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TTC 10+ months, Part 11

(1000 Posts)
buzzybee123 Mon 05-Nov-12 19:55:46

A very friendly and supportive thread for those taking way longer than they had ever expected to make a baby.

mrsden Fri 09-Nov-12 12:11:28

Joy, I think you're right about us long termers being a rare breed. Lots of people think they've taken a long time, but then it turns out its not as long as us! We're one of the 1 per cent or something like that. I have one friend that I know started trying 18 months ago, they haven't mentioned it again and I wonder if there is a problem. But it's also possible they stopped trying because she got made redundant and has now started a new job. I don't see them very much because we moved so I'm only really in email contact and I don't feel right asking about it because I'd hate to be asked. I think we're just damn unlucky to be in the tiny percentage but I suppose someone has to be. You can see from these boards that there are very few of us left in the post two years still barren category. It's almost 2.5 years for me now.

Talking of small percentages, We got the report back from the genetics dr. They have concluded that because neither of us have any of the 900 odd known cystic fibrosis mutations, that our chances of having a child with cf are not more than 0.0001%. So, that sounds good news to me!

Lady gee, it's lovely to hear from you. And nice to know you still lurk, please don't be put off posting on here. I love to be reminded that there can be light at the end of the tunnel. Do you know if you're having a boy or girl?

Princess, have a great holiday. I hope you don't spend it with your head down the toilet. Is morning sickness really that bad? Is it all day? Have you told people yet?

princesschick Fri 09-Nov-12 12:53:45

MrsD I second the 10+ers being a rare breed. My friend thought she had been trying for ages and she was pregnant after 6 goes hmm You will get there though. I believe that next year will be your year. We've only told parents and I've had to tell some close friends because of not being able to go on a spa day. I'm looking forward, fingers crossed, to telling my bro and sis, grandparents, and other friends next month. I'm not getting cocky though as DH's 24 year old cousin had an MC at 10 weeks.

As for morning sickness, I've just done my chunder for this morning. So, I thought it was terrible a couple of weeks ago - sort of constant nausea and retching at odd smells, first thing in the morning. This was nothing. Then I had the first morning (last week) where I filled half a bucket with stomach bile first thing in the morning and did some smaller sick burps through the day, sort of coughing up sicky spit - not actual vomming with chunks. Then I threw up outside M&S because the smell of it in there caught me and I was hungry. I looked like a tramp / alcoholic with my head in a bag, leaning against the wall! This continued every day until last Friday when I had a reprieve (sick every morning, retching at smells through the day). Then last Saturday I bought up all of my breakfast and managed to struggle through the day (including travelling to London, going to a matinee show and then dinner with DH) and Sunday felt fine. This Monday, I had to stay in bed, threw up anything I ate and then bile in-between. Tuesday, small sicks through the day and nausea. Wednesday, fine until the evening when I bought up the contents of the day at 10pm (the biggest, most projectile one so far - DH thought I was pouring buckets of water down the loo, came in to look, went JESUS shock walked out and shut the door after him - yes he's good like that hmm). Yesterday, I couldn't hold down toast and ate crackers and yoghurt all day. Today, was fine until about 15 mins ago when I was back at the toilet doing a proper sick. Apparently, 9 - 10 weeks is the peak of MS because hormones are at there busiest. And we all know my great relationship with my hormones.

It sounds horrific, but I've only been floored properly for two days, where I haven't moved out of bed or been able to work. Today, I've thrown up, had a sip of water and now I'm back at my desk. So, it's not pleasant but it's sort of manageable. The thing is it's exhausting because a lot of the time, I've got nothing left on my stomach and I can feel my body squeezing every last drop of whatever's left in there out. So it's quite physical. But I've read the more sick the less chance of MC, so I can do this. I would much rather cope with puking than another MC (I'll be even more pissed off if I MC in the next few weeks having gone through weeks of misery). But it isn't pleasant and I've had to rethink everything from not being able to go to the supermarket, not going to certain coffee shops, being able to stop work at the drop of a hat, having a bucket / bag / toilet near at all times, planning every outing and having tissues and water and bags at all times (be warned some bags have holes and I had sick on my lap in the car the other week...) I think I'm just unlucky, but in other ways I feel incredibly lucky to have a sign that Sea Monkey is ok. He's just very, very, very naughty....DH thinks he's pulling the sick chain on purpose, for a bit of attention. Both DH and I are natural attention seekers, so it would follow right?

I didn't have any idea what MS would be like. I thought most people were making a mountain out of a mole hill and it couldn't possibly be all that bad. <hollow laugh>

Sorry for my diatribe. When more BFP's roll in, do find me and I'll give you some handy hints on dealing with this horrible side effect. I want to be enjoying being pregnant, it's taking so fucking long to get here and I want to sit back, eat cake and just enjoy. But oh no......

CritterPants Fri 09-Nov-12 14:38:40

mellow Oh what lovely, lovely news! How amazing and I am so delighted for you. This kind of news is so fantastic to hear and gives us all a boost. Do remind us of your full story again, we want all the deets!

princess morning sickness on that scale sounds absolutely awful. What a nightmare, poor you. Here's hoping the next two weeks go be fast and that you get into the second trimester soon and stop feeling so rotten.

ladygee ah, it's so nice to hear that you're 20 weeks! I second mrsd's question, do you know if you're having a mini lady gee or a mini gent gee?

mrsd hooray for the good genetic result - that's a relief and one less thing to have to worry about!

joy so sorry to hear about your husband's tears. That is awful and would break my heart too.

free sorry about the iui fail. Onwards and upwards, you will get there!

sar I love the singing, that is brilliant. And your fireside sofa sounds very inviting!

nelly I played a lot of scrabble on my honeymoon. Board games are the way forward when you aren't in the sack!

gin good luck today - I'm thinking of you.

Well I am going back to the UK for the weekend - hooray! It's a very very short trip on airmiles, leaving tonight and back on Monday evening, as I've run out of holiday allowance for the year (apart from the days I'm saving for Christmas). So I will probably be offline for a bit. Trying to think of what I need to bring back with me - probably some jars of nice mincemeat as it's hard to find over here and Christmas is just around the corner!

akuabadoll Fri 09-Nov-12 14:59:30

hello, blimey so much to catch up on and I have had to do it fast. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is halfway though already, attention span question marks.....

Bloody hell mellow that's the best. Good for you. Brilliant. This is your time.

Thinking for you and ET Gin

joy so sorry to hear that 'bout Roy. Sound so painful for you. Please take a hug.

artemis looking forward to your update when you get the chance.

sar you are not mad. Tiny gentle fish slap with very posh sushi

Princess poor you. Good work with Gorden and Sapphire smile

welcome back freedom sorry that it didn't work this time.

mrsd congrats on the report, now that's good news

Loving the Downton discussion, though I have no idea about the series itself grin gin I too yell stuff at telly, currently Homeland, and we are not even on Beirut yet. I have no idea 'bout 1920s fertility surgery, but you would hope someone did some research right? Sometimes I bloody wonder if that's the case though, given some of the nonsense. To stick with modern day TTC issues, I have twice recently seen women TTC taking their temp while up and about in some kind of bonking preparation (Woody Allen's 'Match Point' and the BBC Series 'Mistresses')

Anyway....I can hardly fucking bother to tell you about my 'developments' Yawn. <Glance at Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (sorry to bring back bad memories art )> Extra yawn. The worlds slowest growing drugged up eggs. Need more simming, timetable pushed back again (now on 3rd estimate). The Beirut3 have got 2 mates but one will be over-cooked and 1 likely too small. So more fair weather drinking buddies than petri dish contenders. Buying drugs as you go along has its downside. I keep yelling, 'you feckers are costing me more money' grin

joycep Fri 09-Nov-12 15:11:28

Mrsd  - i know there are very few of us who try for over 2 years. I’m over 2.5years now and when i work it out i think there has only been about 6 free months in those years that I haven’t been to see a doctor of some sorts about fertility. You’re right someone has to be unlucky and i keep telling myself ‘that’s life, deal with it’ which i do until i feel reaaaally sorry for myself. Great news about those tests !
 
Princess – that does sound utterly grim and like a horrible hangover every day. Poor you! I wonder why some people get morning sickness and others don’t. Most people don’t seem to get it so it seems unfair that others do. Anyway, i hope you can enjoy your pregnancy very soon. But i can understand you preferring to suffer from this temporary horribleness rather than MC or the emotional grind of not being able to conceive. Still it is shitty considering the journey you have been on to get here. Big not too tight hug.
 
Critter – ah lovely, have a wonderful trip back to Blighty. 

Doll - I am sorry things are moving slowly at your end. I just hope one of those is the golden one. How are you doing on the drugs?
Art -

joycep Fri 09-Nov-12 15:13:50

Princess - forgot to say my neals yard book says peppermint tea is good for morning sickness. Sorry if you gave tried and sickes it up already .

princesschick Fri 09-Nov-12 16:14:26

Massive thanks joy I have been supping at the peppermint tea brew and it is definitely in the 'allowed' pile! Sadly it does nothing to stop the being sick. It does however mean that breath is slightly nicer too! Interesting about the MS isn't it. Most of those people who told me "oh no, I never had MS" are now telling me all about how awful their MS had been along with the crippling nausea they faced (yes Mum I'm looking at YOU). It leads me to think that most people are liars. a) about how long they TTC and b) about how 'hardy' and good at coping they are in every situation. I also people like to think they had it hardest, I really really really don't understand why! Thanks again smile

ArtemisTheHunter Fri 09-Nov-12 16:54:49

Hi all

I'm back from the conference and at my desk. I bet I was the only one shooting up in the toilets before the evening keynote. It was good actually, I was pissed off to have to come back early but trying to be accepting, take each day as it comes, yada yada.

Mellow that is terrific news! I was hopeful for you and it's brilliant to know that the ironic IVF diff does exist. Do remind us of how you got there.

Lovely to hear from the grads Ladygee and Princess and really glad to hear all is well. Princess the morning sickness sounds awful. But as you say, has to be taken as a sign that all's well. It's a long way from rear entry shagging though grin

Gin really relieved you are out of the OHSS danger zone and hope all went well with ET. I'm cheering on Gordon & Sapphire grin. Are they able to freeze the other two embies? And how did you decide how many to put back - did the embryologist recommend two? <nosey face>

Sar you're not bonkers. No more than the rest of us anyway grin. Good idea to get on with the insurance SWI, you never know, and as Mellow has proved, the ironic against the odds pre-IVF diff can happen!

Nelly yes please to wedding dress photos! Exciting.

Pout really glad Big Dog is OK.

Mrsden we are definitely a rare and special breed. Before this i would have said it's better to be in the 1% than the 99, now I'm not so sure... hmm

Joy hope Roy is OK. It's scary when the men get upset isn't it, makes you realise the situation is real and not just some invention of our over-emotional hormone-driven female brains. Mr A had a similar meltdown at work recently, it really shocked me as i hadn't realised he had taken it so much to heart. But in a way it was reassuring to know that he did care as i could easily get the impression he wasn't bothered make that paranoid over-emotional female brain

Critter have a brilliant time in the UK. Mincemeat, ooh yes. I love mince pies smile. This is a good time of year for cakes <greedy>

Doll sorry the Beirut 5 are taking their time. Hope the cheerleading/ berating gets them into gear. I daresay a dose of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang should have got them moving. Have the clinic given you an estimated date for EC? You might just be a slow grower like Sar, number says nothing about quality. You only need one good egg after all. How are you feeling?

I've never watched Downton but have pursed lips and a raised eyebrow over Lady Mary and her slutty ways... a Turk indeed! Can't think of what op they would have been doing in the '20s other than a big scrape around. Even pregnancy testing was still in its infancy at that point. I'm not convinced TV people take their research too seriously though, as long as it seems plausible. I am a bad person to watch costume dramas with unless you can cope with Tourette's induced by minor historical inaccuracies.

Scan update... went on Wednesday and again this morning. On Weds I had 13 follies, this morning that had grown to 17 though the nurse said that some were too big already and several of them were too small and they wouldn't all mature. She didn't actually say how many seemed viable, I hope they don't all turn out to be empty shells. But she seemed pleased. She kept saying 'well done' which was weird as i haven't done anything apart from stick the needles in me when i'm told to, I mean I can't actively influence what my ovaries do. I have to go again tomorrow morning (seems the nurses can be required to work on a saturday even if the consultant can't) and EC is likely to be Monday. Eek. I feel OK, just tired and bloated, which is not surprising as my poor ovaries must be the size of grapefruits. They also hurt, it's a weird heavy dragging sensation. I am nervous about EC but will be glad to get it over with now.

Random question to previous IVFers - were you given any guidance about exercise after ET? I don't know whether I should carry on as normal (gym, swimming, high impact cardio) or give in and become a couch potato for a couple of weeks.

Waves to everyone smile

ladygee Fri 09-Nov-12 17:13:25

Thanks ladies.

mrsd and critter - We've resisted temptation and haven't found out whether the baby's a mini lady or a mini gent! Only another 19 weeks or so til we find out I guess...

mrsd those results sound excellent, not sure they could be any lower!

princess - I've been quite open about what we've been through to get to where we are and people tend to fall into 2 camps - either they feel the need to boast that they must be super-fertile because it happened by accident/after one try etc (which I often struggle to believe) or it gives them an outlet to say that it took them longer than they expected (though it's rare that this is over a year).

akuabadoll Fri 09-Nov-12 17:36:46

art grin Tourette's induced by minor historical inaccuracies. Amazing result on the eggs, making mine look a bit silly. I too have that dragging heavy ache with a touch of sea sickness and bad head to boot , which is surprising in my case considering minimum effort. All in my head? My first EC estimate was 5th or 6th, then 12th or 13th now it's 16th or 17th. The only day that is impossible for Ken in 19th. I told him not to worry when given the initial estimate. I knew it could be out, but not by 2 weeks, right? Ha. Oh, just get the fuckers out already. artemis sent me a grow spell, pleeeasse.

Exercise, well obviously I have been given no info grin and come to think of it don't exercise but this is what I would say - couch potato for a couple of days post ET and avoid high impact cardio for the duration if you can bare it. It's as as much for your peace of mind than anything I think, so whatever feels right.

sarlat Fri 09-Nov-12 18:13:04

Just a quickie

Doll - they do not know everything there is to know about each of those follies. They may all have perfect eggs inside and there may be hiders in there too. I know its hard, but stay positive. Quality wins the day.

Artemis - what a great number of follies. It won't matter if a few are under or over cooked. You will have some sunripened ones in there. Really pleased things are going well. It seems that (apart from the brain fog) you are having a good cycle.

Gin - thinking of you. Hope you are having a chilled evening.

Hello to everyone else, got to dash.

GinSoaked Fri 09-Nov-12 18:16:44

Hello ladies. I'm back from transfer and the sedatives have just about worn off!

doll yay for the Beirut 5! You just don't know what's going to happen. Some may well be hiding (esp seeing that they couldn't even find your ovary 1st time...) There was 1 day Dave couldn't do for EC and they said things could be worked out so it wouldn't fall then, so I'm sure it'll be fine.

art 17, wow! If I can do EC, anyone can! I had about 16 follies but only 11 worth sucking out (gosh that sounds rude and isn't meant to!). Apparently we had about 9 mature eggs, although one was too fragile to survive the icsi. I think doll's advice re exercise is what I've been told. The dr told me not to do nothing in the 2ww, but when my eyes lit up and I mentioned shopping, he warned me to take it easy...

Re the just get the feckers out feeling, that's totally how I was before EC. Not comfortable at all.

mellow OMG! Ironic pre ivf updiffedness. That's amazing. I'm so thrilled for you. Yay grin

princess lovely to see you. So sorry about the ms. They can't give you any drugs to help with it? Sounds like you have it pretty bad, but as you say hopefully that means sea monkey is a strong un. grin at sapphire and Gordon's. Gin mmmmmm. How I miss you sapphire. And white wine. Sorry, hope that hasn't made you puke!

Awww joy hugs to you and Roy. Dave never cries either, but apparently cried about it all with a good friend when shit faced. The friend cried too! It is heart breaking. We've all been trying for so long now. I sometimes feel like I forget what the purpose of all the treatment is. All this work and heartache, it'd better bloody be worth it!

ladygeeeee so pleased all is well with you. Please please do tell us when baby g appears.

sar I LOVE the song for the embies smile Your kind words really cheered me, as I sat in the clinic this morning. Thank you. And hope you are getting lots of sexing in.

critter have a lovely, lovely weekend back in Blighty. We must all try to meet up one time you are over.

mrsd yay for no cf. If you have a choice for the ivf start dates, I would go for not over a holiday period. Last time we were in over Easter and there was only 1 dr in and it all felt rushed and a bit panicked. I felt comforted this time, seeing at least 2 drs in. But hey, that's prob just my menkulness. Boo to all the pregnant ladies.

Waves to everyone else back over t 'other page, who I've missed. Thank you so much for your kind words. It was so lovely to read them and I felt really supported today.

Well we had 3 embryos left today, so better than last time. 1x 7 cell grade 1, 1x 5 cell grade 1 and 1x 5 cell grade 2. The embryologist suggested putting the 2 grade 1s back in to give the best possible chance of it working. The dr went on a bit about the dangers of twins and ohss, but he checked with the consultant and she said it was fine. He did admit that the chances of twins was v slim and also that at worse i would have moderate ohss, not the killer kind. I was sedated (I'm a wuss) and it was over v quickly. I have had some pinky spotting, but think this is normal and the dr said it'd be from the vag not the womb, as he'd found some blood in there. Fingers crossed it stops. I don't want to go back to the bloody clinic again.

I've got a week or so off work but am gonna spend it with my mum doing xmassy things and trying not to menkul. The dr was very clear that stress is BAD. Btw buzzy I think it must have been the dr you saw for your consultation. I hadn't seen him before, until he did the scan last weekend and scared my shitless about ohss. He just doesn't have a great way with words...

buzzybee123 Fri 09-Nov-12 19:53:23

mellow quietly whispering congrats to you smile

gin fingers crossed for the gin twins, he was some Greek man who we saw can't remember is name, should do as I have a Greek name hmm I didn't think Create had the best bedside manner

critter enjoy you trip home smile

art good luck for EC on Monday

princess thanks for the sickness update smile, still best to feel sick then not at all, I believe ginger is supposed to help

doll sorry your follies are taking their time to grow

ladygee nice to see you again, I don't think I could resist knowing, have you chosen names??

joy I hope Roy is ok, it is so difficult to see them upset.

well I have had a hell of a day with alcoholic and borderline personality disorder patients today hmm glad its Friday and its Barry's birthday so will be spending the weekend with the whanau smile
I was thinking a list of IVFers would be good as I get a bit confused as who is where in their cycle smile

waves to everyone else and enjoy your weekend

bubs1 Sat 10-Nov-12 01:05:56

Hi all
I hope you don't mind me writing. I am a long long long time lurker ( I think from the start?) and I find you all so helpful and encouraging. Why write now? Well as many of you are going through ivf I thought I would tell you about my journey as I'm freaking out a little! Ttc for 2 yrs now, and this year we have done 2 failed iui's one medicated one natural and more recently ivf. It was a very stressful procedure as I am overseas and have no real choice on the clinic and I thought they were a bit crap. They told me i had a 5% chance. i did an antagonist cycle and they out me on maximum drugs ( the consultant only looked at my age ((39)) although my amh is low at 0.5 my fsh is 6.1. Anyway injections were ok but the scans only showed one dominant follicle. So I went into ec with the possibility of only one egg. Turns out there were 6 , wtf??! So two survived and fertilised and transferred on day 3. I found out that evening that they used icsi which I had no idea about so was mega pissed off as I had read all the related risks and husbands sperm was fine etc. So spent the first 3 days following stressed out. Anyway I am 14 days post et, took a test yesterday and its positive. Not believing it at all. Off for my blood test this morning ( although three days early) as I can't wait any longer!!!! Wishing everyone going through this good luck and I am sure it's going to happen to all you lovely ladies.

mrsmellow Sat 10-Nov-12 06:52:50

Thanks all, sorry for not replying yesterday - in meetings all day, then had friends over, so a bit hectic.
artemis you're an egg machine -well done!
doll the Beirut 5 will see you through - love the fair weather drinking companions - you only need one good one!
gin glad the ET is over - take it easy for a few days
princess I cannot get over your description of MS! Oh my word! shock I hope this is the peak and it will go away soon and you can enjoy pregnancy and have your cake smile
bubs Welcome and congratulations -thanks for sharing your good news story - hope it sticks!
critter hope you have/had a lovely weekend in the UK- I'd be getting some marmalade, thats what I miss and can't get.
buzzy have a lovely weekend
With regard to being unusual having difficulty - that is certainly my experience - most of our friends have been very fertile- I can name 2 that had IVF, 2 that took a year to conceive, but all the rest have been within 6 months.
Great to be different hmm

So you wanted to know details and someone asked if I just relaxed grin
We've been trying for 16 months (so I know not long compared to some). I have PCO and we tried clomid and letrozole stimulation unsuccessfully (despite proven ovulation each time x4). I had a laparoscopy which showed a blocked left tube and given my age (nearly 35), lack of success to date and situation overseas, private clinic were recommended to try IVF. But my ovaries clearly balked at the prospect of spending that money. I had a scan at our last appointment so knew I was ovulating naturally - but it was on the left side with the botched tube.
So I have a couple of anxieties, which after I type them here, I'm not going to dwell on...
1. - it could be ectopic given the tube on that side
2. - it might not stick (normal female response to getting pregnant)
3. - it might all be in my head (faint BFP, feel normal) paranoia or what
Actually I'm lying, I do have sore breasts and have had since Monday - and they are worse today - but before doing the test I ignored them as I get them every month pre-AF.
But this month - we had sex 3 times a week, alternate days in the middle. I was not relaxed, I was freaking out about spending lots of cash and having IVF and had quite a lot on at work. I ate everything, drank coffee and wine, exercised as much as usual, didn't take any special vitamins/potions etc.
I even had a massive night last Saturday in a 'last one before IVF type way'.
I'll test again tomorrow and if it is darker and positive then might start to believe and feel happy. We'll go for a scan at 6-7 weeks to see if there's a heart beat in the uterus and then might celebrate slightly. Then if we make it to 2013 and 12 weeks will actually relax start worrying about the next thing to worry about I expect! Did make me realise Christmas is just over 6 weeks away shock !
If it is ok, I might hang on here until things are certain - going to an antenatal thread just seems like tempting fate - princess heart frannie have you joined one yet?
I have all my fingers crossed for the IVF'ers at the moment - lots of potential, will be thinking of you.

sarlat Sat 10-Nov-12 09:30:21

Buzz - that sounds like a tough caseload! My sympathies. Get the wine out, hope Barry had a nice day.

Bubs -hello, what a fantastic story and thank you for sharing to spurr us along. Congratulations. I'm sorry they did ICSI without you knowing, although it sounds like it was meant to be. We discussed ICSI on here recently, the risks with assisted conception methods and babies are minimal and not worth worrying over. We have been placed in a world where every part of our reproductive health is analysed within an inch of its life. Those who get pregnant easily also have their own dodgy bits but these never come to light so they don't stress the way we do. I want to wish you a happy and healthy 8 months.

Princess - ugh, so sorry for the ms. It sounds very grim. Lets hope you are going to have a blosseming and 'shiney haired' second trimester.

Gee - wow, half way there. That is wonderful.

Mellow - such an amazing story. Fingers crossed that the tests keep getting darker although there is NO reason to assume they won't. But I can understand the worry about what will happen next. I too have tubal problems and high risk for eptopic so I know they would watch me like a hawk too. Make sure you distract yourself over the next few weeks with nice things to prevent any undue worry.

Mellow - do you mind if I ask you a few questions about your tubes? You can tell me to mind my own business if you like. grin. Just to help give me some hope really. Do they know the reason for the blocked tube? Was the other tube in perfect condition? And is the bad tube fully or partially blocked? i.e. did any dye spill through at all. Finally did they mention whether your bad tube was swollen or had a hydrosalpinx?

Thank goodness it's the weekend. What an eventful week or two we have had. Embro transfers, IVF follie scans, 2 pregnancy announcements, antibiotic therapy, conferences, chaps crying in the loo, big dog traumas, and loads more. Amazing.

Can I ask you all a question? Is it possible to ever feel ok again? I have been in a very reflective mode just recently, although not distressed. I am really good at soildering on and putting on a brave face, especially at work. I think this has helped me, for example with my recent job offer. I also like offering support to others as it helps me make sense of my own difficulties and feel slightly useful. But the truth is, I feel so so so terrible inside. And have done for 2.5 years.

I don't know, maybe it's because we are getting so many brilliant and hard earned BFP's just lately that is making me panic that my turn won't come. But I think the fact that I have already had the 'big guns' (IVF) twice with no success is frightening me. I know there is still things to explore such as the cervix widening and repair work with the lap. But the Dr's pushed me down the IVF route at the beginning rather than the lap and repair route as they didn't hold out much hope that it would make any difference for me. So, it's hard to see this operation as a turning point.

Another problem I have is an upcoming wedding. I don't want to say too much for fear of outing myself but I'm sure you all know what I mean if I say it involves a close family member (who I love dearly) that is female. I think TTC is on the cards for them soon.

Do not misunderstand me, I would be delighted for them and would hate to see anyone go though this shit. But.....well you know, it will be tough. Especially as it will bring my lack of offspring in to sharp focus amongst extended family. But this can not be helped / changed, I have to accept the probability.

I don't know how to keep moving forward. I don't want to give up TTC but I have forgotten how it feels to be normal. I am considering leaving this board for a period of time like Pout. Although, not sure that will be the answer either. I really really appreaciate the support and think I would miss it so not sure if leaving is right or not.

I know I am not the only one feeling like this. I am not trying to be unique here. The tears are staring to roll now. Frustration I guess. And a huge dollap of self pity mixed in. Sorry, I don't want to bring anyone else down.

GinSoaked Sat 10-Nov-12 11:36:54

Awww sar, big hugs. So sorry you are feeling shitty. I know what you mean about putting on a brave face and pretending everything is ok, but deep down it's not. I feel like there will always be a little bit of me that will be sad, until we have a child, no matter how well everything else is going. From other people we know in a similar position, I think this is just how it is.

Also I've found this 2nd ivf so much harder than the 1st. I just couldn't do it again. You're all going to think I'm a horrible bitch, but I've found myself growing increasingly resentful of Dave. He's moaning about taking some suppliments, whilst I've been taking some rather major risks with my health. I feel better now - I think the progesterone has mellowed me!

But sar you are still so young and will get there eventually. If you feel a mumsnet break will help, please do try it. Throw yourself into Xmas, the lovely Xmas booze, shopping and parties and return when you feel ready/are bored after your op (as I am!).

I too have a family wedding in a few weeks and am dreading the kids question and having to laugh it off with the whole our house is too small, we can't afford it, women these days have babies in their 50s. Urgh. They're using our wedding photographer, who no doubt will be expecting us to have at least one kid.

bubs thank you so much for sharing your story. Nice to know icsi can work!

mellow please do hang around and fingers crossed everything goes well!

buzzy hope mr b had a good birthday. Your patients sound delightful!

Better get on.. Have other ACers had problems sleeping in the 2ww? I don't know if it's subconscious stress, needing to wee all the time or the progesterone. Oh and I'm totally sick of shoving things up my arse. It's just wrong!

Frannieannie Sat 10-Nov-12 11:51:30

Hi lovely ladies,
Have been reading sporadically over past 2 weeks, had a week away then back to a very, very full on week at work. Anyway, I hope you are all keeping well. Such a lot of IVF action!

Firstly, mellow that is great news. Really, really pleased for you. You are so restrained with the POAS- I'd done 3 by now! Fingers crossed for a sticky one!

gin well done for surviving the EC. I tried to post last week to wish you well but had no 3G. You've done brilliantly. Have you had any further updates?

doll I'm sorry to hear that the stimming is going on so long. As bubs story shows (massive congrats to you!), the situation can be far from ideal and still end up in the desired way. They are also hopefully learning so much more about how you respond to the drugs. Fingers crossed that EC is v soon.

arte massive respect to you for your shooting up in random places! You are one brave lady. GL with your egg collection too.

critter hope you have a safe flight home and that you enjoy meeting up with friends and family.

nelly I'd so love to nose at your dress. I already have an image in my head. We had a winter wedding with perfect blue skies and little snow flurries and effing freezing I am still in total awe at your ability to sort a wedding and do IVF. Fingers crossed for a sober honeymoon!

joy I felt really emotional when reading about Roy. I'm sorry to hear he's sad but at least he was able to share that with you. I don't know that mine would. It's tough seeing their vulnerable side but, when it comes to it, which it will, he will make such a great dad. Lots of love to you.

ladyg can't believe your halfway. Lovely to hear from you! Good luck with the next 20 weeks!

pout so glad big dog is ok and that you were able to enjoy your furry coconut squares shock. Sorry about the crappy house situation. Any further news?

All ok this end. I think. From sickness on first day I've had none since and only mild symptoms of sore boobs, nausea and spots. This is making me really anxious and panicky and am willing sickness (although not princess stylee please!). I have a scan next fri, so fingers crossed that there is something there.
Picking up on some of what sar and mrsd have said I just wanted to give my perspective now. I still feel as I did before, that my body is not to be trusted and that I shouldn't get excited because I'm so aware of how many ways it can go wrong. But at the same time a lot of my sadness has dissipated. I still feel jealous of instadiffs and baby announcements but I have more of a genuine feeling of happiness for them. Strangely, and I never ever thought I'd feel this way, I feel partly glad of what I've been through and I wouldn't actually change it. I know that I have a long long way to go and should it go wrong I will slip back into the tent in a heartbeat. However, I feel like I have changed as a person from the whole experience, yes I'm more cynical but I am also far more compassionate. It has also made me value my marriage and my family more than before. Everyone is different and that's just my perspective but I wanted to share that, when everyone on this thread gets their babies, which we will, I genuinely do think we will be better parents for it.
Ooh, feel a bit drained after that. Happy Saturdays everyone. Waves to lemon, freedom and others xx

rabbitonthemoon Sat 10-Nov-12 12:50:07

Time for some attempt at a catch up. I don't have very much to say in terms of me - I'm 10 dpo and can feel my period charging down the long end of the two wait road, bringing evil moods and ttc anxiety in her stupid backpack of period horrors. I reckon it will be here early next week. I'm crabby as anything poor poor hare. I'm annoyed as I really had hoped in the post op reprieve we might just crack it, but am now resigning myself to the joys of drugs and tests and scans bleugh. I hadn't really factored in that it would take my body 4-5 months to right itself but in hindsight that was silly, it isn't really a very long time, considering what happened. Ttc time just feels painfully slow. But, the tampons are in and I'm not mentalling so, bring on cycle 21. Which is my favourite number, for what it's worth! My scar is kind of fading a bit and rarely hurts now unless it is about to really rain, for some reason. And running is still not good. So I'm not doing it until the new year and doing yoga almost every day instead. I've clocked up a whopping 9 hours of practice this week. How am I still moody!?

sar I'm so sorry about the glums. The most horrible thing, well, one of the most horrible things, about ttc is the lack of resolution and unknowns. I find that so very difficult. One day I will die. That is not a nice thought, but I know it is true and manage to live with it and actually not think about it very much because it is an accepted and known truth. I don't know if I will have my own baby. I will never know this for absolutely sure until I have been though the menopause or someone takes away my womble. And the not knowing kills me. The one bit of advice that has helped me with this is that we never know what is around the corner in any walk of life. This thread has shown that babies appear in all sorts of circumstances at the strangest of times and if only we knew it would happen, even if it wasn't for ages, we could bunker down and get in with things. The waiting and not knowing is horrible and there aren't too many aspects of life that require such tormenting for such a prolonged amount of time. What I'm trying to say in my long winded way is that you aren't on your own in this and it is a bloody hard place to be. But there is so much going for you in terms of getting your baby so please hold onto that. I think we all wonder if we are out in the badlands of the 2years plus mark but frannie your post made me well up a bit because you have said so eloquently what I believe is true. It is different for us lot and even after having babies I think it will stay different. I can't imagine how I'll feel when I hear of someone's easy conception other than pissed off, even if I get there in the end but I know I'll be bloody thankful for what I've got and never ever tell anyone just to book a hotel for a dirty weekend and relax!! Wow I'm going on. But anyway, massive hand hold to you today. Keep close to your heart that not all days feels as bad as others and this too will ease away.

mellow thanks for the update. May this be as free from stress for you as is possible. Stay as long as you need.

doll how goes it? I love how you talked about your eggs!

gin I'm waving Pom poms for Sapphire and Gordon and hope you have a gentle and relaxing week with your mum. Agreed that it is pmt deliberate goading frustrating when our other halves make a big deal out of tiny supplements. I had a moment of angry when I realised the pills ran out weeks ago and weren't replaced when I thought of my poor tummys 2012 adventure. And is almost never that Im cross with Hare. That situation is now rectified but I'm still cross.

art that is a lot of egg laying. I'm in full admiration of your shooting up all over the place. I know I could not do that and I bow my hat to you. If Hare doesn't inject me then ivf simply won't happen. I can barely even think about it because if I see any blood we can kiss 7k down the pan as I won't be able to keep injecting. I maybe need to address the blood thing. But that would mean having to talk about it and its a struggle even to type the word! Bl**d isn't even much better. I hope you're feeling ok about it all? And getting a Saturday rest.

joy sorry to hear about Roy, is he ok now? Hare is almost always fine but sometimes wistful when we are with children. He 100% believes it will happen so toddles around cheerfully. I probably need that but I wish I could feel the same.

princess sorry you have a bile bucket. No one wants one of them! My mum has educated me well on ms as I gave her the most horrendous time ever. Bt she did apparently bloom in the second trimester and had amazing hair. May your bloom time come soon.

ladygee so nice to hear from you, I admire your restraint in having a surprise! Amazing to think you are halfway now.

bubs thank you for sharing your amazing news. I'm so glad for you and wish you all the best with the next bits.

buzzy I think I need to get me some of what you're having.

Wave to pout lemon euro mrsden and anyone I've accidentally missed. And*critter*. Lets all give our tails a fluff and march into the festive season holding each others hands. I've just had a happy thought that after March it will be 2014 babies and I really like that number much much more grin I'm downing sexy times until then!

buzzybee123 Sat 10-Nov-12 15:48:02

mellow its totally natural to feel like this and to worry about it going ok, I hope the scan puts your mind at rest and that the next few weeks fly by

gin after a year of 'up the bum' it feels quite normal to me now grin I can understand that this time feels harder, is your mum still with you?? It is frustrating when the 'men' complain about what little they have to do compred to us, I have to say Barry is alot better about things and more surportive but it took a long time

bubs thank you so much for telling us your story, I'm also 39 and feel quite comforted by your story as I felt my odds were low, I'm certainly looking at all with a different view.

frannie everyones symptoms differ and I found that mine came and went a bit sent me fricking insane how many weeks will you be when you have the scan??

sar if you had asked me a month or so ago I would have said never!!! The counsellor said I won't really be happy until I have a baby and that that is my main focus and she didn't see the point in trying to shift my focus so has been happy for me to cry and constantly talk about babies and how I feel, which has helped, I have to say getting Kayla has made a world of difference to both Barry and I, she gives us something to focus on, she is very demanding grin a cat is not a substitute for a baby, I still want one but for now we practice our parenting skills on Kayla, and yes I know my children will be spoilt little shits grin
The biggest changes for me have been the life coaching and the removing myself from the stress at work. I've learnt alot about myself, I've learnt that my mother was very dangerous and very poisonous and that she has caused alot of damage and that she taught me alot of bad thinking habits, but life coaching is teaching me that I am responsible for me and my happiness, how I think and behave affects how I feel, I'm learning to love myself for who I am and I learning how not be a door mat to others and how to deal with bullying and other difficult situations, I'm looking forward to seeing my old boss!!
She gives me exercises to do like finding 30 positive words to describe myself and then having to say them to myself out loud every night, I thought what load of crap but it really does help, its all about learning the difference between your self esteem and your confidence, if you don't believe in yourself other won't either. I feel bloody great about myself and my moods are better and my outlook on life is better, I feel I can deal with situations without looking at the worse case scenario all the time. I don't spend all my time thinking about TTC, which feels like a weight lifted off me, I just feel calm and happy right now, I know I'll have ups and downs still, sorry I have gone on a bit, I can PM you some of the other exercises she has given me.

The alcoholic was really nice and sober while with us, I had a little tear when he left, he was so grateful for the support but he has been drinking for 49 years and know he'll go back to it, the other one is a complete nightmare threatening to sue us all!!! We have several 'la la' patients at the moment.
Well Kayla is proving to be smarter than us hmm she has now learnt how to open her food, so we put it in a tuperware container on top of the fridge, last night we could hear scratching on plastic and thought she was in her dirt box, then realised that the noise was from the kitchen, we caught her red pawed on top of the fridge trying to knock the tuperware container off shock but she is soooooooooooo cute, she literally gets away with murder

well off to cover my grey hairs..........

beckslovestimmy Sat 10-Nov-12 15:49:11

Hi ladies, just a little up date, not sure how many of you will remember me? I was the sodium bicarb lady. 2 years TTC, had started fertility investigations bloods and scans for me SA for DH, also had a post coital test that showed thick acidic hostile cervical mucous with very few live sperm in it. Was advised to try a sodium bicarb douche around ovulation and was given oestrogen and clomid to try next cycle but didn't need it. Got our BFP that month whilst on holiday, I've been lurking and am now 29+3, and all going well with baby. Just wanted to say 'it can happen' and when it's least expected. Continued good luck to you all and big congrats to those who've had BFP since I've been lurking xxx

Frannieannie Sat 10-Nov-12 16:23:41

rabbit well done on all the yoga- bloody impressive! I do think you're right that your body has been through one hell of a trauma and I really, really think it was getting you a step closer last month. If you think how soon that was after op (I know it's not when you're living it every day but relatively speaking) I'm sure that your time is close.

becks good to hear from you. Glad all is going well. Quite a claim to fame being the douchelady!! Hope the next 10 weeks go smoothly. I wonder quite often about kitty, she must be due soon?

buzzy so glad that you're feeling more positive and upbeat. Seems from your and princess' experience that life coaching is really worthwhile. Glad you're getting lots of parenting practice with Kayla, she sounds gorgeous. I think we'll all have slightly spoilt children on this thread....but they will be extra special! wink I'm 7 + 6 on Friday, according to my period but as I only ovulated on day 19 I'm not sure if this changes it to 6 something? Acu lady said I had good pregnancy pulses, so just crossing everything.

Anyway, better get the lemon drizzle cake out of the oven, smells yum!

Heart7 Sat 10-Nov-12 16:41:03

[delurks]

Hi all, just popping up to say a big hooray for mellow. It's lovely to read BFP's on this thread. We are on a bit of a roll now ladies, I am hopeful there will be another one at least before Christmas.

Wanted to also send love to all the IVF ladies, you are all so strong and resilient. I have everything crossed for you, and keep checking in to see how you are getting on. Nelly especially - girl, if you can do IVF and a wedding at the same time, then you really can do anything! I really am in awe.

Sarlat - the docs pushing you for IVF rather than surgery was just a matter of opinion of your consulting team. A different doc may have said something else. It does not mean that surgery won't help you - they won't know until they have a look. I remember clearly getting frustrated at my clinic as every time I saw a different doctor and they would give a different opinion regarding surgery or not. In the end the penny dropped when one of the consultants said 'there is more than one way to skin a cat' and really it is just trying things out until something works. Some docs are more pro surgery than others, some prefer IVF, that's just the way it is. You've got a lot of confusion going on regarding your tubes so at the very least this should answer some questions for you. Don't stress hon - you have been pregnant before - your body CAN do this.

Princess hope the sickness passes soon - not long now till your scan. Have a wonderful holiday.

buzzy glad you are feeling happier. Kayla sounds so gorgeous.

As for me, I am ok, the bleeding has stopped. However all my nausea has gone as well and and I actually feel fine, not even tired anymore, and definitely not pregnant, so of course now I'm feeling mostly worried and stressed. Frannie I am with you! I've booked a private 9 week scan next week so should find out more then. Wish I could feel positive, but it's impossible really, my only experience of pregnancy has been to miscarry. If anyone knows anyone who had no sickness in the first trimester and had a successful pg then please do tell the story, as you don't hear about it that much!

lots of hugs to everyone else, hope you all have great weekends.

[relurks]

Frannieannie Sat 10-Nov-12 17:07:59

Just popping back in again (you can see I'm being a lazy ass today) just wanted to say to heart that I'm glad the bleeding has stopped but sorry you're having no other symptoms. I have googled about 20 times 'no early pregnancy symptoms' and there are lots of positive stories. My mum told me that she had absolutely no symptoms at all with me and was worried until I moved at 22 weeks, as they had no scans etc. She was terrified the entire time. My 2 BFs have also never had symptoms. It's hard when you can't talk about it openly and ask people. I'm sure all will be fine. Good luck at the 9 week scan. X

joycep Sat 10-Nov-12 19:01:32

Art - i am incredibly impressed with the amount of eggs you have produced. Wowzers! that's amazing. So i thought the stemming bit was the slow part but it seems like this has happened quickly if EC is on Monday. It's obviously going to feel much slower when you are going through it. Anyway best of luck for Monday.

Bubs - I am so pleased you have delurked to tell your story because we need to hear stories like yours. That's amazing and many many congratulations and i hope everything well went this morning. Please do keep us updated.

Mellow - it is natural to have all these worries but at this stage i think all you can do is take every day as it comes and put faith in your body and it most likely will be all fine. It's also good to see that you weren't relaxed as i have been told you can't get pregnant unless you are relaxed .

Sar - your post made me so sad and probably because I recognise so much of what you are feeling. I know to have had 2 ivfs which didn't work must make you fearfull but just because they haven't worked so far does not mean on any account that it's never going to work. For what it's worth I think the lap for you will be a turning point. I think they'll be able to give you a better diagnosis and can do what is necessary to fix it. I know it's all very well good saying all this because none of us know how our stories will end but I just can't not see this happening for your Sar. I felt it when I met you. And also because you make excellent embies.
I also have forgotten what it feels like to be normal. Many times over these last few years I have asked myself whether i will ever be truly happy again. Everything is very raw beneath the surface. To be fearful of meeting friends or going to weddings because all it does is remind us that we are still without children is one the hardest things and I still cannot deal with it properly. Roy and i have just driven to some national trust wood and went for a long walk and even that was a reminder that we are missing something. We're missing our kids even though they have never existed. Roy means everything to me but it just feels like there is a gaping hole next to us. I'm not sure I can offer any advice but I think seeing the positive change coaching has had on Buzz - i think that could perhaps help?? How would you feel doing it? Once we start ivf, I think i am going to do it.

Gin - I am glad transfer went well and now you are to rest for the 2ww whilst gin twins settle in. Sorry about Dave - boys can really whinge can't they….but i think the drugs can certainly play havoc with emotions. My BiL's friend whilst doing ivf turned around to her husband and said ' i want to fucking smash your head against the wall right now'. She is the sweetest person ever as well. She is 30wks preggers now and is back to her lovely self!

Frannie - it's so nice to have you popping in. And really interesting to hear how you feel now you are pregnant. Also I am intrigued that you feel partly glad of what you went through because whenever I daydream of having a baby, I also can imagine I will feel like this. Of course if it doesn't happen, I will be forever embittered! I think it was Critter who said that her parents found having kids less of a slog because it took so long to get there and I can imagine this being the case. we will all be better parents for this journey and won't take it for granted.

Rabbit - i'm sorry to hear that pmt is rearing her head. Your poor body has been through so much . I loved what you said to Sar. Very eloquent.

Buzz - your coaching sounds really inspiring. It has obviously worked amazingly. Plus Kayla sounds a delight, so cute.

Becks- none of us would forget the bicarb douche girl! You are so close now - many congratulations. It didn't seem all that long ago that you were on here.

Heart - i know plenty of people who had no symptoms. That is quite normal. in fact most people i know who have been pregnant don't have symptoms. But I can understand the worry so best of luck next week and I'm sure your mind will be put at rest.

Roy is feeling better now. It was a blip but I think the sadness and worry is bubbling under the surface for him too. So just to cheer him up, i discussed donor eggs with him as I fear mine are frazzled. Anyway, I don't think we will ever go down this route if it came to that. Poor chap but I like to discuss our options even if it doesn't come to that.

Waves to everyone.

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