Ambivalent about TTC over 40 - long ramble

[Peona]

Hi, can you ladies give me some advice? I am due to have treatment in a couple of months at a clinic in Greece as I need egg donation due to POF (found out aged 16 and well adjusted to it), and we also need sperm donation as DH has a chromosome abnormality (which has taken him a fair few years to adjust to).

I am now 45 and he is 48 and over the last 10 years we have had: three attempts at IVF with egg-share in the UK, which ended in miscarriages as his chromosome abnormality wasn't diagnosed until after the third; one go at pre-implantation genetic diagnosis, but all embies were affected with unbalanced translocations so not viable; we tried adoption, but our match didn't work out (won't go into details here); then started to consider double-donor IVF.

So here we are! Basic problem is that DH is currently very against having a kid - says he's HAD ENOUGH, he's TOO OLD, it'll be TOO MUCH WORK, he wants to have a life now and that he's FED UP with this whole kid-treadmill which he feels has taken over the last 10 years. I do understand how he feels but I'm still keen to have this last go, although I also worry I might be to old to keep up with a small child, and from my time when we tried to adopt I know that having kids is exhausting, and quite a lot of it is very boring challenging. I like to lie in bed, read books, and need time on my own to think etc so sometimes I do feel like giving up with this quest for a child, but then I panic and think I really don't want to be "childfree". I also don't want to risk my relationship with DH. So,as you can see I am very confused as to what to do! Sorry to go on, but I feel like I'm going mad here - any words of wisdom?!

[lozster]

crikey - i have no words of wisdom but it sounds like you've both really been through the mill. Ten years is a long time and you've endured so many disappointments. Maybe put a time limit on this and agree to make this the last shot? I hope you reach a decision you're comfortable with. Good luck

[galwaygal]

I think that only you can really say how much you need to try to fulfill your need to have a child vs enjoying the freedoms not having children affords you. I think as women reach their 40's there is often the realisation that time is not on our side, while men don't have this need to procreate in the same way.

Only you can really know how much not giving it another go will make you feel. Will you resent your dh for it? What if it does not work out? What if your dh says absolutely no, will it risk your relationship from your side?

Has your dh only just said he wants to stop, or has he been saying this for years and coming around to one more try each time? Is it possible that he would come around to the idea in the next few months? Is he concerned about you and how it will affect you? I know that my dh has said no more in the past but given time and seeing how much it means to me, has eventually come around. Is this the case with your dh or is this his finally decision?

You have tried for so long, ten years is a long time to be on the treadmill of trying, I can understand your reluctance at giving up at this point. The panic of the thought of being childless is a natural reaction. To stop after so long would be very hard. Children are hardwork, but the rewards are great too. Life without children can be exciting and easier in so many ways, but also hard to deal with the being "childless" issues that come with it. I am sure that I would find it very very hard to give up, but I am not you, you may find it easier.

Only you can really know what is right for you and your marriage. I hope that you can come to a decision that is right for you and that both you and your dh can be at peace with.

[Peona]

Thank you both. I had thought DH was ok with the idea of this being the last go, after which I could feel I had tried everything and if it still hadn't worked out we could skip hand in hand into the sunset (blowing the potential £200k estimated to bring up a kid according to the latest reports) on fast cars and holidays. I think that he will come around - I just don't want to have no help with a small one just because he 'didn't agree with it' and I wouldn't want small one ever to get the impression he/she wasn't wanted.