and was sued for a hideous amount of money.
DH's best man told DH he was jaffa. Bastard.
I knew the way to get pregnant was to start smoking and drinking blue label cider by the litre, topped up with maccie D's
twinks the wine thing!!!!!!
My SIL has said to me before "you're drinking then? Nothing to tell me"
Oooooooh and another one
The not so discreet belly glance like just by looking at me you'd be able to tell what was going on!!!
The most memorable one was mrsparks uncle, we'd not been together long and he made a big deal of looking at me from the side to see if I was showing (we weren't even trying), he declared it was a bit of a disappointment!!!! Really really bad thing is we were at mrsparks grandmothers funeral, the uncles mother!!!
My heart goes out to all of you on here. I get really sad if I think about DH never being a dad.
I'm sure I've said insensitive things in the past when I was younger and stupid, so I tend to forgive people if they're a bit younger for being ignorant.
The worst thing that happened to me was being in the pub with co-workers and someone announcing to the whole group that my boss was reluctant to give me a job because she was trying to find out from everyone if I was pregnant or if I was planning to be; if I was, she didn't want to give me the job. How true it was, I don't know. Totally illegal on her part if it was and a whole conversation with my fertility as the focus ensued. To say I felt uncomfortable was an understatement. Perhaps even worse, it came up again at the pub a few weeks later. I stopped going to the pub in the end.
We also had FIL say to DH and I over dinner with him and MIL: 'You get to a certain age when there's something missing from your life if you haven't had children. ' We both mumbled and changed the subject.
Maybe we should also include on here other things that get on your wick while TTC? I now can't watch One Born Every Minute and I have just seethed my way through 15 Kids and Counting - why I didn't turn it off I don't know. Won't be watching that one again. It's not that I hate everyone else who has children. Other people have captured it really well on here when they've said it's just so painful and raw, and it never seems to go away.
Hugs to everyone on here.
I know it's already been mentioned lots up-thread but "Have you thought about adoption?" is my favourite. I want to reply "No, we haven't, but what a great idea! thanks so much!"
"Do you want to borrow my husband? He has a massive cock and I'm sure he'd get you knocked up straightaway"
"You must be doing something wrong"
"If you don't mind I won't be coming round any more, my boys get bored at your house because you don't have children for them to play with" (said by a friend who I'd known since the age of eight)
"Be glad you don't have any, my DD has really been playing me up today"
"It'll be your turn next!" is another one that really gets me. I've often felt like replying "Really?! So you know about some hitherto undiscovered leap in medical science that will solve all my problems?"
A great Tweet from actor Zach Braff this afternoon:
@zachbraff: When a relative asks you an annoying question, say "Sorry, I briefly blacked out and went to a world where you minded your own business."
Rosie - you're friend saying your house was boring, what a fucking bitch
Having lurked for ages, I just had to register so I could make my first post on this thread - Thank you all for cheering me up, some genuine LOL moments on here!
When trying to come to terms with the idea of being childless (DP has had vasectomy, recently agreed to have it reversed) I talked about all of the things that are good in our life, to help me see the positives.. then was told (by my sister, who has 2 kids) "Oh well it sounds like you don't really want kids then"....
Yeah, we're considering having surgery just for fun!
Also, friend who NEVER wanted kids, but now has 2, with 3rd on the way "Oh count yourself lucky, we're so jealous of you being able to go on a lovely holiday"
Or from myself - while watching Countryfile where they showed them testing the heifers, and saying that those that had never bred were sent away. Apparently they get sent for pet food, so DP said maybe we should start offering them a home (he's a softie) - I said yeah, great, a home for Barren Heifers, I'll fit right in!
Winkle - thanks when she said it I was so shocked I didn't really say anything back but it upset me for ages afterwards. Needless to say I've not been in contact with her since!
glad loving fact this thread inspired your first post!!!
Well it's good to laugh about it eh! Might venture into the serious threads at some point....
Lots of sympathy to those on here who are ttc, its hard enough in itself without stupid, insensitive remarks from the mouth-open-brain-asleep brigade
DH wanted to get married before we started ttc so we did. 2 weeks after the honeymoon he was diagnosed with testicular cancer. Needless to say things had to be put on hold for a while! I put up with three office pregnancies while he went thru surgery and chemo with endless comments of " itll be your turn next/ soon/ thought youd be pregnant by now" which made me furious or horribly miserable depending on the day.
Once the treatment was done we were told to wait a year before ttc to ensure the chemo hadnt affected the sperms genetics and to get a healthy baby. I was really shocked at the number of people who told us to 'ignore the drs' and 'just get on with it'. Clearly they know better than a Reproductive Consultant in Oncology with 20 years experience!
Or from myself - while watching Countryfile where they showed them testing the heifers, and saying that those that had never bred were sent away. Apparently they get sent for pet food, so DP said maybe we should start offering them a home (he's a softie) - I said yeah, great, a home for Barren Heifers, I'll fit right in! GINJM brilliant!
I have lurked forever on MN and avoided for a long while after getting obsessed and on ther verge of breakdown dwelling on the conception/pregnancy pages (3 years trying and counting)
I am at my desk wiping tears of pain AND laughter.
THANK YOU ALL for sharing especially the description of "grey pain and rage that runs right though you" (or words to that effect). My sister announced (...on my birthday no less!!) that she is 14 weeks with her third but not sure what to do...my other sister said "oh just have it and give it to Cabbage"!!!...this has messed with my head more than anything!
...Can I just point out that my sisters are the most supportive and caring sisters anyone could ever have; they have consoled me and been there for me and normally get is spot on with saying the right things....I guess the above is an example of how a throw away comment can hurt!!!
Hi Cabbage and anyone else who is ttc, have you seen the brookers threads? A lovely place to get ttc support, advice, off load and anything else you could imagine. pop over and say hi we might even tell you what rat smacking means
We'd been trying six months when DB announced (aged 19 at the time) - 'We're having a baby, oops'
DStep-sis one year later (also aged 19 at the time) - I'm pregnant, no it wasn't planned'.
Nine months later after both nephews had arrived - 'Would you hurry up and get on with it so I cam start buying pink?'
*Dsis asked 'Would you hurry up and get on with it so I can start buying pink?'
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