I regret it but I'm going to fix it

[sephrenia]

Nobody other than my husband knows I feel the way I do, but I need support from other women who will understand how much a stupid (for me) decision affected everything I do.

On 16th January 2007, I had a sterilisation. I talked myself into it after having suffered horrendous PND with my daughter and my son. I knew as soon as I came round from the anaesthetic that I'd made the worst mistake ever. Even worse in my eyes than having gotten pregnant at 17. I talked to my husband about it and he said that he'd not really wanted me to, but as it was my body, he couldn't and wouldn't have stopped me. As much as I appreciated the fact he let me make my own mind up, I could've hit him for not telling me before I'd got it done!

Anyway, we started saving to get it reversed and we'd reached just under £2000 when I got an ovarian cyst. The pain from that meant I had to leave my job and by the time I had the surgery in January last year, we'd spent most of the savings just trying to keep the bills paid and food on the table. Still, I figured I'd just get another job and save again but A) I couldn't find anyone who would hire me (too qualified or not qualified enough) and B) in October 2010 the cyst came back.

I had the initial scan in December last year and the results showed it was a little more complex than the last one and needed and MRI. I had the MRI in February which showed it had twisted around the tube and gone behind my womb so this time, open surgery was required. I had the operation on April 7th and it was worse than I expected. The consultant who came to see me the day after said that the cyst had enveloped my ovary like something from the film 'Aliens' and melted it, so they had to take the ovary and cyst out together.

Now keep in mind that I was woozy as hell from the morphine drip thing, and the consultant knew that I wanted more children because I'd told him at every damn appointment that I wanted him to do everything he could to save the ovary for just that reason. It was at this point he rather offhandedly said, "You won't need to have a sterilisation reversal either. In your case, it won't work. Your only hope is IVF". I was rather stunned at that and literally smiled at the silly sod and said, "that's okay, I still have one ovary and that's all I need for IVF".

Anyway, I'm still recovering from the operation (I never seem to heal as easily as other women do after operations) and it finally sunk in. I was brooding on it for a couple of weeks and making myself get depressed over it so I talked to my husband to see what he thought. He's agreed to save for IVF, woo!

So that's where I am right now; searching for a job, any job and getting better at the same time. I don't know where I fit in on this section of MN so I figured I'd make my own little thread until someone can point me in the right direction. Sorry for the length!

[Aworryingtrend]

You have been sterilised? Really? Forgive my bluntness but I find it a tad hard to believe that a 30 year old could possibly be sterilised at such a young age, and without having to undergo counselling which would have surely revealed that in fact it would be 'the worst mistake ever'.

You say you need support from other women who will understand making this decision. I cannot speak for everyone on here, however I personally cannot understand your decision to a) be sterilised (surely a belt and braces approach to contraception plus MAP if necessary would suffice????) and then b) change your mind again. Frankly it seems a little...unbelievable.

[GilbertsGrapes]

AWT My mum got sterilised at 23 just because she had an incompetant cervix, that could have been fixed with a stitch. Severe PND therefore is a very viable reason for medical authorities to allow for sterilisation.

I have no experience myself of your situation sephrena, but I wish you all the luck in the world with regards to your recovery and that job hunting. You'll get there I'm sure :)

[sephrenia]

AWT - apart from my issues with severe PND, I also have seven stepchildren, five of which were living with me until my daughter was over a year old and that contributed massively to the PND. When my son was born, apart from having had severe SPD, two of my stepchildren were living with me and the others were taking turns to have 'breaks' at my house.

Shortly thereafter, I had a miscarriage and with my husband being 20 years older than me, in my mind, it made perfect sense to have a sterilisation as my body seemed to be giving up and I convinced the doctors I wanted it. I'd convinced myself it was the best thing. When I woke up from the surgery, I knew immediately I'd screwed up but put that down to just having had the operation.

Over the months though, it got worse and that's led to my trying to get money together to get a reversal, cysts and now, IVF. I'm in a much better place mentally than I was then and we're very stable and I know that this is the right thing for us.

GilbertsGrapes Thank you, I appreciate you posting

[AKissIsNotAContract]

My best friend has had 2 unsuccessful rounds of IVF and it is heartbreaking even for me as a friend, I can only imagine what it must be like for her. Be prepared that you could save all that money and it still may not work.

So you have 2 children and seven step children? I appreciate that doesn't change the fact that you desperately want another, but they also need to be considered. IVF puts a huge strain on relationships and that will affect your children's lives too.

I wish you luck and hope you don't see my post as negative. It's a great shame that you were sterilised without being in the right headspace to make that decision. I think you need to think very hard to ensure you are definitely in the right headspace before embarking on IVF.

[meliesmummy]

Hello

I want to post to say sorry that responses to your thread have been so negative. You are going through a hard time and don't deserve that.

I have no experience of ivf, and although it is something that I don't think that I would be strong enough to go through, everyone and every family is different and you know what's right for you.

I wish you all the best, I think that there is an ivf support thread here, might be worth chatting to the ladies there x

[FlipFantasia]

Hello

Also sorry that you've had some negative reaction. I've got no experience of PND or SPD (thank god) but I know the impact of them can be severe. I'm sorry you've had the stress of not just wanting to reverse the sterilisation but also of the ovarian cyst.

I just wanted to say that IVF is not always as terrible as it sounds. I had IVF/ICSI at the age of 31 and got pregnant first time. It is stressful, but in our case it was a lot less stressful than not having a child. I will have it again when we're ready to have another child (DS is 14 months old). You are soon a dab hand at sniffing or injecting the necessary hormones, and egg collection (the most physically invasive part) is not anything as painful or invasive as the surgery you've already had.

You could also ask to get some hormones tested via your GP, eg FSH/LH day 3 tests, as you will need a raft of blood tests as part of IVF. The basic tests like FSH can be a good indicator of how you will respond to the IVF stimulation drugs.

There are some other ways of doing IVF more cheaply - one is to self-fund via the NHS. This is basically where you get treatment at an NHS fertility unit but you pay the cost yourself. This is a good option if you have a good NHS unit near you (eg Guy's in London is great). When we were looking I was put off by the low success rates of some NHS hospitals. Another option is to go abroad - Spain, Norway, Turkey, Greece, Czech republic etc are all popular with UK patients. This may not be an option for you with your young family. Another option may be egg-sharing. This is where you'd get almost-free treatment at a private clinic in return for giving half your eggs to another woman who needs donor eggs. This may not be an option if you have only one ovary but it's something you could check out yourself.

Also, a big cost of IVF is the fertility drugs. Asda do fertility drugs at cost price and were the cheapest option (by a good bit) when we were getting our prescription filled. Lots of people think they have to get their drugs from the clinic's pharmacy so end up paying more money than they need to.

The assisted conception thread on here is very supportive and the website Fertility Friends is also an excellent resource and full of very supportive women. Loads of info about various clinics, treatment abroad, etc.

Good luck with whatever treatment you decide on.

[sephrenia]

Sorry I took a while to get back to you all and thank you for your replies, I appreciate them all

AKissIsNotAContract I understand the strain this can bring and this has been thought through very carefully. I've talked to the older children about this including any and all possible outcomes and their response has been outstandingly positive.

I know that it can go tits up and then some, but if it does, at least we can say we tried

meliesmummy Thank you for pointing me to that thread, I'm still reading through from page one

FlipFantasia - I really like the sound of self-funding through the NHS, especially if it will keep costs down. Our nearest hospitals are Leeds General Infirmary and St James's and apparently both of them have very good reputations for IVF. Obviously we're only just beginning to research all this and there's a lot of information to take in right now, but at least we're making a start. I do have to say though, fertility drugs from Asda?! I didn't know you could get them anywhere but a clinic!

Thank you for pointing me in the direction of Fertility Friends by the way, I'm going to go and look at those when I've finished reading the assisted conception thread