This is it, feeling like this will never happen, 4 years of pain, appointment Monday to go on the pill....

[littletortie]

We have been TTC for 4 years with 1 MC. We have had the works- lap and dye, laser treatment for endo, sperm tests, hormone profiles, jabbed, prodded and probed, hypnotherapy, acupunture, reflexology, counselling, Zita West Clinic.

My MC was awful- retained products but no D&C, got a huge infection and was bleeding for months, I dont think I've ever got over it. I wonder sometimes if its done more damage physically and mentally than I will ever realise

I'm usually so positive and can get through this and am the one that helps others cope but I can't do it anymore. I suffer from awful PMDD which is like a black cloud over me for 2 weeks each month, I feel wretched and its not fair on me or my husband or my DD. She is 7 now and we have been TTC since she was 3- it breaks my heart.

Everyone is pregnant. fact. Everywhere I look- even people I know that have TTC for over a decade have suddenly got pregnant- why not me????

I'm so fed up of carrying this weight, this burden, this knot in my chest, that I am ending it. I don't want to long for a baby anymore- I want to forget about it and live my life. I want to enjoy my beautiful, clever daughter and amazing husband without this unspoken, horrible feeling in the background anymore.

Therefore, I am going back on the pill on Monday. For as long as it takes to feel normal again. We are supposed to be having IVF in January and I dont even want that- if it doesnt work, thats just more pain so whats the point??

I cant begin to say how difficult this has been to write and what kind of decision this is to make. I'm probably a coward and should just 'not give up' like everyone keeps telling me.

Has anyone else been here, felt like this, drastically given up. I need to speak to people who have been in my shoes.

[GetDownYouWillFall]

Oh littletortie I am so sorry for the pain and torture you've been through. It is totally heart breaking

It does sound like a good idea to have a break for a little while.

We found that using condoms was a good choice, because if you do decide to "have another go" at some point, you don't have to wait for your hormones to normalise again, but I do understand that the pill may feel better for you.

Don't want to sound trite, but can you immerse yourself in a hobby - something you really enjoy - that is totally un-baby related? I have just got into scrapbooking and I find it a great release of tension and stress and totally takes my mind of everything.

take care

[tinky19]

I'm so sorry littletortie. I can't pretend to know how you are feeling but didn't want to read and run. FWIW, my cousin was TTC for seven years with 2 MC and is now 4months pregnant. I suppose there's always hope.

[KTRace]

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. I am in your shoes but not as far down the road, it has been just over 2.5 years of trying, since my DD was 1. I have had 2 MC the most recent of which was 5 weeks ago, 6 on tuesday. I am still bleeding, my head is all over the place, I am barely coping.

I want the TTC to be over too so I totally understand why you are going to go on the pill, if I ever stop bleeding then it is something I am going to consider as the pain of FTC as well as MC are just so hard.

Everyone around me is pregnant too or recently has babies. I find the conversations about how guilty these mothers feel for not being able to give the same amount of attention to either child just awful as the guilt I feel for being a shit mum for being depressed as well as not being able to provide a sibling is crippling as well as not spoken about. I listen, I nod then I go home and cry. I feel like I am wrecking my DD's childhood and I wonder what she tells her nursery school teachers.

I think a break is a good idea, you need (we need) it not to be the focus our lives. I agree with getting a hobby or other interest, I am trying to work out what to do with my life. I have just thrown out all my maternity gear and I will start sorting through the baby clothes when I feel strong enough.

Part of me wants to fast forward 5 years where the decision will have been made either way and this awful time will be behind us, part of me needs to focus on my DD and make these years happy for her, and I do try my hardest, just inside I am falling apart.

Not sure if that has helped you, I just wanted to know that you are not alone and I am hear if you want to speak xxx

[HeadlessLadyBoo]

LittleTortie I haven't been in your shoes. But I don't think in anyway that you are "a coward and should just 'not give up' like everyone keeps telling me."

Surely, at some point everyone who is unlucky enough to experience ongoing subfertility is going to hit the wall and have to decide whether keeping going is still the right decision for them at that moment in time.

I think you're doing the right thing. No decision that you make right now, is permanant or forever. If you decide later on to come off the pill and just see if anything happens, then so be it. If you decide once you've been on the pill that you're happier moving on in your lives and accepting that this particular journey has ended for you, so be it. I am in awe of the women who endure intervention after intervention to try to find answers and get the result they want for their family. No one can blame them for eventually reaching a point where the answer to the 'what now?' question is 'stop'.

[littletortie]

I almost want there to be no hope. I'm fed up of feeling like this is a cruel joke and someone is taking the piss out of me. I don't want to be disappointed every month, I want to know it's not going to happen, no hoping.

[KTRace]

here not hear.

Oh littletortie I so understand what you are saying, I really think I could cope better if I was told it would never happen and that way I could just put it behind me and move on. But then I think if they did I would be devastated.

You sound like you desperately need a break from TTC, I think some type of contraception would be good and that way sex isn't about TTC and you won't get your hopes up every month and dashed every month. x

[galwaygal]

littletortie - I am amazed at your strength, your are not being a coward, the decision you are making takes more strength than carrying on. I am a coward for not finding the strength to go back on the pill or letting my dh go for the snip as he has offered to do. I have had 9 miscarriages in the last 2.5 years and I am still not able to find the strength to stop. I keep hoping for my miracle, but in reality it is not likely to happen for me, so the sensible thing for me, my sanity and my family would be to stop. I don't have your strength. I just want to say well done on your decision.

[Stillcounting]

littletortie just wanted to post in support. I totally 'get' where you are coming from. So sorry you are feeling this way - it's really tough. It's a really, really difficult decision to have to make. (I know it's the hardest thing I have ever had to wrestle with.) I prevaricated for YEARS... just didn't know what to do for the best. I promise you it does get better - but it's not linear - it's very up and down. But there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I won't go in to all the gruesome details but tried for over 5 yrs to conceive no.2. Two early miscarriages and some very unpleasant gynae. complications down the line I had to give up (largely because I was so ill each month I couldn't look after DD1 or work.) Also, I just couldn't go through the "am I?" "am I not?" cycle every month any more ...and I certainly couldn't face the disapppointment of another mc.

I'm old though so only had limited time ... and it's virtually run out. I've started to come to terms with it. Some days easier than others but on the whole feel very blessed to have had one fantastic dd1 (now 7 yrs) and trying to see the positive side of things. I do get tempted every so often to "have one more go" but then the reality hits of what I would have to go through physically - and I know I just can't do it anymore - also, given the medical complications and my age, it would feel like I was "pushing my luck".

It took me years to get to that point though and I went on trying probably much longer than I should have. Looking back, it wasn't fair on dh or dd if I'm honest but I couldn't give it up.

Now though, medically speaking, I feel a huge weight off my shoulders and am enjoying a bit more freedom to concentrate on my own projects and look around at the wider world (instead of being so narrowly focused on getting pregnantt) ... ... on the other hand ... I feel so sad for dd as I come from a large family and wanted her to experience the same sort of upbringing.

I don't think that particular sense of sadness will ever leave me tbh but there's nothing much I can do about it except ensure that dd has a close relationship with her cousins. I've even got to the stage where I am about to sell off all the baby clothes and equipment at a 2nd hand fund-raising event next week.. it's not going to be easy .. but another step towards facing the reality of it, which I suppose is good!

I know how hard it is when everyone around you is getting pregnant too. All my friends are "just having the two" ...in fact three close friends of mine had babies in the last fortnight! Only you can know in your heart of hearts whether you are making the right decision and - if it's the right decision for you and for your family - you will come to terms with it eventually. It won't be easy, but it will get easier I promise!

I know that sounds trite - I don't mean it to be - just wanted to say that I don't think you are being cowardly at all - quite the reverse.

[littletortie]

I think one of the hardest things is that I am young- I'm only 29 and I really get annoyed at people thinking I should not feel the way I do because of my age. My age has no bearing on my level of fertility or how I feel. Time may be on my side but if one more person tells me that, I'll scream. It just means that I could feel like this for longer- my age has nothing to do with it.

[fedupttcnosuccess]

Littletortie: I totally feel for you. Dh 43, I'm 40, married for 5 years, 'no' contraception since wedding. Seriously ttc#1 for over 2years: all manner of tests confirmed undiagnosed fertility in both of us: tests showed all our results text book prfect for conception. Seriously considering private ivf in new year. New to MN , recently discovered charting amongst a zillion other things to try: hopeful, but pessimistic. Been teetotal for past 18 months: both of us! Feel at the end of our tether. Very similar feelings to yourself, i. e. Should we go through the misery of ivf only to fail that too. Are we strong enough to survive that last humiliation? Only to be told that my eggs are not up to it? At the moment very regular 28 day cycle, ovulate without fail on the 14/15 day: but what does all that data signify if we haven't achieved pregnancy, viable or not, to date. His sperm analysis came back good too. We're at a crossroads too, but babies everywhere exacerbate the feeling of uselessness. When younger pursued silly career goals, to climb corporate ladder-now all seems pointless. Wish someone had told us to have the babies first. Questioning our own mortality and the reason for our being: brought to the surface by elderly parents frail health( both sides): the question is almost deafening"who is there for us?"

[littletortie]

The feeling of failure is immense. My daughter isn't my husbands, he is such a good dad and dotes on her and his nephew. The simple fact that I can't give him a child of his own really hurts. He doesn't mind me going on the pill, says he just wants me to be relaxed and happy.

[galwaygal]

Littletortie - you have not failed, you are chosing a different path, that is not failure. It is good to hear that your dh is so supportive, to want you to be happy. Perhaps being able to walk away from ttc will help you in this way. I know no matter how many times people say you are not a failure, it might still feel like it at times. But please try to believe it, it is true,

The pain of not being able to give your dh a child of his own, must be hard, but you are sharing your daughter with him day by day. He is being a dad in every way that really matters. It would be nice to have a child with him there is no doubt, but focussing on what you do have would be a good thing that you are doing, not negative.

I hope that goingon the pill gives you some peace to help with the hurt. If nothing else it does sound like you need a break from the pressure to have a baby. We all know that pressure can get too much at times, and the hurt is always there. But to give yourself a mental, physical and emotional break by going on the pill sounds like a good idea. I don't know if I will ever find the strenght to accept not having another child. I think that you are doing what you need to do and think that you are amazing to carry it through.

[littletortie]

What lovely kind words. You are so kind. X

My mind is absolutely made up, 6 months plus on the pill. No Ivf in January, not till I feel stronger. Dh is on the lap top now booking flights for next august for a Greek jaunt just to make sure we stick with this!!! Xxx

[littletortie]

I still feel like a failure though. I never thought I would be in this situation, my heart is broken. Not strong enough to carry on but not strong enough to give up forever. I know after a few months break I will want to start again as strong as ever. I hate it.

[KTRace]

I think booking a holiday is a great idea. It is what we have done, booked a holiday that I can't be pregnant for otherwise won't be able to enjoy it.

I feel like a failure too so I don't know what to say to convince you that you are NOT a failure. I am sure more than anything else in the whole world your DH just wants you to be happy and enjoying life.

Go on the pill get strong again, get to August and when your holiday is over see what you and your DH want to do with regard to TTC.

[littletortie]

Job done, went and got the pill, gp was as fantastic as always, said "just have a break from it all and enjoy a few months of peace and calm"- such a lovely man. Taken my first one with cup of tea and smoked salmon sandwich!!! Looking forward to a few months off now. Holiday booked for next year so no time for babies!!! Ivf when we get back.....

[KTRace]

Glad to hear you are feeling more positive x