Mumsnetters aren't necessarily qualified to help if your child is unwell. If you have any serious medical concerns, we would urge you to consult your GP.

Dd2 (13) saying she can't do this anymore and wants to be dead. No gp appointments left for today, what do i do ?

(58 Posts)

She is suffering from depression and anxiety (imo) and has been referred to camhs, but our appointment isn't until 25th June.

Have had an awful morning with her and I don't know what to do anymore.

mirry2 Tue 11-Jun-13 11:24:59

Is there a nurse she could see at the surgery? Or could you ask for a GP telephone appointment today?
I would also ring up CAMHS to tell them she's suicidal.
Another idea is to ring up the Samaritans or even Childline- or see if she will.

MagicBaguette Tue 11-Jun-13 11:26:34

Your poor DD. I've been in a similar situation to her and am really feeling for you both.

It sounds as though things are pretty desperate. Give the Samaritans a call and they will be able to advise you on what to do.

Or, if you feel as though your DD is at risk of harming herself, take her to A&E. Suicidal intentions ARE an emergency, and you will be able to get immediate help there and feel ad though you are in a safe place.


Hadmeathello Tue 11-Jun-13 11:26:58

Could you take her to a&e maybe? Thinking of you both.

TheDeadlyDonkey Tue 11-Jun-13 11:27:24

If you have a number for CAMHS, ring them and speak to them.
Can you retry the GP and explain how urgent it is?

Witchesbrewandbiscuits Tue 11-Jun-13 11:27:44

how are things at school? thanks

Summerloading Tue 11-Jun-13 11:28:06

Hello, I'm so sorry to hear this. Does your surgery offer emergency appointments? Alternatively you may be able to book a phone call.

It may also be worth phoning CAHMS to see if they can see you today.

It's so hard seeing our dc suffering. My dd has been through something similar. She has a dx of Asperger's and PDA.

Does your dd have a dx? Are ther any support groups or charities nearby you can turn to?

Twitterqueen Tue 11-Jun-13 11:29:44

Local phsychotherapist? I know it's a lot of money but she obviously needs to talk to someone very quickly.

Also of course as above - Childline, Samaritans


I've had the same with my daughter - but never threatening to end it all.. poor girl and poor you. It WILL pass

Thanks all. Have rung gp again and they said to ring back at 2pm and they will book an emergency appointment for later today.

Is that ok, do you think, to wait until then I mean ? She is with me, in the same room, and not leaving my sight.

She has no diagnosis yet no, as we've only seen the gp up until now, who has been loely to her, but not done anything other than refer her on.

I found out a few weeks ago that she'd been self harming (cutting her arms), and on that same day she also started having panic attacks.
She hates her life she says. She is chronically shy and this is hugely affecting her ability to participate in day to day life.
She says she has no friends, she is fat, ugly, thick etc.

She has refused to go to school recently, and we had one meeting with school, and then dd did go for a few days, but now she refused again today. A pastoral member of staff spoke to her oer the phone, but wasn't very nice (told her i was going to start getting fined, and people from school would come to the house), and dd ended u crying and throwing the phone at me.

She is also becoming very volatile and hitting her siblings ad throwing things around.

mirry2 Tue 11-Jun-13 11:46:00

Op flowers I was that child once. All i can say is that I believe the dispair she feels will come to an end one day. just have faith and show her how much you care.

Thankyou Mirry x

Snazzywaitingforsummer Tue 11-Jun-13 12:08:33

I know you have the GP appt now but in case that doesn't work out for any reason, I temped for CAHMS years ago and I am sure they had an emergency service for moments like this where a child is threatening serious self harm. Do ring them if you need to. Wishing you lots of strength to get through the day in the meantime.

monikar Tue 11-Jun-13 12:22:13

Oh dear, I'm so sorry you are going through this at the moment. Your poor DD and poor you.

You have done the right thing and have everything in hand. In answer to your question 'is it ok to wait until then' then I think the answer is yes. Just keep her with you as you are doing - just having you with her will provide her with reassurance.

If you feel seriously concerned at any time that she may harm herself, you always have the option of phoning for an ambulance. Just having that at the back of your mind may make the waiting a little easier.


Thank you. I will ring cahms once I know what time our gp appointment is later.

I am slightly worried that they may want to admit her somewhere. Is that likely does anyone know ? If they asked if i thought she was a danger to herself or anyone else then I think i'd have to answer yes at the moment.

They haven't mentioned medicating her yet either, and I am starting to think it should be an option.

Fairylea Tue 11-Jun-13 13:04:28

I was your dd once. For me a lot of it was linked to friendship problems at school / lack of friends. I missed the whole of year 8 at school more or less (in the end they sent work home, could they do this?) And then I started another school in year 9. Would that be an option? Maybe a fresh start might be what she needs.

Also, I realise this might be a silly idea but would you be able to do something totally fun with her today to remind her that life is worth living? Cinema, shopping, lunch out whatever else.. something physical would be good maybe even bowling or ice skating. I know that probably sounds ridiculous but sometimes for a depressed young teen its about breaking the barriers and trying to show them there's more to life than school. (My mum took me on a short holiday to a very cheap youth hostel with her for 3 days, lots of walking .... sounds cheesy but exercise really does help lift depression along with medication and counselling).

I really feel for you both. It's not an easy time.

If you want to do the cinema trip on Wednesday I have orange Wednesdays so you can have 2 tickets for the price of 1. Just inbox me and I will be glad to let you have my code. X

Fairylea Tue 11-Jun-13 13:06:19

Meant to add medication really helped me. Along with visits to a psychologist. However I got very angry when I realised the psychologist was writing updates to my mum. As a mum now I understand this but at the time I was livid and refused to go back. Just something to bear in mind.

Being admitted can be the best thing.

It was for me.

I self harmed from 13 to 17 and then tried to kill myself. I was asked if i'd go in voluntarily and agreed (so I wasn't sectioned). I got 6 weeks of CBT (for the self harming) and a bit for the depressive thinking and was put on meds.

I firmly believe that those 6 weeks saved my life smile

(and i'm now a very happy 22 year old doing a degree with a 2 year old, so it's not an indicator of how her adult life will be) thanks

vitaminC Tue 11-Jun-13 13:27:37

I went through this when my DD was 11 1/2. In the end, after several months of it escalating and being fobbed off, I put her in the car one day and drove to casualty at the local children's hospital.

I told the staff I was no longer able to ensure her own safety or that of my other children and that I wouldn't be leaving until they found her a bed and admitted her!

After several hours, they told me they'd be keeping her in casualty overnight, then admitting her to a paediatric psychiatric unit the following day.

She was an in-patient for 3 months, but it did her the world of good!
She now (at 14) communicates and will come to talk to me well before things get out of hand and we have a pretty good relationship!

Don't give up hope, but be the squeeky wheel until your DD gets the help she needs!

Longtallsally Tue 11-Jun-13 13:29:14

Just wanted to add that you can tell her that it is entirely normal to feel like this. She is not alone in going through this - many, many people who have suffered from depression have felt as she does now but have come through it to live happy and fulfilled lives. Depression in teenagers is particularly powerful, because of all those hormones amplifying every feeling you have, so it feels horrible, but you can get through it.

When you are depressed, every worry piles on top of your other feelings and you just feel sh*t about everything. Part of the treatment of depression is to help you see that X or Y or z may be upsetting/wrong (or even X, Y, and Z - but once you have separated out the things that are really getting you down, you can work on those problems. At the moment, they are all tangled up and feel far more powerful than they will do, once she has some help.

Hope that helps. (You will want to give her lots of hugs at the moment, but IME hugs aren't always very helpful when you feel this low.) Sending a virtual hug for you both.

I have suggested we go out to the cafe for a hot choc, but dd won't.

Thanks for the offer of the voucher fairylee, thats very kind of you, and if we make some progress I might just take you up on it.

I am really scared of them admitting her somewhere, although like you have all said I think it would give her the intense help she needs. I think she'd hate me for it though. Being seperated from me is one of her issues.

Trouble is, she is the same size as me (well heightwise) and if she goes for dd1 or ds any worse than she already has done, i'm not sure i could stop her. Likewise if she hurt herself.

I suffered from depression as a teen, so I do know how she feels somewhat.

If i forget to thank anyone or it looks like I haven't noticed what you'e said, then apologies, I am a bit all over the place at the moment.

vitaminC Tue 11-Jun-13 13:43:44

OP, my daughter hated being separated from me, too, but in the end that was what helped her open up and start talking.

At first, she was not allowed visitors for a whole week, then each parent for 1 hour per week! After 3 weeks it was a couple of hours twice a week, then gradually built up to her being allowed home for an afternoon, overnight and finally a whole weekend, before being discharged.

They also arranged for her to transition back into school by attending a special unit (off-site) for children with social phobias etc., which she continued attending after leaving the hospital, until the end of that school year.

Please don't be to harsh on yourself, and once you've got your daughter the help she needs, don't forget to take care of yourself, too! flowers

Thank you Vitamin smile

I take anti depressants myself but I am aware that I am struggling a little atm, so might have to go and see about having them increased for a while.

MagicBaguette Tue 11-Jun-13 14:55:28

Keep us updated, Nutcracker.

Remember to look after yourself too - your DD is the priority, but if you're feeling strong it will help her even more.

You're doing the right thing smile

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Tue 11-Jun-13 15:01:15

TON - I hope you can find a way though this for her - poor little love sad and please keep looking after yourself as well x

mignonette Tue 11-Jun-13 15:02:43

Is there a crisis intervention team that you could call? Even if it is for adult services, they may be able to offer phone support.

If not, try MIND or other voluntary services such as Childline. Have you made in clear to your GP that you consider this to be an emergency? Mental Health emergencies are as important as other health crises. I would add that A+E may well be a good resort as at the very least it will add a 'flag' to her notes. It also tells her that you are listening.

You have my sympathies. CAMHs are very patchy still. Can you access any support for yourself from support groups for parents?

mignonette Tue 11-Jun-13 15:05:45

If they want to admit her then that may be the best and only option. If she cannot take responsibility for her own safety because of her mental state, then others must do that for her. And you cannot be expected to do the job of inpatient services.

I know how hard it can be to hand your child over to inpatient care but sometimes it is the only way-to provide a place of safety and to remove the child from a dynamic/environment that they cannot feel safe in. And I mean that as no criticism of you or your care of her.

notasaint Tue 11-Jun-13 15:09:06

I feel for you. You are doing all the right things though.

Do you live in London? If so, the Maudsley child psychiatric unit is simply wonderful and one of the best in the world - see if you can get an urgent referral. When my DD was self harming at about the same age we had a really quick referral then months of CBT and fantastic help. She is now a happy, lovely teenager heading for a top University.

I think for her, it was friendship issues btw - that is just the age when they dominate for girls.

I wish you much strength. flowers

LilRedWG Tue 11-Jun-13 20:44:05

How is DD now Op? I hope that you managed to get her some help.

vitaminC Tue 11-Jun-13 21:23:26

Yes, OP, how are you all doing? flowers

Really sorry guys, tried to update earlier but had no connection.

Dd has been admitted. She's not on a psych ward as there are no beds, but she may be moved onto there tomorrow, depending on what happens when camhs see her. If they feel it is appropriate, she might come home and be seen in the community.

She was very honest with them and said she wishes she was dead, and that life isn't worth living sad
They also made a note of the fact that she's becoming more violent and destructive.

I haven't stayed with her, because een though I could have on the ward shes on now, I know I can't on the psych ward, so I felt it best to leae her from the start. She was ok when I left though, and is comfortable with the nurse she's got and that I will be back in to see her in the morning.

The messages on here mean such a lot, and it's nice to know i'm not alone, so thank you all.

Oh, and we are in Brum btw, so she is in the children's hospital, which I know is fab because I used to work there lol.

Snazzywaitingforsummer Wed 12-Jun-13 00:39:08

No worries, knew you would have a lot on your plate. Just glad that DD has been seen and taken seriously and is OK for the moment. Hope you can get some sleep tonight ready for tomorrow.

notasaint Wed 12-Jun-13 12:17:33

Well done OP. Your DD is in a safe place now and I am sure the doctors will treat her appropriately. It's tough that she is not at home with you but it does sound like some inpatient treatment could be good for her. You did the right thing. I wish you all the luck in the world with her treatment.

I expect you feel shattered. Are you ok? How are the younger ones taking this? I expect they will need reassurance too.

LilRedWG Wed 12-Jun-13 12:32:26

Well done. I'm glad DD is safe and you are right BCH is a wonderful hospital!

Januarymadness Wed 12-Jun-13 12:38:20

Well done. Stay strong. She is exactly where she needs to be xxx

SacreBlue Wed 12-Jun-13 12:55:54

flowers just posted on teen thread and saw this one - so sad actually to hear so many others have been through this. I was hospitalised as a teen and I am not sure if you will appreciate my input (so do ask for it to be removed if you wish)

I had to go to family therapy after hospital but the therapist I saw 121 was very judgmental of me and the family therapy focused on me 'being the problem' rather than family dynamics or addressing the issues I was facing. I am so glad to hear the hospital you have is a good one and of course I expect things have moved on in the intervening years. Checking out with your DD about how things are going is a good idea as adults are advised to 'shop around' for a 'best fit' therapist and I think that's a good idea for children too.

I was on medication for a long time after but found 121 talking therapy followed by group (of peers rather than the family therapy but that, again, may be better now, and in your area, than my experience) worked really well for me.

Looking back I realise a lot of my anger was at perceived favouritism within the family as well as chemical imbalances so at the time I resented 'help' for other family members (making me the 'bad' one) but I later realised the terrible impact that my suicide attempts had on my siblings and regret inflicting that on them and resenting the support they got.

On a happier note after help I have gone on to have a good life and my experiences have certainly helped me with my DS.

I wish you and your family all the best and will be thinking of you and yours xx

FWIW in later years I have come to respect and love my DP and siblings much more for their love of me at what was an horrific time in my life because I now realise how horrific it was for them too.

Hello everyone.

Dd is home, came home yesterday infact. She had an hour long meeting with an emergency camhs worker before ahe was discharged.
We have an appointment next wed with the same worker, and her file has been expedited with our local camhs team, so we sould see them soon too.
Dd is ok, very quiet and very very clingy to me, but otherwise ok.

I spoke to school briefly, and they have said she can have a phased return to school, but i feel they are not quite getting it.
They rang requesting a meeting be arranged with me, dd, head of year, and the pastoral worker that upset dd so much just before she was admitted.
I have already told them that I refuse to deal with that woman any more.

Camhs have said that if school ring me asking about any of dd's absences at school, to refer them to them, and they will authorise it all.

I am not ok, but not great. I am finding the fact that I am dealing with this alone, quite hard to take. I do have family support in the form of my mum, but we don't get on that well and so I feel quite alone.

Oh mediaction for dd hasn't ben mentioned btw, so i am assuming they think it isn't approrpriate.

I meant i am ok, but not great

piratecat Fri 14-Jun-13 00:46:23

hiya. i am so sorry.
just saw this and am half asleep.
don't get upset about stupid school stuff. i have had so much shit over my dd absences through health. they don't get it and only care about attendance.
i know what its like to be the only one they have to be there for them and i like you struggle with my mental health.
Will pop back tomorrow to see how you are. x

Thanks PC. Haven't spoken to you for a while. It's nice to hear from you smile

School are annoying me, and they shouldn't because I am quite a quiet, reserved person, but upset my kids, and piss me off and I wil fight them all the way. As far as I am concerned, this woman is having nothing to do with my dd again, and if school have any problems with dd's absence, I don;t care.

grandmainmypocket Fri 14-Jun-13 02:40:47

Thinking of you. You're daughter's lucky to hsve you.

piratecat Fri 14-Jun-13 10:09:06

how is she today nutty? xx and how are you

3littlefrogs Fri 14-Jun-13 10:23:42

I wouldn't even think about sending her back to school. It sounds as if the school is the cause of her problems.

Maybe focussing on getting her a bit better, then a change of school would be a better plan.

Different scenario, but DS1 was suicidal due to bullying at primary school. We had counselling, part time return to school, but in the end, taking him out and sending him to a different school was the thing that turned our lives around.

piratecat Fri 14-Jun-13 10:24:45

3littlefrogs your poor ds, so glad he his doing better at the new school.

mummytime Fri 14-Jun-13 10:25:50

Don't worry about school if you have CAMHS on your side there is nothing they can do really. Did CAHMS give you emergency phone nos. etc?
Actually can you put something in writing referring them to CAHMs, and if they give you more hassle, then write/email saying the phone calls are harassment and enclose a copy of the first letter referring them to CAHMS (I would also at that stage copy in a Governor).

LilRedWG Fri 14-Jun-13 10:35:43

Refer school to CAHMs.

chimchar Fri 14-Jun-13 11:05:34

So sorry to read about your daughter.

I hope she (and you) are feeling a little better now she has some help coming her way.

I would write a note to the school saying that your dd is not well, is under the care of CAMHS and that she won't be in for the coming weeks. You will be in touch when she is ready for a phased return.

In my area, it would be the Attendance officer who would visit you... they are the "goodies" as it were, and will go between you and school to arrange a satisfactory compromise. In my experience, if you have kept school informed of what's going on, you have done what you can.

good luck to's a little hug too. ((())) x

Dd does want to try and return to school, but we have sat down and looked at her timetable and there are some lessons that she won't be doing when she is in Yr 9 in Sept, so there is little point in her going to those now anyway.

I have spoken to school again today and I am meeting with them next tuesday. They wanted the astoral worker that upset dd in on the meeting but I said no way, and they have said ok.

Camhs are sending me two copies of the letter they are sending to our local camhs team, and so I school can have one of those.

Dd is quite bright today. Took her out for breakast at Asda, so she isn't just sat in the house all day.
If the phased return to school doesn't work for whatever reason, I will pull dd out of there permanently and look for another school.

I am ok, tired and a bit down but trying to remain positive and upbeat for dd.

3littlefrogs - That sounds awful for your ds sad, but i'm glad he is happier now.

cestlavielife Fri 14-Jun-13 15:29:03

ask lea for the named oficer in charge of pupils with medical reasons for not attending school - it might not be the attendance/welfare officer. that person can help liaise with school/CAMHS and might arange home tutor or small group or hospital school in the interim

3littlefrogs Fri 14-Jun-13 18:51:05

OP - don't underestimate the effect a bad environment can have on a child.

I learned the hard way that instead of wondering what was wrong with my child, blaming myself for somehow being at fault WRT his upbringing etc, I should have realised earlier that it was the people he had to spend all day with that were the problem.

I am not saying this is the case with your DD, but just getting her out of a place that is making her stressed could make a big difference.

Camhs have said that they will authorise any absences that dd has, while she is under their care, and so school can't do a thing.

I am happy to put dd in another school if she wants to but atm she wants to at least try and go back to her current school. I will e keeping a very close eye on what happens once she does though, and will pull her out at the first hint of it not working.

Any news on that appointment yet, OP?

I had a bout of this at 11 when I was getting bullied/picked on at school (parents realised how truly bad it was when I ran to get a knife) and at 14 (when I changed medication and the doctors didn't wean me off properly) and again at 17 due to something not very nice and gradually coming off my meds. Each time I was advised to not be left alone by the GP. I didn't want to kill myself but didn't want to be alive either. I know the true despair she must be feeling and I am so sorry for her that she's feeling this way. If there was anything I could do I really, really would!

I am always here to talk if you need someone even though I'm a stranger. I also have a sister who suffered from depression who had to be taken in as she felt so bad and another sister with borderline schizophrenia, so I know how these kind of things work. It can be pretty daunting, but sometimes it's the preferred option than for them to stay in the situation they are currently in, because it isn't helping them. It also means they wont be a danger to themselves or others.

I hope the appointment with CAHMS can be brought forward. I dealt with them and although the waiting list can take a while once you are on the list, they are very regular (once a week for me). I found it really useful to look at myself and am fascinated in psychology now myself. I am stable now and have a little girl and am as happy as could be now. On the lowest dosage of medication I can be on and I am on top of the world being a new Mummy - so she can get through it.

Sorry this was so long. I am wishing you both the best of luck. Big virtual hugs to your DD.

Hi, sorry for the lack of udpdate.

We saw the emergency camhs worker again on wed as planned, and the meeting was ok, but quite short tbh. Oyr original meeting with our local team (25th june) has been cancelled, as this was an assessent to see if dd was right for camhs, and because of everything thats gone on, they have already assessed her and know she is. So now our appointment with our local team isn't until 8th July. I am not overly pleased at the wait, but I know how streched they are, so I suppose it;s not that bad.

Dd went to school on Thursday as agreed, and even stayed all day instead of half a day, but then as predicted (because i was off work) she refused to go on Friday.
In the end after talking to her, I removed her phone. I wasn't sure wether this was the right thing to do or not, but I wanted to see what she would do if there was a punishment attached to not going.
Within half an hour of me removing it, she'd changed her mind, and she went into school at 11.

We still have a long way to go, and I am still very worried about dd, but we do seem to be making very small steps in the right direction.

Dd is still keen to view other schools, and so that is something we are looking in to.

cuggles Sun 23-Jun-13 18:01:46

You have had some great advice about ignoring school and referring to CAMHS etc on here OP...I hope it helps and I would agree with it all....just a quick additional strategy you could ask school to implement (I am a former HOY) is a timeout card..basically a card they can show to teacher if they begin to feel unsafe/unhappy/about to bolt or whatever and this gets them permission to leave the classroom and go to a place they have previously designated as "safe"..maybe Hoy office or welfare room or whatever..they can then regroup/calm down and return to lesson when ready or to next lesson. This can help if they are reluctant to go as they have a "getout" and I have found that often just having that tucked away can be a comfort and it is rarely used. HOY needs to monitor when it is used and check they turn up to safe spot etc and it is not intended as a long term thing but might get her there on days when she is feeling overwhelmed maybe?

Ah yes, school have ,mentioned a time out card too.

Dd has exmas this week coming, but the head of year has arranged for dd to do them in a room on her own, as dd doesnt want to walk into a room full of people.

Apologies if I have already said this, I am getting confused with what I have said to whom atm lol.

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