Cahms suggested for my very unhappy DS aged 8. Unsure what to do.

[amateurmum]

My ds, aged 8 is very anxious and unhappy. Most days he is panicky, nervous and sad - crying and displaying very poor behaviour.

This has been going on for about 4 weeks but he had a previous, similar episode about a year ago which lasted several months.

There does not seem to be a trigger and ds himself cannot identify one.

Last night was particularly bad with ds telling me he couldn't bear his feelings any longer and wanted to 'not exist'.

Despite fierce resistance from dh who thinks that we should manage this within the family, I took him to the Dr today. She feels that he may have a generalised anxiety disorder and wants to refer him to CAHMS. I don't really know what this will entail and need details in order to convince dh (and myself) that this is the right way forward.

I would be extremely grateful for advice from anyone with similar experiences or who works in this field - am desperate to do the right thing as this is very distressing for the whole family.

[amateurmum]

Bump - really need advice - sorry.

[BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny]

I'm all for help. To be honest, I don't think that this is something that you should keep 'in the family'. He'll be hitting puberty soon and the hormones going around really do cause havoc, if he's struggling now then it'll only get worse so the support and guidance that the camhs team can offer will help him so much. There's nothing to be ashamed or embarassed about, most people have some sort of mental health illness at some point, whether it's depression/anxiety etc, it's completely normal, 1 in 3 IIRC. The cahms team will assess him, normally by meeting with him and talking to him, them talking to your family. They may refer him to a therapist so he will get the support he needs. As a parent we can only do so much, if he had fallen over and broken his arm then you would take him for some help, this is no different.

[Nippersmum]

Hi, just wanted to relply, as no one else has replied and hate to think you haven't heard from anyone.
Could the School Nurse give you some information about CAHMS? Or what about the SENCo at the school, they should have leaflets etc.
Sorry not more help, but hope someone else can add to this.
Good luck!

[Boco]

My 7 year old dd was referred to Cahms because of anxiety.

They talked to us, and her, about her worries and what was happening, then gave us some ideas about what could help and what not to do. they gave me a workbook to read and fill in wiht her and then we went back again and went through it.

I found that a lot of things I was doing made it worse and I hadn't realised - things like reassurance - which naturally you'd want to do - were actually reinforcing dds anxieties. So, for us it was worthwhile and gave us some strategies to help her.

I think any help tends to be a good idea, so go along and see what they suggest. Good luck I hope your ds feels happier very soon.

[amateurmum]

Thank-you for your replies.

I feel that we should give it a try because nothing we are doing at home is helping in the long term.

DH is very concerned that ds will be labelled and singled out. Also, being a confident person himself who has never had similar issues, I don't think he really believes (or wants to believe) that this is a serious problem.

I will show him your reply, Boco, to try to convince him that therapy is not a sinister suggestion that will worsen the problem.

[optimisticmumma]

Hi amateurmum . I just wanted to post to say I think you've done the right thing. It is only natural that your DH wants to keep it in the family as he is probably worried about your DS being labelled - but if you get professional help it will sort out more quickly. I teach Y3/4 which I guess is the group your DS is in. I have come across very sad children. Unfortunately, some and maybe your DS, just has a personality which makes this kind of episode more likely. My own DS (13) is a bit like this and we have had to talk to him so much over the years to assure him that he does fit but not with is peers at that time etc. He is much better the older he grows. Have you heard of 'human givens'? Please google this as I have found it a most effective 'therapy' and would be great for your DS (unfortunately most practitioners are private but well worth the cost!)
I hope this helps you and good luck!

[optimisticmumma]

x-posted amateurmum!

[Boco]

tbh they might not even be offering therapy - it's more likely they'd just speak to you and your dh and try to give you some strategies to help rather than give ds therapy. And none of us have the answers and so it's totally ok to ask for experts to give us some pointers sometimes.

[amateurmum]

Optimisticmumma - thank you, have had a quick look at human givens and will study it more carefully when I am less tired!

This thread is making me feel better - I hate riding rough-shod over Dh's opinions but am so sad and worried about ds.

One of the problems is that ds refuses to talk to dh about the issue because 'daddy won't believe me'. I don't think this would be the case actually although he is likely to get more 'sympathy' from me and more 'practical solutions' from dh. Don't know how to overcome this.

[hester]

Hi amateurmum, so sorry you're going through this. I work broadly in the field and know that many parents are reluctant to use CAMHS services because of the fear that their child will be labelled and pathologised; mental health services are often seen as pit bulls who, once they have your child, never give them back. This is one of the reasons why only a minority of children who need CAMHS services get them.

I promise you (or rather, your dh) it's not like that. CAMHS services are organised differently in different areas, but generally your ds would be referred to a multi-disciplinary team that may include psychiatrists, psychologists, nurses, social workers and different kinds of therapists. They will assess why your ds is so unhappy and discuss with you how you can work together to help him.

This is not about labelling your child with a stigmatising label; it is about giving him the right kind of help now to stop his anxiety developing into a stigmatising condition. I wonder if your dh has a polarised view of mental health, thinking that people are either 'sane' or 'mad'? (I'm not getting at him, but lots of people do.) And that once your ds has crossed the bridge between the two, he can't get back? As I'm sure you know, it's way more complex than this; mental health problems are common in the population, they can usually be effectively treated, most children with anxiety or depression do NOT go on to have lifelong mental health problems. Your unhappy little boy deserves some expert help just as much as if he had asthma or a broken leg.

Best of luck to you.

[amateurmum]

Boco - probably you're right - I don't know why I am assuming 'therapy'.

[amateurmum]

Thank-you hester. Your comment about 'once he has crossed the bridge' really resonates with the situation. Will discuss this with dh tomorrow (he is away working tonight) and try to reassure him.

[solo]

You have my sympathy OP.
My Ds was 'suicidal' (his words were that he wanted to kill himself or he wanted to die)a couple of years ago and he saw CAMHs for a while. It did help in some respects, but Ds decided he didn't want to go anymore, so he stopped. He was 9/10at the time. I think you do need to help him outside the family.
It's a scary thing to see your child going through this kind of thing; I hope you can get some outside support.

[Katymac]

We are seeing them tomorrow - I am quite angry because DD has needed help for a while but has not been 'bad enough' to warrant any support. She has now hit a crisis & is only just (3 weeks later) having an initial appointment

It's just another branch of medicine imo. Mental health is just that health, so if it isn't quite right you try to get it sorted

[optimisticmumma]

Couldn't agree more with hester. I think your DH is scared for your DS too or maybe it is way beyond his own experience. the quicker his sadness is sorted out, the quicker you will have your lovely boy back!
Take heart and take care of yourself too!

[hester]

It may be worth your dh knowing that there are different levels of CAMHS services, because he may have a 'One flew over the cuckoo's nest' vision of it. Your ds will not be referred to a man in a white coat on a hospital ward. He will, in all likelihood, be going to a community-based service - he may not even see a doctor - where, as Boco says, the emphasis may be on discussing with you what could be done to help your son, and then meeting with you and him a few more times to see how it's going and whether further support might be needed.

Some examples of the kinds of issues that CAMHS deal with might include persistent bedwetting, or disordered eating. It's not about labelling children as mentally ill.

Sorry I keep popping up on this thread. I just feel really sorry for you and your son - and your dh, come to that. I hope you find a good way forward.

[amateurmum]

Katymac - I hope it is helpful for your dd.

solo - thank-you for telling me about your ds - it is really easy to feel that everyone else's children are completely 'normal' - very isolating especially as it's not really something I would want to discuss in the school playground.

Am going to bed now (work tomorrow) but thank-you so much for your supportive posts.

[Katymac]

Hester - can I steal/borrow you away from this thread to chatover here

I want to check if my anticipation of tomorrow is realistic

[hester]

On my way, Ms Mac!

[hester]

Link didn't work, Katy - where are you?

[amateurmum]

Not yet in bed ... hester and optimisticmumma - the Dr suggested to me that ds would have a few appointments so that the 'therapist?' (can't remember what she said exactly) could gain ds's trust and then start working with him. This is what felt to me like 'handing him over' and I know dh would be very concerned about this.

I would actually be much more comfortable with the family based approach you are both talking about (and I'm convinced dh would too). Do you think I could talk to the Cahms people on the first appointment to suggest that I would like to participate in the process or would this seem over-controlling?

Sorry - writing skills may not be especially lucid at this time of the evening.

[Katymac]

sorry

I would (& am planning to tomorrow) amateurmum

[optimisticmumma]

I think you could do what you like!
As a mum you have to feel comfortable with how this is done as it's personal to you and your DS. I'm sure they will expect you to ask questions...
That's my personal opinion anyway!

[hester]

amateurmum, I wouldn't worry too much about how your GP has described what will happen at this stage. IME, GPs only infrequently have a detailed understanding of what CAMHS services might do. It may be that your ds would benefit from one-to-one therapeutic help; it may be that a family or group-based approach would be better. The 'therapist' may not be a psychotherapist; they might be an occupational or art therapist, or a nurse, for example.

What CAMHS should do is work closely with you so that you and your dh don't feel you are handing ds over to strangers, but that you are getting involvement from people you trust and respect.

I would try not to go in dictating what kinds of help you would find acceptable, though. It's not that that might seem over-controlling (though it might ) so much that it may not do your son any favours. Maybe he would really benefit from talking to someone outside the family about issues that may be bothering him? Go in with an open mind, would be my advice. However, if it helps get your dh on board, it may be worth agreeing with him that you will only consent to your son seeing a mental health professional without you being present AFTER you have had the opportunity to talk to that professional about what they are planning to do and why.

It may be worth your while talking to one of the excellent charities working in this area - like Young Minds. The Royal College of Psychiatrists has some excellent leaflets young people's psychological wellbeing and CAMHS services which can be downloaded from its website.

[optimisticmumma]

Agree with hester again1! She manages to put into words what my brain at this time of night is struggling to formulate!

Just fyi my DD had ME for 2 yearsand we had to be very openminded about the fact that she may be wanting to talk to a trusted professional without us because we may have been unwittingly making things worse for her.