The worst thing to say to someone TTC

(167 Posts)

I've just been reading another thread about how long it has taken people to conceive, and there were some comments made (but not in a nasty way) that make me feel so very uncomfortable!!

I'm 8+6 with my first but it took 12 very long months to get my BFP, and in those last 12 months I've realised some things should never ever be said to a person TTC!

"Relax"

"It'll happen"

"These things take time"

"It only took us a month, my husband thinks he has super sperm"

Anything else?

Acepuppets Fri 16-Nov-12 11:33:16

Another one - sort of related to ttc - is when you actually have baby it isn't long before they ask when you are going to have another one.

Startail Fri 16-Nov-12 11:44:34

And the best a quiet squeeze of my hand and a look that said he understood from the dad of IVF twins.

MaryZezItsOnlyJustNovember Fri 16-Nov-12 11:45:21

Oh, and dh got a lot of "shooting blanks" type comments, which really, really got to him.

I think men don't realise that other men can be grieving about not having children just as much as women can sad. dh got no support at all from friends - just slagging hmm.

DownTheRabidHole Fri 16-Nov-12 11:49:44

freak Most people who have "contraceptive failures" are lying and have sub-consciously chosen to be "lax" with contraception - women in particular choose not to use contraception as they feel it (pregnancy) will forge a bond with their partner. "Forgetting" to take the pill is not the same as it failing to work. The majority of medics are in agreement that people lie about this.

after one ectopic, resulting in loss of a tube, one healthy DD and a MMC in Jan this year, MIL keeps telling us to "pull your finger out" what the fuck does she think we have been doing. Does she think it is simply a case of sex = pregnancy !

rabbitonthemoon Fri 16-Nov-12 12:08:34

If my mil makes one more comment about me being a career woman who put it off I might just explode. It isn't even true.

Worst things.

Relax/go on holiday/adopt/get pissed/use a surrogate
There are worse things that can happen
I knew someone's aunties best friends dog who...
Better get a shift on, tick tock
Could you have a secret affair? (I kid you not)
Have you tried ovulation sticks?
Have you tried a pillow under your bum?
Are you doing it enough?
Your sphincter muscles are more important than your fertility
I wish I'd never had kids, you're lucky.
And - never mentioning it ever again after I've disclosed.

Best things

You'll get there
I'm here if you need me
I understand, it must be very hard
Keep going and generally things that make me feel positive, not hopeless.

another 'accident' moan, because lets face it, it's not just aimed at people who are on the pill

"It was an accident, we were using the withdrawal method" shock
I didn't realise people still classed withdrawal as a method!!!!

Have If you're putting your fingers in the places they need to be pulled out from you're doing it wrong!! grin

EuroShagmore Fri 16-Nov-12 12:54:25

Another, much beloved of Daily Hate commentators on feritliy treatment stories "There's always adoption". Always said by those who have children of their own. Funnily enough, I have never heard this from anyone who is adopted or has adoptd.

Yes, because adopting babies is p1ss easy in this country and there is an endless supply for us barrens. BTW, why didn't you adopt instead of breeding? Perhaps, because whilst it is a wonderful thing, it is not a substitute for not having a genetic child. It is different.

EuroShagmore Fri 16-Nov-12 12:54:58

FFS, I must learn to proof read my posts!

Petershadow Fri 16-Nov-12 13:07:21

You'll have to get a move on, don't want DS to be an only child

Mummy, I really want a baby brother or sister

gnushoes Fri 16-Nov-12 13:15:07

thanks misswinkly. Good to know what good responses are, as well as bad.

axure Fri 16-Nov-12 13:23:04

EuroShagmore I'm adopted and I hope my Mum doesn't think of me as a poor substitute for a genetic child. It's not just TTC people who can have their feelings hurt. I know you didn't mean it personally, but neither do the people who make flippant comments about getting pregnant.

highlove Fri 16-Nov-12 13:32:56

"I suppose it's lucky you haven't got pregnant yet" from someone who knew we were having problems, after hearing my DH had been made redundant. Yes lucky is EXACTLY how I feel. Twat.

After I miscarried after two years trying "well at least you get to have more fun trying." Actually, TTC stopped being fun quite a while ago. And that particular pregnancy was achieved by my husband wanking into a pot in a small broom cupboard and a nurse them sticking a tube up my lady garden to insert the product of said wank. That was A LOT of fun.

"Relax and it will happen. " It won't.

"It will be you next." I hope so but it probably won't.

"my ex-colleage's neighbour's gran's sister got pregnant after x, y, z". Good for them.

"You can adopt." Actually I probably can't. But it's not the same anyway.

Best thing: "I'm so sorry. It really is shit. Let me know if you want to talk, or not if you don't".

sparkle maybe she just doesn't understand how you get pregnant lol afterall she only has one child herself, maybe she is baffled to this day smile

Oh I just remembered - "you can't possibly know what its like to be busy since you don't have any children".

'You career women - what do you expect' - arghh got that from so many people that assumed I made a choice to be childless. What should I have stayed in bad relationships and got knockedup because my fertility was at its prime? And what is wrong with having a 'career' type job while I live my life and am hoping to find the right life partner...

EuroShagmore Fri 16-Nov-12 15:02:50

axure I think you have misunderstood my post. I was saying pretty much the opposite to what you have understood. Perhaps I worded it badly. I certainly don't consider adoption as providing a poor substitute for a genetic child. If you read my post I clearly say that adoption is absolutely not a substitute for a genetic child. It is an entirely different (and equal) thing. A substitute implies that it is second best in some way, which I absolutely don't believe. I certainly didn't suggest it was a poor substitute and it makes me very angry when people suggest that if you can't reproduce you can pick up an adotion child instead. I was saying that it seems to be the Daily Mail commentators who see it as such. As you might be aware, you usually won't be considered as an adoptive parent if you are trying to get pregnant and a gap of a year is preferred post-fertility treatment, precisely so that the adoption is not seen as a substitution for a genetic child. But most of the Daily Mail bunch have no idea about this.

FWIW, Mr Euro and I have considered adopting so I have done some research and given it a fair amount of thought. I would probably go ahead, but he is less sure at the moment.

joycep Fri 16-Nov-12 15:19:19

I particularly hated MiL’s comment ...:”can i stay in your nursery?”.......FFS,  we’re not pregnant and we don’t have a child, the room contains a bed and a desk – not a cot , so i’d prefer it if you would call it the spare room!
 
I have had “you better get a move one”, “aren’t you broody yet?” , “you need to move out of the city and then it will happen” and i get the “relax” line on a monthly basis from my mother.
 
Comments that are upsetting are “xmas is so much more fun with children”, “my life is complete”, “kids give you meaning to life”. These all may be true but not nice to hear from people who know of your issues.
 
Also, “well nothing is as painful as childbirth” as a response to me saying i was having a lap & hsg & hysteo . 2 days of labour with a baby at the end of it versus years of ttc, draining investigations and treatments & with no end in sight. I know what i would prefer! 

Move out of the city Joycep? That's a new one - which bizarre child free city does your mother live in?!

Don't even get me started on the 'kids give meaning to life' thing - a friend posted something similar on fb not long ago - I barely resisted posting 'oh should I top myself then, since my life has no meaning?'

A close friend and my sister in law who knew the we were having problems when they got pregnant both said similar things, along the line of ...
"it's really upsetting for me to tell you we are having a baby."
Wanted to smack them in the face and say that hurt me more than it hurt you (was probably more than a little hormonal at the time). Just replied I was happy for them as would never want anyone to feel how I did.
As for the right thing the best was friend who had fallen pregnant with her fifth post vasectomy saying, "I feel that I can't control my fertility its all the luck of the draw." It felt very honest despite how we are on different sides of the coin.

highlove Fri 16-Nov-12 15:57:59

I've remembered another, this time from facebook: "there is definitely nothing worse than having a hangover with a three month old baby."

TerrorNotSoFrightened Fri 16-Nov-12 16:06:38

My DH's family had a few corners after my ectopic pregnancy.
"Next time, shoot straight son" said his grandmother to DH.

I was admiring the rocking chair in MIL's kitchen, "well, when you have a baby you can have it" grrr, by the way she never did give me the chair and I've had two babies now.

TerrorNotSoFrightened Fri 16-Nov-12 16:09:41

Thinking about it my mother was no better, got my period while I was staying at her house and asked her for some sanitary pads saying, "I guess it's a no this month as well"
"I'll never be a granny" was her response, cheers.

waitingtobeamummy Fri 16-Nov-12 16:27:18

I don't really want children, but cos of what you were going through I thought we'd better start trying and guess what?? I'm pregnant with twins! (still getting over that one.
Stop trying for a month and it'll happen.
I know how you feel, we'd love a second one. (i know this is something I need to get over, as secondary infertility must be horrible, but I don't even have one. )
Are you sure you want children??? (when their child is crying, whining, refusing to get off their Lap.
3 long years......you'd think I'd have got over some of them by now.

Cortana Fri 16-Nov-12 17:21:07

I think there's a lot to be said for telling no one. sad 12 months now and counting.

Outside of DP and I only two people know. One had problems in the past and is wonderfully sympathetic and supportive. The other is my oldest friend who despite having babies as easily as some shell peas has shown tact and understanding at all times, God love her.

The hardest part for us isn't all of our friends having children (I'm so happy for them and we love celebrating with them and I'd rather they had 20 healthy children and rubbed my face in it than begrudge them a minute of their happiness) it's the winks and smiles in my direction when people who don't know us see DP holding one of the babies at a party of gathering. I know he likes babies, I know he wants another, FFS. Let us hold and enjoy them for what they are, the beautiful children of friends.

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